2001: Detailed Friday Update, 1/19/01

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Bianca to Erica (psychiatrist is also in the room): "TELL HER how you feel about having a gay daughter -- TELL HER!!" Erica: "I've never been so frightened of anything in my life!"

Ryan: "I'm giving you that wedding I promised." Gillian: "I could get married in Las Vegas in one of those Elvis places and still be the happiest woman in the world!"

Mateo reads a note next to Hayley, presumably left by Arlene. The note reads: "I am as close as your next breath. I can get to you whenever I want." Mateo: "Oh, my God!"

VALLEY INN BAR AND GRILL

Ryan is on the phone with one of his investors (Stan) and is finding out that it will take $10K to get in on a money-making scheme. Gillian only hears the fringes as she picks up menus and smiles at him. Ryan tells Stan he's in and to meet him at the Valley Inn Bar in 1/2 hour. Ryan tells him that it's better that they keep Gillian in the dark on this [then why aren't you meeting at BJs or something?]

Leo walks in and is surprised to see Gillian working there. She informs him that she's already made $3 in tips! He jokes about it and Ryan says it's mad money. Leo tells her that means it can be spent in a madcap way. She says it's going straight into a savings account where it can confound interest. Ryan corrects her and interjects that his own bank statement is pretty darn confounding. Leo then hands Ryan some faxes and Gillian gets back to work. Leo says he guesses he can't ask for an advance on his salary for a while then. Ryan points out that Leo has a LOT of money since Greenlee bought out his half of the loft. [Huh? Exactly how much money did Leo put into it in the first place? Hmmm, let's see ... multiply by ... carry the 2 ... equals ... NOTHING!] A light bulb turns on over Ryan's head and he asks Leo if he'd like to see that money work for him -- he just got a hot tip on an investment.

Before Leo can answer, Adam interrupts and asks the same question many of us were asking, namely, is Ryan putting in a 1/2 day? Why isn't he on the yacht conducting business? Ryan says he's meeting a client. Adam scoffs at the idea of Leo being a client. Ryan says that Leo is his new assistant. Adam doesn't quite believe it. Leo says he has great people skills and orders Adam to welcome him aboard. Adam asks what kind of scam Leo is trying to pull this time.

Adam says he'd rather gargle glass than have Leo on his payroll. Leo holds out a glass and asks "Straight up on on the rocks?" Ryan snickers. Adam says the last time Leo worked for him, it was a disaster. Leo says it was no picnic for him, either, having to hurt Stuart and Marian. Besides, he doesn't work for Adam, he works for Ryan. Ryan says Leo gets things done -- he's already got the computer network up and running and processing requests faster than they can fill them. Adam says HE's the one who signs the paychecks. Leo promptly pipes in: "You know, I'm glad you brought that up. Since I've proved myself indispensable, I think it's time we talked salary. I was thinking something high five figures with full bennies, of course -- retirement, pension plan, you know." Adam turns to Ryan and says this is the reason his business was in the tank when he took it over. Ryan points out that Adam didn't "take it over", he SOLD it to him, and if he didn't micro-manage every move they make, they might actually be able to get something DONE. Adam gives him until the end of the quarter to get the company in the black or they'll BOTH be out on their butts and he'll get some Silicon Valley guys to take over [they'll be available, too, since we won't have any electricity, so gas can't be pumped to the trucks to take it to the gas stations, whose pumps won't be working to pump it into the vehicles, which will all be stuck at intersections with non-working lights, trying to get to non-existent jobs because no companies will have electricity to run the lights, computers, door locks, telephones, etc. Without gas to power the trucks to bring food to the markets, where it will rot without refrigeration anyway, not to mention skyrocketing prices that we can't pay, in any case, since cash registers won't work, we'll all starve. Look for us to be moving to YOUR state soon. That won't make a lot of difference, though, since the collapse of the California economy will cause the entire US to sink into a depression. Sorry -- I think too much.].

As Greenlee walks in and Adam stalks out, Ryan vows he will NOT lose his company to that man [too late]! Ryan vents to Leo about Adam and Leo tells him he's preaching to the choir. Greenlee's head swivels to them, then over to Gillian waiting on tables. As Gillian strides by her, Greenlee tosses ice on the floor, which causes Gillian to slip. Greenlee grins.

Ryan and Leo help Gillian to pick up the mess on the floor. Leo notices Greenlee and suggests a connection, but Gillian insists she just wasn't looking where she was going. Gillian asks about Adam and Ryan brushes it off as Adam just getting off on power plays. Leo goes over to Greenlee and asks what's she's doing. She says it's a bar and she wants a drink if she can get anyone to wait on her -- it's so hard to get decent help these days. Ryan comes over and asks what she's doing there. Leo: "She's thirsty." Greenlee says she's surrounded by her two favorite men -- she feels like Scarlett O'Hara at the Twelve Oaks barbeque. Ryan says maybe they'll get lucky and someone will start a war. She says she thought Adam just did that. Then she starts in about Gillian being forced to work as a barmaid. Ryan corrects her -- Gillian is a WAITRESS. Leo bends down to her, picks up an olive-spearer and says: "Greenlee, think of something to do with this little plastic swordy thingy-dingy, ok?" He and Ryan walk out, leaving Gillian at Greenlee's mercy.

Outside the bar, Ryan and Leo discuss the investment opportunity -- Ryan is sure enough about it to invest $10k he doesn't even have -- does Leo want in? Leo: "Well, I'm a sucker for two things -- fast women and easy wom-- I mean easy money." They power-shake.

Later, Ryan walks in with Stan Berringer and introduces him to Leo. Stan sizes Leo up and asks if he's a player. Leo thinks for a second as he chomps peanuts and then says he likes the odds. Stan says he'll increase his seed money by tenfold. Leo hands Stan an envelope with $25K and Ryan hands him one with $10K. No paperwork is involved, apparently. Stan says he'll give it to their investor and get in touch in a couple of days. Stan leaves. Ryan tells Leo he is a TRUE bull-artist. Leo says in a couple of days he'll be a true bull-artist with a big, fat wallet. Gillian walks up and asks what was in the envelopes. Leo says that was their cash and pops more nuts into his mouth. Ryan signals over Gillian's head that it was the wrong answer and Leo smoothly continues after swallowing: "Analysis of the advertising rates for ID.com."

Greenlee suddenly starts bellowing: "Hey, you! WAITRESS! I need some SERVICE over here!" They all turn in her direction. Gillian takes a big, annoyed breath and marches over, exhaling loudly before saying: "Is there a problem?" Greenlee viciously snarls: "I ordered a White Russian! This is a Rusty Nail! I demand to see the manager!" Gillian's jaw works and she briefly looks away.

In the meantime, Leo asks if there's a reason why Ryan doesn't want Gillian to know about the deal. For that matter, should HE be worried about it. Ryan says she's just a worrier and he'll tell her later.

The manager has appeared at Greenlee's table and asks Greenlee if there is a problem. Greenlee rags on how Gillian is doing SERIOUS damage to the bar's reputation, bringing the wrong drinks and then getting her grubby fingerprints all over the glass. Gillian points out that they are HER grubby fingerprints. Greenlee leaps on that: "Do you hear the way she speaks to me? How could you tolerate such insubordination?" Man: "Gillian, Ms. Smythe is a highly valued patron of this establishment [apparently he's never seen or heard of Gillian or Dimitri or any of Dimitri's family]. One more incident like this, and you will be terminated!" He tells Greenlee her drinks are on the house and he walks away. Greenlee is happy, giving a smug head tilt ala Marcia Brady. Leo has hovered over the scene and walks to the bar to pick up a Bloody Mary as Gillian asks Greenlee if she's satisfied now. Greenlee says no, but she'll have another drink. She tells her to take that one away and bring her a Bloody Mary. Gillian walks away. Leo pretends to walk past Greenlee's table toward something else, then whirls and "accidentally" spills the drink all over Greenlee and her nice white top. She jumps up shrieking at him and calling him an idiot. Leo: "Oh, I'm sorry! Did you want celery with that -- I'm sorry -- or a twist?" You can hear Gillian laughing at her, not unlike when she fell, all oiled up, in the sand on the beach last summer. Gillian and Ryan continue to laugh, with him putting his arm around her. Leo smiles and sticks his tongue out at Greenlee, giving her nyah, nyah gestures.

ERICA'S HOUSE

[As with most scenes involving Erica and Bianca these days, I rely heavily on quotes because most of it is too good to summarize.]

Bianca asks if Erica is afraid of her. Erica says no, she's afraid of losing her! They are shown in profile, and Erica looks like a stick figure standing next to Bianca. The shrink, Pamela Trent, says it's not easy to admit our fears, but it's a major step toward resolving conflict. Bianca doesn't know what to say. Erica says to tell her she's not going to lose her. Bianca asks how she can even say that -- she's loved her her whole life -- her feelings haven't changed because she told her she was gay! Bianca: "But YOURS have." Erica: "That's not true!" Bianca: "Mom, you're angry with me ALL the time! You can't even stand to look at me!" Dr. Trent: "Erica, how do you feel about what Bianca just said?" Erica: "How do I feel? Well, when every dream you've had for your little girl vanishes -- it's decided. I mean, it's done. It's out of my hands. I don't think that my feelings count here." Bianca: "Mom, they matter to me!" Erica: "Bianca, you made an announcement that altered our lives. I know that you say that nothing has changed and that it's not about me, but I'm your mother and I am affected by your actions, your words, the choices you make for yourself. And our life is NOT the same -- from the silence at the breakfast table to the awkward kisses good night. And every time you go into your bedroom at night and close the door, I can feel that I'm losing you! And the break between us widens day by day, fight by fight. I'm losing you to a world I can't even begin to comprehend!" Bianca: "Have you ever reached for MY hand across the breakfast table? When I kiss you good night, YOU'RE the one who turns away! When I close the door behind me, I'M the one who cries myself to sleep at night because I miss you SO MUCH! And I pray that you will come into my room and that you will hold me and that you will tell me that everything is ok, that you still love me the way you used to!" Erica: "Of course I do! Of course I still love you the way I did! And how could I do those things, Bianca, when you shut me out?" Bianca: "Mom, I'm still here! I'm still here!" Erica: "But it's not the same. We're not close. Not the way we were." Bianca: "Because you keep pushing me to change, Mom! You're pushing me right out of your life!"

Erica: "How could I push you out of my life? You ARE my life!" Bianca: "I can't be that either, Mom. I can't be what you want me to be." Erica: "Can you understand that I've had dreams for you and plans for you ever since I can remember? Things for us to do together, mother-daughter things." Bianca: "Mom, we can still do mother-daughter things. We can - - we can go shopping and riding. We can go to movies together." Erica (sniffling now): "We certainly wouldn't be shopping for the same things. I mean, we'll never shop for a trousseau together. We'll never spend a day at Lacy's together picking out a china pattern or -- or a wedding dress." Bianca: "Well, what if I meet the right girl and we fall in love and we decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together? You can help us set up our house. You can help us pick out the silver and the linen --" Erica: "It would not be the same thing." Bianca: "Why not?" Erica: "Because." Bianca: "Because why? I think I know why. It's the same reason that you don't have any close girlfriends." Erica: "What? What are you talking about?" Bianca: "You -- you turn to men mainly when you need somebody to talk to, when you need a shoulder to cry on." Uncle Jack and Dimitri, David -- I don't think that you trust women the same way that you do men." Erica: "Dr. Trent, Bianca has seen me hurt many times." Bianca: "What does that tell you about yourself, Mom?" Erica: "That it takes a great deal of courage to give your heart to a man and risk that it might be broken." Dr. Trent: "Is that what you meant when you said that you felt like this was your fault?" Erica: "Dr. Trent, this session is not about me or my quote/unquote problems with men." Dr. Trent: "On the contrary. It's very much about you." Bianca looks at Erica. Erica stares a little, then looks away.

Erica walks over to Dr. Trent and says she may have a less-than-perfect track record with men, but that really has nothing to do with the situation at hand and she has NO problem attracting members of the opposite sex! Bianca looks down and sighs. Her face falls and she starts to walk away, knowing that this discussion is futile. The doctor tells Erica that she understands she has a hard time keeping the relationships together. Erica: "Well, it is hardly MY fault if the men I choose don't live up to my expectations!" Dr. Trent: "Perhaps you set your expectations too high." Erica: "Well, *I* have no trouble living up to them!" Bianca whirls and says: "But Daddy couldn't -- and *I* can't either! Erica says that Bianca was scarred deeply by watching their marriage disintegrate and that's why she's now afraid to commit to a man. Bianca says that is SO not true! Erica condescendingly says she thinks she hit a nerve or Bianca wouldn't be so defensive. Bianca: "I HAVE to defend myself, Mom -- you WON'T!" Erica: "Bianca, if you would just hear me out, then maybe you would understand." The doctor tells Erica to LISTEN to what her daughter is trying to tell her. Erica lashes out: "I have done nothing BUT! But so far I haven't heard one thing that makes any sense!" Dr. Trent: "The objective of family therapy is --" Erica: "Is for the THERAPIST to remain OBJECTIVE! Now, it is clear to me, Dr. Trent, that you are taking my daughter's side against me!" Bianca watches her, any slight hope of progress slipping away. Dr. Trent: "I'm sorry you see it that way." Erica: "I'm sorry you wasted our time!" The doctor tells Bianca to give her a call if they want to give it another chance, and Erica shows her the door. Erica firmly closes the door, shaking her head is disgust as she re-enters the living room. Bianca says family therapy didn't work -- now what do they do? Erica stares.

Erica mutters that she thought Dr. Trent would be more helpful. Bianca says she's tired and she doesn't want to fight with her anymore. Erica: "We don't have to fight, Bianca. If only you'd keep an open mind!" Bianca: "ME? Mom, I walked into an AMBUSH tonight. You spring this therapist on me without giving me ANY notice or asking my permission! It's like what you did when I was little, remember? You told me that we were going to a carnival, and instead you took me to the hospital to take my tonsils out!" Erica: "Oh, Bianca, because I didn't want you to be afraid. I was trying to soften life's rough edges for you." Bianca: "That is not your job, Mom. Your job is to love me and to give me direction, not take over my life and play amateur therapist!" Erica: "Fine. What we have to do is we have to find another therapist, one who has the proper qualifications." Bianca: "You mean someone who is going to tell you exactly what YOU want to hear! Mom, save yourself the money. Get a ventriloquist's dummy and sit it on your knee!" Erica: "That is NOT funny, Bianca." Bianca: "Do you see me laughing? [*I* laughed] Mom, I HATE the way we act around each other!" Erica: "So do I." [There is a standoff moment here, like when my former sweetie and I were discussing soaps. I said they were like books that never ended. He said "Exactly!" I said "Exactly!", but we had different viewpoints.] Bianca: "Did you mean what you said, you know, about me going back to modeling for the Enchantment campaign?" Erica, sincerely: "Of COURSE I did. I'll tell Shannon that you changed your mind. But, look, I want to be perfectly straight with you (she blanches a little at the gaffe). I mean I want you to know exactly what you're in for. We're going to do a lot of P.R. And since Donald Steele's big expose in the press, I mean, obviously the press is going to be asking you a lot of questions about your personal life, so -- so we'll rehearse, and then you'll be ready with the right answers." Bianca: "'The right answers.' You mean that you want me to lie about myself. I will pass. You tell Shannon knock herself out. I'm going to bed." Erica: "Oh, Bianca, please! PLEASE! Oh!"

THE SANTOS CONDO-O-LUV/DEATH TRAP/CANDLE WAREHOUSE

Hayley sits up and reads the note, then gets up to walk across the bedroom. Mateo turns on the lights [you can douse those 500 or so candles now -- how do these people breathe with all that waxy smoke? Don't their smoke alarms ever go off?] Hayley says Arlene is trying to make her confess. Mateo mentions Tina, who enters the room on queue, rubbing her sore head where she had been knocked out. Hayley rushes to get info from her, but Tina doesn't remember. Tina asks where all the candles came from. [Hayley: "Our spare bedroom is filled to the rafters."] Tina helpfully points out that the room looks like a shrine for the dead. Mateo says they should go to the hospital to get her head checked out. Tina picks up the phone to call the police instead and Mateo, ever mindful of her possible concussion, roughly yanks the phone away, whipping her around in the process. He says she doesn't want to do that. Hayley gapes and Tina looks confused.

Tina asks if he's already called the cops and he says he doesn't want to get them involved in it. Tina protests that someone knocked her over the head and turned the place into a creepshow! [TURNED it into one?] Hayley nervously says maybe Tina is right -- maybe they should call ... wait for it ... DEREK! Mateo says they should think about it while they take Tina to the hospital. Tina is frustrated and says that's not necessary, she'll just take some aspirin and have Jake check her out when she goes to work tomorrow. They need to report this. Hayley starts rocking back and forth and moaning/whining that she wishes this was just a dream and that somebody would wake her up! Tina says she knows they think this was Arlene's doing, but Hayley has her own TV show -- what if she's being stalked by some nut job? Hayley: "Arlene IS some nut job!" Mateo says that's why he's going to take her to someplace safe -- Adam's house, where they have recently beefed-up security. [BWAHAHAHAAAA!!! Didn't they JUST leave there after "Arlene" put that sentimental ashtray in Colby's crib? That place is as secure as a house of cards!] Hayley says it's NOT safe there -- she can get to her there if she wants to. Tina is still on her cop shtick and Mateo tells Tina to GO TO HER ROOM [I kid you not] -- go back to her condo and lock the door and forget about what's going on over here. He's NOT calling the cops. Hayley pathetically apologizes to Tina for getting hurt and moans that it's all her fault -- everything is all her fault! Mateo hands Hayley her jacket and drags her out, asking Tina to put out the rest of the candles. They leave. Tina blows out 3 candles, then picks up the phone to report a break-in.

ADAM'S HOUSE

Mateo and Hayley sulk in and Winnifred explains that Liza is down at the gatehouse. Hayley appears to be clutching a pink security blankie. Winnifred offers tea, etc., but Mateo brushes her off. They go into the living room and Hayley demands to know why he's trying to get rid of Winnifred. Does he suspect the staff let Arlene in? She insists they are loyal to her father to a fault. Mateo says they all hate Arlene, too. She then shifts gears and asks what happened at the bar. He tells her about Arlene paying some guy to lure him there. Hayley says it's another way for Arlene to come between them and she can't shake this feeling that she is EVERYWHERE, watching them. Maybe they SHOULD call the police. Adam walks in and asks why, what's happened now? [Why didn't they hear the front door? It's only a few feet away.] Mateo does that weird jaw/lip maneuver that he's so fond of lately and says that Arlene has struck again.

Mateo explains what happened at their candle-infested condo and shows him the note. Adam keeps blustering about how do they know it's Arlene. Mateo says Hayley says it is her mom's handwriting and the same as on the note found in the crib. Hayley: "Yeah, I used to have this cat named Comet [Hayley's Comet -- Charlie Brent gave it to her] who got this mouse once and was, like, batting the mouse around. And sometimes the mouse would get away and the cat would let it think it was escaping, and then the cat would pounce on it again. And that's what I feel like I am. I feel like I'm the mouse waiting to be pounced on by the cat, and I just -- I can't take it anymore. I really can't." Mateo says he won't let Arlene do this to her [you haven't stopped her yet, dickweed]. Hayley says it's too late -- she's everywhere. He says that it's NOT a ghost -- if it really IS Arlene, then she'll trip up and they'll catch her. Hayley says that then she'll go to the police and it will be all over, which is why SHE has to go to them first. Derek already knows something's up. Adam says they've already ruled that out. Besides he's had the locks changed (he hands them both a new set). He's already hired a PI. Hayley says it won't matter, because Arlene will find a way. The doorbell rings and Adam goes to get it, assuming it's the new PI, Duffy Olifant (and it is). He introduces them and says Duffy has done work for him in the past and is very discreet. Duffy says he's up to speed -- is there anything they'd like to add? Hayley: "Are you a married man?" He says yes and she tells him to watch is back -- Arlene's favorite prey is married men. There's an uncomfortable moment [is there any other kind in that house?], and Adam says Duffy will be keeping an eye on Hayley, too, from a distance. Duffy asks about her schedule. Hayley looks like she's going to puke and excuses herself to go upstairs. Mateo will fill him in on the schedule when comes back downstairs. Adam gives Duffy a picture of Arlene. Duffy thinks she's a good-looking broad and Adam agrees -- she's a part-time party girl and part-time black widow -- she's lethal.

When Mateo comes back down, Duffy says he'll start at the bar where the guy saw Arlene. They walk him out. Adam walks Mateo back into the living room, arm around his shoulders, assuring him that Duffy is a good man and will take care of it. Mateo says Hayley is a wreck. It's out of hand -- maybe they SHOULD call the police. Adam yells "NO!!" Hayley will spill and confess to murder before they even read her her rights. If the cops find Arlene before they do, she'll damn Hayley to hell with her sob story. Mateo says to let her talk -- it will at least prove Hayley didn't kill her! Adam says there would still be a trial -- does Mateo really want Hayley to go through that? Mateo says Adam has the best lawyers who will convince them there were extenuating circumstances -- it can't be any worse than what Hayley is going through right now! He says Arlene has proven that she can get close to all of them, even Colby. Is he willing to put his daughters at risk? Adam stares with his mouth open.

Adam says he would DIE before he puts his daughters at risk. Mateo tells him to be careful what he wishes for, blah, blah, blah. Adam says Arlene wants money. Mateo says she would have shown up a lot sooner if that was the case -- she has a score to settle with Hayley. Adam insists he'll have his P.I. find her, pay her off, then he'll have his private jet fly her off half-way around the world. Mateo says if he doesn't, he's calling the cops. On cue, the doorbell rings. Adam opens it [all that beefed up security and not a peephole in sight] and Derek barrels in, saying they need to talk. He goes into the living room, says Tina told him what happened a the condo, and demands that Mateo tell him what's going on between him, Hayley and Arlene Vaughn. Mateo works his jaw.

CONDO-O-WAX

Tina and Derek walk into Hayley and Mateo's bedroom. Tina says H&M didn't want to bring the police in, but something in there is SO not right! He asks if they gave her a reason for not bringing the police in. [If Derek KNOWS H&M don't want to report anything, why is he still there asking questions?] Tina points out the trashed living room. Tina goes to get something to show him and he wanders around actually opens the NIGHTSTAND DRAWER! She runs back in, saying: "It's GONE!" Turns out she's talking about the doll with the noose. She blabbers about how she wanted to call the police but Hayley didn't want to, saying she deserved it. It comes out that Arlene is suspected of doing all these things, and Derek busily writes this down. Tina says Arlene is back with a vengence and Hayley is completely undone. Derek thinks very, very hard, appearing to be working on the square root of PI.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica is leafing through a photo album, lost in reminiscing over Bianca as a little girl. Bianca walks into the room, carrying a suitcase. Erica doesn't look up, but tells Bianca to look -- she found a photo album with pictures of Bianca's first dance recital! She gushes about the polka-dot dress and how much Bianca loved it and how she probably still has the dress somewhere! Bianca stares at her, stone-faced. Erica finally looks up and sees Bianca dressed to leave and carrying the suitcase. Erica gets up and asks what that stuff is. Bianca says she's leaving. Erica asks if this is another joke or test! The audio and video gets wobbly and it becomes clear that this is a dream. Bianca: "It's the story of your LIFE, Mom! You just can't keep people around. You FORCE them out of your life!" She goes over to a desk where there are photos of many of Erica's men (7 in all) and turns them over, one by one: "Your dad, my dad, Uncle Jack -- all the men that you say you loved." Erica: "I did love them! Bianca, I loved them with all my heart!" Bianca: "But they couldn't love you back, Mom. You made it IMPOSSIBLE! You expect too much, and you give back FAR too little. You're a FAILURE as a woman and as a mother!" Erica: "Bianca, no! You don't mean that!" Bianca: "I mean every word! I wish to GOD that I weren't your daughter! She runs out of the house. Erica yells: "Bianca! Come back! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!!!" The camera shows Erica's hands on the photo album and pans up to show her sleeping fitfully on the couch.

In reality, Bianca enters the living room and checks out her mother sleeping. She kneels down and look s at her with pain and love on her face. She reaches out to Erica to touch her hair or face, but before she can make contact, Erica starts mewing and tossing, begging Bianca not to leave her. Bianca gets up, picks up her jacket and walks out.

Rain is waiting for Bianca on the porch. Bianca thanks her for waiting and Rain says she's glad Erica didn't wake up when she tossed the rocks at Bianca's window. Bianca is really glad she came by. Rain asks if she and her mom went another ten rounds and Bianca says she's RELENTLESS and wont' be happy until Bianca comes home with a hunk on either arm! Rain says she can't help her there, but if she's up for some mindless fun, she's her girl. Bianca looks back at the house, then says: "Yeah, let's go!" They trot off.

THE PIT

Duffy shows Arlene's picture around. He asks Bud (the guy who scammed Mateo) about her and hands him his card. Duffy walks out and the guy crumples the card, tossing it over his shoulder. The camera shows a pair of half-booted legs traipsing in. This time the legs are skinnier than before. Bud hails "Arlene" and asks if she's going to save him a dance. The boots stop momentarily at this, then walk over to the bar to stand flirtatiously next to a pair of jeans (not Bud's). More and more leg is shown as she tuns and walks away from the bar. Bud tosses back a drink, sets it down and does a macho setting-himself-to-rights move before moving across the room with a look of lust on his face. The booted legs slowly and seductively meet his booted legs in the middle of the room and they start dancing. The camera pans higher and higher, finally showing the red velveteen miniskirt, the purse on the long gold-plated chain, and a tight top, finally stopping to show Hayley dancing with Bud. With a deeper voice than usual, she says: "Come on, Sweetie, put some MUSCLE into it! You KNOW what muscle *I'M* talkin' about!" She gives a throaty laugh and he joins in as the camera pans up and back.

ON THE NEXT AMC:

Hayley has her head tilted WAAAAY back as she looks lazily and seductively at Bud, who says: "What are we hanging around THIS dump for?"

Ryan: "Tell me right now what it is, what you want, and I will give it to you." Gillian flirts: "You're in for a surprise!"

David to a grim-mouthed Dixie: "Tad will never love you the way that I do. Just give me a chance to prove it."

Junior looks down, hurt, and asks Tad: "Are you going to leave us?" Tad looks grim indeed.

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "gee, who ever would have thought it would be Hayley?" Coutellier

2001: BC - Tue-Wed, 1/9-10/01

Everyone in the Chandler living room (at first I considered Stuart and Adam as separate :-), except for Junior, looks kind of haggard Tuesday -- did they tape on New Years Day or is it just poor lighting? Perhaps the makeup dept discovered a sale at Costco on foundation made by an Enchantment knock-off, DisEnchantment.

Understatement of the day: Liza: "... you'll have a nice story for when you grow up." Junior (looking meaningfully in Adam's direction): "I have a lot of those already, thanks." LOL!

When Adam ran into Tad at the door as he was running out to get to the Santos condo, did you hear Adam tell Tad to "Get the fu--"? I'm surprised (and yet not) that they didn't edit THAT out or at least try to cover it with some other noise.

Geez, what a SNOTTY hotel clerk that answered the phone when Dixie attempted to call Leslie's room! Upscale hotel, my ass!

There's more of Tad in that hotel room than there is of him at his own house! Doesn't Dixie find THAT even remotely odd? What am I thinking? Of COURSE she doesn't even consider that. And what was with that push-away/yank-back crap she and David were doing to each other? Doesn't anyone in town EVER consider marriage counseling? Never mind Libidozone, I think everyone in that town would benefit from regular doses of anti-depressants (if not Lithium) to help with those constant mood swings and out-of-control impulsive behavior.

I really felt for Greenlee when she found out her father was dipping into her trust fund. Leo was SO clueless about her feelings! Can you imagine the dysfunctional kids THIS pair would have?

Robin "their dog probably needs Prozac at this point" Coutellier

2000: BC - Detailed Friday Update, 12/22/00 (BIANCA COMES OUT TO ERICA)

[NOTE: This update is extra long because it contains a lot of direct quotes from some very powerful scenes involving Bianca.]

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Mateo, Hayley, Liza and Adam crowd around the front door as Derek tells Adam: "I have a few questions I need to ask you about the whereabouts of Arlene Chandler."

At the Valley Inn, Jack asks Erica: "What, exactly, did Hayward say?" Erica: "He actually said something really OBSCENE about Bianca and her roommate, Sarah!"

Bianca opens the front door to go meet Erica at the Valley Inn, but sees Sarah on the doorstep: "Sarah!"


VALLEY INN LOBBY

Erica thanks the reporters for being there and promises excitement about the new Enchantment campaign. She urges them to pig out at the buffet while they wait for her beautiful daughter, Bianca. Bruce, the prima-donna photographer, mutters about Erica's damn kid always screwing things up. Erica accosts him as his mouth bulges with hors d'ouevres. She angrily asks what he's doing there, since he's no longer working on the campaign. He says he's working for one of the trades now.

Brooke walks up to Jack and says hello. He jokingly asks if she's cover Erica's hoopla for Tempo, but she says she's just there for lunch. Brooke asks what Erica is up to and he says she's about to introduce Bianca as part of their mother-daughter campaign. Brooke gets angry and says Erica SHOULD be introducing her daughter to a THERAPIST! She needs help, considering SHE'S the one who pushed Laura overboard! Jack gives his patented upper-body sway/head-tilt 1/2 twist and asks if Erica knows this. She says yes, but Erica is in her usual denial and Bianca is suffering as a result. Erica walks up: "How DARE you!"

Jack steps in before any real damage can be done and tells Brooke that he has a hard time believing the story. She says it's all over the news that Libidozone had been given to almost everyone one the yacht. Bianca saw Leo and Laura kissing, got jealous and pushed Laura overboard. Erica protests that there was NOTHING between Leo and Bianca, so there was no jealousy, thus no motive. Jack pulls Erica to the side to have a "private" chat. Jack tells her that he HAS read the news reports AND he was there and was affected himself, if she will recall. Erica: "Affected so much that you would push somebody overboard?" He tells her to hear him out. He says maybe Bianca was affected by the drug and saw Leo and Bianca kissing. He stumbles over his words a little before finding his stride: "I think that maybe Bianca doesn't have feelings for Leo. I think maybe she has feelings for Laura." Erica: "Are you out of your MIND?" This catches the attention of a reporter, who starts scribbling, and both Erica and Jack clam up temporarily. They start up again, albeit more quietly. Jack: "I am not saying that I believe Brooke's story about Bianca pushing her into the water. What I'm saying is we have been seeing certain signs from your daughter and from other people. Now, your daughter is obviously struggling, honey. Bianca is struggling with something. It's clear. Now, I'll tell you what I think she's struggling with. Her sexuality." Erica blinks at him in consternation, then puncheslaps him. She glares at him, then totters unsteadily through the crowd of reporters, rubbing her hand. [As I watched the odd way she trotted out, especially in that dress with that hairstyle, I couldn't help but think of Sally Field in Soap Dish :-)] Brooke stares at Jack, who appears to be trying to realign his jaw.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Bianca, wearing a sparkling navy dress to match her mother's dress, asks Sarah what she's doing there. After making sure Erica isn't home, Sarah asks to come in. She's bearing a gift. She looks around and nervously says the house was what she expected, then comments that the dress is not Bianca's usual afternoon attire of t-shirts and sweatpants. She hands the gift to Bianca. Bianca asks if she's trying to make her cry. Sarah gets serious and begs her to open it. Bianca sadly takes it to the side and opens it. It's a new journal. Sarah: "For your new memories." Bianca stares at her, still hurt and bitter over Sarah's betrayal of planning to get married. Sarah stares up at Erica's portrait and says "She's everywhere, isn't she?" Bianca snaps that it's HER house! She demands to know why Sarah drove all the way down from Boston -- surely to give her the Christmas present? Something happened, didn't it? Sarah admits that's true. Her mother sort of lost it after Bianca had left her hotel room. She seemed afraid that Sarah would run away with Bianca, so she moved the wedding up -- to tomorrow! She thinks that will seal the deal and that will be that. Sarah says it will be good for her mother and good for Ian. Bianca asks what about her? Sarah says she guesses she's letting other people decide about that. Bianca heaves a sigh of frustration and asks what this is about -- is she asking--? Sarah says yes and begs for Bianca's help.

Bianca wants to know how she can possibly help. Sarah whines: "I can't believe this is happening to me!" Bianca: "Sarah, nothing is happening to you that you can't stop!" Did Ian try to do something to her? No, he wouldn't hurt her or anybody else. Bianca: "Well, then what do you want from me? You BROKE UP with me. I told you what I want, what I would do to make it happen, and you're marrying Ian tomorrow!" Sarah protests that she doesn't WANT that. Bianca tells her SHE has to change it, but Sarah says she can't do that -- she's not as strong as Bianca. Sarah: "My mother keeps telling me that everything is going to be fine, that my wedding day will be the happiest day of my life. Except -- that's already happened -- with you." Bianca looks at Sarah with angry hurt and her voice trembles as she says: "So what? Do you want me to make up your mind for you?" Sarah: "I want YOU! I want what we had! I want that with YOU. And I'll never be what my mom wants me to be! Maybe you can pull that off with your mom, but _I_ can't!" Bianca: "Whoa! You think I'm who my mom wants me to be?" Sara points out that Bianca is even starting to dress like Erica [heh, heh, heh]. Bianca says that she wouldn't be there if Sarah had come with her that afternoon in New York -- she's here doing this now because she doesn't have Sarah. Sarah tearfully says: "I'm here now." Bianca is stunned, but hopeful. She asks what Sarah is REALLY saying, because she couldn't take it if Sarah didn't REALLY mean it! Sarah says she can't marry Ian tomorrow. Bianca shakes her head and steps toward Sarah as Sarah says: "Not unless you help me through it! [I'm beginning to see why Erica doesn't like this girl] Help me to be strong, like you are!" Bianca, let down once again, resignedly says: "Sarah, what are you trying to do to me?" [Yeah, what she said!] Sarah says that Bianca can pull this off -- she can stay in Erica's house and be anything her mom wants her to be for as long as she needs to do it. Then she can move on and be herself. Sarah says that Bianca gave her an out that day -- she would have run away with her. Obviously Bianca is strong and can survive ANYTHING! Sarah: "I CAN'T!" If Sarah had said yes that day, Bianca would have gone with her. Bianca explodes: "But you DIDN'T -- NOW LOOK AT ME!!!" Bianca turns away. Sarah says they both know it's not going to stay this way forever, but she doesn't have it in her to be who she is -- she has to be somebody else. Bianca grits her teeth and says she doesn't know what Sarah wants from her. Sarah: "I want you to say it's going to be ok. I want you to tell me that I'm not going to be unhappy for the rest of my life! I want you to let me go." [Huh? I don't know about Bianca, but I think _I'm_ getting whiplash] Bianca: "Sarah -- I can't do that. I love you and that has never changed, not for one minute!" Sarah says that's why she knows Bianca is going to be ok. She can say what she feels and OWN it! She'll be able to tell her mother the truth one day because she believes what's in her own heart -- Sarah CAN'T! Bianca turns on her and darts her tear-filled eyes, saying that Sarah is SO WRONG about her! Sarah came there for her help, but she can't even help herself!

Bianca asks Sarah if she's BLIND! What is it that Bianca is able to do that Sarah is not? Bianca can't tell her mother she is gay -- not now, not ever, because her mother would fall apart. She knows because she's tried! Bianca: "I have tried to say, 'Mom, I want you to know who I am. I want you to know Sarah because I know that if you could see how special she is, there is no way that you couldn't love her, too.' My mom can't accept who I am, Sarah, and you won't accept us, so where does that leave us?" Sarah: "You'll be able to tell her. You're strong enough to do it. I know you are!" Bianca: "Sarah, would you just shut up? I'm not strong! You're not strong! The only thing that is strong here is our FEAR, and it's winning, Sarah! We're letting it win!" Bianca spins and walks across the room.

Sarah brings up a memory of them breaking out of the school to play on the swingsets at the school next door, and Bianca saying she was trying to kick the stars. Bianca: "Yeah. And you said I couldn't." Sarah: "And you said you could do anything. That's the difference between you and me [...] I still love you." Bianca: "I know. I know you do." They both gulp and stare painfully at each other. Sarah steps toward Bianca and they desperately hug each other, crying. Bianca closes her eyes and caresses the back of Sarah's head, cherishing Sarah and the moment as if it were their last. When she opens her eyes, she sees Erica standing in the doorway. Erica's face falls and she looks like she's going to hurl as she gives Bianca a questioning head tilt.

As a horrified Erica watches, Bianca suddenly breaks the embrace and steps back in terror like a kid caught playing doctor. Sarah turns around and Erica gathers her wits and slams the door. Erica demands to know what Sarah is doing there -- hasn't she caused them all enough pain? Sarah stutters that she was just bringing Bianca a gift from Boston. Erica says maybe she didn't make herself clear in NY -- Sarah is NOT welcome in her home, even WITH a gift! Bianca finds her voice again and steps forward, begging Erica not to do this. Erica blazes ahead, castigating Sarah for detaining Bianca while a dozen reporters wait for her debut at the Valley Inn. Bianca pleads with Erica not to do this right now. Erica asks if she has to call her personal security guards to make SURE that she leaves? [Erica has security guards? They aren't very effective, considering anyone at all can come to her door and people routinely let themselves in to lie in wait for her] Bianca yells at Erica to STOP! Sarah dives for her purse/backpack and says it's okay, she's leaving. Sarah says to Bianca: "I'm sorry I came here." Erica: "You should be!" Sarah shakes her head beseachingly at Bianca: "I never meant to hurt you. I never did, not for a minute!" Bianca stares as Sarah turns to walk out, then calls to her: "No, Sarah, WAIT! We have to talk!" Erica desperately tosses in: "We have to get to the Valley Inn, honey!" "NOOO!!!" Bianca shrieks! She looks quickly back and forth between Sarah and Erica and seems to make a decision. She walks over to Sarah and whispers: "Sarah, THIS IS IT. This is it. We can DO this! We can -- we can do this NOW, Sarah. You don't HAVE to get married! You don't have to --" Sarah frantically looks between Bianca and Erica and bolts out the door. Bianca screams: "Sarah!" She stares, devastated, at the closed front door.

Erica nervously walks over to Bianca and picks all around the lower half of Bianca's dress, twittering about the stylist smoothing it all out. [I notice that Erica's dangling forelock is on the opposite side of the face from the one that Bianca wears.] Bianca just stands there, catatonic. Erica reaches out and caresses her face, turning it toward her, telling her that she doesn't have to worry about anything -- Mommy's here! She can't wait to show her to the world. The limo is waiting and Uncle Jack is waiting. She tells her how much she loves her. Erica: "You know what else? Your father would have been so proud of you! Oh, he would have loved to see you JUST this way!" Through it all, Bianca stares at her without uttering a sound, her pain palpable. Bianca slowly turns and walks across the room. She picks up the journal and stares at it, knowing it represents all her lost hopes and dreams of love with Sarah, and the end of something bigger. The silence is deafening [so much so that I keep backing it up to make sure I don't inadvertently have the TV on mute or that the speakers aren't suddenly broken]. Erica finally calls Bianca's name, tentatively, worry and dread written all over her face. Bianca puts the journal down and turns, staring for a long time at Erica. There's still complete and utter silence -- not even a swish of a matching dress. She turns back to Erica and slowly reaches up to her right hear. Her sorrowful eyes never leaving Erica's face. There's something new in her eyes now, though: determination. She pulls the earring off, then pulls the other one off. Erica, afraid to say anything, but knowing she must, asks Bianca what she's doing. Bianca seems to be trying to muster all her courage to say something.

ADAM'S HOUSE

Adam tells Derek that he and Arlene are divorced now and there's really no further need for contact. Now if he'll excuse them, they were just on their way out to be remarried. Derek says he needs to talk to Arlene and needs to know where she is. Adam says he doesn't know and doesn't care. Ever the loyal daughter, Hayley makes a face and says he knows EXACTLY where Arlene is, he just came from seeing her! Why doesn't he just tell Derek here to find her? Derek rolls his head back and gives Adam a challenging go-ahead-and-feed-me-more-bullshit--I-won't-believe-you-anyway-you-degenerate-scum-sucking-bottom-feeding-maggot-from-hell look. [Of course, Derek also gives that look to grandmothers, nuns, newborns and passing airplanes, so that doesn't really mean anything. I'll bet it goes over really well when he asks women out -- no wonder this man never gets laid!]

They all move into the living room like they are being herded by a border collie. Adam admits it wasn't a social call -- he had tracked Arlene down to sign the divorce papers, she complied and he didn't look back. He certainly doesn't want to look back today, on the day he and Liza are starting over! Surely Derek can understand THAT! Derek says he understands that Adam still hasn't told him where Arlene is. Adam says she was in Amsterdam the last her heard. They met at a coffee house to sign the papers -- it was arranged by their attorneys, and he doesn't have her address. He knew it was the last 10 minutes he would ever have to think about her -- it IS the last time, right? Derek asks if he knows tht Stuart filed a missing person's report on Arlene. Adam and Marian are visibly stunned by this new piece of information. Derek informs them that Arlene left her stuff at the Pine Cone Motel, except for a valuable painting that Stuart had given her. Marian explains that she was very upset with Arlene after what she had done to Stuart last summer, so Stuart probably didn't tell them because he knew they wouldn't be sympathetic to Arlene's situation. Derek says Stuart called and dropped the missing person's report the night before because he had heard Arlene was in Amsterdam and assumed she was okay. Adam gets pissed off because that means Derek already knew the answer before he even came to the house and was just trying to test them!

Derek wants to know why and how she left the country with nothing but the clothes on her back. Do any of them find that out-of-character for Arlene? Hayley finds it VERY out-of-character because her mother hoards everything, especially because she never has anything for very long. Adam points out that Arlene hasn't been sober since Nixon was in office, so what would be so unusual about her leaving everything behind when she skips town? Derek watches him with puffed-out cheeks, but appears to be swallowing his lips as his eye twitches. Adam protests that all this insinuation and innuendo are demeaning, and they have a WEDDING to go to! He moves to leave. Derek ignores him, sits down in front of their white Xmas tree, and asks if anyone saw Arlene on the yacht the night of the fundraiser. Mateo rubs his face in his hands. Hayley opens her mouth and looks under and up at Mateo. Liza, Adam and Marian all give each other broad, worried, conspiratorial looks. No one says anything and Derek says it's not a rhetorical question. Derek tells them that a very expensive necklace was stolen that night and wants to know if any of them know anything about it. Hayley remembers choking Arlene and seeing that Arlene was wearing just such a necklace. Hayley chokes out a guttural sound and covers her face. Everybody stares at her.

After some other scenes and commercials, we return to the Chandler living room where everyone but Mateo is inexplicably ignoring Hayley and staring at Derek while Hayley tries to compose herself and Mateo suggests he gets her out of there (she declines). Adam: "Although it makes me all warm inside knowing that Palmer Cortlandt is out half a million dollars, it doesn't really concern us." None of them saw Arlene on the yacht that night. They were in the midst of a major battle with Arlene then, and if any of them had seen her, they would have noticed -- she's hard to miss! Derek agrees, then asks why Marian told Vanessa she had seen Arlene on the yacht that night. Marian vehemently denies telling Vanessa any such thing! Vanessa is a liar and Marian has no idea what she's talking about.

Hayley leaves the room and Mateo follows. She takes deep breaths, then tells Mateo that she saw Arlene wearing the necklace that night -- that must be how she got the money to get out of the country. She has to tell Derek! Mateo says they have to be sure and she spits out that she IS sure. Hayley bursts back into the room and tells Derek there's more.

Hayley tells Derek that she DID see Arlene on the yacht that night and she WAS wearing the stolen necklace. Adam sputters that Hayley can't say that, she was DRUGGED and hallucinating! Mateo yells at Adam in a manner that clearly says: "It's over, shut up and let her talk!" Derek wants to hear what she has to say. Adam pulls his finger out of his pocket and points to Mateo, saying: "No, no! That's IT! Mateo, take your wife upstairs." MATEO, do as I say!" Mateo tells her to go ahead and speak. Adam orders LIZA to take her out of there. Hayley yells "No, no, NO!" She wants to tell Derek the truth about everything. Derek: "That would be refreshing." Adam puts the kiebosh on it, saying not in HIS house! If Derek wants to question his daughter or anyone else in his house, he'll need a court order! Derek ignores Adam and tells Hayley she can come down to the station now or she can come later when he gets a subpoena -- it's up to her. She stares. Adam completely loses his composure (you can tell because some hair has fallen into his face) and yells NO, until Derek gets a court order, it's up to HIM! He grabs Derek and yanks him around as he says this last part. He orders Derek to get the hell out of his house! Derek grins maniacally at him, then turns back to Hayley, making REALLY weird faces and simultaneous baring and sucking on his teeth [Mommy, that man is SCARING me!] Still with a twisted smile, he tells Hayley he'll be REALLY interested in what she has to say. He turns back to Adam, saying: "And I WILL hear it!" He walks out as everyone stands still as statues. Hayley: "What just happened here? What do you all know that _I_ don't know?" Amazingly, she is NOT whining OR being sarcastic as she says this. Adam shakes his head. She DID see Arlene wearing the necklace and they ALL know how she knows it -- because she was CHOKING her! Adam: "Is that what you were going to tell Det. Frye, that you were choking your mother to death?" Hayley: "No, I wasn't going to tell him that I was choking her to death because she didn't die ... Right?" They all look away. Hayley turns back to Mateo and demands to know what the hell is going on. Mateo hems and haws and finally says she should know the truth.

Hayley DEMANDS the truth, but before Mateo can continue, Adam spins Hayley around and says that the truth is that her mother came on to her husband and she lost control and choked her. That's only because she got there first -- anybody in the room would have GLADLY choked her FOR Hayley. Marian chimes in that it's true. Hayley says there's more to it. Adam keeps trying to control the situation and Liza urges him to stop. Hayley says she choked her mother, and she passed out. Then she got up and went to Amsterdam, right? Adam saw her there, right? Mateo says no, he DIDN'T see her there. He takes her hands and tells her he loves her. Adam tells him that if he loves his wife, DON'T say another word! Hayley stares at Adam, then back at Mateo. Mateo takes a breath to say--[oops, scene change ...]

VALLEY INN LOBBY

Jack asks for the attention of the reporters, and gives a yada, yada, yada speech about teenagers being late and thanking them for their patience. Brooke walks up to him and he says he doesn't know why he does it -- she slaps him in public and he helps her fend off the wolves! He says he's either incredibly loyal or incredible stupid -- "Or in love?" Brooke says. She grins and says he never really got over Erica. She hopes that he can help Bianca, because she's not sure her mother can.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Bianca turns her back on Erica, then reachs up and takes the pins out of her hair, pulling it down around her shoulders in it's usual style. Erica puts her face in her hands, then assumes her hands-on-thighs model pose. Desperate to keep Bianca from telling her what she already knows in her heart, she walks over and tells Bianca that she's right -- she has good instincts -- of course her hair should be down. And if her hair is down, then the earrings don't work, but don't worry, they'll (stylists) make everything perfect -- they'll make everything right. Bianca takes off her heels and turns, stone-faced, back to Erica. Erica looks down and asks her what she thinks she's doing. Bianca: "This isn't ME mom -- it never was." Erica asks what look Bianca is going for and babbles about the stylists being magicians. Bianca interrupts and says NO. Bianca: "I have to tell you something." Erica is about peeing in her pantyhose and starts to edge away, saying she has to go -- she can't keep those people waiting any longer than she has. Bianca forcefully states that she's NOT going. Erica shakes her head and says: "Of COURSE you're going. We're going! We're going together! This is what we wanted, the PERFECT mother and daughter for all the world to see!" Bianca: "I don't want the world to see me, mom. I want you to see me." Erica continues to be the Queen of Denial: "But this is what we wanted!" Bianca says no, it's what ERICA wanted -- she NEVER wanted it. She turns her back on Erica again, then unwraps her dress and takes it off, standing in her black slip. Emotional soap opera music starts playing softly in the background. Erica, still dreading what's to come, asks her if she's lost her mind! Bianca turns back to face her and orders Erica to look at her. Erica doesn't want to look at her, she wants her to go! Bianca: "LOOK AT ME!!! I want you to see WHO I AM, mother. Can you see who I am? Can you? I'm trying to show you." Erica: "Oh, honey, there is something wrong. There is something TERRIBLY wrong with you!" Bianca: "No. No. You just won't look." Erica: "I am looking. I'm looking at my daughter standing half naked in my living room when we have a press conference!" She walks behind Bianca and picks the discarded dress off the floor, frantically shaking it out and seeming to focus on it's very threads in an effort to avoid the inevitable as she babbles: "We have dozens of reporters and magazine editors waiting --" Bianca turns to her, pleading: "Mom, were you listening to David when he tried to tell you who I was? Or Uncle Jack?" Erica looks like a trapped rabbit as he eyes blink rapidly and she starts to breathe faster. She turns back to face Bianca and says: "Bianca, what are you doing? What are you trying to say?" She smiles and tries to turn the dress right-side out [so to speak] Bianca sighs heavily. Bianca: "You know. I -- I'm trying to show you who I am. I want you to see who I am. Please. Please. I'm your daughter. Yours and Daddy's." Erica wobbles her head faintly and stares at her with big eyes [reminding me of E.T.] The soap opera music has grown increasingly louder. Bianca: "And I really believe that he would be proud of me, just like you said. Just not for the reasons that you think. Look at me. I'm exactly who you always knew. I'm still your baby and I still love you." Erica's face breaks as she starts to cry and says pitifully: "I don't know exactly who you are right now, honey. I -- I just know that I have to go. I have people waiting for me. I have responsibilities --" she starts to walk toward the door. Bianca turns and cries: "And you have a DAUGHTER who you won't SEE! Is that what you want, Mom? Is it?" Erica stares at her, her mouth working silently. [The music is so loud at this point that it's harder to hear the actors speak. Now I'm thinking of the "queue the music" scene from "The Truman Show".]

CHANDLER LIVING ROOM

Hayley stares at her father like a little girl. Adam says Arlene practially tried to kill her -- she practically ruined her life -- don't let her win NOW! Hayley: "Win WHAT?" He says her mother was impossibly cruel to her, over and over, no matter how many chances Hayley gave her, try to remember that! Hayley: "Was?" Mateo says her dad's right -- her mother never was a good mother, not once to Hayley. She didn't walk off that boat that night. When Hayley choked her, she didn't wake up. Mateo: "She died, Hayley." Hayley plops down on the couch and tries to absorb it. Hayley: "Oh! I killed my own mother?" She stares accusingly at Adam.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica walks back to Bianca and says she doesn't know why she's doing this to her! Erica: "I mean, I'm hanging on by a THREAD here!" Bianca stands stiffly and says: "This is not about YOU, Mom!" Erica whirls: "The HELL it isn't! Well, I'll tell you this! I will not let my COMPANY down and I will not let my FANS down and I will not let MYSELF down! She starts to crack as she exclaims: "I'll just do what I've always done! I'll just do it alone!" She starts to walk away. Bianca cries to her retreating back: "Have you always loved me, Mom? Have you?" Erica cries: "How could you even ASK me a question like that?" Bianca walks over to her and whispers: "Do you love me now?" Erica: "Bianca!" Bianca: "Do you?" Erica: "YES!" Bianca takes a deep breath, closes her eyes for a moment, then opens them and says: "I'm gay." Once again, the silence is deafening. Erica gives the merest hint of a questioning look and Bianca returns an only slightly less subtle nod to indicate that she truly did just say that and she meant it. Erica stares, speechless.

ON THE NEXT AMC:

Dixie walks into the Martin house as two unfamiliar boys [Max and Petey?] yell "Merry Christmas!" and jump up on her like Dino on Fred Flintstone.

Bianca tells Erica's back: "Turn around. Face me. Face who I am."

Liza leans over and tells Hayley: "If you tell the police, we'll ALL go to jail. Now, is that REALLY what you want?" [Gosh, what a supportive step-mother!]

As candles burn [in the tower?] and Gillian leaps into his arms, Ryan whispers: "Merry Christmas, Princess."

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "Merry Christmas, everyone" Coutellier

2000: BC - Detailed Friday Update, 11/10/00

[And yes, after juggling between at least 3 versions of Friday's episodes, I DID manage to get an uninterruped version of the show! I subscribed to SoapNet just in time for the most ridiculous, embarrassing circus of an election this country has ever seen. I think THIS is the Y2K bug everyone was so worried about!]

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Edmund: "I'm trying to do the right thing." Dimitri: "That sounds like a plan. Why don't you start by staying away from my wife."

Greenlee to Woody: "Leo likes living at Erica's because he feels like he's part of a real family. I can give him that."

Ryan to Gillian: "I got over you. Whole days go by where I don't even think of you."

David to a vial of Libidozone: "Let's see how you handle this, Tad."

A LOFT

A laughing Greenlee ushers a blindfolded Leo into an empty loft. She removes the blindfold and a disappointed Leo wants to know what she's done now -- did she move all the stuff out of Ryan's apartment or have him evicted? Why is it empty? She gleefully tells him it's NOT Ryan's apartment -- it has the exact same layout because it's the one ABOVE Ryan's. She's so excited about it she's practically peeing her panties as she informs him that it's available and it's for THEM to live in! He is incredulous that, of all the places available in PV, she expects him to live in the apartment just above Ryan's!

Leo continues to protest the loft's proximity to Ryan, but Greenlee insists Ryan never even entered her mind in this -- she's completely OVER him. Leo says yes she is. He stomps the floor for emphasis -- she's DIRECTLY over him! She enthuses about them having their own place and seeing each other every day. They'll have their OWN family -- her, Leo and Happy all living together -- isn't that what he wants?

Leo talks about how, as a child, he always wished he and his mother could settle down in some cute litte cottage in the south of France. THIS place, however, is MUCH nicer than some damp little thatch-roofed cottage. She exhales in happiness. Then he says he can't live with her right now. Her face falls and she asks why. He says, for one thing, he can't afford the rent -- any money he makes goes toward paying off her grandfather. She says she'll pay the rent, but he doesn't want that. Besides, Erica just gave him a new job and he needs to stay and help out with Bianca. She says he doesn't have a license to deal with her problems -- how can HE help? He looks askance at her and asks if her thoughts ever get filtered through a buffer. He's not saying it can't happen -- it just can't happen right NOW -- the timing is off. Greenlee pouts: "Because of Bianca?" He agrees -- Bianca is going to need a lot of support for her big talk with Erica and he wants to be there for the fallout. The other reason is that this is HUGE -- how about a little NOTICE? She says they've talked about this (moving in together) before. He agrees, but at the time he thought he had a million dollars! She says she has it covered -- she's already paid the security deposit and first month's rent. Leo: "Without even talking to me about it first!" She says she can handle it and he says he doesn't WANT her to handle it. She wants to know why he's fighting her so much on this! He sweetly says it's because he loves her. [AWWWWW!!!] She gazes at him with her big doe eyes [as I wonder if she has a hyperactive thyroid].

Later, Greenlee and Leo are sitting on a conveniently placed wooden crate in the middle of the loft [what was being stored there, sun- dried tomatoes?] She shyly asks if he really does [love her]. Leo: "You can't TELL?" She says that the last time he said that he was delirious with fever [on the "deserted" island], so it was not exactly a magic moment. He says he says it ALL THE TIME, only not with words. She says she loves him too. Leo: "But?" Greenlee: "That was just so normal. I mean, you said you love me and I said it back, just like two regular people in love." [AWWWWWW!!] He says that they ARE. She asks why he won't move in with her, then. They have EVERYTHING they need right there -- why should they wait? He squints at her with frustration and asks if her parents EVER said no to her, even ONCE, as a child? It's a simple concept, right up there with sharing and not hitting. She gets frustrated herself and tells him to quit stalling! Greenlee: "And don't give me that excuse about wanting to host Bianca's next great coming out party!" He throws up his hands and says he doesn't want to be KEPT! He doesn't want her paying the first and last month's rent and everything in-between. He wants to pay his OWN way for once. Greenlee: "Please! Since when did you have a problem taking handouts from women? You lived off your mother, you're living off erica. Why not me? [in a little voice] At least I care about you." He reiterates his desire not to live off her or her grandfather's money. She tells him to just admit it! The reason is not because of Ryan or Bianca or her grandfather. It's because he just doesn't want to live with her! He looks at her and asks if she was even LISTENING! He just told her he LOVES her! Greenlee gets angry: "You love me, but you don't want to move in with me! Well, guess what? I don't need your love as a consolation prize!" She stomps out and slams the door and he stares at the door.

PINE VALLEY INN

As Adam looks on with approval, Ryan is giving orders to the staff about setting up podiums with the IncredibleDreams.com logo behind it. [I'm wondering what the logo could be -- perhaps it's a picture of Ryan holding giant sacks of money or maybe a more subtle image, such as a donkey's butt] Liza walks in and Adam leaps to her side to accost her with morning pleasantries. She notes his good mood and wonders if he has his divorce from Arlene yet. He says he hasn't seen Arlene yet. Liza says then they have nothing to talk about. [What is this sudden attack of marital morals from Liza? It's not like Adam is stringing her along about divorcing Arlene and it's not like his marriage was ever anything but a fraud or that he and Liza aren't planning to be together ANYWAY] She suspects his motives for being at the PVI and thinks he might be spying on her. He tells her about the fundraiser for pregnant teens and Ryan's request to have Adam be his mentor. He expresses interest in coming back to Chandler Enterprises. She informs him that the board doesn't want him back -- neither does Tad -- and neither does SHE.

In the formal dining room, Leslie Coulson is sipping a glass of water as Tad rushes in for his meeting with her [I notice that there is also a glass of wine on the table that would probably make a horse tipsy]. He thinks they are there to talk about David Hayward, but Leslie informs him that it's more about Tad and Dixie's marriage. He says that's not open for discussion, but she counters that it WILL be if he continues to press the sexual harrassment lawsuit. She asks if it's worth it to have his marriage and past indiscretions brought up in court for everyone to gossip over. He asks what a tarnished soul is going for these days and advises her that, if she's going to crawl in bed with the devil, she should buy some flame-retardant sheets. She wonders if he's jealous. They continue back and forth in a semi-civil manner and David walks into the room from the kitchen entrance, stopping and backing up a little when he sees Tad and Leslie together. As Tad says he's going to enjoy tearing David's reputation (and DAVID) to shreds, David takes out the vial and holds it up for anyone in the room to see if they happened to look. He spins it around like a tiny baton and gives a f**k-you-and-the-horse-you-rode-in-on look to Tad.

Back in the lobby, Liza tells Adam that the board will need to see some hard evidence that Adam would put the company's interests above his own -- why doesn't he be a consultant? Adam exclaims that she's GOT to be joking! She says no. Ryan wanders over and chats up Liza, handing her a very bulky invitation to the ID.com fundraiser next week. [I notice that the ID.com "logo" appears to consist of rainbow-colored, unevenly sized and spaced letters of the Fisher-Price/Toys-R-Us variety -- hmmmm, colorful, but childish, uneven, unfocused and difficult to decipher -- sounds about right] She points out that it's JAKE's program for pregnant teens and Ryan agrees. She says she'll be there. Liza wants to know if the yacht has anything to do with their prior conversation about her romantic past or if Adam's sudden mentoring has anything to do with it, either. Ryan poo-poos it as pure coincidence. Liza doesn't buy it for a second and says she'll be there to give away a check -- and NOTHING else! She stalks away. Adam grouses about Ryan's grand plan to get he and Liza together and Ryan says that he's getting her there and will keep her champagne glass full, but the rest is up to Adam.

As a crowd of reporters come in, Ryan goes over to them and shepherds them to the podium 2 feet away. His voice is amplified over loudspeakers as he goes into his spiel, deafening the vast crowd of 6-7 reporters. Erica Kane sidles around them, temporarily distracting a photographer. She smiles at him and breezes into the dining room to join Bruce the Great at a table. She wants to see the proofs of Bianca and Leo, but says she'll be disappointed. She says it wasn't HIS best day. The pictures are apparently so horrible that she can't bear to look at them for more than about a 1/2 second. She declares that Bianca and Leo are beautiful, and there's no excuse for the photos! He agrees they are pretty, but they are stiff and uncomfortable in front of the camera, especially Bianca. She says it's his fault for yelling at them, resulting in boring, flat shots like those -- he should be ENCOURAGING them to make them sparkle. He says they don't inspire him. She says they shouldn't HAVE to -- he's a MASTER at that kind of thing -- he should try not barking and screaming at them until they are scared to death!

At the Coulsen/Martin table, Leslie tells Tad that he's got it all wrong -- she's on HIS side. As David peers around the corner, she flirts with Tad. Tad says he's wasting his time -- thanks her for the soda (there is now a giant glass of cola in front of Tad) and says he'll get the check. She caresses his hand and tries to wheedle him into staying. He says that's not going to work, and DON'T do it again! She pouts that he's SOOO devoted -- or is that just for show? David chuckles and encourages Leslie from afar to reel Tad in. Liza walks up to him and asks why he's lurking about. He feigns innocence.

After the commercial, David protests that he was HARDLY lurking about -- he was just looking for a table where he wouldn't be distracted. She suggests he tries BJ's [FAC BJs on: Oh yeah, baby, come on over and sit on MY lap! FAC BJs off], although it would harder to spy on Tad from there [FAC BJs on: NO problem, Dr. D -- PVI and I have reciprocal video surveilance agreement -- something will be harder, all right, but it won't be the spying ;-) FAC BJs off] He scoffs that it is a RIDICULOUS notion -- why would he want to do that? He stomps away and Liza whisks herself over to Tad and Leslie's table.

Liza pulls Tad away from the table and tells him to take a day off to reconnect with his wife. He's suspicious of her motives and wants to know if she's been talking to Dixie. She says no, but then relents and says maybe. Then she spills that she stopped Dixie from leaving the house in her coat and teddy and Dixie told her everything. Tad is not pleased, but then says he probably would have told Liza sooner or later ANYWAY. She tells him that Dixie matters to him more than anyone in the world -- do NOT let an idiot like David Hayward ruin it for him!

David looks over his shoulder at them as he hastily sneaks around the room and slips into a chair next to Leslie, lauding her on her progress. He says Liza is probably putting Tad in a bad mood -- Leslie should go check on him. She does and David takes the opportunity to surreptitiously (in a very broad, obviously sneaky manner) to pour the vial of Libidozone into the cola. [I notice that his hand is now unwrapped]

Out in the lobby, Ryan is telling the hordes that a donation of $5k for a table at the IPO launch will help these young mothers keep and fulfill their dreams. Liza and Adam stand together watching. Ryan tells the teeming masses of 6-7 people the first person to buy TEN tables gets exclusive use of a stateroom filled with roses and stocked with champagne. Adam raises his finger and says he'll take ten. The photographer, who apparently has an endless supply of film and an obsession with taking pictures of Ryan, momentarily turns around to snap photos of Adam. Ryan thanks Adam and applauds him, wishing that all his dreams will come true. Liza tells Adam it was smooth [and as obvious as a 2-inch zit on his nose], but it's not going to work [why doesn't Adam just buy the damned yacht and kidnap her the way he usually does?]

Ryan suddenly leans backward and yanks Jake (followed by Gillian) to the podium and introduces him as the founder of the organization (which was just conceived of the day before), asking him to field some questions. Jake looks uncomfortable as a reporter flubs a line and asks if he has any long-torm goals for the program.

Jake finishes telling the story of delivering Leila's baby in an abandoned cabin because she had no insurance and didn't think she could get prenatal care. The subject of Leila naming the baby after Jake comes up and he says he felt honored. Gillian thought it was a beautiful and fitting tribute [I thought Jake's name was Joseph]. Jake had calmed both Leila's and Gillian's fears. A reporter asks if there are any more little Jakes on the horizon for the happy couple. Gillian hems and haws, Jake looks down and gulps in frustration at the lack of cooperation from Mr. Winky, and Ryan interrupts asking for the next question about the EVENT. A reporter points out that the 3 of them are showing up quite often on the press circuit these days -- is it awkward for the 3 of them, considering Gillian used to be Mrs. Lavery? Adam makes a thoughtfully sour face as he observes. Ryan: [you mean because we've both used our tongues to drive her into a state of sexual ecstacy, the likes of which have heretofore never been experienced by a woman, all within the space of one lunar cycle?] "Uh -- no, not at all. Question about the EVENT, please." As Gillian's face crinkles up in an Excedrin moment, a reporter asks if Jake minds his wife's ex-husband helping him out, first rescuing him from Chechnya, then raising money for his organization. Ryan says he doesn't see how these questions are relevant and Jake says he appreciates everything Ryan's done and his generosity in donating his time and effort for a good cause. He asks them to make sure the readers know where to send contributions. The reporters grouse and disperse to a side-room for coffee. Jake walks up to Ryan and angrily says he needs a word with him RIGHT NOW! Ryan stands balls-forward and stares at him.

At Erica and Bruce's table, Bruce tells her that he's seen models that HATE each other throw off more heat than Leo and Bianca. So her daughter and her friend are not the next "it" couple -- hire someone else! Erica insists that Leo and Bianca ARE Enchantment's young couple -- if Bruce can't take ONE decent photo of them, then she has no choice but to hire someone else to take the photos. Bruce states that the photos don't work and HE's not the reason. He snaps his portfolio shut, gets up and stalks away. Erica looks uncomfortable.

Tad walks back to his table and asks Leslie and David what's going on. Leslie says David just joined her to discuss some business. David stands up and apologizes to Tad for moving his glass because it was in his way. Tad tells him it [David's charm] isn't going to work -- they're still going to file a sexual harassment lawsuit against him. David says he's sorry to hear that and walks away. Tad glares at his retreating figure and sits down. Leslie asks about his conversation with Liza and Tad says he hasn't changed his mind. She says she's sorry to hear that and suggests that they drink to "no hard feelings" [heh, heh]. David watches them and hears the voice of the Phil the Urologist saying: "The researchers in the Swedish lab have named it Libidozone after the libido. We're essentially unleashing the id with unpredictable results. Remember, this is uninhibited behavior demanding IMMEDIATE gratification." David chuckles as Tad and Leslie clink glases: "That's right, Tad. Bottoms up!" David is startled out of his anticipatory glee by the sight of Dixie walking into the room [for some reason, everyone is entering the room via the side door instead of the usual entrance]. Dixie is equally startled (despite KNOWING that he LIVES there and ALWAYS eats there) to see him as he jumps up and yells at her to wait, grabbing her arm and yanking her to a stop, causing her breasts to bounce so hard she nearly gets a black eye [there's grounds for a lawsuit right THERE].

Dixie yanks away from him, asking what his problem is and telling him to let go of her. He says he's sorry, he just wants to let her know that he's not going to interfere in her life anymore. Dixie: "What do you think you are doing RIGHT NOW?" This happens about 4 feet from Tad's table and, before he takes a sip of his tainted cola, Tad jumps up and shoves David telling him to let her go -- he's only going to say this ONCE -- what the hell is his problem? David yells that he was only apologizing to her! Tad: "By grabbing her? All right, that's it! This time we got witnesses! Dixie doesn't want them to make a scene, she just came there to talk to Tad. Tad agrees and they flee the room. David puts his head in his hands and plops into Tad's vacated chair. Leslie chides him that he's NOT helping his case! David tells her to just not let down on Tad [I'd say he flubbed the line and should have said let UP on Tad, but the transcript ALSO says down]. Leslie says she'll do what she can. She gets up and leaves. David picks up the cola and stands, but before he can leave, Erica rushes over to him and sits down, says he HAS to talk to him -- she's at her wit's end! He looks frustrated and undecided as he stares at the all-important glass-o-lust and huffs out a sigh.

In the lobby [because the car or home just isn't private enough], Tad and Dixie are sitting down and Tad says if this is about dropping the lawsuit, he just can't deal with it right now, ESPECIALLY after what happened. Naturally, Dixie insists on talking about it. What if she CAN'T go through with it? He doesn't understand -- why COULDN'T she go through with it. She says because she is partly responsible for what happened. She's accepted that and he has to do the same. She thinks the answer is just for them to be back together again. Tad: "There are some people that have problems dealing with responsibility for what happens in their lives. I'm not one of them. Sometimes hellish things happen to people and they have a right to be mad about it!" She says she doesn't blame him, even if the person he's mad at is HER. Tad jumps up, looks around the crowded lobby and says: "I can't do this now!" Dixie (also jumping up): "We have to talk about this --" Tad grits his teeth: "Not now!" Dixie: "Go somewhere --" Tad: "Not now! Please! I've got to go to work. I'll see you at home." Dixie: "Ok." Tad stalks away and she looks down at the floor before clomping into the dining room.

Ryan, Gillian and Jake walk into the lobby again [when did they leave?] and Jake tells Ryan that if he likes the limelight, that's fine, but he came there to eat lunch, NOT to be put on the spot and ambushed by reporters! Ryan, his hair looking like he toweled it off with eggwhites and left it that way, says he thought the publicity would be great for the organization. Jake says that Ryan organized it at Jake's expense to make HIMSELF look good. The fundraiser was RYAN'S idea -- Jake never asked Ryan for a DIME, so the next time Ryan is looking for public adoration, find another cause and leave him out of it! Jakes beeper/cell phone rings and he has to go back to the E.R. [doesn't he ALWAYS have to do that whenver they go to the PVI? Maybe they should consider eating at BJs] He and Gillian awkwardly kiss goodbye. Ryan apologizes to her, saying he didn't know they would be there. She apologizes for Jake's attitude, saying he's been under a lot of stress lately. She's sure Jake didn't mean it. Ryan is sure that he DID mean it. She is overly solicitous to Ryan as she blathers about the good cause. They stare. Greenlee walks up behind Gillian and grins like a Cheshire cat, saying: "Hmmmm. What have we here? A tender moment between Pine Valley's heroic adulterers? How do you do it? I can't get one man, and you've got two dangling [well, ONE of them is dangling]. And people call ME a predator!" She gives a Marcia Brady twirl and exits to the dining room. Gillian stares and Ryan glowers. Gillian turns to face Ryan.

PINE VALLEY HOSPITAL

Edmund asks what's next, a restraining order to keep him away from Alex? Is he going to have Edmund arrested if he comes within 50 feet of Alex? Dimitri holds up his hands and magnanimously says he doesn't want it to come to that. Edmund says he can keep doing his job and being a father and living in the same town, but he CAN'T just forget his feelings for Alex. Dimitri says he knows that, but Edmund says that's why he has to leave Pine Valley. Alex walks in and says: "No, you KON'T!" Alex says he kon't teach his children to run away. He says he doesn't want to teach them that their father is MISERABLE. She says that she and Dimitri will stay in the hunting lodge, but he says that's not far enough -- he HAS to put more distance between them. She says he kon't uproot his children like that and take them away from their family ... and MARIA'S family. He says there are planes and phones -- they'll keep in touch. She says it will be a HUGE emotional setback for him if he left [but he'll be just peachy-keen if he stays?] He says he has to leave anyway -- he sold Wildwind to Dimitri. She assures him that Dimitri would never kick him out, but Edmund insists he can't stay there. She suggests across town, then, but he kon't leave. Edmund rushes out and Alex starts to follow, but Dimitri stops her.

She says Edmund is so impulsive and they have to stop him! Dimitri says he has to work things out on his own. She disagrees and says he already feels abandoned -- he has to handle his emotions there, with THEM. Dimitri: "With YOU!" She says yes, she can help him. Dimitri says that she IS the problem -- if she keeps comforting him, Edmund well either become dependent or obsessed and either way it's torment and it's DANGEROUS! She says no. He pretty much ORDERS her to let go of Edmund, but she says she's not going to give up on him.

Dimitri asks if she's already let Edmund go or is there something she's trying to tell him (Dimitri)? She's shocked and runs into his arms, proclaiming her love for him. Alex: "I love you! I love you. I thank God every day you came back to me. But your brother is in trouble. He is so conflicted. He loves you, but I am the reason that he's in pain. I gave him love, and I took it away!" Dimitri: " Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" She says Edmund told her things in confidence that she's not at liberty to divulge -- he just has to trust her and believe that she CAN help Edmund. He says she's been sneaking around behind his back and keeping things from him and EDMUND is the one who is making her do it. Alex is perplexed. He says he saw the two of them with each other earlier -- he's not mad, he's CONCERNED! He wants her to back off before it gets more complicated. She reiterates Edmund's state of trouble and pain and says she made a promise to him to help and she intends to KEEP that promise. He says she's making a HUGE mistake. Her face contorting with painful memories, she says that Edmund helped her through the worst period of her life and she's going to return that favor. She knows Dimitri doesn't understand, but hopes that someday he will. She walks away and Dimitri makes a face wherein his lower lip covers the upper one to form a grim, yet comical line. He sighs.

THE WILDWIND MAUSOLEUM

The scene opens with a full shot of Maria's death-plaque, which reads: "MARIA SANTOS GREY -- NOVEMBER 27, 1967 -- AUGUST 12, 1997". The camera pans around the room and a tormented Edmund walks in, dejectedly walks over to the plaque and caresses it. He leans his head against what has got to be a FREEZING cold mixture of metal and stone. Edmund: "I tried so hard, Maria. I thought that if I could survive losing you, I could survive anything. But I was fooling myself, pretending like I could just carry on like a normal person. I actually thought that I could be in love again, I made a real mess of things." He gives the plaque a chuck and a slap, then shuffles over to the coffin in the middle of the room, squatting down next to it. "And now the only way that I can fix it is to -- to take the kids and leave here." His voice breaks and he starts to cry as he says: "And I'm sorry because I know that you wanted the kids to grow up here and fill the house with memories. [my guess is that they'll forever-more have nightmares of living in a dreary, gothic castle, replete with a mausoleum, child-eating mineshafts and wells, the ghosts of angry old men and an uncle who keeps dying, then popping up again like a Jack-in-the-Box -- and let's not forget those tense and eventful family dinners (well, okay, we ALL have THOSE); they'll be in therapy for years to come] Maybe someday I could -- I could come back, but I have to go now. I miss you so much. Maria, I would do anything to be with you again!" Suddenly Edmund hears Alf, his voice substantially distorted and garbled [aggravating my already pounding headache], asking him if that's what he wants -- to join his dead wife in the grave? He tells him the usual 'stay and fight for what's your's you worthless, weak, wussy, candy-assed little crybaby PUNK!' [or words to that effect].

Edmund jumps up in a panic, skirting around the coffin as Alf says "Once a stable boy, ALWAYS a stable boy! (Yadda, yadda, yadda)" [I consider FFing and putting a cold cloth on my pounding forehead] Edmund covers his ears and runs over to Maria's plaque like, well, a wussy, candy-assed little crybaby. He yells at Alf to go away. Dimitri walks up to the mausoleum and stops, watching Edmund through the door as he yells at Alf some more to shut up and get out of his head. As Alf yells that even a mangy dog defends his turf, Edmund looks like his head is going to explode as he gives in to all-out wailing and pitifully begs Alf to get out of his head. Dimitri tilts his head back slightly and, with that grim line of a mouth, looks thoughtful as he stares.

PINE VALLEY INN

Back at the busiest table in the restaurant, David continues to hold the glass of cola like it contains nitroglycerin as Erica goes on and on and on and on about the Enchantment campaign. David keeps nodding and tries not to spill the cola. He looks around impatiently as Erica takes some pills out of her purse and keeps nattering on about the photo shoot and Leo and Bianca's lack of chemistry. He sympathizes and says it's a great opportunity for the two of them. She wants to show him the photos because she thinks Bruce is right about them. She also looks impatiently around, anxious to get a glass of water. David tells her to calm down. She agrees that she's really, REALLY stressed out and she has a splitting headache [that makes 2 of us]. She leans toward him and asks if her pupils are dilated -- she hopes she doesn't have a migraine. He sets the glass down and takes her hand, telling her her pupils look fine. They look a little turned on (but just a little) and he asks to drive her home. She says in a minute. It's no wonder she has a splitting headache -- Bruce actually implied that her daughter has NO sex appeal -- can you imagine? Not that she wants Bianca to dress like a sex kitten or anything that like. David looks worried and bored as he keeps peering behind his chair. She yells more urgently for a waiter, complains about the lack of service, then grabs his soda and pops her pills [I thought she NEVER took any pain relievers, not even aspirin -- wasn't she talking about being in "the program" just yesterday?] David watches in stunned disbelief as she continues to gulp the glass-o-uninhibited-id. She finally takes a breath and fervently says she hopes they take effect right away. She drinks even more and he stares at her, trying to decide what to do next. [My guess is that he'll drive her home and try to accommodate her ;-)]

On the next AMC:

Leo to Laura: "You think you know me?" Laura: "I think you can't stand I caught you with your pants down."

Arlene to Stuart (at the gallery): "I need your help. I have no place else to go!"

Erica in a voice-over as the camera shows 4 shots of her: 1) Shimmying at a piano, 2) being dipped by Jack as David watches, 3) ripping off David's shirt as she pulls him backward, 4) snuggling up to Jack (maybe on his lap): "I feel drunk on passion for love!"

Dimitri, walking into the mausoleum: "Edmund, what's going on?"

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "Oh David, let's play doctor so you can treat MY headache" Coutellier

2000: BC - Thu, 9/14/00

This comment actually applies to Wednesday's show -- why did David say: "We're losing him"? That may have been the case, but David KNOWS that people CAN often hear what's going on, even if they aren't obviously responding. If you are in a state of "checking out", but can still hear voices (but don't know what your status really is at that point), is THAT something you want to hear? Would that be enough to make you fight to come back, or enough to make you give it up because that would be SOOOO much easier?

I just realized that plot aspects aside, one of the reasons to put Stuart in the attic was so that he would have the same stubbly, unshaven face as Adam.

Why is Greenlee hanging out in the laundry room NAKED? I understand about not wanting to sleep in her clothes, but, at minimum, underwear might have been more appropriate -- what was she planning to do, take a bath in the washing machine? Ah, we later find out that she was washing and drying her "ensemble", which turned out to be bad maintenance choice :-)

Wow, THAT was a double-whammy for Erica! She sees Stuart is alive, runs to tell David (she can't see that David is in the room with Adam and Stuart) and runs into Dimitri instead! If something like that had happened to ME, I SERIOUSLY be afraid I was losing what few marbles I had left! I might even faint, too!

Marian's nipples are STILL erect -- I'm telling you, this HAS to be on purpose! They've been that way for at least a WEEK!

LOVED Bianca's all-too-true line to Greenlee: "You get naked at the drop of a hat, don't you?" I don't think Bianca has a crush on Leo. She really does seem to view him as a brotherly friend. This may change later, but for now it seems genuinely platonic. She has plenty of reason to dislike Greenlee without jealousy being the reason.

Wow, they finally did it! They managed to dress Erica in an outfit that accentuates her extreme thinness AND makes her look hippy at the same time!

Doesn't David have ANY other moves in between looking at a woman and grabbing her face and violently kissing her? This was after Erica told him he could never measure up to Dimitri in ANY way -- he never even came CLOSE to it (i.e, "you are a total loser in bed and I never ONCE achieved the heights with you that I did with Dimitri" (true -- David did NOT drop her from a scaffolding)). Now, correct me if I'm wrong, ladies, but if a man makes you come 19 times in one session (to match the number of dozens of roses you received and your 19 Emmy nominations which FINALLY culminate in an Emmy win), wouldn't that pretty much put him at the top of the lover list in terms of prowess? I address this to the ladies because any men out there who have had 19 orgasms in one session are probably dead or, at the very least, MUCH too busy (not to mention TIRED) to be reading RATSA.

MAN, that desk in David's office gets more action than a subway turnstile!

Robin "Security is probably selling tapes of Dr. David's office on the internet" Coutellier

2000: BC - Wed, 9/13/00

Why was DAVID operating on Adam? He gave Adam a FATAL dose of medicine so that he could then "save" him -- then Adam's wife pulled a sting on him to make him confess by trying to make him give a phony lethal dose of something to Stuart, who was pretending to be Adam (which then inadvertently led to Stuart and Marian in bed, elbow orgasms and toe-singing, but that's a separate issue :-). Then he tortured Adam for MONTHS with his knowledge of Colby's paternity. Doesn't ANYONE see a conflict of interest here? And what's with the instant heart infection? He was hit by falling debris, not falling staphylococcal bacteria.

And what kind of ICU has patients in a private room with a closed door? Most hospital room doors would normally be open, in any case. An ICU patient would be in view 24/7 in a large high-tech room with several nurses on duty.

Why is BROOKE there? Adam is her EX-husband of whom she is not particularly fond -- what part of EX doesn't she understand? This brings me to something I've been wanting to say for a long time. Every time I see Brooke butt into something like that I have this mental vision of her wagging her butt so that it sort of ends up wagging her whole body, kind of like an eager dog that's trying to work its way into the middle of a situation or maybe a piglet trying to find an available spigot. Am I the only one who has this mental perception of Brooke?

Wow, Jess McCartney was GREAT today begging Adam not to die and blaming himself for it -- even *I* teared up!

For such a small group of people outside Adam's room, there are quite a few tangled webs involved:

• Brooke is Adam's ex-wife
• Dixie is Adam's ex-wife
• Liza is Adam's ex-wife
• Arlene is Adam's soon-to-be ex-wife
• Tad is married to Dixie
• Tad WAS married to Brooke
• Tad cheated on Brooke with Dixie
• Tad cheated on Dixie with Liza
• Adam cheated on Brooke with Dixie
• Dixie and Liza both have a child fathered by Adam
• Brooke has a child fathered by Tad
• Eliot and Brooke have been romantically involved, if only briefly
• Eliot was the hit&run driver that killed Brooke's 1st daughter
• Arlene was the hit&run driver that almost killed Adam's brother, Stuart
• David has been fantasizing about Dixie (well, okay, most men in PV have probably done THAT)
• David has recently bestowed a passionate kiss upon Dixie
• David nearly killed Adam
• David hounded Adam about Colby's paternity
• David has performed heart surgery on Dixie
• David delivered Colby
• Didn't David treat Liza for a temporary heart condition?

The mind boggles!

Man Vanessa is one COLD BITCH! She DEFINES "vulture"! GREAT scene with Adam and Stuart reuniting! This was quite a tear-jerking episode today, wasn't it?

Robin "sniffle" Coutellier

2000: BC - Mon, 9/11/00

At the little get-together celebrating Dimitri's return, Eugenia says Gillian is absolutely ECSTATIC about Dimitri's return. Did I miss something? Gillian doesn't even KNOW he's back!

Speaking of the little shindig in the living room, WHY are they having it there? It's EDMUND'S house, not Dimitri's or Alex's. So not only do they break Edmund's heart, they rub it in by having a party in HIS living room! Everyone was pretty stilted, though.

There's a bathroom in Adam's attic (well there are bathroom pipes, anyway)? Well, that settles THAT particular question. The next question: Is there any toilet paper?

Stuart seems to be more Adam-like lately -- not in attitude, but more like David Canary is slipping out of character or maybe giving Stuart a slight edge.

Why did Liza tell Arlene about Marian seeing a psychic? Why are they telling each other all these things? I don't care HOW drunk Arlene was -- this was one WEIRD conversation!

Aren't construction sites usually fenced in? Anyone at all can just walk into the Col-Mar site. Talk about safety violations!

Stuart says that Adam has always believed in him. Oh yeah? Then why did he lock you away in the west wing for all that time?

Gee, Brooke is doing her level best to keep digging at Edmund to make him break down, isn't she. GIVE IT A REST!

Olivia Birkelund (Arlene) has always been very thin on the show, but she seems to be even thinner lately. It DOES make her look more like Hayley, but that's not necessarily a GOOD thing.

I see AMC is putting the Scaffold o' Death to use again :-)

Robin "my brother will come aroun--GACK!!!" Coutellier