2001: Detailed Friday Update, 1/26/01

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Rain to Bianca: "If you're up for some mindless fun, I'm your girl!" Bianca: "Let's go!"

Greenlee: "This is Leo du Pres's personal assistant. I'm calling to confirm a reservation."

Tad: "Sleeping with you is the worst mistake I ever made!"

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica is on the phone, being informed by a teacher that Bianca never showed up at school that day. She's furious because it's almost dinnertime and she's just now finding this out. She slams the phone down and tells Jack that Bianca is missing and never went to school that day.

Later, Erica is on the phone trying to locate Bianca. Erica is inexplicably wearing a sleeveless top in the dead of winter. Jack wanders in asking if she's made any progress. He doesn't think Bianca has run away, since her room seems to be in its usual state of controlled chaos. However, Coral indicated to him that she didn't think Bianca slept in her bed last night. Erica starts to flip out, but he calms her down. Then he asks about the psychologist and she tells him that she had to fire her. He's disappointed. She rages at him, asking why everyone is ganging up on her, when she's afraid she's losing her daughter forever!

PINE VALLEY MALL

Rain and Bianca are standing in front of a sign about a two-for-one body- piercing sale, and Rain is trying to convince Bianca to get her nose pierced. Bianca says her mother would have puppies! Rain says she's grounded for the rest of her life, ANYWAY, so she might as well go out with a bang.

Leo walks up to Laura and takes out a 100% calfskin leather coat -- very Tribeca! It's a gift for Laura for their date in New York. She's VERY impressed and kisses him. They don't realize that Greenlee is standing behind a post watching them, crestfallen.

Bianca asks if Rain minds sharing her money with her. Rain matter-of- factly tells her not to worry about it -- what's Rain's is hers. Then Rain asks if Bianca is still thinking of getting a nose-ring like hers. Bianca jokes that now it's a RING instead of a stud [I can see that -- studs won't do her much good, anyway :-)]? Rain says she has the perfect face for it. They spy Leo and Laura and walk over to talk with them. Leo asks them to tell Laura how great she looks in her new coat. They comply, then Rain asks how much it cost. Leo says he bought the coat for their hot date in New York, which includes a limousine. Naturally, Greenlee overhears this, despite being 20 feet away, people walking around and the loud mall-music being piped in. He asks if they know the best places to eat and be seen [isn't that HIS job?] Laura asks if he's always been this shallow and he says he needs their help because she's spent way too much time behind the Great Wall of China and is in need of a total groove adjustment. She socks him in the arm as Greenlee intently listens. Bianca says they have a bigger problem, pointing to Greenlee. He says there's only one way to get rid of a mole -- smoke it out. He steps over to Laura and starts making out with her. Greenlee is crushed.

Greenlee walks over to another post. Leo and Laura break suction and he asks if she's ready to go now, calling her Chairman Mao. She tells him he's going to New York alone if he ever kisses her like that again without asking or calls her Chairman Mao again. They say goodbye to Bianca and Rain and start to walk away. Greenlee is still behind a post, but Leo says hi and asks how it's hanging over there behind the pole. Greenlee huffs nonchalantly and asks if he has a limo waiting. He says they do and asks if Laura want to add anything. She says it would take all night. Greenlee glares at them. They leave and Greenlee stomps over to Rain and Bianca, asking why they told Leo she was there. Bianca pretends to be surprised and asks if it was a secret. Greenlee: "Don't think I don't know what the two of you are doing here, trolling the mall for spare change and dates!" Rain: "Trust me, Trust Fund, if we wanted dates, we'd have them." Greenlee: "Oh. Oh, is that right? Are you two a gay item now?" Rain: "Bianca, can I kill her?" Bianca pulls her away and says she thinks she'll get that nose ring after all (loudly emphasizing the words NOSE RING). Rain suggests that they get matching silver hoops. Greenlee calls them losers, then clomps away.

HAYLEY AND MATEO'S ROOM AT ADAM'S HOUSE

Mateo is sprawled out on the bed asleep, looking like he's posing for a Playgirl spread. The camera pans to the drinks on the nightstand with the sleeping pills next to them. He momentarily wakes, calls for Hayley, then turns over and goes back to sleep.

THE PIT

Hayley is tarted up as Arlene and writing a note on stationery with the name Arlene Chandler at the top [when did Arlene stop long enough to take her stationery with her?] The note says: "Things were never great. I know I wasn't the perfect mom, but I didn't think I could raise such a bad kid! Hayley turned on me, and there's only one way to make up for that."

She's interrupted by Bud, who comes up and asks if she's missed him. She chuckles seductively and says "Buckets, Buuud"; they embrace and she passionately kisses him -- he runs his hands all over her and she laps it up. She asks him to dance with her. As she starts to the dance floor, he pulls be back against him and says he wants a SLOOOW dance. She says he'll get his wish, but she's going to make him wait for her. He runs his hands over her thighs and says he doesn't WANT to wait. Haylene: "But I'm worth it -- can't you tell?" She's coyly smiling and lolling back against him. He wants to go somewhere for a PRIVATE dance. She says she's good for it, but she has a letter to deliver. He urges her to wait until tomorrow, since it's icy outside. She says she has sinners to unmask and a yacht to haunt and laughs over the name of the yacht -- The Fidelity. He tells her to stay there and stop talking crazy. She says she's crazy like a FOX, kisses him, asks him to keep her seat warm, and strolls out, laughing evilly.

HAYLEY AND MATEO'S ROOM AT ADAM'S HOUSE

Mateo slowly comes to as Adam pounds on the door. Adam is yelling for Hayley. Mateo grumbles at him as he opens the door. Adam, Liza and Marian spill into the room and Adam demands to know where Hayley is. Mateo doesn't know and Adam berates him for it. Mateo says he went to sleep and now his head hurts. Adam asks if Mateo got a letter like the pink one he holds up. Mateo holds his head and says he doesn't know. Liza notices that there's water running in the bathroom. Hayley emerges from the bathroom, brushing her teeth. She's dressing in a black, low-cut, skin-tight top and matching pants. Kelly Ripa's pregnancy has noticeably manifested itself in the form of jiggling breasts and actual cleavage instead of the usual concave hollows. When she turns sideways, the somewhat bulging belly is apparent. She asks what's going on and Adam shows her the note, saying they all got one -- did they? The note says Arlene wants them to go to the yacht tonight. Hayley mildly freaks and asks what Arlene WANTS from them! Adam says she wants them to confess that they tried to kill her.

Hayley freaks some more and Mateo escorts her to a chair, telling her to calm down. They rehash their predicament and Hayley wails some more about what Arlene wants from them. Marian suggests they go to the police. Adam says she just wants them to be miserable, not to mention a lot of cash. They all decide they are going to the yacht. Hayley walks over to the door and picks up a pink letter that no one had noticed prior to that. The note reads: "To my darling, destructive daughter and her over- protective hubby: Come to the Fidelity tonight at 8:00 P.M. And confess. Confess your crimes!" Hayley sighs heavily and clings to Mateo as he hugs her.

TAD & DIXIE'S HOUSE

Tad shows up while Dixie is ironing and folding laundry. Tad had remembered that tonight they were supposed to go to Mount Oak (what happened to Mount Evangeline?) on a skiing trip. Dixie is VERY nervous and awkward. She says she's glad that he still wants to do things together for the kids. Her face falls when he says he wants to take the boys alone. She quickly recovers and goes to pack Junior's things.

Dixie comes back and is nervously rambling on about Junior needing ski pants because she doesn't want him skiing in his jeans. Tad assures her that they were going to stop at the mall, anyway, to buy extra-thick socks. Dixie asks what they are doing, dividing their time between the kids and packing for a trip they had planned together. He says she asked him to leave. She mournfully says that it was a BIG mistake.

Tad says he's made mistakes, too, principal of which is letting David Hayward get anywhere NEAR them. Dixie closes her eyes in shame. Tad: "I saw him coming a mile away. I knew he was going after you, and I knew what he wanted, and I didn't do enough about it. I keep thinking if I had tried just a little harder, somehow I might have been able to prevent this. Now we're never going to know. And I'm always going to regret that. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough for us." Dixie: "And I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you." They sadly look at each other.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Although it seems impossible, Susan Lucci appears to have lost even MORE weight -- either that or her cheeks have been liposuctioned and over-rouged, because they are looking downright SHARP. Erica still can't locate Bianca and wonders if she went to New York again. She can't reach Leo on his cell phone, either. She apologizes to Jack for getting on his case earlier and says she's doing the best she can. Jack: "I know that. I do. I'm just afraid you're so anxious to get the answer here that maybe you're not hearing the question your daughter's asking you." He says maybe Bianca is asking for her help [gee, ya think?] Erica says Bianca is angry at her ALL THE TIME and she's going around making these great big proclamations about herself when she's too young to know it is true. And she's MISSING! Jack points out that she could walk through the door at any moment, and when she DOES, Erica should do everything she possibly can to KEEP her there. The doorbell rings and Erica rushes to answer it, starting to say Bianca's name [what, Bianca doesn't have a key to a door that's always unlocked anyway?] It's Greenlee. When Erica sees her, she holds up her hand and shrilly tells her she doesn't want any. She starts to slam the door, but Greenlee says she has news. Erica says she doesn't WANT her news, she doesn't have TIME for her news, LEO doesn't want her news-- Greenlee says it's about Bianca and Erica's hands fly to her face with fear. Erica: "Oh, please! She's all right, isn't she? Please let her be all right!" Greenlee: "Yeah, yeah, she's peachy. She's at the mall." Erica: "The mall?" Greenlee: "Yeah, she and her weather friend -- you know, snow, sleet --" Erica: "Rain?" Greenlee: "Yes. How do you feel about body piercing?" Erica and Jack practically shove Greenlee out of the way as they run out carrying their coats, but not bothering to put them on, despite Erica's aforementioned sleeveless top. Greenlee shivers (her jacket isn't zipped) and smiles, saying they'll thank her later.

TAD AND DIXIE'S HOUSE

Dixie gulps and says maybe they need some time and a little help. Junior comes in and is happy to see them both standing there. He's THRILLED that they are going on the trip that he assumed had been canceled. Dixie warns him against broken legs. He catches on that she's not going and loses all his enthusiasm. He glumly says maybe he should stay home with Dixie, and Tad and Jamie can go alone. Dixie pleads with him to go and says she'll have a great time pampering herself. He thinks it would just be really weird for her not to be there. She thanks him for worrying about her, hugs him and tells him not to worry so much. She reminds him that Tad is going to be making a mall run, and Junior goes to get whatever he wants to bring.

Dixie and Tad awkwardly discuss room numbers and telephone calls and he says he wants to take the 4x4. More foreshadowing about icy roads. She thanks him for doing it for the kids and says it really means a lot. Tad has already packed Junior's gear in the car and he explains that they really have to get going to make good time. Dixie watches with barely concealed pain. Junior and Dixie bid a fond farewell and Tad quietly tells her to try not to worry about "us".

Dixie goes back to her laundry, but is interrupted by a knock at the door. Amazingly enough, it is NOT David Hayward. Rather, it is Palmer and Vanessa, there to stir up shit and tell her things for her own good. Dixie says Tad and the boys just left to go skiing. Vanessa: "Are you sure--" Palmer cuts her off by sharply saying her name. Dixie says she's sure and asks if everything is okay. Vanessa starts to say something, but Palmer steamrolls on about snow and being great for skiing. He asks how things are going. Dixie thinks quietly for a few moments and says they need a lot of work, but she thinks Tad wants to come back to her, like she wants him to come back. Vanessa: "Oh HONESTLY, you poor deluded girl (gasp)--" Palmer cuts her off again and Dixie demands to know what Vanessa means by "deluded". By would she be deluded for wanting Tad to come back? Vanessa is chomping at the bit to tell her, but a look from Palmer just makes her gasp and toss her head in frustration. They have an entire non-verbal conversation (consisting of things like "sit!", "Stay!" "Heel!" "Shut up!").

Palmer begs Vanessa not to speak, but Vanessa says Dixie should not hear it from someone out on the street -- it should come from them. She tells Dixie that she and Palmer overheard Tad at the Valley Inn in what sounded like a lover's quarrel with that squirrel, Leslie Coulsen [in insult to squirrels everywhere!] -- the woman was half-undressed in the HALLWAY! Dixie looks nonplussed. Palmer and Vanessa continue to tersely bicker about breaking the news. She relates that Tad was saying "I'm sorry I ever slept with you in the FIRST place!" Dixie makes a grim face and turns, getting an ever increasing look of dread on her face. With her back to them, she asks if this was a few months ago after everyone got sick after the yacht party. Vanessa says it was just a short while ago. Dixie is crushed, then disillusioned and angry, but still facing away and keeping control for the moment. She asks if Tad came to her just now, right away after seeing HER? Palmer says he's never been a fan of Tad, but he certainly never wanted this to happen. Is there anything they can do? Maybe they misunderstood. Dixie finally turns back to them. She firmly and resolutely says she's SURE they didn't misunderstand. She thanks them for stopping by and asks them to leave so she can be alone. She's ever the thoughtful hostess and she thanks them again and again, like a cabin attendant at the end of a flight, as she holds the door open to usher them out.

She calmly walks back to fold her laundry some more, then stops, puts her head in her hands for a moment, then throws the laundry basket across the room [I can tell you from experience that that is NOT a satisfactory throw -- this kind of anger really requires actual breakage, and plastic and cloth just don't cut it]. She paces, pulling at her hair, rubbing her face, then sitting on the couch to stare mournfully at their wedding photo. She makes a decision, grabs her keys and runs out without so much as a sweater. At least HER thin top has sleeves.

HAYLEY AND MATEO'S ROOM AT ADAM'S HOUSE

Mateo shakes the pink letter as he comforts Hayley and says that the woman is CRAZY. Adam says he's taking care of her once and for all, TONIGHT! Hayley says they should go and confront her together like she wants. Sounding like a citizen of the "Gulch" town in Blazing Saddles, Liza says Hayley is right, they should all go together as a family, since Arlene is trying to ruin the ENTIRE family; they have to show an united front. Howard Johnson--er--Adam says Liza is right. In an unusual display of intelligence, Mateo asks if it's a trap. Adam says she can't trap ALL of them. [Oh no? Ever heard of fire on a boat? An explosion, maybe? Sea serpents? Greenlee?] Hayley, also showing unusual intelligence, actually puts her leather jacket on before they leave.

PINE VALLEY MALL

Erica rushes through the mall looking for Bianca. She HAS put on a coat, though. Bianca and Rain bounce back into the food court in front of them and Rain jokes about the small ring that now adorns Bianca's face like a semi-precious booger. Erica sighs her name in relief and rushes over. Bianca does NOT look pleased and asks what she's doing there. Erica notices the nose-ring and, horrified demands to know what she's done to her BEAUTIFUL FACE! Bianca stutters. Rain: "Hey, what about mine?" Erica says she MUTILATED her daughter! Jack chimes in that he doesn't want to be a hypocrite with his tattoos, but he wasn't 16 at the time and there's a little thing called Parental Consent which the store should know about! Bianca laughs tells them it's okay and she pulls the clip-on nose-ring off. She says she didn't do anything, so there's no reason to get freaked out. Erica begs to differ, since she stayed out all night and cut school with this, this MALL RAT! Bianca says they've just been hanging out. Erica says she knows Rain sleeps on the street -- did Bianca do that? Bianca says no, she just couldn't deal with school today and wanted to spend some time alone. Erica points out that she WASN'T alone, she was with this-- Erica turns to Rain and says: "And YOU! You are OUT of my daughter's life -- for GOOD -- effective yesterday! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? You are never to come near my daughter again!" Erica hauls Bianca (who is wearing her "GAAA!!" face, away. Rain cheerily says: "Later, Bianca!" Jack turns to her and tells her that, considering what just happened, he thinks the possibility of "later" is pretty slim. She puts on her "Damn!" face and turns away as he leaves. [I wonder how her green jacket stays so pristinely clean and pressed]

BACK AT ERICA'S HOUSE

Bianca slams Erica for being so mean to Rain. Erica says Rain encourages Bianca to do irresponsible and dangerous things! Bianca puts on her "GAA!!" face again, makes that thwucking sound with her tongue and teeth and turns to Jack for assistance. He holds up his hand and says he doesn't think she should stay out all night or stay out of school all day to shop for a nose-ring! Bianca spits back that RAIN gets along just FINE! Erica says she doesn't CARE about Rain. Bianca: "I KNOW!" Erica says Jack had to file a missing person's report and he says he now has to cancel it -- she stayed out all night and they love her too much to be casual about this! Bianca: "All right, all right! But I'm not six years old -- I can take care of myself!" Erica: "Oh really? Panhandling? Sleeping in the streets? Telling anyone who'll listen that your a sixteen-year-old lesbian?" Bianca: "A-HA! THAT'S what this is about, isn't it!" Erica insists it is not and that, to quote Bianca, she is "SO GROUNDED" that it's not even funny. Bianca nastily says "Surprise, surprise!" and runs to her room in a huff. Jack rubs the bridge of his nose and Erica paces in frustration. She's rails on about how Bianca is acting. Jack tells her she just has to be patient. Erica: "WHAT? She's becoming a MONSTER!" [Welcome to hell, Erica] Jack says that every parent, God willing, eventually has a teenager and hers just happens to be a little more inventive [I haven't seen any evidence of that yet -- except for the lesbian part, she's been pretty run-of-the-mill, actually]. Jack ushers her to the kitchen and says he'll make her a cup of tea. She snidely asks if he doesn't have anything stronger than tea [it's YOUR house, Erica, you tell HIM]

Bianca sneaks down the stairs and opens the door. She had heard Rain throwing pebbles at the window. Rain tells her she has to bolt -- TONIGHT! She can't do the shelter scene anymore, it's too cold to sleep on the street, and the security guard at the mall tossed her out. She has to rail it now, but she wanted to say goodbye. Bianca says she can't do that. Rain says normally she just leaves. Bianca: "I thought you said the railcar thing was DANGEROUS!" Rain: "I'll handle it." Bianca says "No WAY!" and pulls her inside, saying she'll stay there. Rain balks at Erica's imminent reaction. Bianca says the place has, like, 200 bedrooms-- she's staying the night, and that's IT!

PINE VALLEY MALL

Tad and the boys walk into the food court as Jamie tells him about Junior pushing David Hayward off the barstool. Junior says he TOLD Jamie not to say anything. Tad is perplexed and wants to know why Junior wouldn't want him to know. Junior says he was afraid Tad would get mad -- Mom, too. Tad reluctantly says he guesses this is the part where he's supposed to say getting physical to get even isn't a very good idea. Junior brightens and says he did good, though, didn't he? Tad barely stifles a grin and says yes. HOWEVER, he doesn't want him going anywhere NEAR David Hayward again -- if he gets mad, come to Tad with it. Junior agrees. Tad says that, in the meantime, they should use their energies to make things right back at home. He's not making any promises, but anything is possible. They leave to hit the slopes.

THE PIT

Dixie walks in rubbing her arms (but her nipples are completely non-erect, despite the freezing temperatures and a soft-cup bra). Bud asks if she's okay and the waitress asks where her coat is. She says her car got skidded off the road. He wonders if it's that one in the ditch outside [no, it's in the ditch INside]. the waitress wonders if they should call a tow-truck. Bud says they can try, but he thinks she'll probably have to stay there until "this thing is over" (more foreshadowing of the storm and it's consequences [maybe a giant wave will swamp The Fidelity!] Bud offers her a drink and she requests coffee. As she sits and stares out into the storm, David Hayward walks up and rubs her shoulder, asking if he can help. She looks up at him, gulping in pain. Adam's PI, Duffy, walks in. Bud spies him (so to speak) and asks if he's still looking for Arlene. He says she's was going to some boat, the Fidelity. She makes him nuts! She's there now and has a red coat. Duffy remembers Adam saying: "I need you to find Arlene before the police find her. The change of plan is this: I never want to see her face again." He thanks Bud and walks out.

THE FIDELITY

Hayley, Mateo, Adam, Liza and Marian walk in with trepidation. Adam asks what the devil Palmer is doing there (with Vanessa). Palmer says Adam's ex-wife sent them a note telling them to meet her there at 8pm if they wanted to get Vanessa's necklace back. Hayley says she sent them ALL notes -- what she wants to know is WHY. "GOOD QUESTION" says our intrepid Lt. Frye as he walks in, "it's not every day you get a handwritten invitation to a confession." Adam demands to know what he's talking about. Derek reads the note: "'Come to the Fidelity at 8pm if you want to see the guilty punished' -- don't all speak at once!" Vanessa and Palmer look perplexed -- the Chandlers and Santos's all look sideways at each other like a PV crowd at a wedding when the preacher asks if there's any reason why a couple shouldn't get married.

ON THE NEXT ALL MY CHILDREN

David whispers to Dixie that she needs him as much as he needs her. He grabs her and kisses her. She kisses back.

On deck, Vanessa walks up to a blonde in a red coat and jerks her around, exclaiming: "There you are, you THIEVING TRAMP! Honestly!" She is surprised to see that it's Hayley.

Jake shrugs and tells Gillian she's pregnant. Gillian looks flummoxed.

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "flummoxed: another cool word" Coutellier

2001: Detailed Friday Update, 1/19/01

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Bianca to Erica (psychiatrist is also in the room): "TELL HER how you feel about having a gay daughter -- TELL HER!!" Erica: "I've never been so frightened of anything in my life!"

Ryan: "I'm giving you that wedding I promised." Gillian: "I could get married in Las Vegas in one of those Elvis places and still be the happiest woman in the world!"

Mateo reads a note next to Hayley, presumably left by Arlene. The note reads: "I am as close as your next breath. I can get to you whenever I want." Mateo: "Oh, my God!"

VALLEY INN BAR AND GRILL

Ryan is on the phone with one of his investors (Stan) and is finding out that it will take $10K to get in on a money-making scheme. Gillian only hears the fringes as she picks up menus and smiles at him. Ryan tells Stan he's in and to meet him at the Valley Inn Bar in 1/2 hour. Ryan tells him that it's better that they keep Gillian in the dark on this [then why aren't you meeting at BJs or something?]

Leo walks in and is surprised to see Gillian working there. She informs him that she's already made $3 in tips! He jokes about it and Ryan says it's mad money. Leo tells her that means it can be spent in a madcap way. She says it's going straight into a savings account where it can confound interest. Ryan corrects her and interjects that his own bank statement is pretty darn confounding. Leo then hands Ryan some faxes and Gillian gets back to work. Leo says he guesses he can't ask for an advance on his salary for a while then. Ryan points out that Leo has a LOT of money since Greenlee bought out his half of the loft. [Huh? Exactly how much money did Leo put into it in the first place? Hmmm, let's see ... multiply by ... carry the 2 ... equals ... NOTHING!] A light bulb turns on over Ryan's head and he asks Leo if he'd like to see that money work for him -- he just got a hot tip on an investment.

Before Leo can answer, Adam interrupts and asks the same question many of us were asking, namely, is Ryan putting in a 1/2 day? Why isn't he on the yacht conducting business? Ryan says he's meeting a client. Adam scoffs at the idea of Leo being a client. Ryan says that Leo is his new assistant. Adam doesn't quite believe it. Leo says he has great people skills and orders Adam to welcome him aboard. Adam asks what kind of scam Leo is trying to pull this time.

Adam says he'd rather gargle glass than have Leo on his payroll. Leo holds out a glass and asks "Straight up on on the rocks?" Ryan snickers. Adam says the last time Leo worked for him, it was a disaster. Leo says it was no picnic for him, either, having to hurt Stuart and Marian. Besides, he doesn't work for Adam, he works for Ryan. Ryan says Leo gets things done -- he's already got the computer network up and running and processing requests faster than they can fill them. Adam says HE's the one who signs the paychecks. Leo promptly pipes in: "You know, I'm glad you brought that up. Since I've proved myself indispensable, I think it's time we talked salary. I was thinking something high five figures with full bennies, of course -- retirement, pension plan, you know." Adam turns to Ryan and says this is the reason his business was in the tank when he took it over. Ryan points out that Adam didn't "take it over", he SOLD it to him, and if he didn't micro-manage every move they make, they might actually be able to get something DONE. Adam gives him until the end of the quarter to get the company in the black or they'll BOTH be out on their butts and he'll get some Silicon Valley guys to take over [they'll be available, too, since we won't have any electricity, so gas can't be pumped to the trucks to take it to the gas stations, whose pumps won't be working to pump it into the vehicles, which will all be stuck at intersections with non-working lights, trying to get to non-existent jobs because no companies will have electricity to run the lights, computers, door locks, telephones, etc. Without gas to power the trucks to bring food to the markets, where it will rot without refrigeration anyway, not to mention skyrocketing prices that we can't pay, in any case, since cash registers won't work, we'll all starve. Look for us to be moving to YOUR state soon. That won't make a lot of difference, though, since the collapse of the California economy will cause the entire US to sink into a depression. Sorry -- I think too much.].

As Greenlee walks in and Adam stalks out, Ryan vows he will NOT lose his company to that man [too late]! Ryan vents to Leo about Adam and Leo tells him he's preaching to the choir. Greenlee's head swivels to them, then over to Gillian waiting on tables. As Gillian strides by her, Greenlee tosses ice on the floor, which causes Gillian to slip. Greenlee grins.

Ryan and Leo help Gillian to pick up the mess on the floor. Leo notices Greenlee and suggests a connection, but Gillian insists she just wasn't looking where she was going. Gillian asks about Adam and Ryan brushes it off as Adam just getting off on power plays. Leo goes over to Greenlee and asks what's she's doing. She says it's a bar and she wants a drink if she can get anyone to wait on her -- it's so hard to get decent help these days. Ryan comes over and asks what she's doing there. Leo: "She's thirsty." Greenlee says she's surrounded by her two favorite men -- she feels like Scarlett O'Hara at the Twelve Oaks barbeque. Ryan says maybe they'll get lucky and someone will start a war. She says she thought Adam just did that. Then she starts in about Gillian being forced to work as a barmaid. Ryan corrects her -- Gillian is a WAITRESS. Leo bends down to her, picks up an olive-spearer and says: "Greenlee, think of something to do with this little plastic swordy thingy-dingy, ok?" He and Ryan walk out, leaving Gillian at Greenlee's mercy.

Outside the bar, Ryan and Leo discuss the investment opportunity -- Ryan is sure enough about it to invest $10k he doesn't even have -- does Leo want in? Leo: "Well, I'm a sucker for two things -- fast women and easy wom-- I mean easy money." They power-shake.

Later, Ryan walks in with Stan Berringer and introduces him to Leo. Stan sizes Leo up and asks if he's a player. Leo thinks for a second as he chomps peanuts and then says he likes the odds. Stan says he'll increase his seed money by tenfold. Leo hands Stan an envelope with $25K and Ryan hands him one with $10K. No paperwork is involved, apparently. Stan says he'll give it to their investor and get in touch in a couple of days. Stan leaves. Ryan tells Leo he is a TRUE bull-artist. Leo says in a couple of days he'll be a true bull-artist with a big, fat wallet. Gillian walks up and asks what was in the envelopes. Leo says that was their cash and pops more nuts into his mouth. Ryan signals over Gillian's head that it was the wrong answer and Leo smoothly continues after swallowing: "Analysis of the advertising rates for ID.com."

Greenlee suddenly starts bellowing: "Hey, you! WAITRESS! I need some SERVICE over here!" They all turn in her direction. Gillian takes a big, annoyed breath and marches over, exhaling loudly before saying: "Is there a problem?" Greenlee viciously snarls: "I ordered a White Russian! This is a Rusty Nail! I demand to see the manager!" Gillian's jaw works and she briefly looks away.

In the meantime, Leo asks if there's a reason why Ryan doesn't want Gillian to know about the deal. For that matter, should HE be worried about it. Ryan says she's just a worrier and he'll tell her later.

The manager has appeared at Greenlee's table and asks Greenlee if there is a problem. Greenlee rags on how Gillian is doing SERIOUS damage to the bar's reputation, bringing the wrong drinks and then getting her grubby fingerprints all over the glass. Gillian points out that they are HER grubby fingerprints. Greenlee leaps on that: "Do you hear the way she speaks to me? How could you tolerate such insubordination?" Man: "Gillian, Ms. Smythe is a highly valued patron of this establishment [apparently he's never seen or heard of Gillian or Dimitri or any of Dimitri's family]. One more incident like this, and you will be terminated!" He tells Greenlee her drinks are on the house and he walks away. Greenlee is happy, giving a smug head tilt ala Marcia Brady. Leo has hovered over the scene and walks to the bar to pick up a Bloody Mary as Gillian asks Greenlee if she's satisfied now. Greenlee says no, but she'll have another drink. She tells her to take that one away and bring her a Bloody Mary. Gillian walks away. Leo pretends to walk past Greenlee's table toward something else, then whirls and "accidentally" spills the drink all over Greenlee and her nice white top. She jumps up shrieking at him and calling him an idiot. Leo: "Oh, I'm sorry! Did you want celery with that -- I'm sorry -- or a twist?" You can hear Gillian laughing at her, not unlike when she fell, all oiled up, in the sand on the beach last summer. Gillian and Ryan continue to laugh, with him putting his arm around her. Leo smiles and sticks his tongue out at Greenlee, giving her nyah, nyah gestures.

ERICA'S HOUSE

[As with most scenes involving Erica and Bianca these days, I rely heavily on quotes because most of it is too good to summarize.]

Bianca asks if Erica is afraid of her. Erica says no, she's afraid of losing her! They are shown in profile, and Erica looks like a stick figure standing next to Bianca. The shrink, Pamela Trent, says it's not easy to admit our fears, but it's a major step toward resolving conflict. Bianca doesn't know what to say. Erica says to tell her she's not going to lose her. Bianca asks how she can even say that -- she's loved her her whole life -- her feelings haven't changed because she told her she was gay! Bianca: "But YOURS have." Erica: "That's not true!" Bianca: "Mom, you're angry with me ALL the time! You can't even stand to look at me!" Dr. Trent: "Erica, how do you feel about what Bianca just said?" Erica: "How do I feel? Well, when every dream you've had for your little girl vanishes -- it's decided. I mean, it's done. It's out of my hands. I don't think that my feelings count here." Bianca: "Mom, they matter to me!" Erica: "Bianca, you made an announcement that altered our lives. I know that you say that nothing has changed and that it's not about me, but I'm your mother and I am affected by your actions, your words, the choices you make for yourself. And our life is NOT the same -- from the silence at the breakfast table to the awkward kisses good night. And every time you go into your bedroom at night and close the door, I can feel that I'm losing you! And the break between us widens day by day, fight by fight. I'm losing you to a world I can't even begin to comprehend!" Bianca: "Have you ever reached for MY hand across the breakfast table? When I kiss you good night, YOU'RE the one who turns away! When I close the door behind me, I'M the one who cries myself to sleep at night because I miss you SO MUCH! And I pray that you will come into my room and that you will hold me and that you will tell me that everything is ok, that you still love me the way you used to!" Erica: "Of course I do! Of course I still love you the way I did! And how could I do those things, Bianca, when you shut me out?" Bianca: "Mom, I'm still here! I'm still here!" Erica: "But it's not the same. We're not close. Not the way we were." Bianca: "Because you keep pushing me to change, Mom! You're pushing me right out of your life!"

Erica: "How could I push you out of my life? You ARE my life!" Bianca: "I can't be that either, Mom. I can't be what you want me to be." Erica: "Can you understand that I've had dreams for you and plans for you ever since I can remember? Things for us to do together, mother-daughter things." Bianca: "Mom, we can still do mother-daughter things. We can - - we can go shopping and riding. We can go to movies together." Erica (sniffling now): "We certainly wouldn't be shopping for the same things. I mean, we'll never shop for a trousseau together. We'll never spend a day at Lacy's together picking out a china pattern or -- or a wedding dress." Bianca: "Well, what if I meet the right girl and we fall in love and we decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together? You can help us set up our house. You can help us pick out the silver and the linen --" Erica: "It would not be the same thing." Bianca: "Why not?" Erica: "Because." Bianca: "Because why? I think I know why. It's the same reason that you don't have any close girlfriends." Erica: "What? What are you talking about?" Bianca: "You -- you turn to men mainly when you need somebody to talk to, when you need a shoulder to cry on." Uncle Jack and Dimitri, David -- I don't think that you trust women the same way that you do men." Erica: "Dr. Trent, Bianca has seen me hurt many times." Bianca: "What does that tell you about yourself, Mom?" Erica: "That it takes a great deal of courage to give your heart to a man and risk that it might be broken." Dr. Trent: "Is that what you meant when you said that you felt like this was your fault?" Erica: "Dr. Trent, this session is not about me or my quote/unquote problems with men." Dr. Trent: "On the contrary. It's very much about you." Bianca looks at Erica. Erica stares a little, then looks away.

Erica walks over to Dr. Trent and says she may have a less-than-perfect track record with men, but that really has nothing to do with the situation at hand and she has NO problem attracting members of the opposite sex! Bianca looks down and sighs. Her face falls and she starts to walk away, knowing that this discussion is futile. The doctor tells Erica that she understands she has a hard time keeping the relationships together. Erica: "Well, it is hardly MY fault if the men I choose don't live up to my expectations!" Dr. Trent: "Perhaps you set your expectations too high." Erica: "Well, *I* have no trouble living up to them!" Bianca whirls and says: "But Daddy couldn't -- and *I* can't either! Erica says that Bianca was scarred deeply by watching their marriage disintegrate and that's why she's now afraid to commit to a man. Bianca says that is SO not true! Erica condescendingly says she thinks she hit a nerve or Bianca wouldn't be so defensive. Bianca: "I HAVE to defend myself, Mom -- you WON'T!" Erica: "Bianca, if you would just hear me out, then maybe you would understand." The doctor tells Erica to LISTEN to what her daughter is trying to tell her. Erica lashes out: "I have done nothing BUT! But so far I haven't heard one thing that makes any sense!" Dr. Trent: "The objective of family therapy is --" Erica: "Is for the THERAPIST to remain OBJECTIVE! Now, it is clear to me, Dr. Trent, that you are taking my daughter's side against me!" Bianca watches her, any slight hope of progress slipping away. Dr. Trent: "I'm sorry you see it that way." Erica: "I'm sorry you wasted our time!" The doctor tells Bianca to give her a call if they want to give it another chance, and Erica shows her the door. Erica firmly closes the door, shaking her head is disgust as she re-enters the living room. Bianca says family therapy didn't work -- now what do they do? Erica stares.

Erica mutters that she thought Dr. Trent would be more helpful. Bianca says she's tired and she doesn't want to fight with her anymore. Erica: "We don't have to fight, Bianca. If only you'd keep an open mind!" Bianca: "ME? Mom, I walked into an AMBUSH tonight. You spring this therapist on me without giving me ANY notice or asking my permission! It's like what you did when I was little, remember? You told me that we were going to a carnival, and instead you took me to the hospital to take my tonsils out!" Erica: "Oh, Bianca, because I didn't want you to be afraid. I was trying to soften life's rough edges for you." Bianca: "That is not your job, Mom. Your job is to love me and to give me direction, not take over my life and play amateur therapist!" Erica: "Fine. What we have to do is we have to find another therapist, one who has the proper qualifications." Bianca: "You mean someone who is going to tell you exactly what YOU want to hear! Mom, save yourself the money. Get a ventriloquist's dummy and sit it on your knee!" Erica: "That is NOT funny, Bianca." Bianca: "Do you see me laughing? [*I* laughed] Mom, I HATE the way we act around each other!" Erica: "So do I." [There is a standoff moment here, like when my former sweetie and I were discussing soaps. I said they were like books that never ended. He said "Exactly!" I said "Exactly!", but we had different viewpoints.] Bianca: "Did you mean what you said, you know, about me going back to modeling for the Enchantment campaign?" Erica, sincerely: "Of COURSE I did. I'll tell Shannon that you changed your mind. But, look, I want to be perfectly straight with you (she blanches a little at the gaffe). I mean I want you to know exactly what you're in for. We're going to do a lot of P.R. And since Donald Steele's big expose in the press, I mean, obviously the press is going to be asking you a lot of questions about your personal life, so -- so we'll rehearse, and then you'll be ready with the right answers." Bianca: "'The right answers.' You mean that you want me to lie about myself. I will pass. You tell Shannon knock herself out. I'm going to bed." Erica: "Oh, Bianca, please! PLEASE! Oh!"

THE SANTOS CONDO-O-LUV/DEATH TRAP/CANDLE WAREHOUSE

Hayley sits up and reads the note, then gets up to walk across the bedroom. Mateo turns on the lights [you can douse those 500 or so candles now -- how do these people breathe with all that waxy smoke? Don't their smoke alarms ever go off?] Hayley says Arlene is trying to make her confess. Mateo mentions Tina, who enters the room on queue, rubbing her sore head where she had been knocked out. Hayley rushes to get info from her, but Tina doesn't remember. Tina asks where all the candles came from. [Hayley: "Our spare bedroom is filled to the rafters."] Tina helpfully points out that the room looks like a shrine for the dead. Mateo says they should go to the hospital to get her head checked out. Tina picks up the phone to call the police instead and Mateo, ever mindful of her possible concussion, roughly yanks the phone away, whipping her around in the process. He says she doesn't want to do that. Hayley gapes and Tina looks confused.

Tina asks if he's already called the cops and he says he doesn't want to get them involved in it. Tina protests that someone knocked her over the head and turned the place into a creepshow! [TURNED it into one?] Hayley nervously says maybe Tina is right -- maybe they should call ... wait for it ... DEREK! Mateo says they should think about it while they take Tina to the hospital. Tina is frustrated and says that's not necessary, she'll just take some aspirin and have Jake check her out when she goes to work tomorrow. They need to report this. Hayley starts rocking back and forth and moaning/whining that she wishes this was just a dream and that somebody would wake her up! Tina says she knows they think this was Arlene's doing, but Hayley has her own TV show -- what if she's being stalked by some nut job? Hayley: "Arlene IS some nut job!" Mateo says that's why he's going to take her to someplace safe -- Adam's house, where they have recently beefed-up security. [BWAHAHAHAAAA!!! Didn't they JUST leave there after "Arlene" put that sentimental ashtray in Colby's crib? That place is as secure as a house of cards!] Hayley says it's NOT safe there -- she can get to her there if she wants to. Tina is still on her cop shtick and Mateo tells Tina to GO TO HER ROOM [I kid you not] -- go back to her condo and lock the door and forget about what's going on over here. He's NOT calling the cops. Hayley pathetically apologizes to Tina for getting hurt and moans that it's all her fault -- everything is all her fault! Mateo hands Hayley her jacket and drags her out, asking Tina to put out the rest of the candles. They leave. Tina blows out 3 candles, then picks up the phone to report a break-in.

ADAM'S HOUSE

Mateo and Hayley sulk in and Winnifred explains that Liza is down at the gatehouse. Hayley appears to be clutching a pink security blankie. Winnifred offers tea, etc., but Mateo brushes her off. They go into the living room and Hayley demands to know why he's trying to get rid of Winnifred. Does he suspect the staff let Arlene in? She insists they are loyal to her father to a fault. Mateo says they all hate Arlene, too. She then shifts gears and asks what happened at the bar. He tells her about Arlene paying some guy to lure him there. Hayley says it's another way for Arlene to come between them and she can't shake this feeling that she is EVERYWHERE, watching them. Maybe they SHOULD call the police. Adam walks in and asks why, what's happened now? [Why didn't they hear the front door? It's only a few feet away.] Mateo does that weird jaw/lip maneuver that he's so fond of lately and says that Arlene has struck again.

Mateo explains what happened at their candle-infested condo and shows him the note. Adam keeps blustering about how do they know it's Arlene. Mateo says Hayley says it is her mom's handwriting and the same as on the note found in the crib. Hayley: "Yeah, I used to have this cat named Comet [Hayley's Comet -- Charlie Brent gave it to her] who got this mouse once and was, like, batting the mouse around. And sometimes the mouse would get away and the cat would let it think it was escaping, and then the cat would pounce on it again. And that's what I feel like I am. I feel like I'm the mouse waiting to be pounced on by the cat, and I just -- I can't take it anymore. I really can't." Mateo says he won't let Arlene do this to her [you haven't stopped her yet, dickweed]. Hayley says it's too late -- she's everywhere. He says that it's NOT a ghost -- if it really IS Arlene, then she'll trip up and they'll catch her. Hayley says that then she'll go to the police and it will be all over, which is why SHE has to go to them first. Derek already knows something's up. Adam says they've already ruled that out. Besides he's had the locks changed (he hands them both a new set). He's already hired a PI. Hayley says it won't matter, because Arlene will find a way. The doorbell rings and Adam goes to get it, assuming it's the new PI, Duffy Olifant (and it is). He introduces them and says Duffy has done work for him in the past and is very discreet. Duffy says he's up to speed -- is there anything they'd like to add? Hayley: "Are you a married man?" He says yes and she tells him to watch is back -- Arlene's favorite prey is married men. There's an uncomfortable moment [is there any other kind in that house?], and Adam says Duffy will be keeping an eye on Hayley, too, from a distance. Duffy asks about her schedule. Hayley looks like she's going to puke and excuses herself to go upstairs. Mateo will fill him in on the schedule when comes back downstairs. Adam gives Duffy a picture of Arlene. Duffy thinks she's a good-looking broad and Adam agrees -- she's a part-time party girl and part-time black widow -- she's lethal.

When Mateo comes back down, Duffy says he'll start at the bar where the guy saw Arlene. They walk him out. Adam walks Mateo back into the living room, arm around his shoulders, assuring him that Duffy is a good man and will take care of it. Mateo says Hayley is a wreck. It's out of hand -- maybe they SHOULD call the police. Adam yells "NO!!" Hayley will spill and confess to murder before they even read her her rights. If the cops find Arlene before they do, she'll damn Hayley to hell with her sob story. Mateo says to let her talk -- it will at least prove Hayley didn't kill her! Adam says there would still be a trial -- does Mateo really want Hayley to go through that? Mateo says Adam has the best lawyers who will convince them there were extenuating circumstances -- it can't be any worse than what Hayley is going through right now! He says Arlene has proven that she can get close to all of them, even Colby. Is he willing to put his daughters at risk? Adam stares with his mouth open.

Adam says he would DIE before he puts his daughters at risk. Mateo tells him to be careful what he wishes for, blah, blah, blah. Adam says Arlene wants money. Mateo says she would have shown up a lot sooner if that was the case -- she has a score to settle with Hayley. Adam insists he'll have his P.I. find her, pay her off, then he'll have his private jet fly her off half-way around the world. Mateo says if he doesn't, he's calling the cops. On cue, the doorbell rings. Adam opens it [all that beefed up security and not a peephole in sight] and Derek barrels in, saying they need to talk. He goes into the living room, says Tina told him what happened a the condo, and demands that Mateo tell him what's going on between him, Hayley and Arlene Vaughn. Mateo works his jaw.

CONDO-O-WAX

Tina and Derek walk into Hayley and Mateo's bedroom. Tina says H&M didn't want to bring the police in, but something in there is SO not right! He asks if they gave her a reason for not bringing the police in. [If Derek KNOWS H&M don't want to report anything, why is he still there asking questions?] Tina points out the trashed living room. Tina goes to get something to show him and he wanders around actually opens the NIGHTSTAND DRAWER! She runs back in, saying: "It's GONE!" Turns out she's talking about the doll with the noose. She blabbers about how she wanted to call the police but Hayley didn't want to, saying she deserved it. It comes out that Arlene is suspected of doing all these things, and Derek busily writes this down. Tina says Arlene is back with a vengence and Hayley is completely undone. Derek thinks very, very hard, appearing to be working on the square root of PI.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica is leafing through a photo album, lost in reminiscing over Bianca as a little girl. Bianca walks into the room, carrying a suitcase. Erica doesn't look up, but tells Bianca to look -- she found a photo album with pictures of Bianca's first dance recital! She gushes about the polka-dot dress and how much Bianca loved it and how she probably still has the dress somewhere! Bianca stares at her, stone-faced. Erica finally looks up and sees Bianca dressed to leave and carrying the suitcase. Erica gets up and asks what that stuff is. Bianca says she's leaving. Erica asks if this is another joke or test! The audio and video gets wobbly and it becomes clear that this is a dream. Bianca: "It's the story of your LIFE, Mom! You just can't keep people around. You FORCE them out of your life!" She goes over to a desk where there are photos of many of Erica's men (7 in all) and turns them over, one by one: "Your dad, my dad, Uncle Jack -- all the men that you say you loved." Erica: "I did love them! Bianca, I loved them with all my heart!" Bianca: "But they couldn't love you back, Mom. You made it IMPOSSIBLE! You expect too much, and you give back FAR too little. You're a FAILURE as a woman and as a mother!" Erica: "Bianca, no! You don't mean that!" Bianca: "I mean every word! I wish to GOD that I weren't your daughter! She runs out of the house. Erica yells: "Bianca! Come back! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!!!" The camera shows Erica's hands on the photo album and pans up to show her sleeping fitfully on the couch.

In reality, Bianca enters the living room and checks out her mother sleeping. She kneels down and look s at her with pain and love on her face. She reaches out to Erica to touch her hair or face, but before she can make contact, Erica starts mewing and tossing, begging Bianca not to leave her. Bianca gets up, picks up her jacket and walks out.

Rain is waiting for Bianca on the porch. Bianca thanks her for waiting and Rain says she's glad Erica didn't wake up when she tossed the rocks at Bianca's window. Bianca is really glad she came by. Rain asks if she and her mom went another ten rounds and Bianca says she's RELENTLESS and wont' be happy until Bianca comes home with a hunk on either arm! Rain says she can't help her there, but if she's up for some mindless fun, she's her girl. Bianca looks back at the house, then says: "Yeah, let's go!" They trot off.

THE PIT

Duffy shows Arlene's picture around. He asks Bud (the guy who scammed Mateo) about her and hands him his card. Duffy walks out and the guy crumples the card, tossing it over his shoulder. The camera shows a pair of half-booted legs traipsing in. This time the legs are skinnier than before. Bud hails "Arlene" and asks if she's going to save him a dance. The boots stop momentarily at this, then walk over to the bar to stand flirtatiously next to a pair of jeans (not Bud's). More and more leg is shown as she tuns and walks away from the bar. Bud tosses back a drink, sets it down and does a macho setting-himself-to-rights move before moving across the room with a look of lust on his face. The booted legs slowly and seductively meet his booted legs in the middle of the room and they start dancing. The camera pans higher and higher, finally showing the red velveteen miniskirt, the purse on the long gold-plated chain, and a tight top, finally stopping to show Hayley dancing with Bud. With a deeper voice than usual, she says: "Come on, Sweetie, put some MUSCLE into it! You KNOW what muscle *I'M* talkin' about!" She gives a throaty laugh and he joins in as the camera pans up and back.

ON THE NEXT AMC:

Hayley has her head tilted WAAAAY back as she looks lazily and seductively at Bud, who says: "What are we hanging around THIS dump for?"

Ryan: "Tell me right now what it is, what you want, and I will give it to you." Gillian flirts: "You're in for a surprise!"

David to a grim-mouthed Dixie: "Tad will never love you the way that I do. Just give me a chance to prove it."

Junior looks down, hurt, and asks Tad: "Are you going to leave us?" Tad looks grim indeed.

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "gee, who ever would have thought it would be Hayley?" Coutellier

2000: BC - Detailed Friday Update, 12/29/00

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Outside of Joe's office, Tad says to Leslie: "What are you doing here?" Leslie: "I had an appointment with your father."

David to Dixie at Wildwind: "It's not in your best interest to be seen with me." Dixie: "I can have pie with whomever I please."

Leo to Bianca: "Did Greenlee push Laura over the yacht?" Bianca: "Yes, she did." Leo: "Why did you wait so long to tell me?" Bianca: "Greenlee blackmailed me."

Derek to Greenlee at the boathouse: "You're under arrest for the attempted murder of Laura English."

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica stands on the stairs and listens as Leo questions Bianca about Greenlee blackmailing her. She hears Bianca tell Leo that when Greenlee threatened to tell her mother that she was gay, Greenlee knew there was nothing worse that she could hold over her -- NOTHING. Erica seems to feel the pain of knowing how afraid Bianca was of telling her that she was gay. Erica presses her lips together and quickly tiptoes back up the stairs. Leo falls into a chair and puts his hands over his face. He looks stunned and very hurt. He wants to know everything. Bianca tells him that she almost told him and Laura a dozen times, but every time she got close to it, Greenlee seemed to have a 6th sense and would swoop in and threaten her again. Leo is appalled that Greenlee did this -- what kind of person did he fall in love with, for God's sakes?

Leo starts pacing and says he can't believe Greenlee would TORTURE her like that -- like Bianca didn't have ENOUGH to deal with in the last few months! Recapping for new viewers, Bianca says Greenlee knew she was really messed up about everything and that the last thing Bianca could handle was having her mom know that she was gay. Leo tells her not to worry -- he's going to make sure Greenlee doesn't say ANYTHING to Erica about it. Bianca says Erica already knows. Leo feels sick about it -- did Greenlee tell her? Bianca is quick to let him know that Erica knows about it. He asks when, and Bianca says right before Christmas [isn't this the next day?]. It was the day of the mother-daughter shoot and she felt like a fraud. Then Sarah came over. Bianca: "I watched her throw away who she really was to keep something that she never had to begin with. And I decided right then and there that I couldn't live that way, not even for another minute. And then mom walked in on us." Erica saw Sarah and Bianca hugging and threw Sarah out. Bianca: "And then I came out, right here, for Christmas." Bianca says the holidays basically didn't happen -- Erica took off and didn't come back until the next day [TODAY]. Leo: "And when she did?" Bianca: "It's bad, Leo. And I don't know how it's going to get better."

PINE VALLEY JAIL

Derek escorts Greenlee into a cell as she belittles him. He slams the door shut and she puts her hand over her nose as if it smells like an unattended monkey cage and wails: "Oh! I am *NOT* in *JAIL*!!!" Derek gloats that she IS. Greenlee is wearing a black sweater that goes past her 2nd knuckles, but doesn't have enough material to cover her belly button -- go figure. Apparently it was made for a target consumer who happens to be a chimpanzee, so maybe she IS in an unattended monkey cage. Derek says he'll speak to the concierge -- in the meantime, he'll call Woody. She orders him not to do it. He stares at her, then tells her to make herself comfortable. He walks away and she yells that he's going to be sorry for this! She grasps the bars like they are a life-raft as she looks around the cell, no doubt imagining lice, mice and other assorted vermin, not realizing that she fits right in.

Greenlee sniffs, looking at the in-cell combination toilet/drinking fountain, then the bed that's seen more men's asses than she has. A guard walks up and unlocks the cell. She sneers at him as he tells her she can make her phone call now [why couldn't she make it when she was being booked?] He grabs her arm and drags her to the telephone in the hallway. She jerks out of his grasp and he hands her a quarter and walks away. The telephone is so high that the bottom of it is almost level with her neck [you can ALWAYS tell when men design things] and she practically has to do a hook-shot just to drop the quarter in. She calls Leo as the guard wanders close again. She thanks God when Leo answers, telling him he'll never BELIEVE what happened to her! Leo gives a sighing "What?" and she says: "That wench Laura Ingalls or whatever her name is called the cops and had me arrested!" [BWAHAHAHAAA!!] He's silent. She tells him the place smells like a restroom at a train station [like SHE would know what that smells like] and begs him to come down there and bail her out. In a neutral voice, he says he'll be there soon, and then hangs up. He tells Bianca Greenlee is in jail. Bianca: "Stop it!" He says he has to go. Bianca doesn't believe he's going, but he says he has to. She asks what he's going to do and he says he has no idea. He kisses her cheek and leaves. As she watches him walk away, Erica walks up behind her and looks at her with trepidation.

Bianca notices Erica and closes the door, looking at her with her own trepidation. Erica says she heard her tell Leo about what Greenlee did to her. Erica says she is so, SO sorry and hugs Bianca tightly. Bianca hugs her back, savoring the hug as if she'll never have another.

BJS

David and Dixie are having pie at BJs [cleanup at table 7!]. David grumbles that every time he turns around someone in this town is calling him out for something. He grouses that he helped Dimitri Marrick more than anyone else in that town, and not just medically -- he kept his secret against substantial opposition, not the least of which came from Dixie. And now the brothers have the NERVE to accuse him of having something to do with Alex's disappearance? Dixie says the brothers are feeling terrified about what might be happening to Alex -- maybe David can feel a little COMPASSION for what they are going through right now. He gives her a look and drinks from his oversized coffee cup. She asks if he thinks she's being naive. He says he thinks she's being what she always is, practical, kind ... She ruefully echoes "sensible Dixie". He says that's what she is -- he learned that about her when she was working for him. [Oh yeah, she was VERY practical, making out with her husband on Alex's desk, constantly taking time off whenever she pleased to meet her husband at hotels or just spending time with the kids, yelling at David constantly, all the while tempting him with outfits that would make a hooker blush.] He jokes about the temp agency sending over a steady stream of assistants and that he's turned down more of them than Murphy Brown. He half-jokingly asks if she would reconsider working for him.

She tells him not to even THINK it! David grins and says he won't ask her again, despite the fact that his practice is a shambles without her. She laughs and pretends to be about to stab him with her fork [what fun!] He asks how her Christmas was and she says it was nice. She had a profound thought while she watched the kids open their presents [wow, she cleans up well, considering her head must have exploded] -- she misses what it was like being young and experiencing that feeling of joy when ripping open presents [I'm sure David is wishfully thinking of how joyful he would feel opening a gift-wrapped Dixie]. It would be so nice not having to worry about bills and relationships and other people's health [?]. It would be nice to have things easy again like when she was a kid. David says that wouldn't have occurred to him, because it wasn't like that when HE was a kid [insert violin music here], at least as soon as he lost his father. He just walked around angry all the time. She asks if there were moments before his father died when he felt happy and carefree. David: "You mean like when I tortured the neighbor's cat?" She shakes her head at his black humor and he says: "Come on, is that what everyone in this town thinks I DID when I was a kid?" Dixie says not everybody thinks that [that makes ONE]. She insists that must have been SOMETHING then that made him just SO happy. He looks around over at the cash register area [he robbed restaurants?] and says there WAS one thing. Reinforcing my hunch, he says it involves petty larceny and asks if she's up for it.

VALLEY INN

There are keepsake Crystal Ball candles available at the front desk. [Are they engraved? When did they have time to get THAT done?] Leslie strolls up to the desk and hands over the key to the hotel room with a little wink, wink, nudge, nudge conversation about her taking care of the bill until further notice (rather than them billing Tad at his house or office). As she walks away, she spies Tad and saunters over to him with a fake (but saucy) greeting of not expecting to run into him there. He glowers at her and says her office told him she was there. She's happy that he tracked her down. He tells her to cut the sweet talk -- he knows EXACTLY what she's doing and she's going to stop it RIGHT NOW. She looks at him as if she's slightly affronted by his inference and doesn't know what he's talking about.

Leslie starts to walk around him while asking what's wrong with him. He grabs her arm and spins her back around (this is still in the lobby). He says SHE is (what's wrong) and reiterates her sins re the hotel, his kids and his father. Tad asks if she thinks he's the village idiot [since they're in an entire town full of idiots, that's all kind of relevant]. He thinks she's SICK! She protests that maybe she IS sick, which is why she wanted a checkup -- she went to Dr. Joe for a physical because he's the best -- like his son. He lambastes her, saying she didn't go for a checkup -- she went to Dr. Joe to try to feel out some more personal inroads into his family, which she could then use against him. She pouts, seeming to be genuinely hurt that he would think something like that! He still has hold of her arm and has been shaking and jerking it for emphasis. People are walking by them constantly in the busy lobby, but no one gives them a 2nd glance. In another blatant nod to the movie "Fatal Attraction", he wants to know if he should make it easy for her and go find a pet rabbit so she can get busy making soup. She starts to cry and he tells her through gritted teeth to knock it off because it's not going to work. She sits down and apologizes because it keeps happening to her and asks for a handkerchief. Tad looks around, hoping no one is noticing. He pulls a snot-rag out of his pocket and papers come out with it, clattering to the floor. Leslie bends down to pick them up and Tad looks heavenward for patience [so he IS the village idiot]. She's still rooting around on the floor and he bends down thanking her and telling her that he's got it. He sits down and stuffs the fallen papers into his pocket, telling her he knows she's upset -- he's upset too. That's why this has GOT to STOP!

Leslie asks why he's being to awful to her, so dismissive? He says it's because talking to her like an adult doesn't seem to work. He asks her to please stop crying. She says she can't just turn off her feelings! Tad: "You're not supposed to have feelings. Not like this. Not over 10 minutes of insanity that happened between us because some jerk drugged an entire boatload of people with a mickey!" She says it wasn't just that one night for her -- she's had these feelings for him for SO LONG and now that they've come out-- Tad grabs her and roughly jerks her to her feet. FINALLY someone in the lobby notices -- Jake walks up behind them and watches, perplexed. Tad: "You're just going to have to stop them up again! This is a warning, ok? You have to BACK - THE - HELL - OFF!" She notices Jake, then grabs Tad for a passionate hug, clinging to him. Tad peels her off, grabbing both her wrists, then turns to see Jake staring at him. Tad looks extremely guilty as Jake stares at him in disbelief, obviously very disappointed at his brother's behavior.

THE BOATHOUSE

Shrieking with laughter, Dixie runs in holding a giant round tray, with David on her heels, holding another one (the trays are about 2.5' across). He can't believe how fast she drove that getaway car. [FAC BJs ON] I've been robbed by a cat-torturing ego-maniac and his airheaded almost-mistress! Call Derek -- wait a second, what I am I SAYING? Call Janet Dillon -- SHE'LL know what to do! I feel SO VIOLATED!!! [FAC BJs OFF] Dixie wonders what her kids would think, then realizes that she, a responsible young mother, CAN'T be caught stealing restaurant supplies! He tells her to think of the payoff! She frets over the dangerousness of sledding on those things. He says they are aerodynamically charged and asks if she's ready to hit toboggan hill. She challenges him to a race and they run off. [Why did they go to the boathouse in the first place, then?]

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica tells Bianca that it's all in the past now -- Greenlee won't hurt her anymore. Erica inquires as to Leo's whereabouts and Bianca tells her that he went to see Greenlee, who has been arrested. Erica is THRILLED at that news and hopes that Bianca will be called to testify against her. Bianca says they won't and, besides, it doesn't matter [I think Laura would beg to differ]. Erica thinks it DOES matter -- after all, Greenlee tried to pin an attempted MURDER on Bianca -- she just wishes Bianca would have come to her sooner. Bianca says she tried many times but she chickened out. Erica asks if she was THAT afraid of her. Bianca says that Greenlee only blackmailed her because she LET her -- if she hadn't cared, it wouldn't have mattered. Erica tries to stop her from talking about that whole "gay thing". Bianca: "This 'GAY THING'?" Erica asks who else knows about it -- has she been telling anyone about it? Bianca says no and Erica is VERY relieved. Erica: "Good! Good! Then it's just you and me and Dimitri. And -- and Leo and that horrible Greenlee person that we have to silence." Bianca: "And Uncle Jack and Myrtle." Erica: "Myrtle? ... All right. All right. It doesn't matter because Myrtle is such a great friend. I know Myrtle won't tell anyone. No, I am confident that we can totally contain this whole thing." Bianca: "'CONTAIN THIS'? Mom, you make it sound like an EBOLA outbreak or something!" Erica tells her it's just that it's a private matter -- do not twist her words! Erica needs to know how Greenlee found out about this theory of Bianca's. Bianca takes offense that Erica thinks it's a "theory". Erica ignores that and presses on. Bianca remembers, then turns around, telling Erica that she's going to have a cow. Then she turns back and says that her friend Rain took her to a gay bar on Halloween. Erica is very surprised that there is a gay bar in Pine Valley. Leo had followed Bianca to see if she was okay and Greenlee followed him and has been holding it over Bianca's head ever since. Erica: "First, this Rain -- she tries to turn you into a panhandler, and now she's trying to turn you into a --" Bianca: "A LESBIAN?" Erica closes her eyes for a few moments, trying to choose her words carefully. She tells Bianca that she is SOOO impressionable and doesn't think she should be putting labels on herself or even making a choice like this at this time. Bianca earnestly tells her that it's not a CHOICE, it's who she IS! Erica says she knows that's how she FEELS because of Sarah, but-- Bianca says it's not a FEELING, it's SOO much more than that! Erica: "Then that's even MORE reason why you should see Dr. McGrath IMMEDIATELY." Bianca: "What?" She can't believe Erica wants her to see a SHRINK! Erica happily tells her that she (Bianca) has had a lot of therapy in her life and it's always HELPED her! Bianca flat out refuses and says not THIS time! Erica: "Excuse me?" Bianca tells her that she's not going to get CURED! It doesn't matter how much Erica pays this psychiatrist of hers, it's NOT going to work, so just DROP IT!

Erica says she's already consulted Dr. McGrath [whom I picture as a gruff dog wearing a trenchcoat] Bianca asks if Erica expects him to deprogram her and says it doesn't work that way. Erica thinks it would be good for both of them if she goes with her. Bianca: "Mom, I understand that this is something that affects you very much, but what I am inside is not really up for debate!" Erica says of course not, but she has to LOOK at these confused feelings. Bianca says she's not the one who's confused. Erica: "I need to be sure of that." Bianca: "**I'm** sure!" Erica: "I know that's what you believe, but, Bianca, what *I'm* hearing is a cry for help. And I'm here! I'm here to help you with that!" Bianca: "Mom -- do you think that I would have chosen to be this way? I mean, don't you think that -- that I might like to be the way most other people are? I mean, it would be so much easier. Why wouldn't I want that?" Erica: "Well, that's what Dr. Mcgrath will help you find out." Bianca: "Mom, I'm NOT going to start liking men, not the way you think I'm supposed to." Erica, ever the center of ALL universes: "This belief of yours that you can't have a great relationship with a man -- it's all about not wanting to walk down the same path that I have. You look at me -- I've had one failed relationship with a man after another, and you say to yourself, 'uh-uh, not for me. I'm not going to do that! I'm going to choose another way.' And so you have, mistakenly. And Dr. Mcgrath can help get you back on track!" Bianca: "To happily ever after?" Erica: "Yes! Isn't that the goal, Bianca? Honey, please promise me that you will just think about what I've said. PLEASE." The doorbell rings, interrupting them. It's a deliveryman with a dress for Erica for the Crystal Ball. Bianca says she had forgotten all about it and hadn't even given a thought about what she would wear! Erica is shocked: "Well, honey, YOU'RE not going. Are you?" Bianca looks like she's been slugged in the stomach.

Erica fusses with the dress as Bianca says that they talked about going to the Crystal Ball before Christmas [I thought that, at that point, there wasn't going to BE one]. Erica says a lot has happened since then. Bianca: "You don't want me there?" Erica FINALLY remembers how Bianca feels about something and conveniently reminds her that she always said she HATED parties. Besides, this is an ADULT event [Oooh! What kind of party favors will they be handing out?] Bianca is taken aback: "You think I'm a child?" Erica says she is 16, so she's NOT a full-grown adult yet. Erica busies herself putting her coat on and suggests calling Myrtle to come over and spend some time with Bianca [a babysitter?]. Bianca coldly informs her that Myrtle went to Llanview to see her daughter. Erica sounds disarmed as she intently concentrates on buttoning her coat. Bianca asks if she is ashamed of her. Erica whips her head around: "What?" Bianca: "Is that why you don't want me to go to the ball with you?" Erica grabs her purse and starts waving her arms around like Dimitri: "Bianca, I was being sympathetic to YOUR feelings! I mean, I was trying to do what YOU like. I guess I was wrong AGAIN on that front." Bianca confidently chides her: "Don't do that, please." Erica cooly says: "Look, you do what you want to do, ok? I'll see you later." Bianca: "Where are you GOING?" Erica doesn't even look back as she tosses out: "I have an important errand to run. Bye!" Bianca looks cranky as she stares at the slammed door: "WHAT am I going to DO with her?"

[Have you ever seen the movie "Hairspray"? I now have visions of Erica returning with a doctor who is holding a whirling spiral and trying to hypnotize Bianca into liking boys :-)]

PINE VALLEY JAIL

Greenlee is ecstatic when Leo walks into the hallway outside her cell. She giggles and asks if he BELIEVES this! Leo cooly plays along, saying it's pretty wild -- what happened? She presses her face between the bars and holds onto them with her hands going out, up and back over a crossbar, looking pitiful. She says Derek came up behind her and started reading her her rights -- she almost keeled over! He says she managed to keep her wits about her, though. Greenlee: "Now I know what you went through when your mother had you thrown in here for something you didn't do! I mean, could there be anything worse than having to defend yourself against bogus charges? I was going nuts. I mean, the Crystal Ball is tomorrow and everything and -- and we're not mad at each other and we really should enjoy ourselves." Leo nods slightly and crosses his arms. Greenlee: "It's our first New Year's together and everything. And what about a limo? I'll spring for it." Leo gives a tight-lipped smile. Greenlee: "That way we can drink so much champagne and not have to worry about anything and have an amazing -- well, I don't have to tell you how fabulous it will be!" Leo's smile gets wider, but still tight-lipped as he raises his eyebrows, seeming to agree with her. Greenlee: "So, did they tell you how long it'll be before I can get out of this hole?" Still grinning, Leo shakes his head like he doesn't have any idea. Greenlee: "These things are all about paperwork and making you wait. It makes you crazy! It's inhuman!" Leo slowly walks up to the bars. Greenlee: "It's like -- it's like being this helpless --" Leo grabs her forearms and shakes her. Greenlee: "Leo, what are you DOING?" He pushes her way and spits out that she pushed Laura over the yacht. She stares at him, eyes wide and bulging.

Greenlee walks back over to the bars and asks if THAT's why he's acting so weird -- she did NOT push Laura over that boat! Leo yells at her to SHUT UP!!!! He KNOWS -- does she understand what that means? Can she stop lying to him for THREE SECONDS? Greenlee's brain is busy processing the situation and she raises her eyebrows, calmly and, with a slightly condescending manner, saying that she can see how mad he is and she can accept that-- Leo: "How NICE for you!" She protests that she LOVES him and he loves HER and that's all that matters! He asks what parallel universe she lives in -- she almost KILLED Laura! If that minister hadn't jumped in after Laura, she would have DROWNED! Greenlee cries that he DID, though and Laura is FINE! Leo yells: "Oh, 'she's fine.' Do you HEAR yourself?" Greenlee says she was DRUGGED! Leo: "Oh HERE we go!" He walks a few steps away. She insists she was, they ALL were -- she didn't want Laura to DIE! It was just an impulsive, drug-induced thing that she didn't even think about for 1/2 second. She just remembers being jealous of Laura hanging all over Leo and the next thing she knew ... well, she didn't MEAN it! Leo: "Oh, you didn't mean it? That's going to make a wonderful defense, Greenlee -- 'I didn't mean it, Your Honor.'" She flatly declares that she's NOT going to trial. He glares at her with disgust and says she can go to HELL for all he cares! She's shocked that he would say that and becomes very little-girlish. She says she hates the way that he's looking at her. She admits she messed up -- can't they come back from that? Leo explodes: "I ASKED you! I looked you in the eye, and I asked you! I promised you right there that no matter WHAT the answer was that I would live with it. I would help you. I wanted one honest moment of truth from you, Greenlee, but you kept lying to me over and over!" She mewls that she was afraid she would lose him -- can't he understand that? He says he CAN in some sick, co-dependent way -- it's the OTHER stuff that he can't wrap his head around. Greenlee, ever the center the of universe: "What other stuff?" He tearfully tells her that even if he could forgive her for lying to him and for lying to Laura, does she really think he could forgive her for abusing an innocent, vulnerable kid like Bianca, whom she KNOWS he considers to be like a SISTER to him? Leo: "Greenlee, you tried to ruin that kid's LIFE by blackmailing her to keep quiet! Like she doesn't have enough to worry about without you messing with her head! She has got more guts and more compassion than you could ever even hope to have! What is this, revenge? Because you have a mother who never gave a damn about you, so you try to take hers away from her?" Greenlee: "You know that's not true!" Leo: "Oh, do I? You were there with me when we walked in and we found her in that gay bar. You saw how terrified she was about being OUTED period, let alone to her MOTHER! What kind of a sick human being would go after somebody's biggest fear, Greenlee? How do you ever expect me to look you in the eyes again?" Greenlee desperately tries to explain that she did it because she loves him and wanted to hold on to him. Greenlee: "Can't you see? I'd do ANYTHING to keep you loving me forever!" [I notice that her head almost fits through the bars -- now THAT would be a great scene, having her head stuck :-)]

Leo tells her that she has a pretty twisted idea of love -- it's awfully familiar. She asks what he means. Leo: "Well, my mother could really relate to your idea of devotion." Greenlee: "DON'T compare me to Vanessa!" Leo: "Greenlee, you're just like her. Face it. You let Bianca take the fall for pushing Laura over the yacht just like my mother let me take the fall for killing her gigolo boyfriend. It's a pretty tight race on who's a bigger bitch." Greenlee starts crying and whining, saying she's not GOOD at this -- she's never been in love before! Leo: "Oh, more revisionist history? Wonderful." She guesses he's talking about Ryan and says she NEVER loved Ryan, but it took loving Leo for her to realize it. Greenlee: "I can't lose you, Leo, I CAN'T! Help me get out of here! Let me make it up to you! Let me fight for you the right way! I'll DIE without you, Leo!" Leo leans into the bars and bends down to her level, saying: "I'll DIE if I STAY." She cries and begs him to listen to her. He straightens up, reaches into his pocket and pulls out his keys, dramatically dropping them to the floor of the cell. Leo: "I will never set foot in that apartment again, do you hear me?" Leo: "Take care of Happy. Hopefully you can take better care of him than you can yourself." [And how is she supposed to do that from behind bars?] He walks out at she continues to cry and beg.

Greenlee covers her face as she cries and walks back to sink down onto the dreaded, vermin-infested, urine-soaked (in her mind) mattress. She rocks back and forth, keening at her loss. Derek quietly escorts Woodruff to the hall outside her cell. Greenlee tries to compose herself and snarls at Derek for calling her grandfather. She walks over to the bars, wiping her nose and eyes, telling him she never wanted him to see her in there. He calmly asks if she was drugged on that yacht. She fervently answers in the affirmative. He says that that will be her lawyer's defense and they'll get the charges dropped. She asks if he called her parents. He doesn't say yes or no. He takes a deep breath and merely says that they are in Switzerland. Greenlee: "They don't want anything to do with me, do they?" Woodruff starts to say something, but is at a loss for words, finally saying: "Let me go make sure your bail is in order." He walks out. Greenlee cries so hard that her knees buckle and she sinks to the floor. [I wonder why they put a toilet right next to the bars instead of on the other side of the room]

VALLEY INN

Jake walks up. Fresh out of her embrace of Tad and acting like it never happened, Leslie says she's glad he got the divorce papers so quickly and thanks him for meeting her on such short notice. Jake wants to be sure he signed and initialed everything correctly. She says she can check it right now -- does he mind waiting with his brother? She walks away. Jake demands that Tad tell him what the hell is going on between him and Leslie -- what did he just walk in on? Tad stares.

Tad says it's hardly a big deal. He had to give Leslie some bad news and she got all emotional and hugged him, that's all. Jake wants to know what the bad news is. Tad sputters a little, then says he had to tell her he was taking her off retainer at Chandler Enterprises, that's all. Jake belligerently says it's an odd thing for her to be hugging HIM about. Tad says maybe that's just her style. Jake says she's his lawyer and he knows that's NOT her style, that's why he's asking so many questions. Before Tad can respond, Leslie clops back and says Jake signed everywhere he was supposed to and they can move forward. She pleasantly says she hopes she'll see him at the Crystal Ball. He says he'll be there. [WHY? It's being hosted by his soon-to-be-ex-wife and the man she cuckolded him with for MONTHS. David Hayward will be there (drooling over Dixie, no doubt) to antagonize him, and everyone in town knows what happened. In fact, I don't think ANYONE except maybe Leslie, Ryan and Gillian are going to be happy to be there! What a crappy start to the millenium!] Jake throws a nasty "I'll catch YOU later!" to Tad and stalks off. Leslie, still unable to take a hint delivered by a crane and an I-beam, asks Tad if he'll save a slow dance for her. Tad just stares at her. He grimly says: "I don't want you talking to me and I don't want you talking to anybody in my family! The LAST thing I need right now is you hanging all over me at that Crystal Ball! You don't come anywhere near ME and you don't come anywhere near DIXIE. As a matter of fact, it might be better if you didn't come at ALL." Leslie pouts and says: "Look, I'm not trying to ruin your marriage, Tad. You've got it all wrong! If you would just be sweet to me --" she whines. Tad: "That's it! Enough, ok? ENOUGH. Now you're being DELIBERATELY dense [NOW?], and I can't DO this anymore!" He stalks off. Leslie gives a determined little moue, walks over to a couch, takes out her cell phone and places an order for a necklace she saw in the window. Her husband wants to buy it for her to wear to the Crystal Ball tomorrow night. She uses Tad's credit card (part of what fell out of his pocket earlier) to pay for it.

THE BOATHOUSE

Dixie and David yelp and shriek with glee as they run back into the boathouse, carrying the stolen restaurant trays. Dixie says she can TOTALLY see him doing that as a kid, but she could NOT see him doing it on a restaurant tray. [FAC BJS ON] Neither could I -- now that you've planted your hairy ass on it, Dr. D, go ahead and KEEP it! [FAC BJS OFF] He says he used to use the one that goes with his mother's sterling silver tea set [he must have had a really little butt at the time]. She asks if Vanessa ever found out. He said yeah, when he wrapped it around a TREE! They both laugh gaily [yeah, I'm sure Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono are laughing, too]. Dixie's hands are freezing, so naturally David offers to warm them up ["Here, let's start a fire -- I've got the PERFECT stick you can rub!"] As David rubs her hands over a convenient orange glow and looks into her eyes, she literally sways with desire. David trembles at her look.

David sensuously rubs Dixie's hands, never taking his eyes off of her. He throatily asks if that's better. David: "How about this?" He bends down and puts his mouth to within 1/8" of her hands and sensuously exhales on them with his hot, steamy breath. Dixie is having trouble breathing, in a ZING-ZING-ZING kind of way. Suddenly we hear a boy talking about making 3 goals. Then Junior answers. Dixie realizes who it is and jumps up. She pulls David with her as they quickly climb a few stairs to get out of sight. The other boy and Junior stop just outside the boathouse and discuss the team efforts. Dixie and David alternately hold their breaths and breath hard. Dixie is humiliated and David seems to realize that, once again, he's put the woman he loves into a very uncomfortable moral position [he also looks like he wants to take advantage of her physical position by spooning with her].

After the commercials, the boys continue to talk, then finally go back the way they came, wielding hockey sticks. Dixie tells David she doesn't know why she didn't just say hello. David softly says: "Yes, you do. We both do, Dixie. How much longer are you going to go on pretending that this isn't right in front of us?" Dixie looks even more flustered and says that Tad is going to be looking for her and she has to go. She runs out of the boathouse. David steps down and watches her go, then tosses his gloves down in a "CURSES, foiled again!" manner.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Bianca lets Jack in and she grouses about her mother not wanting her to go to the Crystal Ball because she's ashamed of her. Jack insists that's not it. Bianca says Erica is afraid she will embarrass her and she wants to lock her in her room with 17 Brad Pitt movies. Jack says they can't let that happen, so HE will take her to the Crystal Ball. Bianca wryly says that won't win him any points with her mom. He says he GUARANTEES that won't win any points with Erica, but it WILL save Bianca from Erica's worst instincts. [Oh yeah, take Bianca to a public forum so that Erica can be SURPRISED and blurt something out in a totally Erica fashion that will humiliate ALL of them!] Jack says that he thinks taking Bianca to the Crystal Ball is what Travis would do if he were there [actually, taking her back to Seattle is what Travis would do]. Bianca gratefully tells Jack that he's totally awesome. She asks about Erica and he says Erica will just have to deal with it. He wants to know if she's going to be his date or not, and she happily says that she IS. They lovingly hug.

VALLEY INN

Leo walks up to the concierge, makes a little small talk and then asks if there's any chance his old suite is available. The concierge asks if there's any chance he can PAY for it. Leo gives an embarrassed laugh and says he hadn't thought of that. He walks out.

PINE VALLEY JAIL

Erica walks up to Greenlee's cell. Greenlee is sitting dejectedly on the bunk. When she sees Erica, she rolls her eyes and asks: "What're YOU lookin' at?" Erica: "EVIL. INCARNATE." Greenlee throws her head back and cackles with glee, just like an evil witch. She agrees she's right up there with Attila the Hun. Erica speaks plainly and deliberately as Greenlee frowns: "You listen to me, you nasty, poor excuse for a woman. You say one word about my daughter -- one WORD -- and I will find you and I will ruin your life. And don't think I can't or that I WON'T. You may be able to bully a child, but you have never met anyone quite like ME. And as for Leo, he is well rid of you, and by now I'm sure he's completely over you. Get used to this feeling, Greenlee. This is your life." She confidently teeters off. Greenlee: "You don't scare me. And I'm NOT losing Leo to ANYBODY."

ON THE NEXT AMC:

Ryan makes the following announcement as we see Dimitri, Erica, Laura, Leo, Greenlee, Woodruff, Jackson and Bianca: "Princess Andrassy and I would like to welcome you to the fourth annual Crystal Ball!"

Liza to Adam: "I will marry you -- tonight!"

Vanessa to Hayley: "You're harboring some secret about Arlene, and I know what it is."

David holds Dixie's face in his hands, then passionately gloms onto her waiting mouth.

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "it's time for the Crystal Ball Dissection!" Coutellier

2000: BC - Tue, 12/26/00

Why did Tad and Dixie stop at the Valley Inn on their way home from a hotel (not to mention shopping) in New York? How did the boys get home ahead of them? Has Jack been standing in the Valley Inn lobby all this time?

Where did Bianca's bathrobe materialize from, Santa Claus?

Quick, someone kick the CD-player in the tower -- it's STUCK! And while you're wielding your steel-toed boots, send some kicks in the direction of Ryan and Gillian. What a couple of putzes!

How did all those Christmas carolers get past Erica's personal security guards? Oh, wait, it's Opal and her entourage. So, like I said ...

Did anyone else think of Cristina Crawford in the movie "Mommie Dearest" when Bianca was telling Erica that she wasn't the only person in the room? The words that come to my mind are: "Because I am NOT--ONE--OF--YOUR--FAAAAAAANNNNNSSS!!!!!" The scenes with Bianca and Erica were riveting! I felt so bad for BOTH of them! Erica is being completely thoughtless as far as Bianca's feelings go, but her EXTREME denial is fascinating to watch.

Now, we all knew immediately (as did Tad) that the crystal champagne glass was from Leslie, but did Dixie really swallow the story of a vendor sending it to Tad -- at his PARENT'S house?

Robin "oops -- does anyone have a broom and dustpan?" Coutellier

2000: BC - Detailed Friday Update, 12/22/00 (BIANCA COMES OUT TO ERICA)

[NOTE: This update is extra long because it contains a lot of direct quotes from some very powerful scenes involving Bianca.]

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Mateo, Hayley, Liza and Adam crowd around the front door as Derek tells Adam: "I have a few questions I need to ask you about the whereabouts of Arlene Chandler."

At the Valley Inn, Jack asks Erica: "What, exactly, did Hayward say?" Erica: "He actually said something really OBSCENE about Bianca and her roommate, Sarah!"

Bianca opens the front door to go meet Erica at the Valley Inn, but sees Sarah on the doorstep: "Sarah!"


VALLEY INN LOBBY

Erica thanks the reporters for being there and promises excitement about the new Enchantment campaign. She urges them to pig out at the buffet while they wait for her beautiful daughter, Bianca. Bruce, the prima-donna photographer, mutters about Erica's damn kid always screwing things up. Erica accosts him as his mouth bulges with hors d'ouevres. She angrily asks what he's doing there, since he's no longer working on the campaign. He says he's working for one of the trades now.

Brooke walks up to Jack and says hello. He jokingly asks if she's cover Erica's hoopla for Tempo, but she says she's just there for lunch. Brooke asks what Erica is up to and he says she's about to introduce Bianca as part of their mother-daughter campaign. Brooke gets angry and says Erica SHOULD be introducing her daughter to a THERAPIST! She needs help, considering SHE'S the one who pushed Laura overboard! Jack gives his patented upper-body sway/head-tilt 1/2 twist and asks if Erica knows this. She says yes, but Erica is in her usual denial and Bianca is suffering as a result. Erica walks up: "How DARE you!"

Jack steps in before any real damage can be done and tells Brooke that he has a hard time believing the story. She says it's all over the news that Libidozone had been given to almost everyone one the yacht. Bianca saw Leo and Laura kissing, got jealous and pushed Laura overboard. Erica protests that there was NOTHING between Leo and Bianca, so there was no jealousy, thus no motive. Jack pulls Erica to the side to have a "private" chat. Jack tells her that he HAS read the news reports AND he was there and was affected himself, if she will recall. Erica: "Affected so much that you would push somebody overboard?" He tells her to hear him out. He says maybe Bianca was affected by the drug and saw Leo and Bianca kissing. He stumbles over his words a little before finding his stride: "I think that maybe Bianca doesn't have feelings for Leo. I think maybe she has feelings for Laura." Erica: "Are you out of your MIND?" This catches the attention of a reporter, who starts scribbling, and both Erica and Jack clam up temporarily. They start up again, albeit more quietly. Jack: "I am not saying that I believe Brooke's story about Bianca pushing her into the water. What I'm saying is we have been seeing certain signs from your daughter and from other people. Now, your daughter is obviously struggling, honey. Bianca is struggling with something. It's clear. Now, I'll tell you what I think she's struggling with. Her sexuality." Erica blinks at him in consternation, then puncheslaps him. She glares at him, then totters unsteadily through the crowd of reporters, rubbing her hand. [As I watched the odd way she trotted out, especially in that dress with that hairstyle, I couldn't help but think of Sally Field in Soap Dish :-)] Brooke stares at Jack, who appears to be trying to realign his jaw.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Bianca, wearing a sparkling navy dress to match her mother's dress, asks Sarah what she's doing there. After making sure Erica isn't home, Sarah asks to come in. She's bearing a gift. She looks around and nervously says the house was what she expected, then comments that the dress is not Bianca's usual afternoon attire of t-shirts and sweatpants. She hands the gift to Bianca. Bianca asks if she's trying to make her cry. Sarah gets serious and begs her to open it. Bianca sadly takes it to the side and opens it. It's a new journal. Sarah: "For your new memories." Bianca stares at her, still hurt and bitter over Sarah's betrayal of planning to get married. Sarah stares up at Erica's portrait and says "She's everywhere, isn't she?" Bianca snaps that it's HER house! She demands to know why Sarah drove all the way down from Boston -- surely to give her the Christmas present? Something happened, didn't it? Sarah admits that's true. Her mother sort of lost it after Bianca had left her hotel room. She seemed afraid that Sarah would run away with Bianca, so she moved the wedding up -- to tomorrow! She thinks that will seal the deal and that will be that. Sarah says it will be good for her mother and good for Ian. Bianca asks what about her? Sarah says she guesses she's letting other people decide about that. Bianca heaves a sigh of frustration and asks what this is about -- is she asking--? Sarah says yes and begs for Bianca's help.

Bianca wants to know how she can possibly help. Sarah whines: "I can't believe this is happening to me!" Bianca: "Sarah, nothing is happening to you that you can't stop!" Did Ian try to do something to her? No, he wouldn't hurt her or anybody else. Bianca: "Well, then what do you want from me? You BROKE UP with me. I told you what I want, what I would do to make it happen, and you're marrying Ian tomorrow!" Sarah protests that she doesn't WANT that. Bianca tells her SHE has to change it, but Sarah says she can't do that -- she's not as strong as Bianca. Sarah: "My mother keeps telling me that everything is going to be fine, that my wedding day will be the happiest day of my life. Except -- that's already happened -- with you." Bianca looks at Sarah with angry hurt and her voice trembles as she says: "So what? Do you want me to make up your mind for you?" Sarah: "I want YOU! I want what we had! I want that with YOU. And I'll never be what my mom wants me to be! Maybe you can pull that off with your mom, but _I_ can't!" Bianca: "Whoa! You think I'm who my mom wants me to be?" Sara points out that Bianca is even starting to dress like Erica [heh, heh, heh]. Bianca says that she wouldn't be there if Sarah had come with her that afternoon in New York -- she's here doing this now because she doesn't have Sarah. Sarah tearfully says: "I'm here now." Bianca is stunned, but hopeful. She asks what Sarah is REALLY saying, because she couldn't take it if Sarah didn't REALLY mean it! Sarah says she can't marry Ian tomorrow. Bianca shakes her head and steps toward Sarah as Sarah says: "Not unless you help me through it! [I'm beginning to see why Erica doesn't like this girl] Help me to be strong, like you are!" Bianca, let down once again, resignedly says: "Sarah, what are you trying to do to me?" [Yeah, what she said!] Sarah says that Bianca can pull this off -- she can stay in Erica's house and be anything her mom wants her to be for as long as she needs to do it. Then she can move on and be herself. Sarah says that Bianca gave her an out that day -- she would have run away with her. Obviously Bianca is strong and can survive ANYTHING! Sarah: "I CAN'T!" If Sarah had said yes that day, Bianca would have gone with her. Bianca explodes: "But you DIDN'T -- NOW LOOK AT ME!!!" Bianca turns away. Sarah says they both know it's not going to stay this way forever, but she doesn't have it in her to be who she is -- she has to be somebody else. Bianca grits her teeth and says she doesn't know what Sarah wants from her. Sarah: "I want you to say it's going to be ok. I want you to tell me that I'm not going to be unhappy for the rest of my life! I want you to let me go." [Huh? I don't know about Bianca, but I think _I'm_ getting whiplash] Bianca: "Sarah -- I can't do that. I love you and that has never changed, not for one minute!" Sarah says that's why she knows Bianca is going to be ok. She can say what she feels and OWN it! She'll be able to tell her mother the truth one day because she believes what's in her own heart -- Sarah CAN'T! Bianca turns on her and darts her tear-filled eyes, saying that Sarah is SO WRONG about her! Sarah came there for her help, but she can't even help herself!

Bianca asks Sarah if she's BLIND! What is it that Bianca is able to do that Sarah is not? Bianca can't tell her mother she is gay -- not now, not ever, because her mother would fall apart. She knows because she's tried! Bianca: "I have tried to say, 'Mom, I want you to know who I am. I want you to know Sarah because I know that if you could see how special she is, there is no way that you couldn't love her, too.' My mom can't accept who I am, Sarah, and you won't accept us, so where does that leave us?" Sarah: "You'll be able to tell her. You're strong enough to do it. I know you are!" Bianca: "Sarah, would you just shut up? I'm not strong! You're not strong! The only thing that is strong here is our FEAR, and it's winning, Sarah! We're letting it win!" Bianca spins and walks across the room.

Sarah brings up a memory of them breaking out of the school to play on the swingsets at the school next door, and Bianca saying she was trying to kick the stars. Bianca: "Yeah. And you said I couldn't." Sarah: "And you said you could do anything. That's the difference between you and me [...] I still love you." Bianca: "I know. I know you do." They both gulp and stare painfully at each other. Sarah steps toward Bianca and they desperately hug each other, crying. Bianca closes her eyes and caresses the back of Sarah's head, cherishing Sarah and the moment as if it were their last. When she opens her eyes, she sees Erica standing in the doorway. Erica's face falls and she looks like she's going to hurl as she gives Bianca a questioning head tilt.

As a horrified Erica watches, Bianca suddenly breaks the embrace and steps back in terror like a kid caught playing doctor. Sarah turns around and Erica gathers her wits and slams the door. Erica demands to know what Sarah is doing there -- hasn't she caused them all enough pain? Sarah stutters that she was just bringing Bianca a gift from Boston. Erica says maybe she didn't make herself clear in NY -- Sarah is NOT welcome in her home, even WITH a gift! Bianca finds her voice again and steps forward, begging Erica not to do this. Erica blazes ahead, castigating Sarah for detaining Bianca while a dozen reporters wait for her debut at the Valley Inn. Bianca pleads with Erica not to do this right now. Erica asks if she has to call her personal security guards to make SURE that she leaves? [Erica has security guards? They aren't very effective, considering anyone at all can come to her door and people routinely let themselves in to lie in wait for her] Bianca yells at Erica to STOP! Sarah dives for her purse/backpack and says it's okay, she's leaving. Sarah says to Bianca: "I'm sorry I came here." Erica: "You should be!" Sarah shakes her head beseachingly at Bianca: "I never meant to hurt you. I never did, not for a minute!" Bianca stares as Sarah turns to walk out, then calls to her: "No, Sarah, WAIT! We have to talk!" Erica desperately tosses in: "We have to get to the Valley Inn, honey!" "NOOO!!!" Bianca shrieks! She looks quickly back and forth between Sarah and Erica and seems to make a decision. She walks over to Sarah and whispers: "Sarah, THIS IS IT. This is it. We can DO this! We can -- we can do this NOW, Sarah. You don't HAVE to get married! You don't have to --" Sarah frantically looks between Bianca and Erica and bolts out the door. Bianca screams: "Sarah!" She stares, devastated, at the closed front door.

Erica nervously walks over to Bianca and picks all around the lower half of Bianca's dress, twittering about the stylist smoothing it all out. [I notice that Erica's dangling forelock is on the opposite side of the face from the one that Bianca wears.] Bianca just stands there, catatonic. Erica reaches out and caresses her face, turning it toward her, telling her that she doesn't have to worry about anything -- Mommy's here! She can't wait to show her to the world. The limo is waiting and Uncle Jack is waiting. She tells her how much she loves her. Erica: "You know what else? Your father would have been so proud of you! Oh, he would have loved to see you JUST this way!" Through it all, Bianca stares at her without uttering a sound, her pain palpable. Bianca slowly turns and walks across the room. She picks up the journal and stares at it, knowing it represents all her lost hopes and dreams of love with Sarah, and the end of something bigger. The silence is deafening [so much so that I keep backing it up to make sure I don't inadvertently have the TV on mute or that the speakers aren't suddenly broken]. Erica finally calls Bianca's name, tentatively, worry and dread written all over her face. Bianca puts the journal down and turns, staring for a long time at Erica. There's still complete and utter silence -- not even a swish of a matching dress. She turns back to Erica and slowly reaches up to her right hear. Her sorrowful eyes never leaving Erica's face. There's something new in her eyes now, though: determination. She pulls the earring off, then pulls the other one off. Erica, afraid to say anything, but knowing she must, asks Bianca what she's doing. Bianca seems to be trying to muster all her courage to say something.

ADAM'S HOUSE

Adam tells Derek that he and Arlene are divorced now and there's really no further need for contact. Now if he'll excuse them, they were just on their way out to be remarried. Derek says he needs to talk to Arlene and needs to know where she is. Adam says he doesn't know and doesn't care. Ever the loyal daughter, Hayley makes a face and says he knows EXACTLY where Arlene is, he just came from seeing her! Why doesn't he just tell Derek here to find her? Derek rolls his head back and gives Adam a challenging go-ahead-and-feed-me-more-bullshit--I-won't-believe-you-anyway-you-degenerate-scum-sucking-bottom-feeding-maggot-from-hell look. [Of course, Derek also gives that look to grandmothers, nuns, newborns and passing airplanes, so that doesn't really mean anything. I'll bet it goes over really well when he asks women out -- no wonder this man never gets laid!]

They all move into the living room like they are being herded by a border collie. Adam admits it wasn't a social call -- he had tracked Arlene down to sign the divorce papers, she complied and he didn't look back. He certainly doesn't want to look back today, on the day he and Liza are starting over! Surely Derek can understand THAT! Derek says he understands that Adam still hasn't told him where Arlene is. Adam says she was in Amsterdam the last her heard. They met at a coffee house to sign the papers -- it was arranged by their attorneys, and he doesn't have her address. He knew it was the last 10 minutes he would ever have to think about her -- it IS the last time, right? Derek asks if he knows tht Stuart filed a missing person's report on Arlene. Adam and Marian are visibly stunned by this new piece of information. Derek informs them that Arlene left her stuff at the Pine Cone Motel, except for a valuable painting that Stuart had given her. Marian explains that she was very upset with Arlene after what she had done to Stuart last summer, so Stuart probably didn't tell them because he knew they wouldn't be sympathetic to Arlene's situation. Derek says Stuart called and dropped the missing person's report the night before because he had heard Arlene was in Amsterdam and assumed she was okay. Adam gets pissed off because that means Derek already knew the answer before he even came to the house and was just trying to test them!

Derek wants to know why and how she left the country with nothing but the clothes on her back. Do any of them find that out-of-character for Arlene? Hayley finds it VERY out-of-character because her mother hoards everything, especially because she never has anything for very long. Adam points out that Arlene hasn't been sober since Nixon was in office, so what would be so unusual about her leaving everything behind when she skips town? Derek watches him with puffed-out cheeks, but appears to be swallowing his lips as his eye twitches. Adam protests that all this insinuation and innuendo are demeaning, and they have a WEDDING to go to! He moves to leave. Derek ignores him, sits down in front of their white Xmas tree, and asks if anyone saw Arlene on the yacht the night of the fundraiser. Mateo rubs his face in his hands. Hayley opens her mouth and looks under and up at Mateo. Liza, Adam and Marian all give each other broad, worried, conspiratorial looks. No one says anything and Derek says it's not a rhetorical question. Derek tells them that a very expensive necklace was stolen that night and wants to know if any of them know anything about it. Hayley remembers choking Arlene and seeing that Arlene was wearing just such a necklace. Hayley chokes out a guttural sound and covers her face. Everybody stares at her.

After some other scenes and commercials, we return to the Chandler living room where everyone but Mateo is inexplicably ignoring Hayley and staring at Derek while Hayley tries to compose herself and Mateo suggests he gets her out of there (she declines). Adam: "Although it makes me all warm inside knowing that Palmer Cortlandt is out half a million dollars, it doesn't really concern us." None of them saw Arlene on the yacht that night. They were in the midst of a major battle with Arlene then, and if any of them had seen her, they would have noticed -- she's hard to miss! Derek agrees, then asks why Marian told Vanessa she had seen Arlene on the yacht that night. Marian vehemently denies telling Vanessa any such thing! Vanessa is a liar and Marian has no idea what she's talking about.

Hayley leaves the room and Mateo follows. She takes deep breaths, then tells Mateo that she saw Arlene wearing the necklace that night -- that must be how she got the money to get out of the country. She has to tell Derek! Mateo says they have to be sure and she spits out that she IS sure. Hayley bursts back into the room and tells Derek there's more.

Hayley tells Derek that she DID see Arlene on the yacht that night and she WAS wearing the stolen necklace. Adam sputters that Hayley can't say that, she was DRUGGED and hallucinating! Mateo yells at Adam in a manner that clearly says: "It's over, shut up and let her talk!" Derek wants to hear what she has to say. Adam pulls his finger out of his pocket and points to Mateo, saying: "No, no! That's IT! Mateo, take your wife upstairs." MATEO, do as I say!" Mateo tells her to go ahead and speak. Adam orders LIZA to take her out of there. Hayley yells "No, no, NO!" She wants to tell Derek the truth about everything. Derek: "That would be refreshing." Adam puts the kiebosh on it, saying not in HIS house! If Derek wants to question his daughter or anyone else in his house, he'll need a court order! Derek ignores Adam and tells Hayley she can come down to the station now or she can come later when he gets a subpoena -- it's up to her. She stares. Adam completely loses his composure (you can tell because some hair has fallen into his face) and yells NO, until Derek gets a court order, it's up to HIM! He grabs Derek and yanks him around as he says this last part. He orders Derek to get the hell out of his house! Derek grins maniacally at him, then turns back to Hayley, making REALLY weird faces and simultaneous baring and sucking on his teeth [Mommy, that man is SCARING me!] Still with a twisted smile, he tells Hayley he'll be REALLY interested in what she has to say. He turns back to Adam, saying: "And I WILL hear it!" He walks out as everyone stands still as statues. Hayley: "What just happened here? What do you all know that _I_ don't know?" Amazingly, she is NOT whining OR being sarcastic as she says this. Adam shakes his head. She DID see Arlene wearing the necklace and they ALL know how she knows it -- because she was CHOKING her! Adam: "Is that what you were going to tell Det. Frye, that you were choking your mother to death?" Hayley: "No, I wasn't going to tell him that I was choking her to death because she didn't die ... Right?" They all look away. Hayley turns back to Mateo and demands to know what the hell is going on. Mateo hems and haws and finally says she should know the truth.

Hayley DEMANDS the truth, but before Mateo can continue, Adam spins Hayley around and says that the truth is that her mother came on to her husband and she lost control and choked her. That's only because she got there first -- anybody in the room would have GLADLY choked her FOR Hayley. Marian chimes in that it's true. Hayley says there's more to it. Adam keeps trying to control the situation and Liza urges him to stop. Hayley says she choked her mother, and she passed out. Then she got up and went to Amsterdam, right? Adam saw her there, right? Mateo says no, he DIDN'T see her there. He takes her hands and tells her he loves her. Adam tells him that if he loves his wife, DON'T say another word! Hayley stares at Adam, then back at Mateo. Mateo takes a breath to say--[oops, scene change ...]

VALLEY INN LOBBY

Jack asks for the attention of the reporters, and gives a yada, yada, yada speech about teenagers being late and thanking them for their patience. Brooke walks up to him and he says he doesn't know why he does it -- she slaps him in public and he helps her fend off the wolves! He says he's either incredibly loyal or incredible stupid -- "Or in love?" Brooke says. She grins and says he never really got over Erica. She hopes that he can help Bianca, because she's not sure her mother can.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Bianca turns her back on Erica, then reachs up and takes the pins out of her hair, pulling it down around her shoulders in it's usual style. Erica puts her face in her hands, then assumes her hands-on-thighs model pose. Desperate to keep Bianca from telling her what she already knows in her heart, she walks over and tells Bianca that she's right -- she has good instincts -- of course her hair should be down. And if her hair is down, then the earrings don't work, but don't worry, they'll (stylists) make everything perfect -- they'll make everything right. Bianca takes off her heels and turns, stone-faced, back to Erica. Erica looks down and asks her what she thinks she's doing. Bianca: "This isn't ME mom -- it never was." Erica asks what look Bianca is going for and babbles about the stylists being magicians. Bianca interrupts and says NO. Bianca: "I have to tell you something." Erica is about peeing in her pantyhose and starts to edge away, saying she has to go -- she can't keep those people waiting any longer than she has. Bianca forcefully states that she's NOT going. Erica shakes her head and says: "Of COURSE you're going. We're going! We're going together! This is what we wanted, the PERFECT mother and daughter for all the world to see!" Bianca: "I don't want the world to see me, mom. I want you to see me." Erica continues to be the Queen of Denial: "But this is what we wanted!" Bianca says no, it's what ERICA wanted -- she NEVER wanted it. She turns her back on Erica again, then unwraps her dress and takes it off, standing in her black slip. Emotional soap opera music starts playing softly in the background. Erica, still dreading what's to come, asks her if she's lost her mind! Bianca turns back to face her and orders Erica to look at her. Erica doesn't want to look at her, she wants her to go! Bianca: "LOOK AT ME!!! I want you to see WHO I AM, mother. Can you see who I am? Can you? I'm trying to show you." Erica: "Oh, honey, there is something wrong. There is something TERRIBLY wrong with you!" Bianca: "No. No. You just won't look." Erica: "I am looking. I'm looking at my daughter standing half naked in my living room when we have a press conference!" She walks behind Bianca and picks the discarded dress off the floor, frantically shaking it out and seeming to focus on it's very threads in an effort to avoid the inevitable as she babbles: "We have dozens of reporters and magazine editors waiting --" Bianca turns to her, pleading: "Mom, were you listening to David when he tried to tell you who I was? Or Uncle Jack?" Erica looks like a trapped rabbit as he eyes blink rapidly and she starts to breathe faster. She turns back to face Bianca and says: "Bianca, what are you doing? What are you trying to say?" She smiles and tries to turn the dress right-side out [so to speak] Bianca sighs heavily. Bianca: "You know. I -- I'm trying to show you who I am. I want you to see who I am. Please. Please. I'm your daughter. Yours and Daddy's." Erica wobbles her head faintly and stares at her with big eyes [reminding me of E.T.] The soap opera music has grown increasingly louder. Bianca: "And I really believe that he would be proud of me, just like you said. Just not for the reasons that you think. Look at me. I'm exactly who you always knew. I'm still your baby and I still love you." Erica's face breaks as she starts to cry and says pitifully: "I don't know exactly who you are right now, honey. I -- I just know that I have to go. I have people waiting for me. I have responsibilities --" she starts to walk toward the door. Bianca turns and cries: "And you have a DAUGHTER who you won't SEE! Is that what you want, Mom? Is it?" Erica stares at her, her mouth working silently. [The music is so loud at this point that it's harder to hear the actors speak. Now I'm thinking of the "queue the music" scene from "The Truman Show".]

CHANDLER LIVING ROOM

Hayley stares at her father like a little girl. Adam says Arlene practially tried to kill her -- she practically ruined her life -- don't let her win NOW! Hayley: "Win WHAT?" He says her mother was impossibly cruel to her, over and over, no matter how many chances Hayley gave her, try to remember that! Hayley: "Was?" Mateo says her dad's right -- her mother never was a good mother, not once to Hayley. She didn't walk off that boat that night. When Hayley choked her, she didn't wake up. Mateo: "She died, Hayley." Hayley plops down on the couch and tries to absorb it. Hayley: "Oh! I killed my own mother?" She stares accusingly at Adam.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica walks back to Bianca and says she doesn't know why she's doing this to her! Erica: "I mean, I'm hanging on by a THREAD here!" Bianca stands stiffly and says: "This is not about YOU, Mom!" Erica whirls: "The HELL it isn't! Well, I'll tell you this! I will not let my COMPANY down and I will not let my FANS down and I will not let MYSELF down! She starts to crack as she exclaims: "I'll just do what I've always done! I'll just do it alone!" She starts to walk away. Bianca cries to her retreating back: "Have you always loved me, Mom? Have you?" Erica cries: "How could you even ASK me a question like that?" Bianca walks over to her and whispers: "Do you love me now?" Erica: "Bianca!" Bianca: "Do you?" Erica: "YES!" Bianca takes a deep breath, closes her eyes for a moment, then opens them and says: "I'm gay." Once again, the silence is deafening. Erica gives the merest hint of a questioning look and Bianca returns an only slightly less subtle nod to indicate that she truly did just say that and she meant it. Erica stares, speechless.

ON THE NEXT AMC:

Dixie walks into the Martin house as two unfamiliar boys [Max and Petey?] yell "Merry Christmas!" and jump up on her like Dino on Fred Flintstone.

Bianca tells Erica's back: "Turn around. Face me. Face who I am."

Liza leans over and tells Hayley: "If you tell the police, we'll ALL go to jail. Now, is that REALLY what you want?" [Gosh, what a supportive step-mother!]

As candles burn [in the tower?] and Gillian leaps into his arms, Ryan whispers: "Merry Christmas, Princess."

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "Merry Christmas, everyone" Coutellier