2001: Detailed Friday Update, 1/19/01

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Bianca to Erica (psychiatrist is also in the room): "TELL HER how you feel about having a gay daughter -- TELL HER!!" Erica: "I've never been so frightened of anything in my life!"

Ryan: "I'm giving you that wedding I promised." Gillian: "I could get married in Las Vegas in one of those Elvis places and still be the happiest woman in the world!"

Mateo reads a note next to Hayley, presumably left by Arlene. The note reads: "I am as close as your next breath. I can get to you whenever I want." Mateo: "Oh, my God!"

VALLEY INN BAR AND GRILL

Ryan is on the phone with one of his investors (Stan) and is finding out that it will take $10K to get in on a money-making scheme. Gillian only hears the fringes as she picks up menus and smiles at him. Ryan tells Stan he's in and to meet him at the Valley Inn Bar in 1/2 hour. Ryan tells him that it's better that they keep Gillian in the dark on this [then why aren't you meeting at BJs or something?]

Leo walks in and is surprised to see Gillian working there. She informs him that she's already made $3 in tips! He jokes about it and Ryan says it's mad money. Leo tells her that means it can be spent in a madcap way. She says it's going straight into a savings account where it can confound interest. Ryan corrects her and interjects that his own bank statement is pretty darn confounding. Leo then hands Ryan some faxes and Gillian gets back to work. Leo says he guesses he can't ask for an advance on his salary for a while then. Ryan points out that Leo has a LOT of money since Greenlee bought out his half of the loft. [Huh? Exactly how much money did Leo put into it in the first place? Hmmm, let's see ... multiply by ... carry the 2 ... equals ... NOTHING!] A light bulb turns on over Ryan's head and he asks Leo if he'd like to see that money work for him -- he just got a hot tip on an investment.

Before Leo can answer, Adam interrupts and asks the same question many of us were asking, namely, is Ryan putting in a 1/2 day? Why isn't he on the yacht conducting business? Ryan says he's meeting a client. Adam scoffs at the idea of Leo being a client. Ryan says that Leo is his new assistant. Adam doesn't quite believe it. Leo says he has great people skills and orders Adam to welcome him aboard. Adam asks what kind of scam Leo is trying to pull this time.

Adam says he'd rather gargle glass than have Leo on his payroll. Leo holds out a glass and asks "Straight up on on the rocks?" Ryan snickers. Adam says the last time Leo worked for him, it was a disaster. Leo says it was no picnic for him, either, having to hurt Stuart and Marian. Besides, he doesn't work for Adam, he works for Ryan. Ryan says Leo gets things done -- he's already got the computer network up and running and processing requests faster than they can fill them. Adam says HE's the one who signs the paychecks. Leo promptly pipes in: "You know, I'm glad you brought that up. Since I've proved myself indispensable, I think it's time we talked salary. I was thinking something high five figures with full bennies, of course -- retirement, pension plan, you know." Adam turns to Ryan and says this is the reason his business was in the tank when he took it over. Ryan points out that Adam didn't "take it over", he SOLD it to him, and if he didn't micro-manage every move they make, they might actually be able to get something DONE. Adam gives him until the end of the quarter to get the company in the black or they'll BOTH be out on their butts and he'll get some Silicon Valley guys to take over [they'll be available, too, since we won't have any electricity, so gas can't be pumped to the trucks to take it to the gas stations, whose pumps won't be working to pump it into the vehicles, which will all be stuck at intersections with non-working lights, trying to get to non-existent jobs because no companies will have electricity to run the lights, computers, door locks, telephones, etc. Without gas to power the trucks to bring food to the markets, where it will rot without refrigeration anyway, not to mention skyrocketing prices that we can't pay, in any case, since cash registers won't work, we'll all starve. Look for us to be moving to YOUR state soon. That won't make a lot of difference, though, since the collapse of the California economy will cause the entire US to sink into a depression. Sorry -- I think too much.].

As Greenlee walks in and Adam stalks out, Ryan vows he will NOT lose his company to that man [too late]! Ryan vents to Leo about Adam and Leo tells him he's preaching to the choir. Greenlee's head swivels to them, then over to Gillian waiting on tables. As Gillian strides by her, Greenlee tosses ice on the floor, which causes Gillian to slip. Greenlee grins.

Ryan and Leo help Gillian to pick up the mess on the floor. Leo notices Greenlee and suggests a connection, but Gillian insists she just wasn't looking where she was going. Gillian asks about Adam and Ryan brushes it off as Adam just getting off on power plays. Leo goes over to Greenlee and asks what's she's doing. She says it's a bar and she wants a drink if she can get anyone to wait on her -- it's so hard to get decent help these days. Ryan comes over and asks what she's doing there. Leo: "She's thirsty." Greenlee says she's surrounded by her two favorite men -- she feels like Scarlett O'Hara at the Twelve Oaks barbeque. Ryan says maybe they'll get lucky and someone will start a war. She says she thought Adam just did that. Then she starts in about Gillian being forced to work as a barmaid. Ryan corrects her -- Gillian is a WAITRESS. Leo bends down to her, picks up an olive-spearer and says: "Greenlee, think of something to do with this little plastic swordy thingy-dingy, ok?" He and Ryan walk out, leaving Gillian at Greenlee's mercy.

Outside the bar, Ryan and Leo discuss the investment opportunity -- Ryan is sure enough about it to invest $10k he doesn't even have -- does Leo want in? Leo: "Well, I'm a sucker for two things -- fast women and easy wom-- I mean easy money." They power-shake.

Later, Ryan walks in with Stan Berringer and introduces him to Leo. Stan sizes Leo up and asks if he's a player. Leo thinks for a second as he chomps peanuts and then says he likes the odds. Stan says he'll increase his seed money by tenfold. Leo hands Stan an envelope with $25K and Ryan hands him one with $10K. No paperwork is involved, apparently. Stan says he'll give it to their investor and get in touch in a couple of days. Stan leaves. Ryan tells Leo he is a TRUE bull-artist. Leo says in a couple of days he'll be a true bull-artist with a big, fat wallet. Gillian walks up and asks what was in the envelopes. Leo says that was their cash and pops more nuts into his mouth. Ryan signals over Gillian's head that it was the wrong answer and Leo smoothly continues after swallowing: "Analysis of the advertising rates for ID.com."

Greenlee suddenly starts bellowing: "Hey, you! WAITRESS! I need some SERVICE over here!" They all turn in her direction. Gillian takes a big, annoyed breath and marches over, exhaling loudly before saying: "Is there a problem?" Greenlee viciously snarls: "I ordered a White Russian! This is a Rusty Nail! I demand to see the manager!" Gillian's jaw works and she briefly looks away.

In the meantime, Leo asks if there's a reason why Ryan doesn't want Gillian to know about the deal. For that matter, should HE be worried about it. Ryan says she's just a worrier and he'll tell her later.

The manager has appeared at Greenlee's table and asks Greenlee if there is a problem. Greenlee rags on how Gillian is doing SERIOUS damage to the bar's reputation, bringing the wrong drinks and then getting her grubby fingerprints all over the glass. Gillian points out that they are HER grubby fingerprints. Greenlee leaps on that: "Do you hear the way she speaks to me? How could you tolerate such insubordination?" Man: "Gillian, Ms. Smythe is a highly valued patron of this establishment [apparently he's never seen or heard of Gillian or Dimitri or any of Dimitri's family]. One more incident like this, and you will be terminated!" He tells Greenlee her drinks are on the house and he walks away. Greenlee is happy, giving a smug head tilt ala Marcia Brady. Leo has hovered over the scene and walks to the bar to pick up a Bloody Mary as Gillian asks Greenlee if she's satisfied now. Greenlee says no, but she'll have another drink. She tells her to take that one away and bring her a Bloody Mary. Gillian walks away. Leo pretends to walk past Greenlee's table toward something else, then whirls and "accidentally" spills the drink all over Greenlee and her nice white top. She jumps up shrieking at him and calling him an idiot. Leo: "Oh, I'm sorry! Did you want celery with that -- I'm sorry -- or a twist?" You can hear Gillian laughing at her, not unlike when she fell, all oiled up, in the sand on the beach last summer. Gillian and Ryan continue to laugh, with him putting his arm around her. Leo smiles and sticks his tongue out at Greenlee, giving her nyah, nyah gestures.

ERICA'S HOUSE

[As with most scenes involving Erica and Bianca these days, I rely heavily on quotes because most of it is too good to summarize.]

Bianca asks if Erica is afraid of her. Erica says no, she's afraid of losing her! They are shown in profile, and Erica looks like a stick figure standing next to Bianca. The shrink, Pamela Trent, says it's not easy to admit our fears, but it's a major step toward resolving conflict. Bianca doesn't know what to say. Erica says to tell her she's not going to lose her. Bianca asks how she can even say that -- she's loved her her whole life -- her feelings haven't changed because she told her she was gay! Bianca: "But YOURS have." Erica: "That's not true!" Bianca: "Mom, you're angry with me ALL the time! You can't even stand to look at me!" Dr. Trent: "Erica, how do you feel about what Bianca just said?" Erica: "How do I feel? Well, when every dream you've had for your little girl vanishes -- it's decided. I mean, it's done. It's out of my hands. I don't think that my feelings count here." Bianca: "Mom, they matter to me!" Erica: "Bianca, you made an announcement that altered our lives. I know that you say that nothing has changed and that it's not about me, but I'm your mother and I am affected by your actions, your words, the choices you make for yourself. And our life is NOT the same -- from the silence at the breakfast table to the awkward kisses good night. And every time you go into your bedroom at night and close the door, I can feel that I'm losing you! And the break between us widens day by day, fight by fight. I'm losing you to a world I can't even begin to comprehend!" Bianca: "Have you ever reached for MY hand across the breakfast table? When I kiss you good night, YOU'RE the one who turns away! When I close the door behind me, I'M the one who cries myself to sleep at night because I miss you SO MUCH! And I pray that you will come into my room and that you will hold me and that you will tell me that everything is ok, that you still love me the way you used to!" Erica: "Of course I do! Of course I still love you the way I did! And how could I do those things, Bianca, when you shut me out?" Bianca: "Mom, I'm still here! I'm still here!" Erica: "But it's not the same. We're not close. Not the way we were." Bianca: "Because you keep pushing me to change, Mom! You're pushing me right out of your life!"

Erica: "How could I push you out of my life? You ARE my life!" Bianca: "I can't be that either, Mom. I can't be what you want me to be." Erica: "Can you understand that I've had dreams for you and plans for you ever since I can remember? Things for us to do together, mother-daughter things." Bianca: "Mom, we can still do mother-daughter things. We can - - we can go shopping and riding. We can go to movies together." Erica (sniffling now): "We certainly wouldn't be shopping for the same things. I mean, we'll never shop for a trousseau together. We'll never spend a day at Lacy's together picking out a china pattern or -- or a wedding dress." Bianca: "Well, what if I meet the right girl and we fall in love and we decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together? You can help us set up our house. You can help us pick out the silver and the linen --" Erica: "It would not be the same thing." Bianca: "Why not?" Erica: "Because." Bianca: "Because why? I think I know why. It's the same reason that you don't have any close girlfriends." Erica: "What? What are you talking about?" Bianca: "You -- you turn to men mainly when you need somebody to talk to, when you need a shoulder to cry on." Uncle Jack and Dimitri, David -- I don't think that you trust women the same way that you do men." Erica: "Dr. Trent, Bianca has seen me hurt many times." Bianca: "What does that tell you about yourself, Mom?" Erica: "That it takes a great deal of courage to give your heart to a man and risk that it might be broken." Dr. Trent: "Is that what you meant when you said that you felt like this was your fault?" Erica: "Dr. Trent, this session is not about me or my quote/unquote problems with men." Dr. Trent: "On the contrary. It's very much about you." Bianca looks at Erica. Erica stares a little, then looks away.

Erica walks over to Dr. Trent and says she may have a less-than-perfect track record with men, but that really has nothing to do with the situation at hand and she has NO problem attracting members of the opposite sex! Bianca looks down and sighs. Her face falls and she starts to walk away, knowing that this discussion is futile. The doctor tells Erica that she understands she has a hard time keeping the relationships together. Erica: "Well, it is hardly MY fault if the men I choose don't live up to my expectations!" Dr. Trent: "Perhaps you set your expectations too high." Erica: "Well, *I* have no trouble living up to them!" Bianca whirls and says: "But Daddy couldn't -- and *I* can't either! Erica says that Bianca was scarred deeply by watching their marriage disintegrate and that's why she's now afraid to commit to a man. Bianca says that is SO not true! Erica condescendingly says she thinks she hit a nerve or Bianca wouldn't be so defensive. Bianca: "I HAVE to defend myself, Mom -- you WON'T!" Erica: "Bianca, if you would just hear me out, then maybe you would understand." The doctor tells Erica to LISTEN to what her daughter is trying to tell her. Erica lashes out: "I have done nothing BUT! But so far I haven't heard one thing that makes any sense!" Dr. Trent: "The objective of family therapy is --" Erica: "Is for the THERAPIST to remain OBJECTIVE! Now, it is clear to me, Dr. Trent, that you are taking my daughter's side against me!" Bianca watches her, any slight hope of progress slipping away. Dr. Trent: "I'm sorry you see it that way." Erica: "I'm sorry you wasted our time!" The doctor tells Bianca to give her a call if they want to give it another chance, and Erica shows her the door. Erica firmly closes the door, shaking her head is disgust as she re-enters the living room. Bianca says family therapy didn't work -- now what do they do? Erica stares.

Erica mutters that she thought Dr. Trent would be more helpful. Bianca says she's tired and she doesn't want to fight with her anymore. Erica: "We don't have to fight, Bianca. If only you'd keep an open mind!" Bianca: "ME? Mom, I walked into an AMBUSH tonight. You spring this therapist on me without giving me ANY notice or asking my permission! It's like what you did when I was little, remember? You told me that we were going to a carnival, and instead you took me to the hospital to take my tonsils out!" Erica: "Oh, Bianca, because I didn't want you to be afraid. I was trying to soften life's rough edges for you." Bianca: "That is not your job, Mom. Your job is to love me and to give me direction, not take over my life and play amateur therapist!" Erica: "Fine. What we have to do is we have to find another therapist, one who has the proper qualifications." Bianca: "You mean someone who is going to tell you exactly what YOU want to hear! Mom, save yourself the money. Get a ventriloquist's dummy and sit it on your knee!" Erica: "That is NOT funny, Bianca." Bianca: "Do you see me laughing? [*I* laughed] Mom, I HATE the way we act around each other!" Erica: "So do I." [There is a standoff moment here, like when my former sweetie and I were discussing soaps. I said they were like books that never ended. He said "Exactly!" I said "Exactly!", but we had different viewpoints.] Bianca: "Did you mean what you said, you know, about me going back to modeling for the Enchantment campaign?" Erica, sincerely: "Of COURSE I did. I'll tell Shannon that you changed your mind. But, look, I want to be perfectly straight with you (she blanches a little at the gaffe). I mean I want you to know exactly what you're in for. We're going to do a lot of P.R. And since Donald Steele's big expose in the press, I mean, obviously the press is going to be asking you a lot of questions about your personal life, so -- so we'll rehearse, and then you'll be ready with the right answers." Bianca: "'The right answers.' You mean that you want me to lie about myself. I will pass. You tell Shannon knock herself out. I'm going to bed." Erica: "Oh, Bianca, please! PLEASE! Oh!"

THE SANTOS CONDO-O-LUV/DEATH TRAP/CANDLE WAREHOUSE

Hayley sits up and reads the note, then gets up to walk across the bedroom. Mateo turns on the lights [you can douse those 500 or so candles now -- how do these people breathe with all that waxy smoke? Don't their smoke alarms ever go off?] Hayley says Arlene is trying to make her confess. Mateo mentions Tina, who enters the room on queue, rubbing her sore head where she had been knocked out. Hayley rushes to get info from her, but Tina doesn't remember. Tina asks where all the candles came from. [Hayley: "Our spare bedroom is filled to the rafters."] Tina helpfully points out that the room looks like a shrine for the dead. Mateo says they should go to the hospital to get her head checked out. Tina picks up the phone to call the police instead and Mateo, ever mindful of her possible concussion, roughly yanks the phone away, whipping her around in the process. He says she doesn't want to do that. Hayley gapes and Tina looks confused.

Tina asks if he's already called the cops and he says he doesn't want to get them involved in it. Tina protests that someone knocked her over the head and turned the place into a creepshow! [TURNED it into one?] Hayley nervously says maybe Tina is right -- maybe they should call ... wait for it ... DEREK! Mateo says they should think about it while they take Tina to the hospital. Tina is frustrated and says that's not necessary, she'll just take some aspirin and have Jake check her out when she goes to work tomorrow. They need to report this. Hayley starts rocking back and forth and moaning/whining that she wishes this was just a dream and that somebody would wake her up! Tina says she knows they think this was Arlene's doing, but Hayley has her own TV show -- what if she's being stalked by some nut job? Hayley: "Arlene IS some nut job!" Mateo says that's why he's going to take her to someplace safe -- Adam's house, where they have recently beefed-up security. [BWAHAHAHAAAA!!! Didn't they JUST leave there after "Arlene" put that sentimental ashtray in Colby's crib? That place is as secure as a house of cards!] Hayley says it's NOT safe there -- she can get to her there if she wants to. Tina is still on her cop shtick and Mateo tells Tina to GO TO HER ROOM [I kid you not] -- go back to her condo and lock the door and forget about what's going on over here. He's NOT calling the cops. Hayley pathetically apologizes to Tina for getting hurt and moans that it's all her fault -- everything is all her fault! Mateo hands Hayley her jacket and drags her out, asking Tina to put out the rest of the candles. They leave. Tina blows out 3 candles, then picks up the phone to report a break-in.

ADAM'S HOUSE

Mateo and Hayley sulk in and Winnifred explains that Liza is down at the gatehouse. Hayley appears to be clutching a pink security blankie. Winnifred offers tea, etc., but Mateo brushes her off. They go into the living room and Hayley demands to know why he's trying to get rid of Winnifred. Does he suspect the staff let Arlene in? She insists they are loyal to her father to a fault. Mateo says they all hate Arlene, too. She then shifts gears and asks what happened at the bar. He tells her about Arlene paying some guy to lure him there. Hayley says it's another way for Arlene to come between them and she can't shake this feeling that she is EVERYWHERE, watching them. Maybe they SHOULD call the police. Adam walks in and asks why, what's happened now? [Why didn't they hear the front door? It's only a few feet away.] Mateo does that weird jaw/lip maneuver that he's so fond of lately and says that Arlene has struck again.

Mateo explains what happened at their candle-infested condo and shows him the note. Adam keeps blustering about how do they know it's Arlene. Mateo says Hayley says it is her mom's handwriting and the same as on the note found in the crib. Hayley: "Yeah, I used to have this cat named Comet [Hayley's Comet -- Charlie Brent gave it to her] who got this mouse once and was, like, batting the mouse around. And sometimes the mouse would get away and the cat would let it think it was escaping, and then the cat would pounce on it again. And that's what I feel like I am. I feel like I'm the mouse waiting to be pounced on by the cat, and I just -- I can't take it anymore. I really can't." Mateo says he won't let Arlene do this to her [you haven't stopped her yet, dickweed]. Hayley says it's too late -- she's everywhere. He says that it's NOT a ghost -- if it really IS Arlene, then she'll trip up and they'll catch her. Hayley says that then she'll go to the police and it will be all over, which is why SHE has to go to them first. Derek already knows something's up. Adam says they've already ruled that out. Besides he's had the locks changed (he hands them both a new set). He's already hired a PI. Hayley says it won't matter, because Arlene will find a way. The doorbell rings and Adam goes to get it, assuming it's the new PI, Duffy Olifant (and it is). He introduces them and says Duffy has done work for him in the past and is very discreet. Duffy says he's up to speed -- is there anything they'd like to add? Hayley: "Are you a married man?" He says yes and she tells him to watch is back -- Arlene's favorite prey is married men. There's an uncomfortable moment [is there any other kind in that house?], and Adam says Duffy will be keeping an eye on Hayley, too, from a distance. Duffy asks about her schedule. Hayley looks like she's going to puke and excuses herself to go upstairs. Mateo will fill him in on the schedule when comes back downstairs. Adam gives Duffy a picture of Arlene. Duffy thinks she's a good-looking broad and Adam agrees -- she's a part-time party girl and part-time black widow -- she's lethal.

When Mateo comes back down, Duffy says he'll start at the bar where the guy saw Arlene. They walk him out. Adam walks Mateo back into the living room, arm around his shoulders, assuring him that Duffy is a good man and will take care of it. Mateo says Hayley is a wreck. It's out of hand -- maybe they SHOULD call the police. Adam yells "NO!!" Hayley will spill and confess to murder before they even read her her rights. If the cops find Arlene before they do, she'll damn Hayley to hell with her sob story. Mateo says to let her talk -- it will at least prove Hayley didn't kill her! Adam says there would still be a trial -- does Mateo really want Hayley to go through that? Mateo says Adam has the best lawyers who will convince them there were extenuating circumstances -- it can't be any worse than what Hayley is going through right now! He says Arlene has proven that she can get close to all of them, even Colby. Is he willing to put his daughters at risk? Adam stares with his mouth open.

Adam says he would DIE before he puts his daughters at risk. Mateo tells him to be careful what he wishes for, blah, blah, blah. Adam says Arlene wants money. Mateo says she would have shown up a lot sooner if that was the case -- she has a score to settle with Hayley. Adam insists he'll have his P.I. find her, pay her off, then he'll have his private jet fly her off half-way around the world. Mateo says if he doesn't, he's calling the cops. On cue, the doorbell rings. Adam opens it [all that beefed up security and not a peephole in sight] and Derek barrels in, saying they need to talk. He goes into the living room, says Tina told him what happened a the condo, and demands that Mateo tell him what's going on between him, Hayley and Arlene Vaughn. Mateo works his jaw.

CONDO-O-WAX

Tina and Derek walk into Hayley and Mateo's bedroom. Tina says H&M didn't want to bring the police in, but something in there is SO not right! He asks if they gave her a reason for not bringing the police in. [If Derek KNOWS H&M don't want to report anything, why is he still there asking questions?] Tina points out the trashed living room. Tina goes to get something to show him and he wanders around actually opens the NIGHTSTAND DRAWER! She runs back in, saying: "It's GONE!" Turns out she's talking about the doll with the noose. She blabbers about how she wanted to call the police but Hayley didn't want to, saying she deserved it. It comes out that Arlene is suspected of doing all these things, and Derek busily writes this down. Tina says Arlene is back with a vengence and Hayley is completely undone. Derek thinks very, very hard, appearing to be working on the square root of PI.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica is leafing through a photo album, lost in reminiscing over Bianca as a little girl. Bianca walks into the room, carrying a suitcase. Erica doesn't look up, but tells Bianca to look -- she found a photo album with pictures of Bianca's first dance recital! She gushes about the polka-dot dress and how much Bianca loved it and how she probably still has the dress somewhere! Bianca stares at her, stone-faced. Erica finally looks up and sees Bianca dressed to leave and carrying the suitcase. Erica gets up and asks what that stuff is. Bianca says she's leaving. Erica asks if this is another joke or test! The audio and video gets wobbly and it becomes clear that this is a dream. Bianca: "It's the story of your LIFE, Mom! You just can't keep people around. You FORCE them out of your life!" She goes over to a desk where there are photos of many of Erica's men (7 in all) and turns them over, one by one: "Your dad, my dad, Uncle Jack -- all the men that you say you loved." Erica: "I did love them! Bianca, I loved them with all my heart!" Bianca: "But they couldn't love you back, Mom. You made it IMPOSSIBLE! You expect too much, and you give back FAR too little. You're a FAILURE as a woman and as a mother!" Erica: "Bianca, no! You don't mean that!" Bianca: "I mean every word! I wish to GOD that I weren't your daughter! She runs out of the house. Erica yells: "Bianca! Come back! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!!!" The camera shows Erica's hands on the photo album and pans up to show her sleeping fitfully on the couch.

In reality, Bianca enters the living room and checks out her mother sleeping. She kneels down and look s at her with pain and love on her face. She reaches out to Erica to touch her hair or face, but before she can make contact, Erica starts mewing and tossing, begging Bianca not to leave her. Bianca gets up, picks up her jacket and walks out.

Rain is waiting for Bianca on the porch. Bianca thanks her for waiting and Rain says she's glad Erica didn't wake up when she tossed the rocks at Bianca's window. Bianca is really glad she came by. Rain asks if she and her mom went another ten rounds and Bianca says she's RELENTLESS and wont' be happy until Bianca comes home with a hunk on either arm! Rain says she can't help her there, but if she's up for some mindless fun, she's her girl. Bianca looks back at the house, then says: "Yeah, let's go!" They trot off.

THE PIT

Duffy shows Arlene's picture around. He asks Bud (the guy who scammed Mateo) about her and hands him his card. Duffy walks out and the guy crumples the card, tossing it over his shoulder. The camera shows a pair of half-booted legs traipsing in. This time the legs are skinnier than before. Bud hails "Arlene" and asks if she's going to save him a dance. The boots stop momentarily at this, then walk over to the bar to stand flirtatiously next to a pair of jeans (not Bud's). More and more leg is shown as she tuns and walks away from the bar. Bud tosses back a drink, sets it down and does a macho setting-himself-to-rights move before moving across the room with a look of lust on his face. The booted legs slowly and seductively meet his booted legs in the middle of the room and they start dancing. The camera pans higher and higher, finally showing the red velveteen miniskirt, the purse on the long gold-plated chain, and a tight top, finally stopping to show Hayley dancing with Bud. With a deeper voice than usual, she says: "Come on, Sweetie, put some MUSCLE into it! You KNOW what muscle *I'M* talkin' about!" She gives a throaty laugh and he joins in as the camera pans up and back.

ON THE NEXT AMC:

Hayley has her head tilted WAAAAY back as she looks lazily and seductively at Bud, who says: "What are we hanging around THIS dump for?"

Ryan: "Tell me right now what it is, what you want, and I will give it to you." Gillian flirts: "You're in for a surprise!"

David to a grim-mouthed Dixie: "Tad will never love you the way that I do. Just give me a chance to prove it."

Junior looks down, hurt, and asks Tad: "Are you going to leave us?" Tad looks grim indeed.

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "gee, who ever would have thought it would be Hayley?" Coutellier

2001: BC - Wed-Thu, 1/17-18/01

Alex disappeared from the yacht on the eve of Thanksgiving. It only NOW occurs to Edmund and Dimitri that there might be clues (not to mention Alex) in the cottage in Bristol? I thought it was ASSUMED that she was in England somewhere.

Gillian has spent several years in Pine Valley now, many of them right there in that bar drinking and waiting for tables with everyone in town. Let's see, she needs a discreet job to help out ... hmmmm, where could she go that no one would notice? Hmmmm, that's a toughie -- gotta be a toss-up between the Valley Inn dining room, the Valley Inn Bar or possibly the as a clerk at the Valley Inn check-in desk, if not a maid specializing in the Presidential and residential suites. No one would EVER notice her at any of THESE places!

Robin "in a hilarious upcoming episode, Gillian spills drinks on Adam's lap" Coutellier

2001: BC - Tue, 1/16/01

Ryan to Gillian re her heirloom: "One day you are gonna place that in her [daughter or granddaughter] hand just like your Grandmama placed it in yours..." Yeah, and she's going to break your heart by fencing it for a fudgesicle and a bottle of ripple.

Is the person who drives the launch shuttle to the yacht on the payroll, or can anyone give him/her a nickel and some shoe-scrapings to transport them to the multi-million dollar luxury yacht/corporate headquarters? Do visitors have to go through a metal detector? Of course not! They could board the boat dressed in a grenade-festooned vest and carrying flamethrowers and machetes and all they would say is: "Please don a life-jacket -- regulations, ya know."

David: "I just want you to know, Dixie, that I'm not going to make this any harder for you than it already is." Translation: "I couldn't possibly GET any harder you lascivious dollop of voluptuous pulchritude!!!" Oh, he's not going to make it harder -- he just won't let her leave the room!

How did they get through their lines without cracking up with all that talk about touching deeply, etc.?

Robin "I'm surprised David can even turn around without putting dents in the walls" Coutellier

2001: BC - Mon, 1/15/01

Liza whines that Adam KNOWS she can't sleep very well when he's not there. Huh? Aren't they just now starting to sleep together again?

That does NOT look like Kelly Ripa pretending to be Arlene -- it may turn out to be her at some point, but the body shots we've been getting can't be KR unless she's gained about 15 pounds (which is saying something, since whoever IS in the body shots is slim).

If Tad thinks Leslie is going to tell Dixie the truth, even after he practically strangles her, he's just as deluded as Leslie.

The note Hayley brandishes to Adam says "Confess" -- AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! It's Wall Woman!!!! Yes, I know she's dead, but still ... AAAAHHHHH!!!

Colby was absolutely hysterical (a HOTEL ashtray? [shudder]) -- it didn't really jive that Liza just handed her off, still screaming at the top of her lungs, to Winifred.

Was I the only one who cracked up laughing at the cheesy-sounding siren and then the frantic tire squealing out front as the police arrived?

Robin "what, no K-9 units?" Coutellier

2001: Detailed Friday Update, 1/12/01

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Erica to Dimitri: "I won't apologize for needing you."

At the boathouse, Leo says to Laura and Bianca: "You never heard of a primal scream? It cleanses the soul." Laura: "Yeah, well, next time try yoga!" Leo: "Yoga's for the body, screaming is for the mind."

Dixie to Tad: "If our marriage means anything to you, you will tell me the truth! Did you sleep with Leslie Coulson?" Tad: "Yes." Dixie: "I want you to pack up your stuff and get out."

THE YACHT

Leo steps up to Laura, who is looking over the railing out to sea, and touches her arm. She jumps and he backs off, telling her to relax. The subject of Greenlee in assailant mode comes up and he insists that she wouldn't dare show her face around there again [not very bright, is he?] She asks him to show her how to do that primal scream thing he did earlier at the boathouse, since she's pretty stupid [hence her going back to high school two years after she graduated] and can't figure out what any infant knows how to do. [Why do all these people insist on hanging around damp places in freezing weather? Her sweater is open and his shirt is 1/2 unbuttoned. It's JANUARY in NEW ENGLAND in a HARBOR you IMBECILES!] After intently listening to his complicated instructions, she sucks in a big gulp of air and promptly swallows it, backing off of the therapeutic exhalation [but building a GREAT stockpile of potential burp material]. He says she can do better than that, but she glumly says that she can't. He offers to do it with her and they do so on the count of three.

Laura is pleased with her cathartic yelling. She wants to stay outside a little longer [why is she there in the first place?] to continue to chase her demons. Despite the freezing weather and her lack of proper winter attire, her nipples do NOT stand out against the silk of her blouse. She shivers and Leo comes up behind her bearing a blanket. He drapes it around her and she snuggles into it. He keeps his hands on her shoulders a little too long. They both look uncomfortable. Leo says she's had some tough breaks. She says it wasn't all bad, she has Brooke, Jamie & Aunt Pheebs -- still, the bad stuff keeps sucking her back: the fire at the SRO (single room occupancy) that killed her mom, these creeps that want to invade her life (pornographers, etc.) and then someone pushes her off a boat and she almost died -- but she refuses to let it rule her. He says she's doing a good job, but she demurs, saying she's trying to be brave. Leo clumsily hops up to sit on the railing [making me wonder if his butt got wet in the process] and says he thinks that she is used to things not working out for her, so it's safer to expect the worse. He knows how that is, but he can't do that anymore. Now he wants to think years ahead about his future, not just the coming weekend. Because of Vanessa's shallow views to reinforce his own, he used to think his destiny was to marry a wealthy woman, but now he doesn't know what he wants to do. He wishes he had some kind of talent that he could feel passionate about, like her photography. She says she does it because it's a way for her to hold onto what's real, what she thinks matters -- it's a way to stop and really look closely at people and catch them unguarded and beautiful. He says that's how he sees HER. She asks if he's kidding -- the walls she puts up around herself are higher than the ones she saw in China. He says she's wrong -- she tries hard, but she's wrong. She walks a few paces away and says she can't do this anymore because she'll start to cry.

She apologizes for being a downer. He says he lives by two rules: one, never explain, two, never apologize. Does she want to scream again? She says she doesn't need to anymore and he says to consider herself cleansed. She says he's really good at this. He glumly says he's a babe magnet for chicks in distress. She says it wasn't a slam -- she saw him with Bianca and he helped her through some rough ground. He isn't too sure about THAT. Look how things are now with Erica and Bianca. And Greenlee's a MESS. He says he should come with a label that says "Befriend at your own risk". She laughs and says not to blame himself for Greenlee's self- destruction, and Erica's problems with Bianca are Erica's loss, not his. He feels like there's something missing and he wishes he could have done something to make a difference. Laura: "I don't think so. I mean, you know that famous phrase 'It's Erica's world, we just live in it'? [she inexplicably climbs the railing and sits on it, despite having nearly drowned on Thanksgiving Eve because she can't swim] Well, Greenlee has become a planet in her own right!" He says his dear diabolical mom is the same way. He's detecting a pattern. Laura: "What? Too many toxic women?" He asks how he could shake them. She tells him to just walk away and not look back [take her advice NOW, Leo!] He's focusing on the future anyway now, right? He says he can't just erase the past. She says her theory is 'survival of the quickest' -- when the going gets rough, just hightail it and RUN. She says that's how she got away with it last time. It's how she dealt with her mom's death. It's how she got out of the porno mill. Leo: "Say what?" She realizes he didn't know and explains: Well, it's on my permanent record. I'm part of Pine Valley's folklore. I was a teenage porn princess. Yeah, you can download me on the internet." Leo: "No, that's ok. I'm not really into that stuff." She says she isn't either, but she was young and stupid. She RAN from it. She's ready to stay in one place now, though, with her family and friends. He asks if he can be on that list and she says he IS. Leo: "Well, whenever you need your soul cleansed, just let me know." He walks over to her and they kiss. [I wonder if she's going to fall overboard again due to the pressure of the kiss]

Leo pulls away and laments: "The boy does it again!" He's shameless! Her survival play is to turn and run. His is to catch and mooch. She climbs back onto the deck and tells him that HE didn't orchestrate that kiss -- she's got moves of her OWN. She wanted to kiss him and have him kiss her back. He says they both got what they wanted. She says she wants more. He says not tonight, not there and not like that. He walks away, saying he'll take her back to the shore.

WILDWIND

On the ugly green couch, Erica caresses Dimitri's face and tells him that she's always felt so safe with him. He says it's a difficult time for both of them and she suggests they can help each other. He says he knows her situation with Bianca has left her feeling fragile and unsure of herself. She doesn't want to talk about it. He says they can't hide in the past that they had together. She doesn't understand. He says he'll always be there for her ... as a friend for her AND Bianca. He and Alex will always open their home to her. Erica, compassionate and thoughtful person that she is, says: "Dimitri, look around you. Alex is gone." Dimitri agrees, but says when she comes back they'll resume their married life. Erica acknowledges the fact that they are married, although she can't fathom his commitment to her. Dimitri thanks her for that :-) She then says that Alex has been gone for a long time now with only that one cryptic phone call. Has it occurred to Dimitri that maybe Alex doesn't WANT him to find her?

The next time we see them, they are standing. Erica states that he's angry with her for what she said about Alex. He denies it and says he doesn't want to discuss his marriage with her. She says who better to discuss the fact that his wife has probably left him? He says her theory is way out there. Erica, caring, but firm about not being co-dependent to his misguided notions: "I don't think so." He says someone kidnapped her off the boat and is keeping her from coming home. She says she knows who it is: him and Edmund. Dimitri: "What?" She says they were at each other's throats during the weeks leading up to Alex's disappearance -- Alex pitted brother against brother! She and Edmund were engaged -- she cheated on Dimitri with his own BROTHER [tit for tat, so to speak] Dimitri has had enough and tells her it's time to go as she continues to natter on about about pushing Dimitri from the breaking point. Erica: "I mean, I was aware that she was trouble from the day I saw her, but NEVER as much as I was that night. And so I knew it was up to me to stop her before she completely destroyed you and Edmund!" Dimitri stops short at THAT revelation, pointing at her and asking what she did. Erica looks pityingly at him and sits on the ugly green couch. She confesses that she took Alex aside that night and told her that if she REALLY loved Dimitri, she would leave him and Edmund alone, in peace. Dimitri: "So you told Alex to leave me?" Erica: "***I*** just merely made a suggestion. I'm really rather surprised, given how she feels about me, that she seems to have taken it to heart." Dimitri stares, looks away, then swings his head back, biting his lip.

Dimitri is pissed now, and circles the couch for no apparent reason. Dimitri: "Erica, let me understand this. You told Alex that I would be better off WITHOUT her?" [Why is he so pissed off? It's not like Alex has ever paid attention to anything Erica ever said to her before.] Erica: "You and Edmund. Dimitri, she has been tainting everything since the day she walked into our lives. She resented me when I questioned her loyalty when she turned to Edmund when she thought you were dead." Dimitri: "But what RIGHT did you have to interfere?" Erica points to herself and says: "I was your wife -- that gave me some rights. She is also his friend. Dimitri, arms flapping and body moving like a backup go- go girl: "So you ORDERED my wife to leave town?" She says she merely SUGGESTED that Alex give Edmund and Dimitri a little space to heal the breach between them. He demands to know why she kept this from him, jabbing the air repeatedly as he pointed at her. She says it's because she didn't make the connection until now -- she thought Alex HAD been kidnapped. After all, her departure from the yacht was so abrupt! In a quintessential Erica-ism, she says: "What woman would leave town without a wardrobe, without her makeup?" Dimitri looks like he's sucking on a lemon as he shows us the size of the fish he caught as he demands to know what connection she is speaking of. She says it was the phone call -- if a woman had REALLY been kidnapped, she would have given some clues as to where to find her. In the LOD, she says: "Oh, look, Dimitri -- I hate to burst your bubble, but she's probably checked herself into some to spa for a complete overhaul, which could take MONTHS!" As he bites his lip some more [he should put something on that] she advises him to file for a divorce and get on with his life. Dimitri: "Uh-huh, the way you've gotten on with yours?" Naturally she doesn't know what he's talking about. He chuckles condescendingly and tells her to forget it. She pursues it -- after all, "Friends can tell friends anything". Dimitri: "Hey, all right! [he dips and then flings his arms out like a cheerleader] All right, let's get this clear -- Alex did not leave me because *YOU* BADGERED her into it, although I'm sure you gave it your BEST shot!" Erica: "Dimitri! What is about me that still gets to you?" He pulls his bottom lip over the top one, continuing to work that lemon in and apparently squirting some of the juice into his eyes.

He says if she REALLY wants to know, he thinks she's using Alex's disappearance to her own advantage. She says she's doing no such thing! He says he knows how she operates -- she's always working an angle. She demands to know what she could possibly gain from Alex's disappearance. He looks meaningfully at her. Susan Lucci has some great lines today as she say: "Oh, PUH-LEASE!! Does your ego know no BOUNDS?" He can't POSSIBLY imagine that she is pushing for the two of them to get back together! [Is it my imagination, or is water dripping down the castle wall? Mold maybe?] Dimitri: "Oh, you aren't?" Erica: "No, I -- I most certainly am NOT. I have come to you as a FRIEND, Dimitri!" Dimitri: "Erica, if you had said one generous word about Alex at some time I might believe you, but you haven't." Erica: "Dimitri, I've never PRETENDED to like Alex." She says she just wants to help him get get a sense of closure so he can get ON with his life! He says he'll have a sense of closure when Alex returns. She digs in that it will be so IF she CHOOSES to return. He says his wife did NOT LEAVE HIM! Erica points out that Dimitri hid himself in order to spare Alex any pain when he thought he was dying. He rightly points out that Alex is NOT dying. Erica says no, but Alex might be trying to make a clean break. He doesn't believe it. Erica says there's nothing to support his kidnapping theory -- no one has found her and there hasn't been any ransom note -- because there WAS no kidnapping. She says Alex has the background and resources to vanish without a trace. He says Alex would not do that to him -- she LOVES him. Erica suggests that perhaps Alex loves him enough to leave him alone.

Dimitri makes a tent of his hands and puts them to his mouth, then to his forehead -- he's either praying or about to have another one of his "spells". He orders Erica to leave, his driver is waiting. She tries to play the Alex leaving of her own free will card again, but he interrupts and yells: "THIS -- DISCUSSION -- IS -- OVER WITH! She stares, nods and starts to walk out. She stops, turns and tells him to at least THINK about it. IF Alex has left him, the sooner he gets over it, the better. Call her if he needs her. She leaves and he broods.

VALLEY INN - LESLIE'S ROOM

Tad kicks open the door to Leslie's room, further demonstrating the utter lack of security in the hotel. This is amply demonstrated by a side view of the door, which reveals that, although there is a knob for a dead bolt, it's just pasted onto the outside of the door without any bolt to it. Leslie is waiting, dressed in a black, extremely low-cut negligee, [revealing breasts so expansive that I wonder if they are made of a latex overlay] and posed provocatively on her side on the bed. She calmly says she's been waiting for him; why didn't he just use his key? He looks around in angry chagrin at the waiting champagne and his stuff in her room. He opens the wardrobe to see his shirts. In a daze, he picks up the wedding photo that Leslie pasted her head onto, then the perfume. Leslie takes it from him and gently sets it down, saying it's the perfume he gave her -- it has an musky animal quality to it and she'll never wear anything else. He stays silent, standing stiffly and frowning at her. She says it's was only a matter of time before Dixie found out about them -- she'll get over it. He still doesn't respond and she traces a finger slowly over his lips. She caresses his face and tells him to either say something or kiss her. He continues to stare and she falters, backing up a little. She is perplexed and wants to know why he's looking at her that way -- he's scaring her. He stares, his mouth slightly open.

She backs further away and begs him to talk to her. He breaks his silence and asks why -- she set up the whole thing, didn't she? He told Dixie point blank what happened. Leslie is thrilled with that news, but tries to repress it. She insincerely tells Tad that she's sorry. He doesn't believe that she's sorry. She says the whole thing got way too messy, and it's partly HIS fault. Leslie: "You could have made life a hell of a lot easier for all of us if you'd stopped fighting the inevitable." Tad squints and says part question/part statement "You and I belong together". She nods and says she's known it for years. He doesn't belong with Dixie, he belongs to HER. She LOVES him and wants him to love her back, PLEASE! He steps forward, caressing her bare chest and then her neck. She melts into it. His expression barely changes as he starts to squeeze. Her expression, on the other hand, is somewhat alarmed.

Tad jerks her away and yanks her back as she grunts and gasps. Tad spits out through gritted teeth: "You wouldn't listen, would you? Hmm? No. It didn't matter how many times I told you that I didn't want you, that it was a mistake, to stay away from me?" He walks forward in large strides, forcing her to march backwards. "No, no, no, you had to take my things, right?" He spins her around and pushes her head down close to the coffee table. Tad: "So you could set up this twisted fantasy, huh? HUH?" He yanks her back up, simultaneously tossing the coffee table across the room, still never letting go of her neck. She continues to gasp and squeak. Tad: "And torture my wife and ruin me and ruin my marriage. Well, guess what -- you didn't just steal my clothes or wedding ring. No, you stole my life, huh? And I'll bet it was fun for you, wasn't it? One big game. Well, guess what?" He slams her back into the wardrobe and puts his face close to hers. Tad: "Game's over, Leslie!" Whispering now: "And you lose." She's terrified now and breathes hard [well, as hard as one can with someone's hand squeezing the life out of it], closing her eyes and desperately trying to decide what to do next (or guess what HE'S going to do next).

Deciding not to antagonize him, she tells him he's crazy. He says that's high praise coming from her. He takes a running start and throws her HARD across the room and facedown onto the bed. She falls to the floor and starts whining: "I only wanted--" He says he doesn't give a damn what she wants and he never has. She eyes the phone and starts to crawl toward it. He beats her to it, yanks the phone out of the wall, then pulls is arm back as if he's going to do bodily harm to her with the phone, giving a new meaning to 'reach out and touch someone'. She scrambles back, putting her hands up and begging him not to hurt her. He tosses the phone aside and she demands to know why he's DOING this! He grabs, yanks her up and shakes her, saying: "I'm doing it for fun! The same reason you tore apart the only woman I've ever loved, someone who meant ***EVERYTHING*** to me. Leslie piteously whimpers that she loves him too, with all her heart! He lets go of her, walks over and picks up the doctored wedding photo. He shakes it at her and tells her to take a REALLY good look, because that's as close as she's ever going to get! He throws it against the wall, narrowly missing a cringing Leslie. He says from now one he's going to be living for one reason only -- to get his life back. He grabs her head on both sides and shakes it, saying she is going to help whether she likes it or NOT! She breathes heavily and gulps.

VALLEY INN - DAVID'S ROOM

Dixie stands at David's door staring at him after he answered it. He silently ushers her in. Dixie, her back to David [of course] flatly says that Tad confessed, he slept with Leslie and she (Dixie) asked him to move out. Their marriage is over. David looks at her, hesitating at her pain, then puts his hands on her and turns her around, pulling her into a comforting embrace.

The next time we see them, she's sitting on a loveseat and he's perched on an arm of the couch. Dixie is looking away and has her arms tightly crossed [which is only prudent, because if she doesn't hold on tightly, her arms are likely to pop apart from the pressure and violently fling outward, possibly causing grave damage to David's room (not to mention David]. She reiterates that Tad's moving out and their life together is over, and she really feels nothing [uh-huh]. She says she saw this couple walking across the street and they were holding hands and laughing, and she waited for her heart to break, but it didn't. She doesn't feel anything at all [uh-huh]. David says that's because she's in shock [I guess he should elevate her feet then and try to warm her up by any means necessary]. She hops up and paces -- she doesn't care what it is, but she hopes it lasts. She doesn't EVER want to feel anything again. Because feelings like love and homesickness and loneliness -- they clouded her thinking. They opened up her heart and led her right back to Tad. Feelings feed off your soul while you starve. David worriedly says maybe she should sit down. She continues and asks if he knew that Tad was a serial cheater. Dixie: "I knew that! I knew he wasn't capable of being faithful! What is more pathetic, the guy who can't keep his pants zipped or the woman who keeps forgiving him?" [can you say "Clinton"?] She remembers him cheating on her with Liza and how she went back to Pigeon Hollow, but she couldn't get him out of her system -- he was in her heart and her blood. One kiss and she was a goner -- what a SUCKER! But she needed to believe him. Then he went right back to working with Liza, but only to stick it to Adam, nothing personal. Then all those late hours and trips to New York. She KNEW he hadn't really changed -- she just didn't want to believe he would STICK IT to her AGAIN!

She sits down again, arms still tightly crossed. Dixie: "Well, then there was YOU." David: "What about me?" Dixie: "You offered me a kind of sanctuary, a place where I could escape to. You know, I could work so hard, I couldn't think about what Tad was doing or with whom. I just buried myself in your problems. You helped me to forget that my husband was a serial cheater. You helped me forget my worst fear -- what Tad was feeling for Liza or Leslie or God knows who else." She starts to tear up. "See, these little feelings, they just really destroy you, you know? They're guilty with an excuse. I don't ever want to feel anything ever again." He walks over to her and says her name, accompanied by a short but keenly defined nose-whistle. He pulls her to her feet and tells her that what she feels is what sets her apart and makes her who she is. He says she wants to be numb, but CAN'T -- tell him what's REALLY in her heart [I hear another primal scream coming on]. She stares and blinks back her tears.

David urges Dixie to tell him what's REALLY in her heart. She thinks and starts to say something a couple of times before she flatly says: "Hatred. Hatred for Tad, for Liza, for Leslie ... and for herself for being so blind in believing he loved ONLY her -- how could she be so stupid?" [and thus begins another long, long, LONG list of why people think she's stupid] David tells her she had faith in her marriage. Dixie: "My marriage was a lie. I believed it. I thought we were good. I thought we were going to make it right. I thought we were the golden couple, you know? Christmastime, you know, we wished on a star, 'together forever'. By New Year's, he had a girl on the side and I was kissing you like there was no tomorrow." She's sitting on the bed now. [As you know, soap opera law decrees that 2 people having a SERIOUS, emotionally wrenching conversation must never look at each other or stay in one place for more than a few seconds] Dixie: "Well, Tad and I failed again. How many times did I tell you how happy we were? How many times did I say how solid our relationship was, how we were in it for the long haul? And you knew, didn't you? You could tell our marriage was falling apart, but you'd let me go on and on and on. You really must think I'm the world's biggest fool!" David strides over to her and gets on his knees in front of her: "No! No! The only fool here is Tad. Only a fool would betray a woman like you, Dixie. Only a fool would give your love away!" Dixie looks down at him with bemused eyes.

Dixie tells him not to make her out to be something that she's not. David (adoringly): "You're perfection!" Dixie: "I'm not. I'm -- I'm as guilty as Tad!" She brings up the New York hotel scene where Liza pretended to be having sex with Tad and Dixie jumped to the wrong conclusion. It proved that they had serious trust issues. Tad had explained what happened, but she still doubted him. David chimes in that with everything that has happened, he thinks it's reasonable. Dixie: "But it wasn't too late back then. I could have DONE something!" He asks what she could have done. She's already admitted that Tad is a pathological cheater! She says there must have been something that he needed, maybe, something that she could have given him. David: "Dixie, I'm not going to let you blame yourself for this." Dixie: "But I AM to blame for this, you know? I could have done something right. I could have gone to a marriage counselor. I could have confided my fears to my husband. But instead I turned to YOU [you mean like you're doing now?]. And when I told Tad that I kissed you, I practically gave him PERMISSION! I practically pushed him into Leslie's bed!" He says what they did was NOT the same as having an affair. She squinches her face up in pain and quietly says that what Tad and Leslie had was more than affair -- he saw their room. Dixie: "All of his things were there. It was their special place. How many afternoons did he leave the house and lie to me about where he was going? Did he laugh at me because I made it so easy for him?" David: "Dixie, don't do this to yourself." Dixie: "How many times did he make love to her and then come home and make love to me? Did he do the same things, do you think? Do you think he said the same things, tell the same stories? Did he take his ring off and put it by the side of the bed? [why did he take it off when they took a shower? Isn't it waterproof?] The ring that I gave him, the one that I put on his finger?" She starts to crack: "Oh. There's too many pictures in my head, you know? [her eyelids start to flutter and her eyes roll up in her head] I -- I can't stop thinking about him kissing her and telling her that he loves her!" She's breaking up, her voice coming out in high- pitched squeals squeaks. Neighborhood dogs try to cover their ears. Dixie: "I can't live with these things in my head. David, you have to help me. You have to make it go away! Her fluttering eyelids could fan a wet car dry as he comes up behind her and puts his arms around her and promises that it's all going to go away -- he's going to take away her hurt and pain and do everything in his power to help her. She turns back to him, her face contorted in pain as she melts into his comforting arms.

David rubs Dixie's back and tells her she WILL survive this and he'll help her. Everything within his power is hers. She pulls back, her eyes swollen with crying. She gets a heavy-lidded look of desire on her face and pulls him close for a passionate kiss and they start to devour each other. [Gosh, I never saw THAT coming!]

VALLEY INN -- LESLIE'S ROOM, DAVID'S ROOM, HALLWAYS

Leslie, dressed now and wearing a coat, asks where they are going. He says they are going to find Dixie and she's going to tell her the truth -- that there never WAS an affair and she's been stealing his things for weeks so she could set this up. She's going to tell Dixie what HE'S been saying from the very beginning, i.e., that he doesn't care about Leslie and he never HAS. He loves ONE woman, and one woman ONLY -- and THAT is his WIFE! He grabs her arm and yanks her out the door. He drags her forcefully through the hallway, practically wrenching her arm out of the socket.

Meanwhile, Dixie and David are still devouring each other. Saxophone music starts to play. He gulps and shudders, then offers to take her home. She doesn't want to go. She wants to stay with him. She wants him to make love to her. He looks her up and down like she's the cream center in a decadent pastry.

ON THE NEXT AMC:

Mateo holds a gift-wrapped package. Liza is holding a crying, pacifier-sucking Colby as Adam and Winifred look on. They are all in their bathrobes (except Mateo, who may or may not be in his jammies -- hard to tell). Liza shrieks as she gestures to the package: "THIS was in the crib! Somebody has been in the house!"

Leslie leans seductively forward and tells Tad: "Your wife is seeking comfort from the new man in her life. If you don't believe me, call David."

David, sitting on the bed with Dixie, says: "I can't picture my life without you, Dixie, and I'll do everything I can to take away your pain!"

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "could use some holistic pain relief" Coutellier

2001: BC - Tue-Wed, 1/9-10/01

Everyone in the Chandler living room (at first I considered Stuart and Adam as separate :-), except for Junior, looks kind of haggard Tuesday -- did they tape on New Years Day or is it just poor lighting? Perhaps the makeup dept discovered a sale at Costco on foundation made by an Enchantment knock-off, DisEnchantment.

Understatement of the day: Liza: "... you'll have a nice story for when you grow up." Junior (looking meaningfully in Adam's direction): "I have a lot of those already, thanks." LOL!

When Adam ran into Tad at the door as he was running out to get to the Santos condo, did you hear Adam tell Tad to "Get the fu--"? I'm surprised (and yet not) that they didn't edit THAT out or at least try to cover it with some other noise.

Geez, what a SNOTTY hotel clerk that answered the phone when Dixie attempted to call Leslie's room! Upscale hotel, my ass!

There's more of Tad in that hotel room than there is of him at his own house! Doesn't Dixie find THAT even remotely odd? What am I thinking? Of COURSE she doesn't even consider that. And what was with that push-away/yank-back crap she and David were doing to each other? Doesn't anyone in town EVER consider marriage counseling? Never mind Libidozone, I think everyone in that town would benefit from regular doses of anti-depressants (if not Lithium) to help with those constant mood swings and out-of-control impulsive behavior.

I really felt for Greenlee when she found out her father was dipping into her trust fund. Leo was SO clueless about her feelings! Can you imagine the dysfunctional kids THIS pair would have?

Robin "their dog probably needs Prozac at this point" Coutellier

2001: BC - Mon, 1/8/01

Why are Bianca and all the other kids at school on New Year's Day? As long as they are in school on a holiday, don't any of the kids have any actual CLASSES? I don't know about you, but if my mom had repeatedly shown up in the corridors of MY high school (or even once) to discuss "feelings" (or even garbage disposals), I would have been UTTERLY HUMILIATED! (the time I almost fainted because I was pregnant doesn't really count)

Dixie thought maybe Junior was in her bedroom when she and Tad first went into the bathroom to take a shower, so she comes out calling his name -- while dressed in nothing but a lopsided towel (she does that a lot). Junior's in high school now -- has it occurred to her that it might be more appropriate to stick her head around the bathroom door and ask what he's doing in her room? (He wasn't there -- she had heard Leslie skulking around)

Tad and Dixie took a shower together, then had sex in bed (and maybe in the shower). Did they stop to get dressed in jammies between the shower and the bed?

Robin "at least I'm up to Monday's show now" Coutellier

2001: BC - Thu, 1/4/01

[NOTE:  Yet another previously unposted one]
Wow, they must have gone to a lot of trouble to find a blanket to wrap Greenlee that just happened to match Gillian's gown!  Either that or they made Gillian's gown out of a blanket.

I thought Greenlee dumped all that water over her head -- how come her hair is still nearly perfect (not to mention almost completely dry)?

2001: BC - Wed, 1/3/01

Whoa, did you see Dixie flutter ONLY her LEFT eye as David acted like a cobra to her canary? I am SO impressed!

I am NOT impressed with David hounding her like that. It is a TOTALLY CLASSIC move that a guy will tell you he's not going to make you do anything you don't want to do. He's then going to do whatever it takes to get you to do it or at least admit you WANT to do it and then wheedle and maneuver without let-up, using your admission to try to make you think that your a bad person if you DON'T do it. I am SO glad Dixie managed to resist his blandishments.

Don't they have a night watchperson on that stupid yacht? And why did Greenlee pour that dipperful of water on herself right away? She should be able to see or hear the shuttle boat coming toward them and could have waited until then.

How do all the professional ballroom dancers keep from punching the common-folk with their dramatic upswings?

Whoever decided to play that HORRIBLE music with the horns BLARING over and over and over and over and over should be forced to sit in a room and listen to it for a week!

Robin "my EARS!" Coutellier

2001: BC - Tue, 1/2/01

What can I say about Gillian's dress except: BWAHAHAHAHAA!! What is that, a drawbridge bodice with a windsurfing sail across the hips (perhaps she expects to land in the moat)? Either that or her hatch has come loose.

LOVED Rain echoing what we've been asking about Wildwind all along: "I wonder how much it costs to heat this place!"

There are quite a few teens at the Crystal Ball -- so much for Erica's lame assertion that it's a party for adults only.

I always love it when the professional ballroom dancers start doing their thing! Of course, the 3 couples twirling around Ryan and Gillian in the first dance all appeared to be on crack, but I truly admire their sense of balance. Think any of them threw up after that scene? At the very least, I suspect visits to chiropractors for neck adjustments were in order.

Although Greenlee might poke one or both of her own eyes out with her bodice, she looks ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS in it!

I also liked Dixie's dress -- very elegant.

Dimitri is being exceptionally jovial for someone whose wife has been missing for over a month. Downright giddy, in fact. Weirdo.

Isn't there some sort of fire code about people drinking and setting everything on fire -- oh wait, that's the 4th of July. I could just hear a giant WOOSH as all the curtains went up in flames. It DID look like people were trying not to drink out of the candles, though.

Did anyone else imagine what the people were thinking during the "moment of silence" was "OUCH! This candle is hot! OWIE-OWIE-OWIE-OWIE-OWIE!!!"

They sure made a big deal out of Alex's work at the foundation, even though, as David pointed out, HE was the one who cured Dimitri. Are they the only two doctors who do research for the foundation? When?

Where is everyone supposed to put their candle until it's time to go home?

Hayley told her mother (in a soliloquy) that she (Hayley) was much worse than her (Arlene) because she killed her mother. That got me to thinking. Did Arlene kill HER mother? Maybe it DOES run in the family. How come we never hear about Hayley's grandparents. I can just imagine Arlene's mom tossing 'em back with a bunch of soldiers and singing "I'm the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Girl of Company B" :-)

That kiss between David and Dixie was SO HOT! I couldn't help but think: "Are those the same earrings Bianca took off?" (no)

That was quite an arm-rub Mateo gave Hayley -- apparently her sleeves are miked.

Leo dropped his keys in Greenlee's cell and couldn't pay for accommodations at the Valley Inn. Where did he stay last night and where did he get the tux?

Except for the Martian-antenna doodad on her head (interesting timing with Ray Walston's death), Opal looks almost demure. Wait a sec -- are those 1950's curtain fluffballs all over her jacket? Never mind.

I am shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you -- Hayley is NOT wearing a skimpy handkerchief, low-slung skirt combo, and most of her hair is actually in the vicinity of her head -- why she is positively modest! Must be that pregnancy thing.

Adam can't promise Liza they'll always be as happy as they are right now -- THANK GOD! I can only hope to imagine even a tiny bit how deliriously happy they must be given that Hayley just killed her mother and Adam dumped the body overboard and they were just talking about it 3 seconds ago.

LOVED Tad's response to Gillian's definition of the turret: "I know what it IS, I just can't believe you HAVE one!"

Where is the Fidelity docked, in the fountain in front of the Valley Inn? The pond outside the terrace? It certainly is conveniently located! Of course, as soon as I typed that question, Greenlee gave directions, including the Expressway.

If Wildwind has turrets, mausoleums, wells and horses, why don't they have bloodhounds baying at the moon (or birds or whatever)! They could at LEAST have a basset hound for ambience!

Robin "who provides her own baying ambience (they don't call me a bitch for nothing)" Coutellier
 

2000: BC - Wed, 3/1/00 (out of order)

[NOTE: This is a blast from the past since there was no show on Thursday. Hayley can't get away from Arlene, who is smothering her with "motherly love". Edmund has the hots for Alex (who REALLY likes horses), and Jake is suing for custody of Colby even though he was only SUPPOSED to be a sperm donor (Liza knows at this point that Colby is biologically Adam's child, but Jake doesn't).]

Arlene offers "her" blueberry pancakes to Haley to cheer her up, blithely ignoring Haley's disdain. Haley correctly surmises that Arlene coerced Amanda into making the pancakes. Arlene continues to ooze motherly tenderness and sunny disposition. Haley: "You DISGUST me! I think you are lower than an ant's belly, slimier than mold on month-old spinach, not fit to aspire to shit. I hate, loathe and despise the mere thought of you; your presence makes my intestines twist; my eyeballs bleed at the sight of you!" Arlene: "I love you, too, Sweetie!"

Edmund is looking for Alex -- her bed hasn't been slept in. Damn he's NOSY! What did he do, walk into her bedroom? Did he snoop through her drawers and laundry hamper? Boot up her laptop and do a FIND for files with the string "Edmund" and/or "sex" in them? Root through her garbage? He goes to the hospital to interrogate David about Alex's absence and threatens him, holding him responsible if anything has happened to her. Gee, Edmund, maybe she found a horse she liked and spent the night -- GET OVER IT!

Gillian asks Edmund, if he were a judge and had to choose between her and Liza, why would he choose Gillian? Edmund says he would see a heart bursting with love for that child. What, Liza doesn't have a heart bursting with love for that child? I just can't BELIEVE how everyone is discounting Liza in this whole equation. I wonder if the judge will even SEE Liza when she's standing in front of him jumping up and down and waving her arms!

Poor, pitiful Little-Orphan-Erica has sunk to depths of shallowness that we haven't seen since the early 80s! She is nearly speechless with disbelief that David would actually choose to go operate on some nobody's heart just because it's going to blow an artery any second now, than listen to HER talk about how Myrtle was too preoccupied to listen to her the night before (where she had gone to complain about David). And MYRTLE! HOW could she ignore Erica just because Rae walked in claiming to be her DAUGHTER? Yes, Myrtle gave up a baby for adoption when she was a teenager, and she was kind of annoyed about it the other day, but PUHLEASE, that was AGES ago! It's not like she, Erica Kane, isn't 510% better than Rae on a bad day! What would Myrtle want with that creepy old thing with the neck fetish when Erica has always been RIGHT THERE? Narcissism, thy name is Erica!

Jackson: "Why Erica Kane, this is unexpected to find yourself in a COMMON joint like this [BJs]!" [FAC BJs on] "HEY! Watch it, Spike!" [FAC BJs off] After some banter wherein Jack slyly lets Erica know he knows she didn't just accidentally happen to walk into BJs and see him, but specifically sought him out, KNOWING he eats breakfast there on a regular basis, he asks her why she wanted to talk to HIM. "Because," she says modestly batting her eyes, "not so long ago ... you were in love with me." "Well, yes," says Jack, "but, much like chicken pox, I got over it, albeit with a few lingering scars." Okay, he didn't say that, but you KNOW he was thinking it!

That's a dimly lit corridor outside the room where the AA meeting is taking place. Good thing Mateo came by to light it up with his teeth! He's a veritable nightlight when he bares his choppers.

After Arlene shows up at Haley's AA meeting, Mateo blasts Arlene and tells her to stay away. As H&M leave for the custody hearing, Haley mutters, "No place is safe [from Arlene] anymore." Later, at the courthouse, Haley uses the ladies room and is horrified when Arlene's head appears from under the stall partition: "Hi Sweetie! Do you need any toilet paper? Tampons? Panty liners? Corn pads? I see you're keeping up with your bikini waxes -- good girl -- I taught you well! I hope you put a seatcover on that before you sat down -- you never know what kind of disgusting things find their way into public restrooms, just WAITING to pounce on unsuspecting people who are just minding their business and trying to take a leak!" Haley: "AAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"

Robin "I hope Alex comes back with a satisfied smile and a bridle slung over her shoulder, and then slaps Edmund with a restraining order" Coutellier

2000: BC - Detailed Friday Update, 12/29/00

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Outside of Joe's office, Tad says to Leslie: "What are you doing here?" Leslie: "I had an appointment with your father."

David to Dixie at Wildwind: "It's not in your best interest to be seen with me." Dixie: "I can have pie with whomever I please."

Leo to Bianca: "Did Greenlee push Laura over the yacht?" Bianca: "Yes, she did." Leo: "Why did you wait so long to tell me?" Bianca: "Greenlee blackmailed me."

Derek to Greenlee at the boathouse: "You're under arrest for the attempted murder of Laura English."

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica stands on the stairs and listens as Leo questions Bianca about Greenlee blackmailing her. She hears Bianca tell Leo that when Greenlee threatened to tell her mother that she was gay, Greenlee knew there was nothing worse that she could hold over her -- NOTHING. Erica seems to feel the pain of knowing how afraid Bianca was of telling her that she was gay. Erica presses her lips together and quickly tiptoes back up the stairs. Leo falls into a chair and puts his hands over his face. He looks stunned and very hurt. He wants to know everything. Bianca tells him that she almost told him and Laura a dozen times, but every time she got close to it, Greenlee seemed to have a 6th sense and would swoop in and threaten her again. Leo is appalled that Greenlee did this -- what kind of person did he fall in love with, for God's sakes?

Leo starts pacing and says he can't believe Greenlee would TORTURE her like that -- like Bianca didn't have ENOUGH to deal with in the last few months! Recapping for new viewers, Bianca says Greenlee knew she was really messed up about everything and that the last thing Bianca could handle was having her mom know that she was gay. Leo tells her not to worry -- he's going to make sure Greenlee doesn't say ANYTHING to Erica about it. Bianca says Erica already knows. Leo feels sick about it -- did Greenlee tell her? Bianca is quick to let him know that Erica knows about it. He asks when, and Bianca says right before Christmas [isn't this the next day?]. It was the day of the mother-daughter shoot and she felt like a fraud. Then Sarah came over. Bianca: "I watched her throw away who she really was to keep something that she never had to begin with. And I decided right then and there that I couldn't live that way, not even for another minute. And then mom walked in on us." Erica saw Sarah and Bianca hugging and threw Sarah out. Bianca: "And then I came out, right here, for Christmas." Bianca says the holidays basically didn't happen -- Erica took off and didn't come back until the next day [TODAY]. Leo: "And when she did?" Bianca: "It's bad, Leo. And I don't know how it's going to get better."

PINE VALLEY JAIL

Derek escorts Greenlee into a cell as she belittles him. He slams the door shut and she puts her hand over her nose as if it smells like an unattended monkey cage and wails: "Oh! I am *NOT* in *JAIL*!!!" Derek gloats that she IS. Greenlee is wearing a black sweater that goes past her 2nd knuckles, but doesn't have enough material to cover her belly button -- go figure. Apparently it was made for a target consumer who happens to be a chimpanzee, so maybe she IS in an unattended monkey cage. Derek says he'll speak to the concierge -- in the meantime, he'll call Woody. She orders him not to do it. He stares at her, then tells her to make herself comfortable. He walks away and she yells that he's going to be sorry for this! She grasps the bars like they are a life-raft as she looks around the cell, no doubt imagining lice, mice and other assorted vermin, not realizing that she fits right in.

Greenlee sniffs, looking at the in-cell combination toilet/drinking fountain, then the bed that's seen more men's asses than she has. A guard walks up and unlocks the cell. She sneers at him as he tells her she can make her phone call now [why couldn't she make it when she was being booked?] He grabs her arm and drags her to the telephone in the hallway. She jerks out of his grasp and he hands her a quarter and walks away. The telephone is so high that the bottom of it is almost level with her neck [you can ALWAYS tell when men design things] and she practically has to do a hook-shot just to drop the quarter in. She calls Leo as the guard wanders close again. She thanks God when Leo answers, telling him he'll never BELIEVE what happened to her! Leo gives a sighing "What?" and she says: "That wench Laura Ingalls or whatever her name is called the cops and had me arrested!" [BWAHAHAHAAA!!] He's silent. She tells him the place smells like a restroom at a train station [like SHE would know what that smells like] and begs him to come down there and bail her out. In a neutral voice, he says he'll be there soon, and then hangs up. He tells Bianca Greenlee is in jail. Bianca: "Stop it!" He says he has to go. Bianca doesn't believe he's going, but he says he has to. She asks what he's going to do and he says he has no idea. He kisses her cheek and leaves. As she watches him walk away, Erica walks up behind her and looks at her with trepidation.

Bianca notices Erica and closes the door, looking at her with her own trepidation. Erica says she heard her tell Leo about what Greenlee did to her. Erica says she is so, SO sorry and hugs Bianca tightly. Bianca hugs her back, savoring the hug as if she'll never have another.

BJS

David and Dixie are having pie at BJs [cleanup at table 7!]. David grumbles that every time he turns around someone in this town is calling him out for something. He grouses that he helped Dimitri Marrick more than anyone else in that town, and not just medically -- he kept his secret against substantial opposition, not the least of which came from Dixie. And now the brothers have the NERVE to accuse him of having something to do with Alex's disappearance? Dixie says the brothers are feeling terrified about what might be happening to Alex -- maybe David can feel a little COMPASSION for what they are going through right now. He gives her a look and drinks from his oversized coffee cup. She asks if he thinks she's being naive. He says he thinks she's being what she always is, practical, kind ... She ruefully echoes "sensible Dixie". He says that's what she is -- he learned that about her when she was working for him. [Oh yeah, she was VERY practical, making out with her husband on Alex's desk, constantly taking time off whenever she pleased to meet her husband at hotels or just spending time with the kids, yelling at David constantly, all the while tempting him with outfits that would make a hooker blush.] He jokes about the temp agency sending over a steady stream of assistants and that he's turned down more of them than Murphy Brown. He half-jokingly asks if she would reconsider working for him.

She tells him not to even THINK it! David grins and says he won't ask her again, despite the fact that his practice is a shambles without her. She laughs and pretends to be about to stab him with her fork [what fun!] He asks how her Christmas was and she says it was nice. She had a profound thought while she watched the kids open their presents [wow, she cleans up well, considering her head must have exploded] -- she misses what it was like being young and experiencing that feeling of joy when ripping open presents [I'm sure David is wishfully thinking of how joyful he would feel opening a gift-wrapped Dixie]. It would be so nice not having to worry about bills and relationships and other people's health [?]. It would be nice to have things easy again like when she was a kid. David says that wouldn't have occurred to him, because it wasn't like that when HE was a kid [insert violin music here], at least as soon as he lost his father. He just walked around angry all the time. She asks if there were moments before his father died when he felt happy and carefree. David: "You mean like when I tortured the neighbor's cat?" She shakes her head at his black humor and he says: "Come on, is that what everyone in this town thinks I DID when I was a kid?" Dixie says not everybody thinks that [that makes ONE]. She insists that must have been SOMETHING then that made him just SO happy. He looks around over at the cash register area [he robbed restaurants?] and says there WAS one thing. Reinforcing my hunch, he says it involves petty larceny and asks if she's up for it.

VALLEY INN

There are keepsake Crystal Ball candles available at the front desk. [Are they engraved? When did they have time to get THAT done?] Leslie strolls up to the desk and hands over the key to the hotel room with a little wink, wink, nudge, nudge conversation about her taking care of the bill until further notice (rather than them billing Tad at his house or office). As she walks away, she spies Tad and saunters over to him with a fake (but saucy) greeting of not expecting to run into him there. He glowers at her and says her office told him she was there. She's happy that he tracked her down. He tells her to cut the sweet talk -- he knows EXACTLY what she's doing and she's going to stop it RIGHT NOW. She looks at him as if she's slightly affronted by his inference and doesn't know what he's talking about.

Leslie starts to walk around him while asking what's wrong with him. He grabs her arm and spins her back around (this is still in the lobby). He says SHE is (what's wrong) and reiterates her sins re the hotel, his kids and his father. Tad asks if she thinks he's the village idiot [since they're in an entire town full of idiots, that's all kind of relevant]. He thinks she's SICK! She protests that maybe she IS sick, which is why she wanted a checkup -- she went to Dr. Joe for a physical because he's the best -- like his son. He lambastes her, saying she didn't go for a checkup -- she went to Dr. Joe to try to feel out some more personal inroads into his family, which she could then use against him. She pouts, seeming to be genuinely hurt that he would think something like that! He still has hold of her arm and has been shaking and jerking it for emphasis. People are walking by them constantly in the busy lobby, but no one gives them a 2nd glance. In another blatant nod to the movie "Fatal Attraction", he wants to know if he should make it easy for her and go find a pet rabbit so she can get busy making soup. She starts to cry and he tells her through gritted teeth to knock it off because it's not going to work. She sits down and apologizes because it keeps happening to her and asks for a handkerchief. Tad looks around, hoping no one is noticing. He pulls a snot-rag out of his pocket and papers come out with it, clattering to the floor. Leslie bends down to pick them up and Tad looks heavenward for patience [so he IS the village idiot]. She's still rooting around on the floor and he bends down thanking her and telling her that he's got it. He sits down and stuffs the fallen papers into his pocket, telling her he knows she's upset -- he's upset too. That's why this has GOT to STOP!

Leslie asks why he's being to awful to her, so dismissive? He says it's because talking to her like an adult doesn't seem to work. He asks her to please stop crying. She says she can't just turn off her feelings! Tad: "You're not supposed to have feelings. Not like this. Not over 10 minutes of insanity that happened between us because some jerk drugged an entire boatload of people with a mickey!" She says it wasn't just that one night for her -- she's had these feelings for him for SO LONG and now that they've come out-- Tad grabs her and roughly jerks her to her feet. FINALLY someone in the lobby notices -- Jake walks up behind them and watches, perplexed. Tad: "You're just going to have to stop them up again! This is a warning, ok? You have to BACK - THE - HELL - OFF!" She notices Jake, then grabs Tad for a passionate hug, clinging to him. Tad peels her off, grabbing both her wrists, then turns to see Jake staring at him. Tad looks extremely guilty as Jake stares at him in disbelief, obviously very disappointed at his brother's behavior.

THE BOATHOUSE

Shrieking with laughter, Dixie runs in holding a giant round tray, with David on her heels, holding another one (the trays are about 2.5' across). He can't believe how fast she drove that getaway car. [FAC BJs ON] I've been robbed by a cat-torturing ego-maniac and his airheaded almost-mistress! Call Derek -- wait a second, what I am I SAYING? Call Janet Dillon -- SHE'LL know what to do! I feel SO VIOLATED!!! [FAC BJs OFF] Dixie wonders what her kids would think, then realizes that she, a responsible young mother, CAN'T be caught stealing restaurant supplies! He tells her to think of the payoff! She frets over the dangerousness of sledding on those things. He says they are aerodynamically charged and asks if she's ready to hit toboggan hill. She challenges him to a race and they run off. [Why did they go to the boathouse in the first place, then?]

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica tells Bianca that it's all in the past now -- Greenlee won't hurt her anymore. Erica inquires as to Leo's whereabouts and Bianca tells her that he went to see Greenlee, who has been arrested. Erica is THRILLED at that news and hopes that Bianca will be called to testify against her. Bianca says they won't and, besides, it doesn't matter [I think Laura would beg to differ]. Erica thinks it DOES matter -- after all, Greenlee tried to pin an attempted MURDER on Bianca -- she just wishes Bianca would have come to her sooner. Bianca says she tried many times but she chickened out. Erica asks if she was THAT afraid of her. Bianca says that Greenlee only blackmailed her because she LET her -- if she hadn't cared, it wouldn't have mattered. Erica tries to stop her from talking about that whole "gay thing". Bianca: "This 'GAY THING'?" Erica asks who else knows about it -- has she been telling anyone about it? Bianca says no and Erica is VERY relieved. Erica: "Good! Good! Then it's just you and me and Dimitri. And -- and Leo and that horrible Greenlee person that we have to silence." Bianca: "And Uncle Jack and Myrtle." Erica: "Myrtle? ... All right. All right. It doesn't matter because Myrtle is such a great friend. I know Myrtle won't tell anyone. No, I am confident that we can totally contain this whole thing." Bianca: "'CONTAIN THIS'? Mom, you make it sound like an EBOLA outbreak or something!" Erica tells her it's just that it's a private matter -- do not twist her words! Erica needs to know how Greenlee found out about this theory of Bianca's. Bianca takes offense that Erica thinks it's a "theory". Erica ignores that and presses on. Bianca remembers, then turns around, telling Erica that she's going to have a cow. Then she turns back and says that her friend Rain took her to a gay bar on Halloween. Erica is very surprised that there is a gay bar in Pine Valley. Leo had followed Bianca to see if she was okay and Greenlee followed him and has been holding it over Bianca's head ever since. Erica: "First, this Rain -- she tries to turn you into a panhandler, and now she's trying to turn you into a --" Bianca: "A LESBIAN?" Erica closes her eyes for a few moments, trying to choose her words carefully. She tells Bianca that she is SOOO impressionable and doesn't think she should be putting labels on herself or even making a choice like this at this time. Bianca earnestly tells her that it's not a CHOICE, it's who she IS! Erica says she knows that's how she FEELS because of Sarah, but-- Bianca says it's not a FEELING, it's SOO much more than that! Erica: "Then that's even MORE reason why you should see Dr. McGrath IMMEDIATELY." Bianca: "What?" She can't believe Erica wants her to see a SHRINK! Erica happily tells her that she (Bianca) has had a lot of therapy in her life and it's always HELPED her! Bianca flat out refuses and says not THIS time! Erica: "Excuse me?" Bianca tells her that she's not going to get CURED! It doesn't matter how much Erica pays this psychiatrist of hers, it's NOT going to work, so just DROP IT!

Erica says she's already consulted Dr. McGrath [whom I picture as a gruff dog wearing a trenchcoat] Bianca asks if Erica expects him to deprogram her and says it doesn't work that way. Erica thinks it would be good for both of them if she goes with her. Bianca: "Mom, I understand that this is something that affects you very much, but what I am inside is not really up for debate!" Erica says of course not, but she has to LOOK at these confused feelings. Bianca says she's not the one who's confused. Erica: "I need to be sure of that." Bianca: "**I'm** sure!" Erica: "I know that's what you believe, but, Bianca, what *I'm* hearing is a cry for help. And I'm here! I'm here to help you with that!" Bianca: "Mom -- do you think that I would have chosen to be this way? I mean, don't you think that -- that I might like to be the way most other people are? I mean, it would be so much easier. Why wouldn't I want that?" Erica: "Well, that's what Dr. Mcgrath will help you find out." Bianca: "Mom, I'm NOT going to start liking men, not the way you think I'm supposed to." Erica, ever the center of ALL universes: "This belief of yours that you can't have a great relationship with a man -- it's all about not wanting to walk down the same path that I have. You look at me -- I've had one failed relationship with a man after another, and you say to yourself, 'uh-uh, not for me. I'm not going to do that! I'm going to choose another way.' And so you have, mistakenly. And Dr. Mcgrath can help get you back on track!" Bianca: "To happily ever after?" Erica: "Yes! Isn't that the goal, Bianca? Honey, please promise me that you will just think about what I've said. PLEASE." The doorbell rings, interrupting them. It's a deliveryman with a dress for Erica for the Crystal Ball. Bianca says she had forgotten all about it and hadn't even given a thought about what she would wear! Erica is shocked: "Well, honey, YOU'RE not going. Are you?" Bianca looks like she's been slugged in the stomach.

Erica fusses with the dress as Bianca says that they talked about going to the Crystal Ball before Christmas [I thought that, at that point, there wasn't going to BE one]. Erica says a lot has happened since then. Bianca: "You don't want me there?" Erica FINALLY remembers how Bianca feels about something and conveniently reminds her that she always said she HATED parties. Besides, this is an ADULT event [Oooh! What kind of party favors will they be handing out?] Bianca is taken aback: "You think I'm a child?" Erica says she is 16, so she's NOT a full-grown adult yet. Erica busies herself putting her coat on and suggests calling Myrtle to come over and spend some time with Bianca [a babysitter?]. Bianca coldly informs her that Myrtle went to Llanview to see her daughter. Erica sounds disarmed as she intently concentrates on buttoning her coat. Bianca asks if she is ashamed of her. Erica whips her head around: "What?" Bianca: "Is that why you don't want me to go to the ball with you?" Erica grabs her purse and starts waving her arms around like Dimitri: "Bianca, I was being sympathetic to YOUR feelings! I mean, I was trying to do what YOU like. I guess I was wrong AGAIN on that front." Bianca confidently chides her: "Don't do that, please." Erica cooly says: "Look, you do what you want to do, ok? I'll see you later." Bianca: "Where are you GOING?" Erica doesn't even look back as she tosses out: "I have an important errand to run. Bye!" Bianca looks cranky as she stares at the slammed door: "WHAT am I going to DO with her?"

[Have you ever seen the movie "Hairspray"? I now have visions of Erica returning with a doctor who is holding a whirling spiral and trying to hypnotize Bianca into liking boys :-)]

PINE VALLEY JAIL

Greenlee is ecstatic when Leo walks into the hallway outside her cell. She giggles and asks if he BELIEVES this! Leo cooly plays along, saying it's pretty wild -- what happened? She presses her face between the bars and holds onto them with her hands going out, up and back over a crossbar, looking pitiful. She says Derek came up behind her and started reading her her rights -- she almost keeled over! He says she managed to keep her wits about her, though. Greenlee: "Now I know what you went through when your mother had you thrown in here for something you didn't do! I mean, could there be anything worse than having to defend yourself against bogus charges? I was going nuts. I mean, the Crystal Ball is tomorrow and everything and -- and we're not mad at each other and we really should enjoy ourselves." Leo nods slightly and crosses his arms. Greenlee: "It's our first New Year's together and everything. And what about a limo? I'll spring for it." Leo gives a tight-lipped smile. Greenlee: "That way we can drink so much champagne and not have to worry about anything and have an amazing -- well, I don't have to tell you how fabulous it will be!" Leo's smile gets wider, but still tight-lipped as he raises his eyebrows, seeming to agree with her. Greenlee: "So, did they tell you how long it'll be before I can get out of this hole?" Still grinning, Leo shakes his head like he doesn't have any idea. Greenlee: "These things are all about paperwork and making you wait. It makes you crazy! It's inhuman!" Leo slowly walks up to the bars. Greenlee: "It's like -- it's like being this helpless --" Leo grabs her forearms and shakes her. Greenlee: "Leo, what are you DOING?" He pushes her way and spits out that she pushed Laura over the yacht. She stares at him, eyes wide and bulging.

Greenlee walks back over to the bars and asks if THAT's why he's acting so weird -- she did NOT push Laura over that boat! Leo yells at her to SHUT UP!!!! He KNOWS -- does she understand what that means? Can she stop lying to him for THREE SECONDS? Greenlee's brain is busy processing the situation and she raises her eyebrows, calmly and, with a slightly condescending manner, saying that she can see how mad he is and she can accept that-- Leo: "How NICE for you!" She protests that she LOVES him and he loves HER and that's all that matters! He asks what parallel universe she lives in -- she almost KILLED Laura! If that minister hadn't jumped in after Laura, she would have DROWNED! Greenlee cries that he DID, though and Laura is FINE! Leo yells: "Oh, 'she's fine.' Do you HEAR yourself?" Greenlee says she was DRUGGED! Leo: "Oh HERE we go!" He walks a few steps away. She insists she was, they ALL were -- she didn't want Laura to DIE! It was just an impulsive, drug-induced thing that she didn't even think about for 1/2 second. She just remembers being jealous of Laura hanging all over Leo and the next thing she knew ... well, she didn't MEAN it! Leo: "Oh, you didn't mean it? That's going to make a wonderful defense, Greenlee -- 'I didn't mean it, Your Honor.'" She flatly declares that she's NOT going to trial. He glares at her with disgust and says she can go to HELL for all he cares! She's shocked that he would say that and becomes very little-girlish. She says she hates the way that he's looking at her. She admits she messed up -- can't they come back from that? Leo explodes: "I ASKED you! I looked you in the eye, and I asked you! I promised you right there that no matter WHAT the answer was that I would live with it. I would help you. I wanted one honest moment of truth from you, Greenlee, but you kept lying to me over and over!" She mewls that she was afraid she would lose him -- can't he understand that? He says he CAN in some sick, co-dependent way -- it's the OTHER stuff that he can't wrap his head around. Greenlee, ever the center the of universe: "What other stuff?" He tearfully tells her that even if he could forgive her for lying to him and for lying to Laura, does she really think he could forgive her for abusing an innocent, vulnerable kid like Bianca, whom she KNOWS he considers to be like a SISTER to him? Leo: "Greenlee, you tried to ruin that kid's LIFE by blackmailing her to keep quiet! Like she doesn't have enough to worry about without you messing with her head! She has got more guts and more compassion than you could ever even hope to have! What is this, revenge? Because you have a mother who never gave a damn about you, so you try to take hers away from her?" Greenlee: "You know that's not true!" Leo: "Oh, do I? You were there with me when we walked in and we found her in that gay bar. You saw how terrified she was about being OUTED period, let alone to her MOTHER! What kind of a sick human being would go after somebody's biggest fear, Greenlee? How do you ever expect me to look you in the eyes again?" Greenlee desperately tries to explain that she did it because she loves him and wanted to hold on to him. Greenlee: "Can't you see? I'd do ANYTHING to keep you loving me forever!" [I notice that her head almost fits through the bars -- now THAT would be a great scene, having her head stuck :-)]

Leo tells her that she has a pretty twisted idea of love -- it's awfully familiar. She asks what he means. Leo: "Well, my mother could really relate to your idea of devotion." Greenlee: "DON'T compare me to Vanessa!" Leo: "Greenlee, you're just like her. Face it. You let Bianca take the fall for pushing Laura over the yacht just like my mother let me take the fall for killing her gigolo boyfriend. It's a pretty tight race on who's a bigger bitch." Greenlee starts crying and whining, saying she's not GOOD at this -- she's never been in love before! Leo: "Oh, more revisionist history? Wonderful." She guesses he's talking about Ryan and says she NEVER loved Ryan, but it took loving Leo for her to realize it. Greenlee: "I can't lose you, Leo, I CAN'T! Help me get out of here! Let me make it up to you! Let me fight for you the right way! I'll DIE without you, Leo!" Leo leans into the bars and bends down to her level, saying: "I'll DIE if I STAY." She cries and begs him to listen to her. He straightens up, reaches into his pocket and pulls out his keys, dramatically dropping them to the floor of the cell. Leo: "I will never set foot in that apartment again, do you hear me?" Leo: "Take care of Happy. Hopefully you can take better care of him than you can yourself." [And how is she supposed to do that from behind bars?] He walks out at she continues to cry and beg.

Greenlee covers her face as she cries and walks back to sink down onto the dreaded, vermin-infested, urine-soaked (in her mind) mattress. She rocks back and forth, keening at her loss. Derek quietly escorts Woodruff to the hall outside her cell. Greenlee tries to compose herself and snarls at Derek for calling her grandfather. She walks over to the bars, wiping her nose and eyes, telling him she never wanted him to see her in there. He calmly asks if she was drugged on that yacht. She fervently answers in the affirmative. He says that that will be her lawyer's defense and they'll get the charges dropped. She asks if he called her parents. He doesn't say yes or no. He takes a deep breath and merely says that they are in Switzerland. Greenlee: "They don't want anything to do with me, do they?" Woodruff starts to say something, but is at a loss for words, finally saying: "Let me go make sure your bail is in order." He walks out. Greenlee cries so hard that her knees buckle and she sinks to the floor. [I wonder why they put a toilet right next to the bars instead of on the other side of the room]

VALLEY INN

Jake walks up. Fresh out of her embrace of Tad and acting like it never happened, Leslie says she's glad he got the divorce papers so quickly and thanks him for meeting her on such short notice. Jake wants to be sure he signed and initialed everything correctly. She says she can check it right now -- does he mind waiting with his brother? She walks away. Jake demands that Tad tell him what the hell is going on between him and Leslie -- what did he just walk in on? Tad stares.

Tad says it's hardly a big deal. He had to give Leslie some bad news and she got all emotional and hugged him, that's all. Jake wants to know what the bad news is. Tad sputters a little, then says he had to tell her he was taking her off retainer at Chandler Enterprises, that's all. Jake belligerently says it's an odd thing for her to be hugging HIM about. Tad says maybe that's just her style. Jake says she's his lawyer and he knows that's NOT her style, that's why he's asking so many questions. Before Tad can respond, Leslie clops back and says Jake signed everywhere he was supposed to and they can move forward. She pleasantly says she hopes she'll see him at the Crystal Ball. He says he'll be there. [WHY? It's being hosted by his soon-to-be-ex-wife and the man she cuckolded him with for MONTHS. David Hayward will be there (drooling over Dixie, no doubt) to antagonize him, and everyone in town knows what happened. In fact, I don't think ANYONE except maybe Leslie, Ryan and Gillian are going to be happy to be there! What a crappy start to the millenium!] Jake throws a nasty "I'll catch YOU later!" to Tad and stalks off. Leslie, still unable to take a hint delivered by a crane and an I-beam, asks Tad if he'll save a slow dance for her. Tad just stares at her. He grimly says: "I don't want you talking to me and I don't want you talking to anybody in my family! The LAST thing I need right now is you hanging all over me at that Crystal Ball! You don't come anywhere near ME and you don't come anywhere near DIXIE. As a matter of fact, it might be better if you didn't come at ALL." Leslie pouts and says: "Look, I'm not trying to ruin your marriage, Tad. You've got it all wrong! If you would just be sweet to me --" she whines. Tad: "That's it! Enough, ok? ENOUGH. Now you're being DELIBERATELY dense [NOW?], and I can't DO this anymore!" He stalks off. Leslie gives a determined little moue, walks over to a couch, takes out her cell phone and places an order for a necklace she saw in the window. Her husband wants to buy it for her to wear to the Crystal Ball tomorrow night. She uses Tad's credit card (part of what fell out of his pocket earlier) to pay for it.

THE BOATHOUSE

Dixie and David yelp and shriek with glee as they run back into the boathouse, carrying the stolen restaurant trays. Dixie says she can TOTALLY see him doing that as a kid, but she could NOT see him doing it on a restaurant tray. [FAC BJS ON] Neither could I -- now that you've planted your hairy ass on it, Dr. D, go ahead and KEEP it! [FAC BJS OFF] He says he used to use the one that goes with his mother's sterling silver tea set [he must have had a really little butt at the time]. She asks if Vanessa ever found out. He said yeah, when he wrapped it around a TREE! They both laugh gaily [yeah, I'm sure Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono are laughing, too]. Dixie's hands are freezing, so naturally David offers to warm them up ["Here, let's start a fire -- I've got the PERFECT stick you can rub!"] As David rubs her hands over a convenient orange glow and looks into her eyes, she literally sways with desire. David trembles at her look.

David sensuously rubs Dixie's hands, never taking his eyes off of her. He throatily asks if that's better. David: "How about this?" He bends down and puts his mouth to within 1/8" of her hands and sensuously exhales on them with his hot, steamy breath. Dixie is having trouble breathing, in a ZING-ZING-ZING kind of way. Suddenly we hear a boy talking about making 3 goals. Then Junior answers. Dixie realizes who it is and jumps up. She pulls David with her as they quickly climb a few stairs to get out of sight. The other boy and Junior stop just outside the boathouse and discuss the team efforts. Dixie and David alternately hold their breaths and breath hard. Dixie is humiliated and David seems to realize that, once again, he's put the woman he loves into a very uncomfortable moral position [he also looks like he wants to take advantage of her physical position by spooning with her].

After the commercials, the boys continue to talk, then finally go back the way they came, wielding hockey sticks. Dixie tells David she doesn't know why she didn't just say hello. David softly says: "Yes, you do. We both do, Dixie. How much longer are you going to go on pretending that this isn't right in front of us?" Dixie looks even more flustered and says that Tad is going to be looking for her and she has to go. She runs out of the boathouse. David steps down and watches her go, then tosses his gloves down in a "CURSES, foiled again!" manner.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Bianca lets Jack in and she grouses about her mother not wanting her to go to the Crystal Ball because she's ashamed of her. Jack insists that's not it. Bianca says Erica is afraid she will embarrass her and she wants to lock her in her room with 17 Brad Pitt movies. Jack says they can't let that happen, so HE will take her to the Crystal Ball. Bianca wryly says that won't win him any points with her mom. He says he GUARANTEES that won't win any points with Erica, but it WILL save Bianca from Erica's worst instincts. [Oh yeah, take Bianca to a public forum so that Erica can be SURPRISED and blurt something out in a totally Erica fashion that will humiliate ALL of them!] Jack says that he thinks taking Bianca to the Crystal Ball is what Travis would do if he were there [actually, taking her back to Seattle is what Travis would do]. Bianca gratefully tells Jack that he's totally awesome. She asks about Erica and he says Erica will just have to deal with it. He wants to know if she's going to be his date or not, and she happily says that she IS. They lovingly hug.

VALLEY INN

Leo walks up to the concierge, makes a little small talk and then asks if there's any chance his old suite is available. The concierge asks if there's any chance he can PAY for it. Leo gives an embarrassed laugh and says he hadn't thought of that. He walks out.

PINE VALLEY JAIL

Erica walks up to Greenlee's cell. Greenlee is sitting dejectedly on the bunk. When she sees Erica, she rolls her eyes and asks: "What're YOU lookin' at?" Erica: "EVIL. INCARNATE." Greenlee throws her head back and cackles with glee, just like an evil witch. She agrees she's right up there with Attila the Hun. Erica speaks plainly and deliberately as Greenlee frowns: "You listen to me, you nasty, poor excuse for a woman. You say one word about my daughter -- one WORD -- and I will find you and I will ruin your life. And don't think I can't or that I WON'T. You may be able to bully a child, but you have never met anyone quite like ME. And as for Leo, he is well rid of you, and by now I'm sure he's completely over you. Get used to this feeling, Greenlee. This is your life." She confidently teeters off. Greenlee: "You don't scare me. And I'm NOT losing Leo to ANYBODY."

ON THE NEXT AMC:

Ryan makes the following announcement as we see Dimitri, Erica, Laura, Leo, Greenlee, Woodruff, Jackson and Bianca: "Princess Andrassy and I would like to welcome you to the fourth annual Crystal Ball!"

Liza to Adam: "I will marry you -- tonight!"

Vanessa to Hayley: "You're harboring some secret about Arlene, and I know what it is."

David holds Dixie's face in his hands, then passionately gloms onto her waiting mouth.

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "it's time for the Crystal Ball Dissection!" Coutellier