2001: Detailed Friday Update, 2/2/01

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

A tearful Greenlee to Leo: "Do you really think I needed to know that my parents have been stealing from me? You're an idiot, Leo! You just don't get it!"

Jake to a hospital-gowned Gillian: "The timing doesn't lie. This has to be my child, Gillian."

Leslie to a pensive David: "Get me more of that drug, David, or you will lose EVERYTHING, including the delightful Dixie Martin."

Tad to a silent Dixie: "Did you sleep with him again tonight?"

[First, let me just say that I LOVED Liza turning the tables on the hypocritical, adulterous Dixie]

THE HOLY PATERNAL MARTIN SHRINE

Tad is apparently staying at Joe's house. He answers the door to find Dimitri and Edmund at the door [this HAD to fall on a FRIDAY?] They want to talk to Jake, but Jake isn't home. [The brothers grim look like a couple of bulldogs. I think Dimitri has a chain dangling from his right side, possibly from his choker, which come in hand in the Marick clan] In response to their queries, Tad tells them he and Dixie are having problems. Dimitri says they should be able to work out their problems. Tad says he wouldn't be too sure about that with Hayward slithering around out there. Dimitri, ears ever pricked for info about finding Alex, is startled and wants to know what Hayward has to do with it. Tad says David and his Libidozone are responsible for landing him in his parent's guestroom. He'd give anything to connect David with what happened on Ryan's yacht that night. Edmund tells him that they CAN connect him to the Libidozone. Dimitri kicks in that they have the shipping order from Carlquist Labs in Switzerland, addressed to David Hayward. Tad asks them to help by showing the order to Dixie to make her see who and what David really is.

Tad asks if they aren't going after him. Edmund says that so far they only have the shipping order. Tad wants them to shove it in his face and see what he says. Dimitri tells him that they already did that. David claims he DID receive the drug, but that it was stolen before the party. Tad says he's lying. Edmund says that David swears he was only using it for research, but he stopped the experimentation when Alex objected. Tad says he didn't stop for ANY reason -- he was using that drug for one reason and one reason only -- to get to Dixie. Dimitri agrees and says that Alex got caught in the middle. She must have seen David do something suspicious at the party and he made sure she disappeared. She's been gone for weeks now and they don't have a clue as to where she is. [Weeks? Try MONTHS. Usually they refer to time the other way around.] There's a knock at the door. It's Dixie, who is apologizing for the night before. She sees Edmund and Dimitri and, abashed, greets them. She says she didn't realize he had company and makes a move to leave. Tad stops her and says that the brothers grim have very important info about her friend, Dr. Hayward. She's GOT to believe him -- David is NOT the man she thinks he is.

Dixie closes her eyes briefly and says she didn't come there for his latest theory about David. The brothers grim leave, asking Tad to tell Jake. Dimitri is wearing what he probably thinks is a tactful face, but he looks more like an irritated, toothless clown. Dixie asks what's going on and says it's obvious he's up to something with Edmund and Dimitri. Tad says he's not up to anything -- HAYWARD is the one she's got to WORRY about. Dixie closes her eyes again and exhales in exasperation at his one- track mind, then says that Hayward is NOT the one that's LYING to her. He asks how she knows that. She thinks she KNOWS the "man behind the mask", but she doesn't have a CLUE! He says there are a couple of things she doesn't know about Hayward. [I'm noticing that no one but Dixie seems to be using his first name anymore. Kind of reminds me of the OJ trial] Dixie: "And you just can't WAIT to tell me, can you?" Tad plods on, telling her about the drug shipment from Carlquist Labs. She says David orders stuff from there all the time, so what? He tells her it was for Libidozone, and she actually ponders that a moment before shifting her eyes to come up with an excuse for David. Dixie: "Well, so, ok. Guilt by shipping order." She ridicules him for his flimsy "proof" that David is some sort of out-of-control mad person. Tad: "After what happened on that BOAT? COME ON! Dixie thinks there's some sort of logical explanation (but her eyelids are starting to flutter. Tad says he used it for a little pet project, which is destroying their MARRIAGE. Dixie says she's NOT going to listen to this. Tad: "Why do you defend him? Why do you refuse to see what everyone else knows?" She asks why he's so intent on revenge [maybe because David is so intent on schtupping you?] And to drag Dimitri and Edmund into it? Tad says they weren't dragged into ANYTHING -- they happen to think David has something to do with Alex's disappearance. Dixie thinks that's ludicrous! Tad: "No, it's true. Alex knew that Hayward had the Libidozone. Then all of a sudden, she vanishes? Hello?" Dixie's eyes flutter madly and she shrugs her shoulders at the absurdness of his accusations. She asks if there's more. He says yeah, there is -- there's Leslie. Dixie gets snide: "Yes, there is Leslie." He says he thinks Leslie was David's accomplice. Dixie's eyes don't blink at all as, arms folded, she says: "So between the drug lord and the vixen, you're quite the victim, aren't you?" [I didn't see, but I think her toe was tapping and a rolling pin was nearby] He says that's not what he meant. She points out that Leslie is David's LAWYER, not his partner in CRIME! [I will stifle myself here in deference to our loyal legal fans] She changes tack slightly and says she came to apologize for what happened last night and to see if they could work things through. Tad: "How do you propose we do that when you refuse to see the truth?" Dixie spits out a little huff of frustration and tilts her head at him.

Dixie says she knows the truth. He slept with Leslie and he lied about it. He said he stopped seeing her and he lied about it. He has explanations and accusations and conspiracy theories all over the place. Dixie: "It's -- I'm tired of it, Tad. You blame David for everything that's wrong with US. It's got to stop!" Tad's voice breaks as says he's trying to save their marriage. She says he's NOT, he's just competing with David. He says yes, he is, and he's LOSING because he shows her the side that he wants her to see and it's NOT the truth. Tad: "Whether you want to believe it or not, he's a very dangerous man, and I'm afraid he's going to hurt you." Dixie: "Like you hurt me?" He stares at her for a moment, then gets back on track. Through gritted teeth, Tad says: "He's USING you." Dixie bobbles her head as she earnestly says: "He's a good man! Don't you know how hard it was for him to operate on his mother last night? I mean, that took a lot of personal dedication and -- and courage. Are those the traits of a madman?" Tad stares at her, then calmly says: "All right. I'll shut up about David. But you do ME a favor. Ask him about Libidozone." Dixie: "Why? Why should I?" Tad: "Because if you don't, he's just going to go on manipulating you." [like her asking him is going to stop him!] Dixie: "David will hurt me? David will lie to me? All the things that YOU'RE guilty of, Tad. I just can't listen to it anymore." [she never does] She turns and walks out, slamming the sacred Martin front door. Tad turns glumly away.

DAVID'S OFFICE, WHERE THE ABC.COM PAINT PEELS FROM THE CAUSTICITY

David calls Dixie just to hear her voice. She asks about Vanessa, but he says he's much more concerned about her, considering he Medi-Vac'd her into an ambush last night: "Liza, Palmer, the Martin boys. What was I thinking?" She says she was glad she was there because she got to see all his courage [oh BARF!] -- she got to see him save his mother's life last night. He says he did it for her. She says he did it for a deeper reason -- for himself [not so deep, then]. Leslie chooses that moment to barge into his office, trilling: "Oh, Doctor! You've got to fix my broken heart!" Leslie: "I CAME for my Libidozone!" [I thought it was the other way around]

In their next scene, David is on the phone again, telling someone that the new temp is not working out. He demands that they find a secretary with a BRAIN and slams the phone down. Leslie heaves a sigh and tells him that he promised her a batch of Libidozone and she wants it NOW. He says he was in the OR all night. She doesn't believe him. David: "My mother was SHOT, Leslie, a bullet lodged in the heart!" Leslie leans over and in a ridiculing, yet conspiratorial manner says: "And you didn't finish her off on the table?" He tells her to come back tomorrow. Leslie: "No, we had a DEAL." David: "You mean blackmail?" Leslie: "Whatever." She threatens to tell Dixie EVERYTHING if he doesn't deliver. David: "What makes you think that Dixie's going to believe anything coming from the SLUT who slept with her husband?" Leslie: "Oh, I can be very convincing." David: "Yeah, right! If you need an APHRODISIAC to hold on to Tad, maybe you should give it up." Leslie: "No, he just has Dixie on the brain. The only way that I can remind him that we were made for each other --" David: "Yeah, is to drug him out of his gourd so that he'll relive the sodden sex on that yacht? Ooh, how romantic." She says she is THISCLOSE to getting the man she wants and she will NOT give up! She gets girlish and pouts that he said he would help her. He says he made another batch, gesturing to something on his desk. They both dive for it. David: "But I changed my mind. I'm not giving you Libidozone, Leslie." [Good strategy -- she needs some Thorazine with a Zoloft chaser, STAT!] She thinks she realizes what he REALLY wants, and asks how much money it will cost. He shakes his head. They both still have their hands on the container.

Leslie: "You want me to beg?" David: "Well, that would be nice to see someday at the appropriate time, but not now." He says he's not giving her an illegal drug -- it's unscrupulous. Leslie: What, has your MISTRESS been teaching you SCRUPLES? He waves a vial around and tells her not to make him call Security. Leslie: "Listen, you had no trouble using that drug before. Don't expect me to believe that you're having a crisis of conscience!" David, with all the sincerity of a used car salesman after you've finished telling him about your hemorrhoids, says: "I made a lot of mistakes that I have profoundly regretted." Leslie: "Yes, I'm going to profoundly regret regaling Dixie with all the sordid details of how you orchestrated her seduction." David: "She won't believe you." Leslie taunts him: "You want to take that chance? Think about it, David. Will she still look up at you with those adoring eyes? Will she still beg you to hold her, to make love to her?" She lunges at the vial and spews: "I don't think so!" David grips her hand and makes lots of eye contact when he says: "You DON'T want to cross me, Leslie." She stares at him with a look of grim determination. [Little side story here: Back in the late 70s, I came out of the ladies room at work to find myself face-to-ass with the guy repairing the copier machine. He was wearing those fabulously tight "Angel's Flight" pants and had a FANTASTIC ass! I admired it for a while, smiled to myself and went back to my desk where someone was waiting for me. He looked at me and jumped back a little, feigning fright. "What?" I said, taken aback by the look on his face, "What's wrong?!" He told me that he didn't know, just that I had a look of "grim determination" on my face. ROTFL!!! Ah, memories!]

PINE VALLEY HOSPITAL/CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION DISPENSARY

Myrtle, clearly volunteering based on the overblouse she's wearing that one usually finds in the Montgomery Ward Old Lady Housecoat dept, greets Jake. Her hair is so brilliantly red that sparks are flying off of it. She says he's very bright-eyed for a fellow who was up so late last night. She's heard about Vanessa. She also knows he went to a bar with his father and brother. He wonders if she has a crystal ball, but she says she had a chat with his father. Jake leans over and asks if Joe told her that Gillian is pregnant. Isn't that great? There's going to be another Martin running around by the end of the summer. Myrtle fakes a bright smile and roles her eyes a little, stammering his name as he tells her to be happy for him. [Am I the only one starting to hear the refrain from Al Bundy's favorite TV show, "Psycho Dad!"?] She says she wants him to be happy, but isn't it a bit too soon? [in her head: "Considering Ryan and Gillian screw more times a day than the air-powered lug-nut driver at a 24-hour tire outlet?"] He says he missed so much with Colby [Oh, PULEEZE! You took her for visitation so often that the Pope is investigating!], and this time it's going to be different! He's going to be with this baby from the beginning and it's going to have the best care and most love from day one. He speaks reverently of burping and diapering. She says he was so hurt when he lost Colby and warns him not to put all his hopes on this baby; is he sure it's HIS baby? He's positive -- he FEELS it [Gillian's fetus: "In the womb, no one can hear you scream, but I AM screaming!"] He looks beatific and serene. She reminds him that Gillian and Ryan are together now. He says he and Gillian DID love each other and they created this child. She says that even if that's true, R&G will be married and raise the child together -- RYAN will be the legal father.

After talking to Gillian, Jake turns back to Myrtle and asks what she thinks of naming the child "Ruth" if it's a girl. She tells him Ruth would probably tell him not to rush things. He says he just spoke to Gillian, and she's coming over to talk. Myrtle asks how she's taking it. He says she's in shock, but he thinks she's going to come around. She once again tells him that Gillian is going to marry Ryan -- she's making plans that DON'T INCLUDE HIM! He says that's why he's going to insist on paternity tests. If he IS the father, he's going to insist on shared custody. Myrtle: "Whether she wants to or not?" He walks from behind the nurses desk and motions her over to the waiting benches in the hallway [I don't know why, since there wasn't anyone at the desk but him]. He says he is the father of this child and Gillian is just going to have to accept it. Myrtle: "What if she says no?" Jake: "Well, I don't even want to think about that now, but I do have legal options." Myrtle tells him that when you had the awful battle about Colby, it tore him apart, sent him to Chechnya, and he lost Gillian. She couldn't bear to see him going through that pain again! Jake: "Myrtle, I will do anything for my child." Myrtle: "I know you would. I mean, you chose to lose Colby rather than drag the baby through a horrible, ugly court case. And you can't -- you mustn't do the same thing to this baby." Jake says there there won't be a struggle this time because Gillian and he are going to do what's best and make the right decisions. Jake: "And it's different. This baby's my own FLESH AND BLOOD, and Colby wasn't." Myrtle asks if this about the baby, or if he's hoping to hold on to Gillian. Jake: "I know I've lost Gillian." Myrtle: "Yeah, but here, right there [she taps on his chest] -- do you think maybe if you share the baby you might keep the relationship with Gillian alive?" Jake: "I don't know. I just want her to be happy." Myrtle: "Well, happy about the baby or about you being the father? Jake, darling, don't expect too much!" Jake: "I want to be a part of my child's life." Myrtle: "Yes, but that's for another time. But right now, don't push Gillian, or you're going to drive her away!" She leaves and says the offer of a cup of tea with her is open.

THE GOOD SHIP SCREW-ME

Leo walks into the main cabin and Ryan asks after Vanessa's health and tosses in that he and Gillian are praying for her [somehow, praying is not what comes to mind when these two get on their knees]. Leo says it's touch and go and that he could use another prayer because Adam was acting like a bear grilling Vanessa about Hayley and Leo told him to beat it. Ryan says, in that case, prayers won't help. Leo switches the subject to Stan Berringer, their investment guru, who says they are already seeing returns. Leo reinvested his profits, except for the $1k he used for his date with Laura. Gillian enters wearing an ugly gray skirt and a bulky foreign-flavored top (Russian? Asian?) They hug and she smiles wanly.

Ryan pours Gillian some coffee or tea, commenting that 4 sugars are coming up. Leo gags and Ryan explains that it's a Hungarian thing. Gillian declines the drink. He asks if she's dizzy again and she says she's fine. He picks her up and twirls her around [not like a baton, but that would be kind of cool, wouldn't it?], offering champagne, caviar and anything else she wants. He suggests Valentine's Day for getting married and she points out that she's not divorced yet. He says he knows that, but she WILL be any day and they she'll be ALL his! Smooches. Laura skips in (without knocking). Leo puffs his cheeks like he's holding in a monumental burp and gives her the shush sign, pointing to the lip-locked couple. Not wanting to break the trance of the love-struck couple, she walks up to them and asks if she's interrupting. Ryan says everything is going great and a little love can't hurt. Having successfully pried them apart, she offers to leave. Leo tells her to wait for him -- all this mushy stuff is bad for his stomach. Ryan asks her to stay and go over projections with him since she's going to do their PR photos.

The phone rings and Gillian gets it. It's Jake, who has relapsed and, once again, is incapable of pronouncing the L's in her name. He wants to come and see her right now. She says it's not a good time. He states that she's pregnant with his child. Gillian says ok-ok, but not HERE. He gets sanctiMartinous [kudos to Aisling (I think) for that word!], sputtering indignantly that she hasn't told Ryan yet! She asks where he is. He says she HAS to tell Ryan what's going on, then says she's on her way, hanging up on him. Ryan innocently inquires as to the nature of the call and she says it was the Library -- she had ordered a book and its come in, so she's going to leave to pick it up. She quietly asks him if he knows how much she loves him. Really. Honestly. Truly. For sure. You betcha. Ryan: "I do know -- every single minute of every single day. They smooch some more and Leo points at them, telling Laura: "Hey! You see my working conditions? It's a real strain."

Gillian leaves and Ryan spins to tell Leo and Laura their next big assignment. They are going to hold a contest and participants are going to submit their most romantic dream, just in time for Valentine's Day! Can Laura work with Leo on this? She says she's doing this job as Independent Study and doesn't have classes [how convenient], so she's all his. They decide to go to the Valley Inn for Eggs Benedict to discuss it.

PINE VALLEY BAR AND GRILL

Greenlee hesitantly walks in and says good morning to Woodruff, who is sitting at a table with her father, Roger. She says she didn't know her father was going to be there and Woody says he didn't know until just that morning. Roger asks if she's been keeping out of trouble. She crosses her arms and asks why he's there and he says he's just passing through -- he's sorry he didn't have her number. she looks hurt, then bucks up and says: "Don't bother, ok, you never call." He says a course in anger management might do her some good. She says: "I'm not angry, I just -- never mind. Are you staying overnight? Maybe we could have dinner." Roger: "I'm leaving just as soon as Woody and I finish our business." Greenlee: "Does what I feel even MATTER to you, Daddy?" Roger: "You know, you mustn't take this so personally, dear. It's not healthy." Greenlee: "I just wish I could see more of you. Well, how's Mother? Does she like Spain?" He tells her Mumsy is back in San Diego and he's going to join her in a couple of hours. Woody stands up and awkwardly says he has calls to make and suggests they have breakfast and catch up. Greenlee's eyes are dark and somewhat unreadable, but readable enough that we know she is hurt and intimidated, yet strong and determined. She asks if he's still mad at her. He says the charges were dropped and she hasn't killed anyone, at least not yet, he presumes. She says she meant about what Leo said about her trust fund. Roger pretends he doesn't know what she's talking about and then remembers, telling her not to be ridiculous -- he's forgotten all about that (i.e., he's not mad about something that is so clearly her fault and Leo's fault). Greenlee: "Then why are you punishing me?"

Greenlee: "Daddy, Leo said some horrible things, and when you left you were so angry." Roger: "Oh, that's right! He accused me of plundering your trust account. [he chuckles indulgently] Impudent! But then that sort always is." Greenlee: "What 'sort' is Leo?" Roger: "The Eurotrash pretty boy who never met an heiress he didn't like. I hope you've kept your distance. She says Leo's not like that. She hesitates and looks down, then says that she trusts him. Roger looks incredulous and somewhat insulted: "You can't possibly believe him, that I would stoop so low as to pilfer my own child's trust account?" Greenlee looks at him searchingly, then smiles hopefully as she says: "I know you love me too much to do something like that." He gives a hesitant look of his own.

Leo and Laura walk in. He stops for a moment to take in the sight of Greenlee and her father at a table. L&L are both distracted by Greenlee and her father and Laura asks if she should try somewhere else. Leo says no. It's not Greenlee, it's her DAD -- he can't believe that loser's back in town already. Laura. "Hmmm. SO what's the brainstorm?" Leo orders 2 cappuccinos and 2 Eggs Benedict. [I suddenly have a craving for scrambled eggs, but I'm out of eggs. I have a craving for chocolate, too, which I'm also out of.] He says Laura now has his undivided attention. What should they name the contest? She suggests "The Dream Weaver Contest". Leo [who really needs a haircut right about now] runs with that: "That's not bad. That's not bad. All our dream weavers will submit their most impossibly romantic dreams?" Laura: "And their dreams come true, courtesy of IncredibleDreams.Com." Leo: "Well, within reason, of course. I mean, there's no honeymoons on Mars or fathering Julia Roberts' child or anything like that." She asks if employees can enter and he says no. She says that's too bad and starts to fantasize.

In her fantasy, Laura, wearing a teal, spaghetti-strapped dress, is on the yacht. She smiles as she sees Leo and walks to meet him in front of the large stained-glass mural. He caresses her face, then bends to kiss her. Lights flicker and curtains billow n the breeze. [Actually, it's downright windy -- looks like a Nor'Easter] Sexy music plays as they run on deck. Leo points to something in the distance and whispers something incredibly sexy into her ear. For no apparent reason, they turn to stand among billowing pieces of white canvas. He holds her neck and kisses her again as the wind creates a new part in the back of her head.

Leo calls her name and brings her back to the reality of the bar. She says she was daydreaming. He asks if she minds sharing and she says it was just girlie stuff. She asks if HE has any incredible dreams. Leo: "Yeah, actually, I do. It involves a vat of chocolate and consenting adults." [He and Greenlee may have already made THAT dream come true] They laugh.

Greenlee, hearing them laugh, looks over her shoulder, chagrined. She tells him she's been thinking. Roger, totally serious: "That's always dangerous, dear." Greenlee takes a breath and continues: "Pine valley's such a drag this time of year. You know, the weather's dreary, the yokels are so -- yokel. How about I come to San Diego and visit you and Mommy? Wouldn't that be fun?" Roger: "No, I'm afraid that's not possible." Greenlee: "Why?" Roger: "Your mother's redoing the house." Greenlee: "Again?" Roger: "Feng Shui this time." Greenlee: "Well, I could stay in the guest house. Please, Daddy, let me come home! I swear, I'll stay out of the way!" Roger: "We both know that never happens."

Greenlee viciously snaps her napkin open and slaps it across her lap hard enough to leave welts as she say: "You have no problem with my MONEY. It's just ME you can't stand!" Roger: "Greenlee --" Greenlee lashes out: "You know, I'm your DAUGHTER, not a PIGGY BANK! I'm going to be out of money if Mommy doesn't find a cheaper hobby!" Roger, cooly detached, as always: "Well, I had hoped that we could have a nice --" Greenlee: "You HOPED you could get in and out of town without seeing me!" Roger stands and buttons his jacket, leaving a perfectly tasty meal untouched: "If I hurry, I can catch an earlier flight. Tell Woody I'll call him." Greenlee watches him, hurt. She stares down at her plate and pushes it away, about to cry. Leo excuses himself from Laura and rushes over to Greenlee, who lifts her head up in resignation and asks what he wants. He thanks her for last night and she asks about his mom. Leo: "Thanks to you, I was there when she woke up." Greenlee: "She's going to be all right, then?" Leo: "It takes everything except a silver bullet to get to Vanessa." He asks after HER parental unit. She pastes a brilliant smile on her face and enthusiastically says: "It was a total surprise! He and Mommy miss me so much they want me to come back there for a visit! I'd rather be anywhere than San Diego in February. It's social death, if you know what I mean, but they even redid my room for me. How could I say no?" Her face looks like it's about to crack. Leo: "Liar." Her smile dies and she tells him to leave her alone and stop pretending he gives a damn about her problems. He stares at her thoughtfully.

In the next scene, Leo is back at his table eating eggs and Greenlee is resolutely eating. She stands to leave and Woody comes back asking where her father went. She says he's on a plane to San Diego, the demands an AUDIT of her trust fund -- TODAY! With another look of grim determination [heh, heh], she clomps off, leaving Woody open-mouthed. Laura comments that Leo knows how to make quite an exit. Leo nods and apologizes for being lousy company, and she excuses him, saying he's on the rebound. Leo: "Yeah, I'm a real chick magnet." Laura: "Well, anyone looking to settle down with Mr. Right should keep moving. But good thing I'm just in it for fun." She smiles at him and he sheepishly raises his eyes at her as he sips his cappuccino. [I study her make-up, which very carefully shapes her eyes into a catlike slant. Methinks some feline plastic surgery is in her future, like that really weird rich lady in Manhattan. I can't wait to see what she looks like with whiskers!]

PINE VALLEY HOSPITAL/MARTIN BABY MATERNITY WARD

Gillian shows up and curtly asks what he wants. Jake thanks her for coming and says he just wants to make sure she's ok. She says she's fine. Jake: Are you sure? I mean, because I know that this pregnancy is the last thing that you expected or that you wanted, and you and Ryan have your whole future ahead of you, and --" Gillian drops the curtness and rambles about how unreal it is to be having a baby. He says it IS real and she HAS to tell Ryan. She asks how can she tell Ryan about it when he's so happy? How can she tell him she's carrying JAKE'S child? It will break his heart! [Jake's brain: "Oh boo-hoo!"] He says Ryan loves her and will accept the child, he KNOWS it. Gillian: "Ryan and I are finally free to be together. How can I ask him to accept your child?" Jake: "Well, you just have to think about this baby." Gillian: "Well, all I can think about is Ryan and how unhappy this will make him. If I decide to --" Jake: "GILLIAN, you CANNOT terminate this pregnancy!"

Jake advances on her menacingly enough that she steps back. Jake: "Gillian, TELL me that you're going to have this child!" Gillian: "I haven't thought that far ahead. I still can't believe I'm pregnant! My body feels the SAME. I have NO maternal feelings. Maybe I'll be a terrible mother!" [Jake's brain: "No problemo -- hand the little sprite over to ME! I'll have you declared unfit -- case closed!"] He insists she's a natural, listing motherly things she did with Colby, like dangling necklaces in front of her face. She says it's complicated. He begs her to tell him she's not going to do anything rash. She says she doesn't know WHAT she's going to do. He says the first thing to do is focus on the child and everything else will fall into place. While you're here, why don't you go in and have a sonogram?" She gets angry and says she's NOT ready for that. Jake: "I just think that if you see a picture of the baby, then --" She tells him to knock it off and he apologizes. Then he pushes her to talk to Dr. Clader. Jake: "There's no commitments, there's no decisions, no tests. Just get some advice from him, ok?" She concedes that she liked volunteering in Dr. Clader's office. He pounds the stake in a little further, saying that she has a FRIEND here who is on her side. What's the harm? She agrees there's no harm in talking to Dr. Clader. He tells her to stay there, he'll be right back. He rushes off, presumably to strong-arm Dr. Clader into leaving the baby that's currently crowning in the Delivery Room so he can soothe Gillian. Gillian stares after him, feeling cornered.

Myrtle, quite the busybody today, strolls into the waiting area and greets Gillian. Myrtle asks if she's there to see the doctor. "Doctor?" questions Gillian as she stands in a hospital waiting area. Myrtle says Jake told her the good news and one's got to start taking care of oneself from the moment one knows oneself is pregnant. Gillian is furious: "You know I'm PREGNANT? I can't believe this!" Myrtle: "Oh, it's a secret?" [This from the woman who has dispensed tea and sympathy to young people since before I was born, who gave her daughter up for adoption from the Fanny Battle Home For Unwed Mothers after her lover died in a tragic acrobatic fall in the carny] Gillian: "No! No, he had no RIGHT!" Myrtle: "But, darling, you have to understand he's very, very excited about it!" Gillian whirls on her: "I don't CARE! He shouldn't have DONE that!" [I hope she sues his sorry ass!]

Gillian pleads with Myrtle: "Myrtle, this child isn't his! It CAN'T be. Can you talk to him, please?" Myrtle: "Well, look, darling, I tried, but he's just full of excitement about this baby!" Gillian: "Well, no matter what happens, somebody's going to get hurt. I don't know what to do!" Myrtle: "Darling, look -- look, it's going to work out somehow, but the important thing is, take care of yourself. Promise?" Myrtle chucks her on the chin and walks away. Gillian looks desolate and undecided as she says to the air: "What am I going to do?" She walks out.

Jake and Dr. Clader walk into the waiting area as Jake says: "Well, she hasn't seen a doctor yet and, frankly, she's a little shaky about the pregnancy. But she trusts you." Dr. Clader warmly remembers Gillian volunteering for him. Jake looks around, but doesn't see Gillian. He starts to breathe heavily: "Um -- she was just here."

BACK ON THE YACHT O' DOOM & BAD MANNERS

Dimitri and Edmund, who are apparently attached at the hip now, hop on their three legs into the main cabin. Edmund says they saw the police tape and ask about any news on Vanessa Cortlandt's shooting. Ryan: "No, they're still trying to sort it out. Thank God she's going to be all right! Shooting, the drugged punch, a nearly drowned guest, and your wife's disappearance -- this boat is definitely cursed!" Edmund apparently has a dandruff problem or some other skin condition, because he keeps scratching behind his right ear. [I watch for his leg to start spinning, but it stays curiously inert]. Dimitri uses his hands to sort imaginary library books as he says they've been able to link David Hayward to a Ly-beed-o-zone shipment. Ryan jumps up and says: "I KNEW IT!" Dimitri tells him not to jump the gun -- they need hard evidence to link David to the spiking the punch and Alex's disappearance. They said they didn't find anything in Bristol, which is why they are there -- maybe they missed something. Dimitri excuses himself to answer his cell phone and yells hello so loudly that I jump in my chair. It's Alex who says: "It's Alex."

Dimitri: "ALEX!" Edmund, looking mildly concerned says: "What?" Dimitri: "WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU SAFE?" Alex: "Yeah, I'm fine. I love you." She's standing in a room with wood paneling. There's a gold-toned painting next to her -- looks a little marshy. Dimitri: "WELL, YEAH, I -- I LOVE YOU, TOO. NOW, PLEASE, DARLING, TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!" Alex: "No, not now, darling. I can't." Dimitri: "ALEX, WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Alex looks wary, as if someone might be coming back into the room: "I wish I could tell you, but I can't. Not yet." She hangs up. Dimitri: "ALEX, HAVE YOU BEEN TAKEN AGAINST YOUR WILL? IS IT HAYWARD? DID HAYWARD ABDUCT YOU? ALEX? ALEX!" [All this yelling is giving me a headache -- I don't blame her for hanging up on him] Edmund with no particular interest in the conversation: "What is it?" Dimitri (dropping his voice to a whisper): "Hold on, hold on. I lost her. I lost her again!"

BACK AT DAVID'S OFFICE OF ILL REPUTE

The camera focuses close-up on three hands grappling with the Libidozone vial. [for a moment, I absurdly think it's like a Police Squad movie (I ALWAYS think of Leslie Nielson when I see Dr. Clader, anyway) where there's a 3rd arm there, but it turns out to be 2 of David's roaming hands and 1 of Leslie's] David: "I never should have made this!" He locks it in his flimsy desk drawer. Leslie: "What are you doing?" David: "I'm going to dispose of it later." Leslie: "You can't!" David: "It's not your call." She comes around the desk and tries to grab the key. Leslie: "No!" David: "GET OUT!" Dixie walks up outside David's office and overhears Leslie threatening him: "If you don't give it to me, I will tell Dixie more than she EVER wants to know about you!" Dixie stares at the door, but doesn't seem to react much.

ON THE NEXT AMC:

At the condo, Adam walks up to Hayley, who is still dressed like the slutty Arlene, and lovingly says: "How are you, sweetheart?" He puts his hands on her shoulders and she whips around, slamming him in the gut with her elbow. He keels over, the breath knocked out of him. Mateo stares at them, waiting for his turn to say something.

At the PV Bar and Grill Bianca accuses Erica: "You were a lot younger than I was when you first had sex, weren't you?"

Dixie stands in front of David in his office, eyes down, and says: "I just heard what Leslie said."

Leslie is on the phone in one of the doctor's offices (probably David's) and says to Tad: "It's about David. You were right about him. I'm ready to give you all the proof you need."

Irreverently Submitted

Robin "will Leslie still be in this world come March?" Coutellier

2001: Detailed Friday Update, 1/19/01

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Bianca to Erica (psychiatrist is also in the room): "TELL HER how you feel about having a gay daughter -- TELL HER!!" Erica: "I've never been so frightened of anything in my life!"

Ryan: "I'm giving you that wedding I promised." Gillian: "I could get married in Las Vegas in one of those Elvis places and still be the happiest woman in the world!"

Mateo reads a note next to Hayley, presumably left by Arlene. The note reads: "I am as close as your next breath. I can get to you whenever I want." Mateo: "Oh, my God!"

VALLEY INN BAR AND GRILL

Ryan is on the phone with one of his investors (Stan) and is finding out that it will take $10K to get in on a money-making scheme. Gillian only hears the fringes as she picks up menus and smiles at him. Ryan tells Stan he's in and to meet him at the Valley Inn Bar in 1/2 hour. Ryan tells him that it's better that they keep Gillian in the dark on this [then why aren't you meeting at BJs or something?]

Leo walks in and is surprised to see Gillian working there. She informs him that she's already made $3 in tips! He jokes about it and Ryan says it's mad money. Leo tells her that means it can be spent in a madcap way. She says it's going straight into a savings account where it can confound interest. Ryan corrects her and interjects that his own bank statement is pretty darn confounding. Leo then hands Ryan some faxes and Gillian gets back to work. Leo says he guesses he can't ask for an advance on his salary for a while then. Ryan points out that Leo has a LOT of money since Greenlee bought out his half of the loft. [Huh? Exactly how much money did Leo put into it in the first place? Hmmm, let's see ... multiply by ... carry the 2 ... equals ... NOTHING!] A light bulb turns on over Ryan's head and he asks Leo if he'd like to see that money work for him -- he just got a hot tip on an investment.

Before Leo can answer, Adam interrupts and asks the same question many of us were asking, namely, is Ryan putting in a 1/2 day? Why isn't he on the yacht conducting business? Ryan says he's meeting a client. Adam scoffs at the idea of Leo being a client. Ryan says that Leo is his new assistant. Adam doesn't quite believe it. Leo says he has great people skills and orders Adam to welcome him aboard. Adam asks what kind of scam Leo is trying to pull this time.

Adam says he'd rather gargle glass than have Leo on his payroll. Leo holds out a glass and asks "Straight up on on the rocks?" Ryan snickers. Adam says the last time Leo worked for him, it was a disaster. Leo says it was no picnic for him, either, having to hurt Stuart and Marian. Besides, he doesn't work for Adam, he works for Ryan. Ryan says Leo gets things done -- he's already got the computer network up and running and processing requests faster than they can fill them. Adam says HE's the one who signs the paychecks. Leo promptly pipes in: "You know, I'm glad you brought that up. Since I've proved myself indispensable, I think it's time we talked salary. I was thinking something high five figures with full bennies, of course -- retirement, pension plan, you know." Adam turns to Ryan and says this is the reason his business was in the tank when he took it over. Ryan points out that Adam didn't "take it over", he SOLD it to him, and if he didn't micro-manage every move they make, they might actually be able to get something DONE. Adam gives him until the end of the quarter to get the company in the black or they'll BOTH be out on their butts and he'll get some Silicon Valley guys to take over [they'll be available, too, since we won't have any electricity, so gas can't be pumped to the trucks to take it to the gas stations, whose pumps won't be working to pump it into the vehicles, which will all be stuck at intersections with non-working lights, trying to get to non-existent jobs because no companies will have electricity to run the lights, computers, door locks, telephones, etc. Without gas to power the trucks to bring food to the markets, where it will rot without refrigeration anyway, not to mention skyrocketing prices that we can't pay, in any case, since cash registers won't work, we'll all starve. Look for us to be moving to YOUR state soon. That won't make a lot of difference, though, since the collapse of the California economy will cause the entire US to sink into a depression. Sorry -- I think too much.].

As Greenlee walks in and Adam stalks out, Ryan vows he will NOT lose his company to that man [too late]! Ryan vents to Leo about Adam and Leo tells him he's preaching to the choir. Greenlee's head swivels to them, then over to Gillian waiting on tables. As Gillian strides by her, Greenlee tosses ice on the floor, which causes Gillian to slip. Greenlee grins.

Ryan and Leo help Gillian to pick up the mess on the floor. Leo notices Greenlee and suggests a connection, but Gillian insists she just wasn't looking where she was going. Gillian asks about Adam and Ryan brushes it off as Adam just getting off on power plays. Leo goes over to Greenlee and asks what's she's doing. She says it's a bar and she wants a drink if she can get anyone to wait on her -- it's so hard to get decent help these days. Ryan comes over and asks what she's doing there. Leo: "She's thirsty." Greenlee says she's surrounded by her two favorite men -- she feels like Scarlett O'Hara at the Twelve Oaks barbeque. Ryan says maybe they'll get lucky and someone will start a war. She says she thought Adam just did that. Then she starts in about Gillian being forced to work as a barmaid. Ryan corrects her -- Gillian is a WAITRESS. Leo bends down to her, picks up an olive-spearer and says: "Greenlee, think of something to do with this little plastic swordy thingy-dingy, ok?" He and Ryan walk out, leaving Gillian at Greenlee's mercy.

Outside the bar, Ryan and Leo discuss the investment opportunity -- Ryan is sure enough about it to invest $10k he doesn't even have -- does Leo want in? Leo: "Well, I'm a sucker for two things -- fast women and easy wom-- I mean easy money." They power-shake.

Later, Ryan walks in with Stan Berringer and introduces him to Leo. Stan sizes Leo up and asks if he's a player. Leo thinks for a second as he chomps peanuts and then says he likes the odds. Stan says he'll increase his seed money by tenfold. Leo hands Stan an envelope with $25K and Ryan hands him one with $10K. No paperwork is involved, apparently. Stan says he'll give it to their investor and get in touch in a couple of days. Stan leaves. Ryan tells Leo he is a TRUE bull-artist. Leo says in a couple of days he'll be a true bull-artist with a big, fat wallet. Gillian walks up and asks what was in the envelopes. Leo says that was their cash and pops more nuts into his mouth. Ryan signals over Gillian's head that it was the wrong answer and Leo smoothly continues after swallowing: "Analysis of the advertising rates for ID.com."

Greenlee suddenly starts bellowing: "Hey, you! WAITRESS! I need some SERVICE over here!" They all turn in her direction. Gillian takes a big, annoyed breath and marches over, exhaling loudly before saying: "Is there a problem?" Greenlee viciously snarls: "I ordered a White Russian! This is a Rusty Nail! I demand to see the manager!" Gillian's jaw works and she briefly looks away.

In the meantime, Leo asks if there's a reason why Ryan doesn't want Gillian to know about the deal. For that matter, should HE be worried about it. Ryan says she's just a worrier and he'll tell her later.

The manager has appeared at Greenlee's table and asks Greenlee if there is a problem. Greenlee rags on how Gillian is doing SERIOUS damage to the bar's reputation, bringing the wrong drinks and then getting her grubby fingerprints all over the glass. Gillian points out that they are HER grubby fingerprints. Greenlee leaps on that: "Do you hear the way she speaks to me? How could you tolerate such insubordination?" Man: "Gillian, Ms. Smythe is a highly valued patron of this establishment [apparently he's never seen or heard of Gillian or Dimitri or any of Dimitri's family]. One more incident like this, and you will be terminated!" He tells Greenlee her drinks are on the house and he walks away. Greenlee is happy, giving a smug head tilt ala Marcia Brady. Leo has hovered over the scene and walks to the bar to pick up a Bloody Mary as Gillian asks Greenlee if she's satisfied now. Greenlee says no, but she'll have another drink. She tells her to take that one away and bring her a Bloody Mary. Gillian walks away. Leo pretends to walk past Greenlee's table toward something else, then whirls and "accidentally" spills the drink all over Greenlee and her nice white top. She jumps up shrieking at him and calling him an idiot. Leo: "Oh, I'm sorry! Did you want celery with that -- I'm sorry -- or a twist?" You can hear Gillian laughing at her, not unlike when she fell, all oiled up, in the sand on the beach last summer. Gillian and Ryan continue to laugh, with him putting his arm around her. Leo smiles and sticks his tongue out at Greenlee, giving her nyah, nyah gestures.

ERICA'S HOUSE

[As with most scenes involving Erica and Bianca these days, I rely heavily on quotes because most of it is too good to summarize.]

Bianca asks if Erica is afraid of her. Erica says no, she's afraid of losing her! They are shown in profile, and Erica looks like a stick figure standing next to Bianca. The shrink, Pamela Trent, says it's not easy to admit our fears, but it's a major step toward resolving conflict. Bianca doesn't know what to say. Erica says to tell her she's not going to lose her. Bianca asks how she can even say that -- she's loved her her whole life -- her feelings haven't changed because she told her she was gay! Bianca: "But YOURS have." Erica: "That's not true!" Bianca: "Mom, you're angry with me ALL the time! You can't even stand to look at me!" Dr. Trent: "Erica, how do you feel about what Bianca just said?" Erica: "How do I feel? Well, when every dream you've had for your little girl vanishes -- it's decided. I mean, it's done. It's out of my hands. I don't think that my feelings count here." Bianca: "Mom, they matter to me!" Erica: "Bianca, you made an announcement that altered our lives. I know that you say that nothing has changed and that it's not about me, but I'm your mother and I am affected by your actions, your words, the choices you make for yourself. And our life is NOT the same -- from the silence at the breakfast table to the awkward kisses good night. And every time you go into your bedroom at night and close the door, I can feel that I'm losing you! And the break between us widens day by day, fight by fight. I'm losing you to a world I can't even begin to comprehend!" Bianca: "Have you ever reached for MY hand across the breakfast table? When I kiss you good night, YOU'RE the one who turns away! When I close the door behind me, I'M the one who cries myself to sleep at night because I miss you SO MUCH! And I pray that you will come into my room and that you will hold me and that you will tell me that everything is ok, that you still love me the way you used to!" Erica: "Of course I do! Of course I still love you the way I did! And how could I do those things, Bianca, when you shut me out?" Bianca: "Mom, I'm still here! I'm still here!" Erica: "But it's not the same. We're not close. Not the way we were." Bianca: "Because you keep pushing me to change, Mom! You're pushing me right out of your life!"

Erica: "How could I push you out of my life? You ARE my life!" Bianca: "I can't be that either, Mom. I can't be what you want me to be." Erica: "Can you understand that I've had dreams for you and plans for you ever since I can remember? Things for us to do together, mother-daughter things." Bianca: "Mom, we can still do mother-daughter things. We can - - we can go shopping and riding. We can go to movies together." Erica (sniffling now): "We certainly wouldn't be shopping for the same things. I mean, we'll never shop for a trousseau together. We'll never spend a day at Lacy's together picking out a china pattern or -- or a wedding dress." Bianca: "Well, what if I meet the right girl and we fall in love and we decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together? You can help us set up our house. You can help us pick out the silver and the linen --" Erica: "It would not be the same thing." Bianca: "Why not?" Erica: "Because." Bianca: "Because why? I think I know why. It's the same reason that you don't have any close girlfriends." Erica: "What? What are you talking about?" Bianca: "You -- you turn to men mainly when you need somebody to talk to, when you need a shoulder to cry on." Uncle Jack and Dimitri, David -- I don't think that you trust women the same way that you do men." Erica: "Dr. Trent, Bianca has seen me hurt many times." Bianca: "What does that tell you about yourself, Mom?" Erica: "That it takes a great deal of courage to give your heart to a man and risk that it might be broken." Dr. Trent: "Is that what you meant when you said that you felt like this was your fault?" Erica: "Dr. Trent, this session is not about me or my quote/unquote problems with men." Dr. Trent: "On the contrary. It's very much about you." Bianca looks at Erica. Erica stares a little, then looks away.

Erica walks over to Dr. Trent and says she may have a less-than-perfect track record with men, but that really has nothing to do with the situation at hand and she has NO problem attracting members of the opposite sex! Bianca looks down and sighs. Her face falls and she starts to walk away, knowing that this discussion is futile. The doctor tells Erica that she understands she has a hard time keeping the relationships together. Erica: "Well, it is hardly MY fault if the men I choose don't live up to my expectations!" Dr. Trent: "Perhaps you set your expectations too high." Erica: "Well, *I* have no trouble living up to them!" Bianca whirls and says: "But Daddy couldn't -- and *I* can't either! Erica says that Bianca was scarred deeply by watching their marriage disintegrate and that's why she's now afraid to commit to a man. Bianca says that is SO not true! Erica condescendingly says she thinks she hit a nerve or Bianca wouldn't be so defensive. Bianca: "I HAVE to defend myself, Mom -- you WON'T!" Erica: "Bianca, if you would just hear me out, then maybe you would understand." The doctor tells Erica to LISTEN to what her daughter is trying to tell her. Erica lashes out: "I have done nothing BUT! But so far I haven't heard one thing that makes any sense!" Dr. Trent: "The objective of family therapy is --" Erica: "Is for the THERAPIST to remain OBJECTIVE! Now, it is clear to me, Dr. Trent, that you are taking my daughter's side against me!" Bianca watches her, any slight hope of progress slipping away. Dr. Trent: "I'm sorry you see it that way." Erica: "I'm sorry you wasted our time!" The doctor tells Bianca to give her a call if they want to give it another chance, and Erica shows her the door. Erica firmly closes the door, shaking her head is disgust as she re-enters the living room. Bianca says family therapy didn't work -- now what do they do? Erica stares.

Erica mutters that she thought Dr. Trent would be more helpful. Bianca says she's tired and she doesn't want to fight with her anymore. Erica: "We don't have to fight, Bianca. If only you'd keep an open mind!" Bianca: "ME? Mom, I walked into an AMBUSH tonight. You spring this therapist on me without giving me ANY notice or asking my permission! It's like what you did when I was little, remember? You told me that we were going to a carnival, and instead you took me to the hospital to take my tonsils out!" Erica: "Oh, Bianca, because I didn't want you to be afraid. I was trying to soften life's rough edges for you." Bianca: "That is not your job, Mom. Your job is to love me and to give me direction, not take over my life and play amateur therapist!" Erica: "Fine. What we have to do is we have to find another therapist, one who has the proper qualifications." Bianca: "You mean someone who is going to tell you exactly what YOU want to hear! Mom, save yourself the money. Get a ventriloquist's dummy and sit it on your knee!" Erica: "That is NOT funny, Bianca." Bianca: "Do you see me laughing? [*I* laughed] Mom, I HATE the way we act around each other!" Erica: "So do I." [There is a standoff moment here, like when my former sweetie and I were discussing soaps. I said they were like books that never ended. He said "Exactly!" I said "Exactly!", but we had different viewpoints.] Bianca: "Did you mean what you said, you know, about me going back to modeling for the Enchantment campaign?" Erica, sincerely: "Of COURSE I did. I'll tell Shannon that you changed your mind. But, look, I want to be perfectly straight with you (she blanches a little at the gaffe). I mean I want you to know exactly what you're in for. We're going to do a lot of P.R. And since Donald Steele's big expose in the press, I mean, obviously the press is going to be asking you a lot of questions about your personal life, so -- so we'll rehearse, and then you'll be ready with the right answers." Bianca: "'The right answers.' You mean that you want me to lie about myself. I will pass. You tell Shannon knock herself out. I'm going to bed." Erica: "Oh, Bianca, please! PLEASE! Oh!"

THE SANTOS CONDO-O-LUV/DEATH TRAP/CANDLE WAREHOUSE

Hayley sits up and reads the note, then gets up to walk across the bedroom. Mateo turns on the lights [you can douse those 500 or so candles now -- how do these people breathe with all that waxy smoke? Don't their smoke alarms ever go off?] Hayley says Arlene is trying to make her confess. Mateo mentions Tina, who enters the room on queue, rubbing her sore head where she had been knocked out. Hayley rushes to get info from her, but Tina doesn't remember. Tina asks where all the candles came from. [Hayley: "Our spare bedroom is filled to the rafters."] Tina helpfully points out that the room looks like a shrine for the dead. Mateo says they should go to the hospital to get her head checked out. Tina picks up the phone to call the police instead and Mateo, ever mindful of her possible concussion, roughly yanks the phone away, whipping her around in the process. He says she doesn't want to do that. Hayley gapes and Tina looks confused.

Tina asks if he's already called the cops and he says he doesn't want to get them involved in it. Tina protests that someone knocked her over the head and turned the place into a creepshow! [TURNED it into one?] Hayley nervously says maybe Tina is right -- maybe they should call ... wait for it ... DEREK! Mateo says they should think about it while they take Tina to the hospital. Tina is frustrated and says that's not necessary, she'll just take some aspirin and have Jake check her out when she goes to work tomorrow. They need to report this. Hayley starts rocking back and forth and moaning/whining that she wishes this was just a dream and that somebody would wake her up! Tina says she knows they think this was Arlene's doing, but Hayley has her own TV show -- what if she's being stalked by some nut job? Hayley: "Arlene IS some nut job!" Mateo says that's why he's going to take her to someplace safe -- Adam's house, where they have recently beefed-up security. [BWAHAHAHAAAA!!! Didn't they JUST leave there after "Arlene" put that sentimental ashtray in Colby's crib? That place is as secure as a house of cards!] Hayley says it's NOT safe there -- she can get to her there if she wants to. Tina is still on her cop shtick and Mateo tells Tina to GO TO HER ROOM [I kid you not] -- go back to her condo and lock the door and forget about what's going on over here. He's NOT calling the cops. Hayley pathetically apologizes to Tina for getting hurt and moans that it's all her fault -- everything is all her fault! Mateo hands Hayley her jacket and drags her out, asking Tina to put out the rest of the candles. They leave. Tina blows out 3 candles, then picks up the phone to report a break-in.

ADAM'S HOUSE

Mateo and Hayley sulk in and Winnifred explains that Liza is down at the gatehouse. Hayley appears to be clutching a pink security blankie. Winnifred offers tea, etc., but Mateo brushes her off. They go into the living room and Hayley demands to know why he's trying to get rid of Winnifred. Does he suspect the staff let Arlene in? She insists they are loyal to her father to a fault. Mateo says they all hate Arlene, too. She then shifts gears and asks what happened at the bar. He tells her about Arlene paying some guy to lure him there. Hayley says it's another way for Arlene to come between them and she can't shake this feeling that she is EVERYWHERE, watching them. Maybe they SHOULD call the police. Adam walks in and asks why, what's happened now? [Why didn't they hear the front door? It's only a few feet away.] Mateo does that weird jaw/lip maneuver that he's so fond of lately and says that Arlene has struck again.

Mateo explains what happened at their candle-infested condo and shows him the note. Adam keeps blustering about how do they know it's Arlene. Mateo says Hayley says it is her mom's handwriting and the same as on the note found in the crib. Hayley: "Yeah, I used to have this cat named Comet [Hayley's Comet -- Charlie Brent gave it to her] who got this mouse once and was, like, batting the mouse around. And sometimes the mouse would get away and the cat would let it think it was escaping, and then the cat would pounce on it again. And that's what I feel like I am. I feel like I'm the mouse waiting to be pounced on by the cat, and I just -- I can't take it anymore. I really can't." Mateo says he won't let Arlene do this to her [you haven't stopped her yet, dickweed]. Hayley says it's too late -- she's everywhere. He says that it's NOT a ghost -- if it really IS Arlene, then she'll trip up and they'll catch her. Hayley says that then she'll go to the police and it will be all over, which is why SHE has to go to them first. Derek already knows something's up. Adam says they've already ruled that out. Besides he's had the locks changed (he hands them both a new set). He's already hired a PI. Hayley says it won't matter, because Arlene will find a way. The doorbell rings and Adam goes to get it, assuming it's the new PI, Duffy Olifant (and it is). He introduces them and says Duffy has done work for him in the past and is very discreet. Duffy says he's up to speed -- is there anything they'd like to add? Hayley: "Are you a married man?" He says yes and she tells him to watch is back -- Arlene's favorite prey is married men. There's an uncomfortable moment [is there any other kind in that house?], and Adam says Duffy will be keeping an eye on Hayley, too, from a distance. Duffy asks about her schedule. Hayley looks like she's going to puke and excuses herself to go upstairs. Mateo will fill him in on the schedule when comes back downstairs. Adam gives Duffy a picture of Arlene. Duffy thinks she's a good-looking broad and Adam agrees -- she's a part-time party girl and part-time black widow -- she's lethal.

When Mateo comes back down, Duffy says he'll start at the bar where the guy saw Arlene. They walk him out. Adam walks Mateo back into the living room, arm around his shoulders, assuring him that Duffy is a good man and will take care of it. Mateo says Hayley is a wreck. It's out of hand -- maybe they SHOULD call the police. Adam yells "NO!!" Hayley will spill and confess to murder before they even read her her rights. If the cops find Arlene before they do, she'll damn Hayley to hell with her sob story. Mateo says to let her talk -- it will at least prove Hayley didn't kill her! Adam says there would still be a trial -- does Mateo really want Hayley to go through that? Mateo says Adam has the best lawyers who will convince them there were extenuating circumstances -- it can't be any worse than what Hayley is going through right now! He says Arlene has proven that she can get close to all of them, even Colby. Is he willing to put his daughters at risk? Adam stares with his mouth open.

Adam says he would DIE before he puts his daughters at risk. Mateo tells him to be careful what he wishes for, blah, blah, blah. Adam says Arlene wants money. Mateo says she would have shown up a lot sooner if that was the case -- she has a score to settle with Hayley. Adam insists he'll have his P.I. find her, pay her off, then he'll have his private jet fly her off half-way around the world. Mateo says if he doesn't, he's calling the cops. On cue, the doorbell rings. Adam opens it [all that beefed up security and not a peephole in sight] and Derek barrels in, saying they need to talk. He goes into the living room, says Tina told him what happened a the condo, and demands that Mateo tell him what's going on between him, Hayley and Arlene Vaughn. Mateo works his jaw.

CONDO-O-WAX

Tina and Derek walk into Hayley and Mateo's bedroom. Tina says H&M didn't want to bring the police in, but something in there is SO not right! He asks if they gave her a reason for not bringing the police in. [If Derek KNOWS H&M don't want to report anything, why is he still there asking questions?] Tina points out the trashed living room. Tina goes to get something to show him and he wanders around actually opens the NIGHTSTAND DRAWER! She runs back in, saying: "It's GONE!" Turns out she's talking about the doll with the noose. She blabbers about how she wanted to call the police but Hayley didn't want to, saying she deserved it. It comes out that Arlene is suspected of doing all these things, and Derek busily writes this down. Tina says Arlene is back with a vengence and Hayley is completely undone. Derek thinks very, very hard, appearing to be working on the square root of PI.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica is leafing through a photo album, lost in reminiscing over Bianca as a little girl. Bianca walks into the room, carrying a suitcase. Erica doesn't look up, but tells Bianca to look -- she found a photo album with pictures of Bianca's first dance recital! She gushes about the polka-dot dress and how much Bianca loved it and how she probably still has the dress somewhere! Bianca stares at her, stone-faced. Erica finally looks up and sees Bianca dressed to leave and carrying the suitcase. Erica gets up and asks what that stuff is. Bianca says she's leaving. Erica asks if this is another joke or test! The audio and video gets wobbly and it becomes clear that this is a dream. Bianca: "It's the story of your LIFE, Mom! You just can't keep people around. You FORCE them out of your life!" She goes over to a desk where there are photos of many of Erica's men (7 in all) and turns them over, one by one: "Your dad, my dad, Uncle Jack -- all the men that you say you loved." Erica: "I did love them! Bianca, I loved them with all my heart!" Bianca: "But they couldn't love you back, Mom. You made it IMPOSSIBLE! You expect too much, and you give back FAR too little. You're a FAILURE as a woman and as a mother!" Erica: "Bianca, no! You don't mean that!" Bianca: "I mean every word! I wish to GOD that I weren't your daughter! She runs out of the house. Erica yells: "Bianca! Come back! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!!!" The camera shows Erica's hands on the photo album and pans up to show her sleeping fitfully on the couch.

In reality, Bianca enters the living room and checks out her mother sleeping. She kneels down and look s at her with pain and love on her face. She reaches out to Erica to touch her hair or face, but before she can make contact, Erica starts mewing and tossing, begging Bianca not to leave her. Bianca gets up, picks up her jacket and walks out.

Rain is waiting for Bianca on the porch. Bianca thanks her for waiting and Rain says she's glad Erica didn't wake up when she tossed the rocks at Bianca's window. Bianca is really glad she came by. Rain asks if she and her mom went another ten rounds and Bianca says she's RELENTLESS and wont' be happy until Bianca comes home with a hunk on either arm! Rain says she can't help her there, but if she's up for some mindless fun, she's her girl. Bianca looks back at the house, then says: "Yeah, let's go!" They trot off.

THE PIT

Duffy shows Arlene's picture around. He asks Bud (the guy who scammed Mateo) about her and hands him his card. Duffy walks out and the guy crumples the card, tossing it over his shoulder. The camera shows a pair of half-booted legs traipsing in. This time the legs are skinnier than before. Bud hails "Arlene" and asks if she's going to save him a dance. The boots stop momentarily at this, then walk over to the bar to stand flirtatiously next to a pair of jeans (not Bud's). More and more leg is shown as she tuns and walks away from the bar. Bud tosses back a drink, sets it down and does a macho setting-himself-to-rights move before moving across the room with a look of lust on his face. The booted legs slowly and seductively meet his booted legs in the middle of the room and they start dancing. The camera pans higher and higher, finally showing the red velveteen miniskirt, the purse on the long gold-plated chain, and a tight top, finally stopping to show Hayley dancing with Bud. With a deeper voice than usual, she says: "Come on, Sweetie, put some MUSCLE into it! You KNOW what muscle *I'M* talkin' about!" She gives a throaty laugh and he joins in as the camera pans up and back.

ON THE NEXT AMC:

Hayley has her head tilted WAAAAY back as she looks lazily and seductively at Bud, who says: "What are we hanging around THIS dump for?"

Ryan: "Tell me right now what it is, what you want, and I will give it to you." Gillian flirts: "You're in for a surprise!"

David to a grim-mouthed Dixie: "Tad will never love you the way that I do. Just give me a chance to prove it."

Junior looks down, hurt, and asks Tad: "Are you going to leave us?" Tad looks grim indeed.

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "gee, who ever would have thought it would be Hayley?" Coutellier

2001: BC - Wed-Thu, 1/17-18/01

Alex disappeared from the yacht on the eve of Thanksgiving. It only NOW occurs to Edmund and Dimitri that there might be clues (not to mention Alex) in the cottage in Bristol? I thought it was ASSUMED that she was in England somewhere.

Gillian has spent several years in Pine Valley now, many of them right there in that bar drinking and waiting for tables with everyone in town. Let's see, she needs a discreet job to help out ... hmmmm, where could she go that no one would notice? Hmmmm, that's a toughie -- gotta be a toss-up between the Valley Inn dining room, the Valley Inn Bar or possibly the as a clerk at the Valley Inn check-in desk, if not a maid specializing in the Presidential and residential suites. No one would EVER notice her at any of THESE places!

Robin "in a hilarious upcoming episode, Gillian spills drinks on Adam's lap" Coutellier

2001: Detailed Friday Update, 1/12/01

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Erica to Dimitri: "I won't apologize for needing you."

At the boathouse, Leo says to Laura and Bianca: "You never heard of a primal scream? It cleanses the soul." Laura: "Yeah, well, next time try yoga!" Leo: "Yoga's for the body, screaming is for the mind."

Dixie to Tad: "If our marriage means anything to you, you will tell me the truth! Did you sleep with Leslie Coulson?" Tad: "Yes." Dixie: "I want you to pack up your stuff and get out."

THE YACHT

Leo steps up to Laura, who is looking over the railing out to sea, and touches her arm. She jumps and he backs off, telling her to relax. The subject of Greenlee in assailant mode comes up and he insists that she wouldn't dare show her face around there again [not very bright, is he?] She asks him to show her how to do that primal scream thing he did earlier at the boathouse, since she's pretty stupid [hence her going back to high school two years after she graduated] and can't figure out what any infant knows how to do. [Why do all these people insist on hanging around damp places in freezing weather? Her sweater is open and his shirt is 1/2 unbuttoned. It's JANUARY in NEW ENGLAND in a HARBOR you IMBECILES!] After intently listening to his complicated instructions, she sucks in a big gulp of air and promptly swallows it, backing off of the therapeutic exhalation [but building a GREAT stockpile of potential burp material]. He says she can do better than that, but she glumly says that she can't. He offers to do it with her and they do so on the count of three.

Laura is pleased with her cathartic yelling. She wants to stay outside a little longer [why is she there in the first place?] to continue to chase her demons. Despite the freezing weather and her lack of proper winter attire, her nipples do NOT stand out against the silk of her blouse. She shivers and Leo comes up behind her bearing a blanket. He drapes it around her and she snuggles into it. He keeps his hands on her shoulders a little too long. They both look uncomfortable. Leo says she's had some tough breaks. She says it wasn't all bad, she has Brooke, Jamie & Aunt Pheebs -- still, the bad stuff keeps sucking her back: the fire at the SRO (single room occupancy) that killed her mom, these creeps that want to invade her life (pornographers, etc.) and then someone pushes her off a boat and she almost died -- but she refuses to let it rule her. He says she's doing a good job, but she demurs, saying she's trying to be brave. Leo clumsily hops up to sit on the railing [making me wonder if his butt got wet in the process] and says he thinks that she is used to things not working out for her, so it's safer to expect the worse. He knows how that is, but he can't do that anymore. Now he wants to think years ahead about his future, not just the coming weekend. Because of Vanessa's shallow views to reinforce his own, he used to think his destiny was to marry a wealthy woman, but now he doesn't know what he wants to do. He wishes he had some kind of talent that he could feel passionate about, like her photography. She says she does it because it's a way for her to hold onto what's real, what she thinks matters -- it's a way to stop and really look closely at people and catch them unguarded and beautiful. He says that's how he sees HER. She asks if he's kidding -- the walls she puts up around herself are higher than the ones she saw in China. He says she's wrong -- she tries hard, but she's wrong. She walks a few paces away and says she can't do this anymore because she'll start to cry.

She apologizes for being a downer. He says he lives by two rules: one, never explain, two, never apologize. Does she want to scream again? She says she doesn't need to anymore and he says to consider herself cleansed. She says he's really good at this. He glumly says he's a babe magnet for chicks in distress. She says it wasn't a slam -- she saw him with Bianca and he helped her through some rough ground. He isn't too sure about THAT. Look how things are now with Erica and Bianca. And Greenlee's a MESS. He says he should come with a label that says "Befriend at your own risk". She laughs and says not to blame himself for Greenlee's self- destruction, and Erica's problems with Bianca are Erica's loss, not his. He feels like there's something missing and he wishes he could have done something to make a difference. Laura: "I don't think so. I mean, you know that famous phrase 'It's Erica's world, we just live in it'? [she inexplicably climbs the railing and sits on it, despite having nearly drowned on Thanksgiving Eve because she can't swim] Well, Greenlee has become a planet in her own right!" He says his dear diabolical mom is the same way. He's detecting a pattern. Laura: "What? Too many toxic women?" He asks how he could shake them. She tells him to just walk away and not look back [take her advice NOW, Leo!] He's focusing on the future anyway now, right? He says he can't just erase the past. She says her theory is 'survival of the quickest' -- when the going gets rough, just hightail it and RUN. She says that's how she got away with it last time. It's how she dealt with her mom's death. It's how she got out of the porno mill. Leo: "Say what?" She realizes he didn't know and explains: Well, it's on my permanent record. I'm part of Pine Valley's folklore. I was a teenage porn princess. Yeah, you can download me on the internet." Leo: "No, that's ok. I'm not really into that stuff." She says she isn't either, but she was young and stupid. She RAN from it. She's ready to stay in one place now, though, with her family and friends. He asks if he can be on that list and she says he IS. Leo: "Well, whenever you need your soul cleansed, just let me know." He walks over to her and they kiss. [I wonder if she's going to fall overboard again due to the pressure of the kiss]

Leo pulls away and laments: "The boy does it again!" He's shameless! Her survival play is to turn and run. His is to catch and mooch. She climbs back onto the deck and tells him that HE didn't orchestrate that kiss -- she's got moves of her OWN. She wanted to kiss him and have him kiss her back. He says they both got what they wanted. She says she wants more. He says not tonight, not there and not like that. He walks away, saying he'll take her back to the shore.

WILDWIND

On the ugly green couch, Erica caresses Dimitri's face and tells him that she's always felt so safe with him. He says it's a difficult time for both of them and she suggests they can help each other. He says he knows her situation with Bianca has left her feeling fragile and unsure of herself. She doesn't want to talk about it. He says they can't hide in the past that they had together. She doesn't understand. He says he'll always be there for her ... as a friend for her AND Bianca. He and Alex will always open their home to her. Erica, compassionate and thoughtful person that she is, says: "Dimitri, look around you. Alex is gone." Dimitri agrees, but says when she comes back they'll resume their married life. Erica acknowledges the fact that they are married, although she can't fathom his commitment to her. Dimitri thanks her for that :-) She then says that Alex has been gone for a long time now with only that one cryptic phone call. Has it occurred to Dimitri that maybe Alex doesn't WANT him to find her?

The next time we see them, they are standing. Erica states that he's angry with her for what she said about Alex. He denies it and says he doesn't want to discuss his marriage with her. She says who better to discuss the fact that his wife has probably left him? He says her theory is way out there. Erica, caring, but firm about not being co-dependent to his misguided notions: "I don't think so." He says someone kidnapped her off the boat and is keeping her from coming home. She says she knows who it is: him and Edmund. Dimitri: "What?" She says they were at each other's throats during the weeks leading up to Alex's disappearance -- Alex pitted brother against brother! She and Edmund were engaged -- she cheated on Dimitri with his own BROTHER [tit for tat, so to speak] Dimitri has had enough and tells her it's time to go as she continues to natter on about about pushing Dimitri from the breaking point. Erica: "I mean, I was aware that she was trouble from the day I saw her, but NEVER as much as I was that night. And so I knew it was up to me to stop her before she completely destroyed you and Edmund!" Dimitri stops short at THAT revelation, pointing at her and asking what she did. Erica looks pityingly at him and sits on the ugly green couch. She confesses that she took Alex aside that night and told her that if she REALLY loved Dimitri, she would leave him and Edmund alone, in peace. Dimitri: "So you told Alex to leave me?" Erica: "***I*** just merely made a suggestion. I'm really rather surprised, given how she feels about me, that she seems to have taken it to heart." Dimitri stares, looks away, then swings his head back, biting his lip.

Dimitri is pissed now, and circles the couch for no apparent reason. Dimitri: "Erica, let me understand this. You told Alex that I would be better off WITHOUT her?" [Why is he so pissed off? It's not like Alex has ever paid attention to anything Erica ever said to her before.] Erica: "You and Edmund. Dimitri, she has been tainting everything since the day she walked into our lives. She resented me when I questioned her loyalty when she turned to Edmund when she thought you were dead." Dimitri: "But what RIGHT did you have to interfere?" Erica points to herself and says: "I was your wife -- that gave me some rights. She is also his friend. Dimitri, arms flapping and body moving like a backup go- go girl: "So you ORDERED my wife to leave town?" She says she merely SUGGESTED that Alex give Edmund and Dimitri a little space to heal the breach between them. He demands to know why she kept this from him, jabbing the air repeatedly as he pointed at her. She says it's because she didn't make the connection until now -- she thought Alex HAD been kidnapped. After all, her departure from the yacht was so abrupt! In a quintessential Erica-ism, she says: "What woman would leave town without a wardrobe, without her makeup?" Dimitri looks like he's sucking on a lemon as he shows us the size of the fish he caught as he demands to know what connection she is speaking of. She says it was the phone call -- if a woman had REALLY been kidnapped, she would have given some clues as to where to find her. In the LOD, she says: "Oh, look, Dimitri -- I hate to burst your bubble, but she's probably checked herself into some to spa for a complete overhaul, which could take MONTHS!" As he bites his lip some more [he should put something on that] she advises him to file for a divorce and get on with his life. Dimitri: "Uh-huh, the way you've gotten on with yours?" Naturally she doesn't know what he's talking about. He chuckles condescendingly and tells her to forget it. She pursues it -- after all, "Friends can tell friends anything". Dimitri: "Hey, all right! [he dips and then flings his arms out like a cheerleader] All right, let's get this clear -- Alex did not leave me because *YOU* BADGERED her into it, although I'm sure you gave it your BEST shot!" Erica: "Dimitri! What is about me that still gets to you?" He pulls his bottom lip over the top one, continuing to work that lemon in and apparently squirting some of the juice into his eyes.

He says if she REALLY wants to know, he thinks she's using Alex's disappearance to her own advantage. She says she's doing no such thing! He says he knows how she operates -- she's always working an angle. She demands to know what she could possibly gain from Alex's disappearance. He looks meaningfully at her. Susan Lucci has some great lines today as she say: "Oh, PUH-LEASE!! Does your ego know no BOUNDS?" He can't POSSIBLY imagine that she is pushing for the two of them to get back together! [Is it my imagination, or is water dripping down the castle wall? Mold maybe?] Dimitri: "Oh, you aren't?" Erica: "No, I -- I most certainly am NOT. I have come to you as a FRIEND, Dimitri!" Dimitri: "Erica, if you had said one generous word about Alex at some time I might believe you, but you haven't." Erica: "Dimitri, I've never PRETENDED to like Alex." She says she just wants to help him get get a sense of closure so he can get ON with his life! He says he'll have a sense of closure when Alex returns. She digs in that it will be so IF she CHOOSES to return. He says his wife did NOT LEAVE HIM! Erica points out that Dimitri hid himself in order to spare Alex any pain when he thought he was dying. He rightly points out that Alex is NOT dying. Erica says no, but Alex might be trying to make a clean break. He doesn't believe it. Erica says there's nothing to support his kidnapping theory -- no one has found her and there hasn't been any ransom note -- because there WAS no kidnapping. She says Alex has the background and resources to vanish without a trace. He says Alex would not do that to him -- she LOVES him. Erica suggests that perhaps Alex loves him enough to leave him alone.

Dimitri makes a tent of his hands and puts them to his mouth, then to his forehead -- he's either praying or about to have another one of his "spells". He orders Erica to leave, his driver is waiting. She tries to play the Alex leaving of her own free will card again, but he interrupts and yells: "THIS -- DISCUSSION -- IS -- OVER WITH! She stares, nods and starts to walk out. She stops, turns and tells him to at least THINK about it. IF Alex has left him, the sooner he gets over it, the better. Call her if he needs her. She leaves and he broods.

VALLEY INN - LESLIE'S ROOM

Tad kicks open the door to Leslie's room, further demonstrating the utter lack of security in the hotel. This is amply demonstrated by a side view of the door, which reveals that, although there is a knob for a dead bolt, it's just pasted onto the outside of the door without any bolt to it. Leslie is waiting, dressed in a black, extremely low-cut negligee, [revealing breasts so expansive that I wonder if they are made of a latex overlay] and posed provocatively on her side on the bed. She calmly says she's been waiting for him; why didn't he just use his key? He looks around in angry chagrin at the waiting champagne and his stuff in her room. He opens the wardrobe to see his shirts. In a daze, he picks up the wedding photo that Leslie pasted her head onto, then the perfume. Leslie takes it from him and gently sets it down, saying it's the perfume he gave her -- it has an musky animal quality to it and she'll never wear anything else. He stays silent, standing stiffly and frowning at her. She says it's was only a matter of time before Dixie found out about them -- she'll get over it. He still doesn't respond and she traces a finger slowly over his lips. She caresses his face and tells him to either say something or kiss her. He continues to stare and she falters, backing up a little. She is perplexed and wants to know why he's looking at her that way -- he's scaring her. He stares, his mouth slightly open.

She backs further away and begs him to talk to her. He breaks his silence and asks why -- she set up the whole thing, didn't she? He told Dixie point blank what happened. Leslie is thrilled with that news, but tries to repress it. She insincerely tells Tad that she's sorry. He doesn't believe that she's sorry. She says the whole thing got way too messy, and it's partly HIS fault. Leslie: "You could have made life a hell of a lot easier for all of us if you'd stopped fighting the inevitable." Tad squints and says part question/part statement "You and I belong together". She nods and says she's known it for years. He doesn't belong with Dixie, he belongs to HER. She LOVES him and wants him to love her back, PLEASE! He steps forward, caressing her bare chest and then her neck. She melts into it. His expression barely changes as he starts to squeeze. Her expression, on the other hand, is somewhat alarmed.

Tad jerks her away and yanks her back as she grunts and gasps. Tad spits out through gritted teeth: "You wouldn't listen, would you? Hmm? No. It didn't matter how many times I told you that I didn't want you, that it was a mistake, to stay away from me?" He walks forward in large strides, forcing her to march backwards. "No, no, no, you had to take my things, right?" He spins her around and pushes her head down close to the coffee table. Tad: "So you could set up this twisted fantasy, huh? HUH?" He yanks her back up, simultaneously tossing the coffee table across the room, still never letting go of her neck. She continues to gasp and squeak. Tad: "And torture my wife and ruin me and ruin my marriage. Well, guess what -- you didn't just steal my clothes or wedding ring. No, you stole my life, huh? And I'll bet it was fun for you, wasn't it? One big game. Well, guess what?" He slams her back into the wardrobe and puts his face close to hers. Tad: "Game's over, Leslie!" Whispering now: "And you lose." She's terrified now and breathes hard [well, as hard as one can with someone's hand squeezing the life out of it], closing her eyes and desperately trying to decide what to do next (or guess what HE'S going to do next).

Deciding not to antagonize him, she tells him he's crazy. He says that's high praise coming from her. He takes a running start and throws her HARD across the room and facedown onto the bed. She falls to the floor and starts whining: "I only wanted--" He says he doesn't give a damn what she wants and he never has. She eyes the phone and starts to crawl toward it. He beats her to it, yanks the phone out of the wall, then pulls is arm back as if he's going to do bodily harm to her with the phone, giving a new meaning to 'reach out and touch someone'. She scrambles back, putting her hands up and begging him not to hurt her. He tosses the phone aside and she demands to know why he's DOING this! He grabs, yanks her up and shakes her, saying: "I'm doing it for fun! The same reason you tore apart the only woman I've ever loved, someone who meant ***EVERYTHING*** to me. Leslie piteously whimpers that she loves him too, with all her heart! He lets go of her, walks over and picks up the doctored wedding photo. He shakes it at her and tells her to take a REALLY good look, because that's as close as she's ever going to get! He throws it against the wall, narrowly missing a cringing Leslie. He says from now one he's going to be living for one reason only -- to get his life back. He grabs her head on both sides and shakes it, saying she is going to help whether she likes it or NOT! She breathes heavily and gulps.

VALLEY INN - DAVID'S ROOM

Dixie stands at David's door staring at him after he answered it. He silently ushers her in. Dixie, her back to David [of course] flatly says that Tad confessed, he slept with Leslie and she (Dixie) asked him to move out. Their marriage is over. David looks at her, hesitating at her pain, then puts his hands on her and turns her around, pulling her into a comforting embrace.

The next time we see them, she's sitting on a loveseat and he's perched on an arm of the couch. Dixie is looking away and has her arms tightly crossed [which is only prudent, because if she doesn't hold on tightly, her arms are likely to pop apart from the pressure and violently fling outward, possibly causing grave damage to David's room (not to mention David]. She reiterates that Tad's moving out and their life together is over, and she really feels nothing [uh-huh]. She says she saw this couple walking across the street and they were holding hands and laughing, and she waited for her heart to break, but it didn't. She doesn't feel anything at all [uh-huh]. David says that's because she's in shock [I guess he should elevate her feet then and try to warm her up by any means necessary]. She hops up and paces -- she doesn't care what it is, but she hopes it lasts. She doesn't EVER want to feel anything again. Because feelings like love and homesickness and loneliness -- they clouded her thinking. They opened up her heart and led her right back to Tad. Feelings feed off your soul while you starve. David worriedly says maybe she should sit down. She continues and asks if he knew that Tad was a serial cheater. Dixie: "I knew that! I knew he wasn't capable of being faithful! What is more pathetic, the guy who can't keep his pants zipped or the woman who keeps forgiving him?" [can you say "Clinton"?] She remembers him cheating on her with Liza and how she went back to Pigeon Hollow, but she couldn't get him out of her system -- he was in her heart and her blood. One kiss and she was a goner -- what a SUCKER! But she needed to believe him. Then he went right back to working with Liza, but only to stick it to Adam, nothing personal. Then all those late hours and trips to New York. She KNEW he hadn't really changed -- she just didn't want to believe he would STICK IT to her AGAIN!

She sits down again, arms still tightly crossed. Dixie: "Well, then there was YOU." David: "What about me?" Dixie: "You offered me a kind of sanctuary, a place where I could escape to. You know, I could work so hard, I couldn't think about what Tad was doing or with whom. I just buried myself in your problems. You helped me to forget that my husband was a serial cheater. You helped me forget my worst fear -- what Tad was feeling for Liza or Leslie or God knows who else." She starts to tear up. "See, these little feelings, they just really destroy you, you know? They're guilty with an excuse. I don't ever want to feel anything ever again." He walks over to her and says her name, accompanied by a short but keenly defined nose-whistle. He pulls her to her feet and tells her that what she feels is what sets her apart and makes her who she is. He says she wants to be numb, but CAN'T -- tell him what's REALLY in her heart [I hear another primal scream coming on]. She stares and blinks back her tears.

David urges Dixie to tell him what's REALLY in her heart. She thinks and starts to say something a couple of times before she flatly says: "Hatred. Hatred for Tad, for Liza, for Leslie ... and for herself for being so blind in believing he loved ONLY her -- how could she be so stupid?" [and thus begins another long, long, LONG list of why people think she's stupid] David tells her she had faith in her marriage. Dixie: "My marriage was a lie. I believed it. I thought we were good. I thought we were going to make it right. I thought we were the golden couple, you know? Christmastime, you know, we wished on a star, 'together forever'. By New Year's, he had a girl on the side and I was kissing you like there was no tomorrow." She's sitting on the bed now. [As you know, soap opera law decrees that 2 people having a SERIOUS, emotionally wrenching conversation must never look at each other or stay in one place for more than a few seconds] Dixie: "Well, Tad and I failed again. How many times did I tell you how happy we were? How many times did I say how solid our relationship was, how we were in it for the long haul? And you knew, didn't you? You could tell our marriage was falling apart, but you'd let me go on and on and on. You really must think I'm the world's biggest fool!" David strides over to her and gets on his knees in front of her: "No! No! The only fool here is Tad. Only a fool would betray a woman like you, Dixie. Only a fool would give your love away!" Dixie looks down at him with bemused eyes.

Dixie tells him not to make her out to be something that she's not. David (adoringly): "You're perfection!" Dixie: "I'm not. I'm -- I'm as guilty as Tad!" She brings up the New York hotel scene where Liza pretended to be having sex with Tad and Dixie jumped to the wrong conclusion. It proved that they had serious trust issues. Tad had explained what happened, but she still doubted him. David chimes in that with everything that has happened, he thinks it's reasonable. Dixie: "But it wasn't too late back then. I could have DONE something!" He asks what she could have done. She's already admitted that Tad is a pathological cheater! She says there must have been something that he needed, maybe, something that she could have given him. David: "Dixie, I'm not going to let you blame yourself for this." Dixie: "But I AM to blame for this, you know? I could have done something right. I could have gone to a marriage counselor. I could have confided my fears to my husband. But instead I turned to YOU [you mean like you're doing now?]. And when I told Tad that I kissed you, I practically gave him PERMISSION! I practically pushed him into Leslie's bed!" He says what they did was NOT the same as having an affair. She squinches her face up in pain and quietly says that what Tad and Leslie had was more than affair -- he saw their room. Dixie: "All of his things were there. It was their special place. How many afternoons did he leave the house and lie to me about where he was going? Did he laugh at me because I made it so easy for him?" David: "Dixie, don't do this to yourself." Dixie: "How many times did he make love to her and then come home and make love to me? Did he do the same things, do you think? Do you think he said the same things, tell the same stories? Did he take his ring off and put it by the side of the bed? [why did he take it off when they took a shower? Isn't it waterproof?] The ring that I gave him, the one that I put on his finger?" She starts to crack: "Oh. There's too many pictures in my head, you know? [her eyelids start to flutter and her eyes roll up in her head] I -- I can't stop thinking about him kissing her and telling her that he loves her!" She's breaking up, her voice coming out in high- pitched squeals squeaks. Neighborhood dogs try to cover their ears. Dixie: "I can't live with these things in my head. David, you have to help me. You have to make it go away! Her fluttering eyelids could fan a wet car dry as he comes up behind her and puts his arms around her and promises that it's all going to go away -- he's going to take away her hurt and pain and do everything in his power to help her. She turns back to him, her face contorted in pain as she melts into his comforting arms.

David rubs Dixie's back and tells her she WILL survive this and he'll help her. Everything within his power is hers. She pulls back, her eyes swollen with crying. She gets a heavy-lidded look of desire on her face and pulls him close for a passionate kiss and they start to devour each other. [Gosh, I never saw THAT coming!]

VALLEY INN -- LESLIE'S ROOM, DAVID'S ROOM, HALLWAYS

Leslie, dressed now and wearing a coat, asks where they are going. He says they are going to find Dixie and she's going to tell her the truth -- that there never WAS an affair and she's been stealing his things for weeks so she could set this up. She's going to tell Dixie what HE'S been saying from the very beginning, i.e., that he doesn't care about Leslie and he never HAS. He loves ONE woman, and one woman ONLY -- and THAT is his WIFE! He grabs her arm and yanks her out the door. He drags her forcefully through the hallway, practically wrenching her arm out of the socket.

Meanwhile, Dixie and David are still devouring each other. Saxophone music starts to play. He gulps and shudders, then offers to take her home. She doesn't want to go. She wants to stay with him. She wants him to make love to her. He looks her up and down like she's the cream center in a decadent pastry.

ON THE NEXT AMC:

Mateo holds a gift-wrapped package. Liza is holding a crying, pacifier-sucking Colby as Adam and Winifred look on. They are all in their bathrobes (except Mateo, who may or may not be in his jammies -- hard to tell). Liza shrieks as she gestures to the package: "THIS was in the crib! Somebody has been in the house!"

Leslie leans seductively forward and tells Tad: "Your wife is seeking comfort from the new man in her life. If you don't believe me, call David."

David, sitting on the bed with Dixie, says: "I can't picture my life without you, Dixie, and I'll do everything I can to take away your pain!"

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "could use some holistic pain relief" Coutellier

2001: BC - Tue, 1/2/01

What can I say about Gillian's dress except: BWAHAHAHAHAA!! What is that, a drawbridge bodice with a windsurfing sail across the hips (perhaps she expects to land in the moat)? Either that or her hatch has come loose.

LOVED Rain echoing what we've been asking about Wildwind all along: "I wonder how much it costs to heat this place!"

There are quite a few teens at the Crystal Ball -- so much for Erica's lame assertion that it's a party for adults only.

I always love it when the professional ballroom dancers start doing their thing! Of course, the 3 couples twirling around Ryan and Gillian in the first dance all appeared to be on crack, but I truly admire their sense of balance. Think any of them threw up after that scene? At the very least, I suspect visits to chiropractors for neck adjustments were in order.

Although Greenlee might poke one or both of her own eyes out with her bodice, she looks ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS in it!

I also liked Dixie's dress -- very elegant.

Dimitri is being exceptionally jovial for someone whose wife has been missing for over a month. Downright giddy, in fact. Weirdo.

Isn't there some sort of fire code about people drinking and setting everything on fire -- oh wait, that's the 4th of July. I could just hear a giant WOOSH as all the curtains went up in flames. It DID look like people were trying not to drink out of the candles, though.

Did anyone else imagine what the people were thinking during the "moment of silence" was "OUCH! This candle is hot! OWIE-OWIE-OWIE-OWIE-OWIE!!!"

They sure made a big deal out of Alex's work at the foundation, even though, as David pointed out, HE was the one who cured Dimitri. Are they the only two doctors who do research for the foundation? When?

Where is everyone supposed to put their candle until it's time to go home?

Hayley told her mother (in a soliloquy) that she (Hayley) was much worse than her (Arlene) because she killed her mother. That got me to thinking. Did Arlene kill HER mother? Maybe it DOES run in the family. How come we never hear about Hayley's grandparents. I can just imagine Arlene's mom tossing 'em back with a bunch of soldiers and singing "I'm the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Girl of Company B" :-)

That kiss between David and Dixie was SO HOT! I couldn't help but think: "Are those the same earrings Bianca took off?" (no)

That was quite an arm-rub Mateo gave Hayley -- apparently her sleeves are miked.

Leo dropped his keys in Greenlee's cell and couldn't pay for accommodations at the Valley Inn. Where did he stay last night and where did he get the tux?

Except for the Martian-antenna doodad on her head (interesting timing with Ray Walston's death), Opal looks almost demure. Wait a sec -- are those 1950's curtain fluffballs all over her jacket? Never mind.

I am shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you -- Hayley is NOT wearing a skimpy handkerchief, low-slung skirt combo, and most of her hair is actually in the vicinity of her head -- why she is positively modest! Must be that pregnancy thing.

Adam can't promise Liza they'll always be as happy as they are right now -- THANK GOD! I can only hope to imagine even a tiny bit how deliriously happy they must be given that Hayley just killed her mother and Adam dumped the body overboard and they were just talking about it 3 seconds ago.

LOVED Tad's response to Gillian's definition of the turret: "I know what it IS, I just can't believe you HAVE one!"

Where is the Fidelity docked, in the fountain in front of the Valley Inn? The pond outside the terrace? It certainly is conveniently located! Of course, as soon as I typed that question, Greenlee gave directions, including the Expressway.

If Wildwind has turrets, mausoleums, wells and horses, why don't they have bloodhounds baying at the moon (or birds or whatever)! They could at LEAST have a basset hound for ambience!

Robin "who provides her own baying ambience (they don't call me a bitch for nothing)" Coutellier