2001: Detailed Friday Update, 2/2/01

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

A tearful Greenlee to Leo: "Do you really think I needed to know that my parents have been stealing from me? You're an idiot, Leo! You just don't get it!"

Jake to a hospital-gowned Gillian: "The timing doesn't lie. This has to be my child, Gillian."

Leslie to a pensive David: "Get me more of that drug, David, or you will lose EVERYTHING, including the delightful Dixie Martin."

Tad to a silent Dixie: "Did you sleep with him again tonight?"

[First, let me just say that I LOVED Liza turning the tables on the hypocritical, adulterous Dixie]

THE HOLY PATERNAL MARTIN SHRINE

Tad is apparently staying at Joe's house. He answers the door to find Dimitri and Edmund at the door [this HAD to fall on a FRIDAY?] They want to talk to Jake, but Jake isn't home. [The brothers grim look like a couple of bulldogs. I think Dimitri has a chain dangling from his right side, possibly from his choker, which come in hand in the Marick clan] In response to their queries, Tad tells them he and Dixie are having problems. Dimitri says they should be able to work out their problems. Tad says he wouldn't be too sure about that with Hayward slithering around out there. Dimitri, ears ever pricked for info about finding Alex, is startled and wants to know what Hayward has to do with it. Tad says David and his Libidozone are responsible for landing him in his parent's guestroom. He'd give anything to connect David with what happened on Ryan's yacht that night. Edmund tells him that they CAN connect him to the Libidozone. Dimitri kicks in that they have the shipping order from Carlquist Labs in Switzerland, addressed to David Hayward. Tad asks them to help by showing the order to Dixie to make her see who and what David really is.

Tad asks if they aren't going after him. Edmund says that so far they only have the shipping order. Tad wants them to shove it in his face and see what he says. Dimitri tells him that they already did that. David claims he DID receive the drug, but that it was stolen before the party. Tad says he's lying. Edmund says that David swears he was only using it for research, but he stopped the experimentation when Alex objected. Tad says he didn't stop for ANY reason -- he was using that drug for one reason and one reason only -- to get to Dixie. Dimitri agrees and says that Alex got caught in the middle. She must have seen David do something suspicious at the party and he made sure she disappeared. She's been gone for weeks now and they don't have a clue as to where she is. [Weeks? Try MONTHS. Usually they refer to time the other way around.] There's a knock at the door. It's Dixie, who is apologizing for the night before. She sees Edmund and Dimitri and, abashed, greets them. She says she didn't realize he had company and makes a move to leave. Tad stops her and says that the brothers grim have very important info about her friend, Dr. Hayward. She's GOT to believe him -- David is NOT the man she thinks he is.

Dixie closes her eyes briefly and says she didn't come there for his latest theory about David. The brothers grim leave, asking Tad to tell Jake. Dimitri is wearing what he probably thinks is a tactful face, but he looks more like an irritated, toothless clown. Dixie asks what's going on and says it's obvious he's up to something with Edmund and Dimitri. Tad says he's not up to anything -- HAYWARD is the one she's got to WORRY about. Dixie closes her eyes again and exhales in exasperation at his one- track mind, then says that Hayward is NOT the one that's LYING to her. He asks how she knows that. She thinks she KNOWS the "man behind the mask", but she doesn't have a CLUE! He says there are a couple of things she doesn't know about Hayward. [I'm noticing that no one but Dixie seems to be using his first name anymore. Kind of reminds me of the OJ trial] Dixie: "And you just can't WAIT to tell me, can you?" Tad plods on, telling her about the drug shipment from Carlquist Labs. She says David orders stuff from there all the time, so what? He tells her it was for Libidozone, and she actually ponders that a moment before shifting her eyes to come up with an excuse for David. Dixie: "Well, so, ok. Guilt by shipping order." She ridicules him for his flimsy "proof" that David is some sort of out-of-control mad person. Tad: "After what happened on that BOAT? COME ON! Dixie thinks there's some sort of logical explanation (but her eyelids are starting to flutter. Tad says he used it for a little pet project, which is destroying their MARRIAGE. Dixie says she's NOT going to listen to this. Tad: "Why do you defend him? Why do you refuse to see what everyone else knows?" She asks why he's so intent on revenge [maybe because David is so intent on schtupping you?] And to drag Dimitri and Edmund into it? Tad says they weren't dragged into ANYTHING -- they happen to think David has something to do with Alex's disappearance. Dixie thinks that's ludicrous! Tad: "No, it's true. Alex knew that Hayward had the Libidozone. Then all of a sudden, she vanishes? Hello?" Dixie's eyes flutter madly and she shrugs her shoulders at the absurdness of his accusations. She asks if there's more. He says yeah, there is -- there's Leslie. Dixie gets snide: "Yes, there is Leslie." He says he thinks Leslie was David's accomplice. Dixie's eyes don't blink at all as, arms folded, she says: "So between the drug lord and the vixen, you're quite the victim, aren't you?" [I didn't see, but I think her toe was tapping and a rolling pin was nearby] He says that's not what he meant. She points out that Leslie is David's LAWYER, not his partner in CRIME! [I will stifle myself here in deference to our loyal legal fans] She changes tack slightly and says she came to apologize for what happened last night and to see if they could work things through. Tad: "How do you propose we do that when you refuse to see the truth?" Dixie spits out a little huff of frustration and tilts her head at him.

Dixie says she knows the truth. He slept with Leslie and he lied about it. He said he stopped seeing her and he lied about it. He has explanations and accusations and conspiracy theories all over the place. Dixie: "It's -- I'm tired of it, Tad. You blame David for everything that's wrong with US. It's got to stop!" Tad's voice breaks as says he's trying to save their marriage. She says he's NOT, he's just competing with David. He says yes, he is, and he's LOSING because he shows her the side that he wants her to see and it's NOT the truth. Tad: "Whether you want to believe it or not, he's a very dangerous man, and I'm afraid he's going to hurt you." Dixie: "Like you hurt me?" He stares at her for a moment, then gets back on track. Through gritted teeth, Tad says: "He's USING you." Dixie bobbles her head as she earnestly says: "He's a good man! Don't you know how hard it was for him to operate on his mother last night? I mean, that took a lot of personal dedication and -- and courage. Are those the traits of a madman?" Tad stares at her, then calmly says: "All right. I'll shut up about David. But you do ME a favor. Ask him about Libidozone." Dixie: "Why? Why should I?" Tad: "Because if you don't, he's just going to go on manipulating you." [like her asking him is going to stop him!] Dixie: "David will hurt me? David will lie to me? All the things that YOU'RE guilty of, Tad. I just can't listen to it anymore." [she never does] She turns and walks out, slamming the sacred Martin front door. Tad turns glumly away.

DAVID'S OFFICE, WHERE THE ABC.COM PAINT PEELS FROM THE CAUSTICITY

David calls Dixie just to hear her voice. She asks about Vanessa, but he says he's much more concerned about her, considering he Medi-Vac'd her into an ambush last night: "Liza, Palmer, the Martin boys. What was I thinking?" She says she was glad she was there because she got to see all his courage [oh BARF!] -- she got to see him save his mother's life last night. He says he did it for her. She says he did it for a deeper reason -- for himself [not so deep, then]. Leslie chooses that moment to barge into his office, trilling: "Oh, Doctor! You've got to fix my broken heart!" Leslie: "I CAME for my Libidozone!" [I thought it was the other way around]

In their next scene, David is on the phone again, telling someone that the new temp is not working out. He demands that they find a secretary with a BRAIN and slams the phone down. Leslie heaves a sigh and tells him that he promised her a batch of Libidozone and she wants it NOW. He says he was in the OR all night. She doesn't believe him. David: "My mother was SHOT, Leslie, a bullet lodged in the heart!" Leslie leans over and in a ridiculing, yet conspiratorial manner says: "And you didn't finish her off on the table?" He tells her to come back tomorrow. Leslie: "No, we had a DEAL." David: "You mean blackmail?" Leslie: "Whatever." She threatens to tell Dixie EVERYTHING if he doesn't deliver. David: "What makes you think that Dixie's going to believe anything coming from the SLUT who slept with her husband?" Leslie: "Oh, I can be very convincing." David: "Yeah, right! If you need an APHRODISIAC to hold on to Tad, maybe you should give it up." Leslie: "No, he just has Dixie on the brain. The only way that I can remind him that we were made for each other --" David: "Yeah, is to drug him out of his gourd so that he'll relive the sodden sex on that yacht? Ooh, how romantic." She says she is THISCLOSE to getting the man she wants and she will NOT give up! She gets girlish and pouts that he said he would help her. He says he made another batch, gesturing to something on his desk. They both dive for it. David: "But I changed my mind. I'm not giving you Libidozone, Leslie." [Good strategy -- she needs some Thorazine with a Zoloft chaser, STAT!] She thinks she realizes what he REALLY wants, and asks how much money it will cost. He shakes his head. They both still have their hands on the container.

Leslie: "You want me to beg?" David: "Well, that would be nice to see someday at the appropriate time, but not now." He says he's not giving her an illegal drug -- it's unscrupulous. Leslie: What, has your MISTRESS been teaching you SCRUPLES? He waves a vial around and tells her not to make him call Security. Leslie: "Listen, you had no trouble using that drug before. Don't expect me to believe that you're having a crisis of conscience!" David, with all the sincerity of a used car salesman after you've finished telling him about your hemorrhoids, says: "I made a lot of mistakes that I have profoundly regretted." Leslie: "Yes, I'm going to profoundly regret regaling Dixie with all the sordid details of how you orchestrated her seduction." David: "She won't believe you." Leslie taunts him: "You want to take that chance? Think about it, David. Will she still look up at you with those adoring eyes? Will she still beg you to hold her, to make love to her?" She lunges at the vial and spews: "I don't think so!" David grips her hand and makes lots of eye contact when he says: "You DON'T want to cross me, Leslie." She stares at him with a look of grim determination. [Little side story here: Back in the late 70s, I came out of the ladies room at work to find myself face-to-ass with the guy repairing the copier machine. He was wearing those fabulously tight "Angel's Flight" pants and had a FANTASTIC ass! I admired it for a while, smiled to myself and went back to my desk where someone was waiting for me. He looked at me and jumped back a little, feigning fright. "What?" I said, taken aback by the look on his face, "What's wrong?!" He told me that he didn't know, just that I had a look of "grim determination" on my face. ROTFL!!! Ah, memories!]

PINE VALLEY HOSPITAL/CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION DISPENSARY

Myrtle, clearly volunteering based on the overblouse she's wearing that one usually finds in the Montgomery Ward Old Lady Housecoat dept, greets Jake. Her hair is so brilliantly red that sparks are flying off of it. She says he's very bright-eyed for a fellow who was up so late last night. She's heard about Vanessa. She also knows he went to a bar with his father and brother. He wonders if she has a crystal ball, but she says she had a chat with his father. Jake leans over and asks if Joe told her that Gillian is pregnant. Isn't that great? There's going to be another Martin running around by the end of the summer. Myrtle fakes a bright smile and roles her eyes a little, stammering his name as he tells her to be happy for him. [Am I the only one starting to hear the refrain from Al Bundy's favorite TV show, "Psycho Dad!"?] She says she wants him to be happy, but isn't it a bit too soon? [in her head: "Considering Ryan and Gillian screw more times a day than the air-powered lug-nut driver at a 24-hour tire outlet?"] He says he missed so much with Colby [Oh, PULEEZE! You took her for visitation so often that the Pope is investigating!], and this time it's going to be different! He's going to be with this baby from the beginning and it's going to have the best care and most love from day one. He speaks reverently of burping and diapering. She says he was so hurt when he lost Colby and warns him not to put all his hopes on this baby; is he sure it's HIS baby? He's positive -- he FEELS it [Gillian's fetus: "In the womb, no one can hear you scream, but I AM screaming!"] He looks beatific and serene. She reminds him that Gillian and Ryan are together now. He says he and Gillian DID love each other and they created this child. She says that even if that's true, R&G will be married and raise the child together -- RYAN will be the legal father.

After talking to Gillian, Jake turns back to Myrtle and asks what she thinks of naming the child "Ruth" if it's a girl. She tells him Ruth would probably tell him not to rush things. He says he just spoke to Gillian, and she's coming over to talk. Myrtle asks how she's taking it. He says she's in shock, but he thinks she's going to come around. She once again tells him that Gillian is going to marry Ryan -- she's making plans that DON'T INCLUDE HIM! He says that's why he's going to insist on paternity tests. If he IS the father, he's going to insist on shared custody. Myrtle: "Whether she wants to or not?" He walks from behind the nurses desk and motions her over to the waiting benches in the hallway [I don't know why, since there wasn't anyone at the desk but him]. He says he is the father of this child and Gillian is just going to have to accept it. Myrtle: "What if she says no?" Jake: "Well, I don't even want to think about that now, but I do have legal options." Myrtle tells him that when you had the awful battle about Colby, it tore him apart, sent him to Chechnya, and he lost Gillian. She couldn't bear to see him going through that pain again! Jake: "Myrtle, I will do anything for my child." Myrtle: "I know you would. I mean, you chose to lose Colby rather than drag the baby through a horrible, ugly court case. And you can't -- you mustn't do the same thing to this baby." Jake says there there won't be a struggle this time because Gillian and he are going to do what's best and make the right decisions. Jake: "And it's different. This baby's my own FLESH AND BLOOD, and Colby wasn't." Myrtle asks if this about the baby, or if he's hoping to hold on to Gillian. Jake: "I know I've lost Gillian." Myrtle: "Yeah, but here, right there [she taps on his chest] -- do you think maybe if you share the baby you might keep the relationship with Gillian alive?" Jake: "I don't know. I just want her to be happy." Myrtle: "Well, happy about the baby or about you being the father? Jake, darling, don't expect too much!" Jake: "I want to be a part of my child's life." Myrtle: "Yes, but that's for another time. But right now, don't push Gillian, or you're going to drive her away!" She leaves and says the offer of a cup of tea with her is open.

THE GOOD SHIP SCREW-ME

Leo walks into the main cabin and Ryan asks after Vanessa's health and tosses in that he and Gillian are praying for her [somehow, praying is not what comes to mind when these two get on their knees]. Leo says it's touch and go and that he could use another prayer because Adam was acting like a bear grilling Vanessa about Hayley and Leo told him to beat it. Ryan says, in that case, prayers won't help. Leo switches the subject to Stan Berringer, their investment guru, who says they are already seeing returns. Leo reinvested his profits, except for the $1k he used for his date with Laura. Gillian enters wearing an ugly gray skirt and a bulky foreign-flavored top (Russian? Asian?) They hug and she smiles wanly.

Ryan pours Gillian some coffee or tea, commenting that 4 sugars are coming up. Leo gags and Ryan explains that it's a Hungarian thing. Gillian declines the drink. He asks if she's dizzy again and she says she's fine. He picks her up and twirls her around [not like a baton, but that would be kind of cool, wouldn't it?], offering champagne, caviar and anything else she wants. He suggests Valentine's Day for getting married and she points out that she's not divorced yet. He says he knows that, but she WILL be any day and they she'll be ALL his! Smooches. Laura skips in (without knocking). Leo puffs his cheeks like he's holding in a monumental burp and gives her the shush sign, pointing to the lip-locked couple. Not wanting to break the trance of the love-struck couple, she walks up to them and asks if she's interrupting. Ryan says everything is going great and a little love can't hurt. Having successfully pried them apart, she offers to leave. Leo tells her to wait for him -- all this mushy stuff is bad for his stomach. Ryan asks her to stay and go over projections with him since she's going to do their PR photos.

The phone rings and Gillian gets it. It's Jake, who has relapsed and, once again, is incapable of pronouncing the L's in her name. He wants to come and see her right now. She says it's not a good time. He states that she's pregnant with his child. Gillian says ok-ok, but not HERE. He gets sanctiMartinous [kudos to Aisling (I think) for that word!], sputtering indignantly that she hasn't told Ryan yet! She asks where he is. He says she HAS to tell Ryan what's going on, then says she's on her way, hanging up on him. Ryan innocently inquires as to the nature of the call and she says it was the Library -- she had ordered a book and its come in, so she's going to leave to pick it up. She quietly asks him if he knows how much she loves him. Really. Honestly. Truly. For sure. You betcha. Ryan: "I do know -- every single minute of every single day. They smooch some more and Leo points at them, telling Laura: "Hey! You see my working conditions? It's a real strain."

Gillian leaves and Ryan spins to tell Leo and Laura their next big assignment. They are going to hold a contest and participants are going to submit their most romantic dream, just in time for Valentine's Day! Can Laura work with Leo on this? She says she's doing this job as Independent Study and doesn't have classes [how convenient], so she's all his. They decide to go to the Valley Inn for Eggs Benedict to discuss it.

PINE VALLEY BAR AND GRILL

Greenlee hesitantly walks in and says good morning to Woodruff, who is sitting at a table with her father, Roger. She says she didn't know her father was going to be there and Woody says he didn't know until just that morning. Roger asks if she's been keeping out of trouble. She crosses her arms and asks why he's there and he says he's just passing through -- he's sorry he didn't have her number. she looks hurt, then bucks up and says: "Don't bother, ok, you never call." He says a course in anger management might do her some good. She says: "I'm not angry, I just -- never mind. Are you staying overnight? Maybe we could have dinner." Roger: "I'm leaving just as soon as Woody and I finish our business." Greenlee: "Does what I feel even MATTER to you, Daddy?" Roger: "You know, you mustn't take this so personally, dear. It's not healthy." Greenlee: "I just wish I could see more of you. Well, how's Mother? Does she like Spain?" He tells her Mumsy is back in San Diego and he's going to join her in a couple of hours. Woody stands up and awkwardly says he has calls to make and suggests they have breakfast and catch up. Greenlee's eyes are dark and somewhat unreadable, but readable enough that we know she is hurt and intimidated, yet strong and determined. She asks if he's still mad at her. He says the charges were dropped and she hasn't killed anyone, at least not yet, he presumes. She says she meant about what Leo said about her trust fund. Roger pretends he doesn't know what she's talking about and then remembers, telling her not to be ridiculous -- he's forgotten all about that (i.e., he's not mad about something that is so clearly her fault and Leo's fault). Greenlee: "Then why are you punishing me?"

Greenlee: "Daddy, Leo said some horrible things, and when you left you were so angry." Roger: "Oh, that's right! He accused me of plundering your trust account. [he chuckles indulgently] Impudent! But then that sort always is." Greenlee: "What 'sort' is Leo?" Roger: "The Eurotrash pretty boy who never met an heiress he didn't like. I hope you've kept your distance. She says Leo's not like that. She hesitates and looks down, then says that she trusts him. Roger looks incredulous and somewhat insulted: "You can't possibly believe him, that I would stoop so low as to pilfer my own child's trust account?" Greenlee looks at him searchingly, then smiles hopefully as she says: "I know you love me too much to do something like that." He gives a hesitant look of his own.

Leo and Laura walk in. He stops for a moment to take in the sight of Greenlee and her father at a table. L&L are both distracted by Greenlee and her father and Laura asks if she should try somewhere else. Leo says no. It's not Greenlee, it's her DAD -- he can't believe that loser's back in town already. Laura. "Hmmm. SO what's the brainstorm?" Leo orders 2 cappuccinos and 2 Eggs Benedict. [I suddenly have a craving for scrambled eggs, but I'm out of eggs. I have a craving for chocolate, too, which I'm also out of.] He says Laura now has his undivided attention. What should they name the contest? She suggests "The Dream Weaver Contest". Leo [who really needs a haircut right about now] runs with that: "That's not bad. That's not bad. All our dream weavers will submit their most impossibly romantic dreams?" Laura: "And their dreams come true, courtesy of IncredibleDreams.Com." Leo: "Well, within reason, of course. I mean, there's no honeymoons on Mars or fathering Julia Roberts' child or anything like that." She asks if employees can enter and he says no. She says that's too bad and starts to fantasize.

In her fantasy, Laura, wearing a teal, spaghetti-strapped dress, is on the yacht. She smiles as she sees Leo and walks to meet him in front of the large stained-glass mural. He caresses her face, then bends to kiss her. Lights flicker and curtains billow n the breeze. [Actually, it's downright windy -- looks like a Nor'Easter] Sexy music plays as they run on deck. Leo points to something in the distance and whispers something incredibly sexy into her ear. For no apparent reason, they turn to stand among billowing pieces of white canvas. He holds her neck and kisses her again as the wind creates a new part in the back of her head.

Leo calls her name and brings her back to the reality of the bar. She says she was daydreaming. He asks if she minds sharing and she says it was just girlie stuff. She asks if HE has any incredible dreams. Leo: "Yeah, actually, I do. It involves a vat of chocolate and consenting adults." [He and Greenlee may have already made THAT dream come true] They laugh.

Greenlee, hearing them laugh, looks over her shoulder, chagrined. She tells him she's been thinking. Roger, totally serious: "That's always dangerous, dear." Greenlee takes a breath and continues: "Pine valley's such a drag this time of year. You know, the weather's dreary, the yokels are so -- yokel. How about I come to San Diego and visit you and Mommy? Wouldn't that be fun?" Roger: "No, I'm afraid that's not possible." Greenlee: "Why?" Roger: "Your mother's redoing the house." Greenlee: "Again?" Roger: "Feng Shui this time." Greenlee: "Well, I could stay in the guest house. Please, Daddy, let me come home! I swear, I'll stay out of the way!" Roger: "We both know that never happens."

Greenlee viciously snaps her napkin open and slaps it across her lap hard enough to leave welts as she say: "You have no problem with my MONEY. It's just ME you can't stand!" Roger: "Greenlee --" Greenlee lashes out: "You know, I'm your DAUGHTER, not a PIGGY BANK! I'm going to be out of money if Mommy doesn't find a cheaper hobby!" Roger, cooly detached, as always: "Well, I had hoped that we could have a nice --" Greenlee: "You HOPED you could get in and out of town without seeing me!" Roger stands and buttons his jacket, leaving a perfectly tasty meal untouched: "If I hurry, I can catch an earlier flight. Tell Woody I'll call him." Greenlee watches him, hurt. She stares down at her plate and pushes it away, about to cry. Leo excuses himself from Laura and rushes over to Greenlee, who lifts her head up in resignation and asks what he wants. He thanks her for last night and she asks about his mom. Leo: "Thanks to you, I was there when she woke up." Greenlee: "She's going to be all right, then?" Leo: "It takes everything except a silver bullet to get to Vanessa." He asks after HER parental unit. She pastes a brilliant smile on her face and enthusiastically says: "It was a total surprise! He and Mommy miss me so much they want me to come back there for a visit! I'd rather be anywhere than San Diego in February. It's social death, if you know what I mean, but they even redid my room for me. How could I say no?" Her face looks like it's about to crack. Leo: "Liar." Her smile dies and she tells him to leave her alone and stop pretending he gives a damn about her problems. He stares at her thoughtfully.

In the next scene, Leo is back at his table eating eggs and Greenlee is resolutely eating. She stands to leave and Woody comes back asking where her father went. She says he's on a plane to San Diego, the demands an AUDIT of her trust fund -- TODAY! With another look of grim determination [heh, heh], she clomps off, leaving Woody open-mouthed. Laura comments that Leo knows how to make quite an exit. Leo nods and apologizes for being lousy company, and she excuses him, saying he's on the rebound. Leo: "Yeah, I'm a real chick magnet." Laura: "Well, anyone looking to settle down with Mr. Right should keep moving. But good thing I'm just in it for fun." She smiles at him and he sheepishly raises his eyes at her as he sips his cappuccino. [I study her make-up, which very carefully shapes her eyes into a catlike slant. Methinks some feline plastic surgery is in her future, like that really weird rich lady in Manhattan. I can't wait to see what she looks like with whiskers!]

PINE VALLEY HOSPITAL/MARTIN BABY MATERNITY WARD

Gillian shows up and curtly asks what he wants. Jake thanks her for coming and says he just wants to make sure she's ok. She says she's fine. Jake: Are you sure? I mean, because I know that this pregnancy is the last thing that you expected or that you wanted, and you and Ryan have your whole future ahead of you, and --" Gillian drops the curtness and rambles about how unreal it is to be having a baby. He says it IS real and she HAS to tell Ryan. She asks how can she tell Ryan about it when he's so happy? How can she tell him she's carrying JAKE'S child? It will break his heart! [Jake's brain: "Oh boo-hoo!"] He says Ryan loves her and will accept the child, he KNOWS it. Gillian: "Ryan and I are finally free to be together. How can I ask him to accept your child?" Jake: "Well, you just have to think about this baby." Gillian: "Well, all I can think about is Ryan and how unhappy this will make him. If I decide to --" Jake: "GILLIAN, you CANNOT terminate this pregnancy!"

Jake advances on her menacingly enough that she steps back. Jake: "Gillian, TELL me that you're going to have this child!" Gillian: "I haven't thought that far ahead. I still can't believe I'm pregnant! My body feels the SAME. I have NO maternal feelings. Maybe I'll be a terrible mother!" [Jake's brain: "No problemo -- hand the little sprite over to ME! I'll have you declared unfit -- case closed!"] He insists she's a natural, listing motherly things she did with Colby, like dangling necklaces in front of her face. She says it's complicated. He begs her to tell him she's not going to do anything rash. She says she doesn't know WHAT she's going to do. He says the first thing to do is focus on the child and everything else will fall into place. While you're here, why don't you go in and have a sonogram?" She gets angry and says she's NOT ready for that. Jake: "I just think that if you see a picture of the baby, then --" She tells him to knock it off and he apologizes. Then he pushes her to talk to Dr. Clader. Jake: "There's no commitments, there's no decisions, no tests. Just get some advice from him, ok?" She concedes that she liked volunteering in Dr. Clader's office. He pounds the stake in a little further, saying that she has a FRIEND here who is on her side. What's the harm? She agrees there's no harm in talking to Dr. Clader. He tells her to stay there, he'll be right back. He rushes off, presumably to strong-arm Dr. Clader into leaving the baby that's currently crowning in the Delivery Room so he can soothe Gillian. Gillian stares after him, feeling cornered.

Myrtle, quite the busybody today, strolls into the waiting area and greets Gillian. Myrtle asks if she's there to see the doctor. "Doctor?" questions Gillian as she stands in a hospital waiting area. Myrtle says Jake told her the good news and one's got to start taking care of oneself from the moment one knows oneself is pregnant. Gillian is furious: "You know I'm PREGNANT? I can't believe this!" Myrtle: "Oh, it's a secret?" [This from the woman who has dispensed tea and sympathy to young people since before I was born, who gave her daughter up for adoption from the Fanny Battle Home For Unwed Mothers after her lover died in a tragic acrobatic fall in the carny] Gillian: "No! No, he had no RIGHT!" Myrtle: "But, darling, you have to understand he's very, very excited about it!" Gillian whirls on her: "I don't CARE! He shouldn't have DONE that!" [I hope she sues his sorry ass!]

Gillian pleads with Myrtle: "Myrtle, this child isn't his! It CAN'T be. Can you talk to him, please?" Myrtle: "Well, look, darling, I tried, but he's just full of excitement about this baby!" Gillian: "Well, no matter what happens, somebody's going to get hurt. I don't know what to do!" Myrtle: "Darling, look -- look, it's going to work out somehow, but the important thing is, take care of yourself. Promise?" Myrtle chucks her on the chin and walks away. Gillian looks desolate and undecided as she says to the air: "What am I going to do?" She walks out.

Jake and Dr. Clader walk into the waiting area as Jake says: "Well, she hasn't seen a doctor yet and, frankly, she's a little shaky about the pregnancy. But she trusts you." Dr. Clader warmly remembers Gillian volunteering for him. Jake looks around, but doesn't see Gillian. He starts to breathe heavily: "Um -- she was just here."

BACK ON THE YACHT O' DOOM & BAD MANNERS

Dimitri and Edmund, who are apparently attached at the hip now, hop on their three legs into the main cabin. Edmund says they saw the police tape and ask about any news on Vanessa Cortlandt's shooting. Ryan: "No, they're still trying to sort it out. Thank God she's going to be all right! Shooting, the drugged punch, a nearly drowned guest, and your wife's disappearance -- this boat is definitely cursed!" Edmund apparently has a dandruff problem or some other skin condition, because he keeps scratching behind his right ear. [I watch for his leg to start spinning, but it stays curiously inert]. Dimitri uses his hands to sort imaginary library books as he says they've been able to link David Hayward to a Ly-beed-o-zone shipment. Ryan jumps up and says: "I KNEW IT!" Dimitri tells him not to jump the gun -- they need hard evidence to link David to the spiking the punch and Alex's disappearance. They said they didn't find anything in Bristol, which is why they are there -- maybe they missed something. Dimitri excuses himself to answer his cell phone and yells hello so loudly that I jump in my chair. It's Alex who says: "It's Alex."

Dimitri: "ALEX!" Edmund, looking mildly concerned says: "What?" Dimitri: "WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU SAFE?" Alex: "Yeah, I'm fine. I love you." She's standing in a room with wood paneling. There's a gold-toned painting next to her -- looks a little marshy. Dimitri: "WELL, YEAH, I -- I LOVE YOU, TOO. NOW, PLEASE, DARLING, TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!" Alex: "No, not now, darling. I can't." Dimitri: "ALEX, WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Alex looks wary, as if someone might be coming back into the room: "I wish I could tell you, but I can't. Not yet." She hangs up. Dimitri: "ALEX, HAVE YOU BEEN TAKEN AGAINST YOUR WILL? IS IT HAYWARD? DID HAYWARD ABDUCT YOU? ALEX? ALEX!" [All this yelling is giving me a headache -- I don't blame her for hanging up on him] Edmund with no particular interest in the conversation: "What is it?" Dimitri (dropping his voice to a whisper): "Hold on, hold on. I lost her. I lost her again!"

BACK AT DAVID'S OFFICE OF ILL REPUTE

The camera focuses close-up on three hands grappling with the Libidozone vial. [for a moment, I absurdly think it's like a Police Squad movie (I ALWAYS think of Leslie Nielson when I see Dr. Clader, anyway) where there's a 3rd arm there, but it turns out to be 2 of David's roaming hands and 1 of Leslie's] David: "I never should have made this!" He locks it in his flimsy desk drawer. Leslie: "What are you doing?" David: "I'm going to dispose of it later." Leslie: "You can't!" David: "It's not your call." She comes around the desk and tries to grab the key. Leslie: "No!" David: "GET OUT!" Dixie walks up outside David's office and overhears Leslie threatening him: "If you don't give it to me, I will tell Dixie more than she EVER wants to know about you!" Dixie stares at the door, but doesn't seem to react much.

ON THE NEXT AMC:

At the condo, Adam walks up to Hayley, who is still dressed like the slutty Arlene, and lovingly says: "How are you, sweetheart?" He puts his hands on her shoulders and she whips around, slamming him in the gut with her elbow. He keels over, the breath knocked out of him. Mateo stares at them, waiting for his turn to say something.

At the PV Bar and Grill Bianca accuses Erica: "You were a lot younger than I was when you first had sex, weren't you?"

Dixie stands in front of David in his office, eyes down, and says: "I just heard what Leslie said."

Leslie is on the phone in one of the doctor's offices (probably David's) and says to Tad: "It's about David. You were right about him. I'm ready to give you all the proof you need."

Irreverently Submitted

Robin "will Leslie still be in this world come March?" Coutellier

2001: BC - Mon-Tue, 1/29-30/01

I LOVED it when Derek said no one could get on or off that boat without them (the PVPD) knowing about it -- BWAAHAAHAHAHAHAA!!!! A marching elephant band setting off fireworks could (and probably have) sneak onto that boat without them knowing about it!

Isn't it time someone bought Jake a Betsy-Wetsy doll? A puppy? Maybe even a goldfish? That man has a SERIOUS daddy complex.

I have NO sympathy for Dixie at this point. I can't WAIT to see her face when she finds out about everything David did to manipulate her and the circumstances around her to get her into bed! The fact that Cady McLain does such a great job with her expressions will make it that much better.

Speaking of Dixie, why were her curls still bouncy after having sex and sleeping on her hair?

When Derek gives orders and everyone totally ignores him, as usual, does anyone else get reminded of the movie Animal House when everyone is panicking at the end and the one guy is standing amid the chaos and screaming in a frenzy at everyone to remain calm and that everything is under control?

When Marian saw Vanessa's prone body on deck with Palmer hovering over her, and she said, "Oh my God, this can't be happening!", did anyone else think she was going to ask Palmer if she should get Adam to slip her overboard -- after all, Adam is good at that kind of thing.

That's an amazingly clear cell phone Derek is using, considering he was (as previously mentioned by someone) holding the mouthpiece up to his forehead whenever he spoke. I wonder which carrier he has, 'cause I'm not sure I want to stay with Sprint PCS.

When Mateo told Adam that Derek was their best bet, how many of you immediately yelled "YOU ARE ***DOOMED***!"? On the plus side, as long as Mateo is on deck, his teeth should be sufficient to keep other ships from crashing on the rocks during the storm.

Did you hear Dr. Joe refer to Vanessa as "Vanessie"? Shaqqie, your nickname (I THINK it's yours) has hit the scripts (well, it's only a matter of time until they preface it with "Darth" and drop the "Va")!

So Adam has "hired extra Security", huh? How many does that make now, 500 or so guards? And anyone at all can STILL just walk up to the unlocked front door.

Robin "Vanessa's New Theme Song: Take ANOTHER Little Piece of My Heart, Now Baby!" Coutellier

2001: Detailed Friday Update, 1/26/01

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Rain to Bianca: "If you're up for some mindless fun, I'm your girl!" Bianca: "Let's go!"

Greenlee: "This is Leo du Pres's personal assistant. I'm calling to confirm a reservation."

Tad: "Sleeping with you is the worst mistake I ever made!"

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica is on the phone, being informed by a teacher that Bianca never showed up at school that day. She's furious because it's almost dinnertime and she's just now finding this out. She slams the phone down and tells Jack that Bianca is missing and never went to school that day.

Later, Erica is on the phone trying to locate Bianca. Erica is inexplicably wearing a sleeveless top in the dead of winter. Jack wanders in asking if she's made any progress. He doesn't think Bianca has run away, since her room seems to be in its usual state of controlled chaos. However, Coral indicated to him that she didn't think Bianca slept in her bed last night. Erica starts to flip out, but he calms her down. Then he asks about the psychologist and she tells him that she had to fire her. He's disappointed. She rages at him, asking why everyone is ganging up on her, when she's afraid she's losing her daughter forever!

PINE VALLEY MALL

Rain and Bianca are standing in front of a sign about a two-for-one body- piercing sale, and Rain is trying to convince Bianca to get her nose pierced. Bianca says her mother would have puppies! Rain says she's grounded for the rest of her life, ANYWAY, so she might as well go out with a bang.

Leo walks up to Laura and takes out a 100% calfskin leather coat -- very Tribeca! It's a gift for Laura for their date in New York. She's VERY impressed and kisses him. They don't realize that Greenlee is standing behind a post watching them, crestfallen.

Bianca asks if Rain minds sharing her money with her. Rain matter-of- factly tells her not to worry about it -- what's Rain's is hers. Then Rain asks if Bianca is still thinking of getting a nose-ring like hers. Bianca jokes that now it's a RING instead of a stud [I can see that -- studs won't do her much good, anyway :-)]? Rain says she has the perfect face for it. They spy Leo and Laura and walk over to talk with them. Leo asks them to tell Laura how great she looks in her new coat. They comply, then Rain asks how much it cost. Leo says he bought the coat for their hot date in New York, which includes a limousine. Naturally, Greenlee overhears this, despite being 20 feet away, people walking around and the loud mall-music being piped in. He asks if they know the best places to eat and be seen [isn't that HIS job?] Laura asks if he's always been this shallow and he says he needs their help because she's spent way too much time behind the Great Wall of China and is in need of a total groove adjustment. She socks him in the arm as Greenlee intently listens. Bianca says they have a bigger problem, pointing to Greenlee. He says there's only one way to get rid of a mole -- smoke it out. He steps over to Laura and starts making out with her. Greenlee is crushed.

Greenlee walks over to another post. Leo and Laura break suction and he asks if she's ready to go now, calling her Chairman Mao. She tells him he's going to New York alone if he ever kisses her like that again without asking or calls her Chairman Mao again. They say goodbye to Bianca and Rain and start to walk away. Greenlee is still behind a post, but Leo says hi and asks how it's hanging over there behind the pole. Greenlee huffs nonchalantly and asks if he has a limo waiting. He says they do and asks if Laura want to add anything. She says it would take all night. Greenlee glares at them. They leave and Greenlee stomps over to Rain and Bianca, asking why they told Leo she was there. Bianca pretends to be surprised and asks if it was a secret. Greenlee: "Don't think I don't know what the two of you are doing here, trolling the mall for spare change and dates!" Rain: "Trust me, Trust Fund, if we wanted dates, we'd have them." Greenlee: "Oh. Oh, is that right? Are you two a gay item now?" Rain: "Bianca, can I kill her?" Bianca pulls her away and says she thinks she'll get that nose ring after all (loudly emphasizing the words NOSE RING). Rain suggests that they get matching silver hoops. Greenlee calls them losers, then clomps away.

HAYLEY AND MATEO'S ROOM AT ADAM'S HOUSE

Mateo is sprawled out on the bed asleep, looking like he's posing for a Playgirl spread. The camera pans to the drinks on the nightstand with the sleeping pills next to them. He momentarily wakes, calls for Hayley, then turns over and goes back to sleep.

THE PIT

Hayley is tarted up as Arlene and writing a note on stationery with the name Arlene Chandler at the top [when did Arlene stop long enough to take her stationery with her?] The note says: "Things were never great. I know I wasn't the perfect mom, but I didn't think I could raise such a bad kid! Hayley turned on me, and there's only one way to make up for that."

She's interrupted by Bud, who comes up and asks if she's missed him. She chuckles seductively and says "Buckets, Buuud"; they embrace and she passionately kisses him -- he runs his hands all over her and she laps it up. She asks him to dance with her. As she starts to the dance floor, he pulls be back against him and says he wants a SLOOOW dance. She says he'll get his wish, but she's going to make him wait for her. He runs his hands over her thighs and says he doesn't WANT to wait. Haylene: "But I'm worth it -- can't you tell?" She's coyly smiling and lolling back against him. He wants to go somewhere for a PRIVATE dance. She says she's good for it, but she has a letter to deliver. He urges her to wait until tomorrow, since it's icy outside. She says she has sinners to unmask and a yacht to haunt and laughs over the name of the yacht -- The Fidelity. He tells her to stay there and stop talking crazy. She says she's crazy like a FOX, kisses him, asks him to keep her seat warm, and strolls out, laughing evilly.

HAYLEY AND MATEO'S ROOM AT ADAM'S HOUSE

Mateo slowly comes to as Adam pounds on the door. Adam is yelling for Hayley. Mateo grumbles at him as he opens the door. Adam, Liza and Marian spill into the room and Adam demands to know where Hayley is. Mateo doesn't know and Adam berates him for it. Mateo says he went to sleep and now his head hurts. Adam asks if Mateo got a letter like the pink one he holds up. Mateo holds his head and says he doesn't know. Liza notices that there's water running in the bathroom. Hayley emerges from the bathroom, brushing her teeth. She's dressing in a black, low-cut, skin-tight top and matching pants. Kelly Ripa's pregnancy has noticeably manifested itself in the form of jiggling breasts and actual cleavage instead of the usual concave hollows. When she turns sideways, the somewhat bulging belly is apparent. She asks what's going on and Adam shows her the note, saying they all got one -- did they? The note says Arlene wants them to go to the yacht tonight. Hayley mildly freaks and asks what Arlene WANTS from them! Adam says she wants them to confess that they tried to kill her.

Hayley freaks some more and Mateo escorts her to a chair, telling her to calm down. They rehash their predicament and Hayley wails some more about what Arlene wants from them. Marian suggests they go to the police. Adam says she just wants them to be miserable, not to mention a lot of cash. They all decide they are going to the yacht. Hayley walks over to the door and picks up a pink letter that no one had noticed prior to that. The note reads: "To my darling, destructive daughter and her over- protective hubby: Come to the Fidelity tonight at 8:00 P.M. And confess. Confess your crimes!" Hayley sighs heavily and clings to Mateo as he hugs her.

TAD & DIXIE'S HOUSE

Tad shows up while Dixie is ironing and folding laundry. Tad had remembered that tonight they were supposed to go to Mount Oak (what happened to Mount Evangeline?) on a skiing trip. Dixie is VERY nervous and awkward. She says she's glad that he still wants to do things together for the kids. Her face falls when he says he wants to take the boys alone. She quickly recovers and goes to pack Junior's things.

Dixie comes back and is nervously rambling on about Junior needing ski pants because she doesn't want him skiing in his jeans. Tad assures her that they were going to stop at the mall, anyway, to buy extra-thick socks. Dixie asks what they are doing, dividing their time between the kids and packing for a trip they had planned together. He says she asked him to leave. She mournfully says that it was a BIG mistake.

Tad says he's made mistakes, too, principal of which is letting David Hayward get anywhere NEAR them. Dixie closes her eyes in shame. Tad: "I saw him coming a mile away. I knew he was going after you, and I knew what he wanted, and I didn't do enough about it. I keep thinking if I had tried just a little harder, somehow I might have been able to prevent this. Now we're never going to know. And I'm always going to regret that. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough for us." Dixie: "And I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you." They sadly look at each other.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Although it seems impossible, Susan Lucci appears to have lost even MORE weight -- either that or her cheeks have been liposuctioned and over-rouged, because they are looking downright SHARP. Erica still can't locate Bianca and wonders if she went to New York again. She can't reach Leo on his cell phone, either. She apologizes to Jack for getting on his case earlier and says she's doing the best she can. Jack: "I know that. I do. I'm just afraid you're so anxious to get the answer here that maybe you're not hearing the question your daughter's asking you." He says maybe Bianca is asking for her help [gee, ya think?] Erica says Bianca is angry at her ALL THE TIME and she's going around making these great big proclamations about herself when she's too young to know it is true. And she's MISSING! Jack points out that she could walk through the door at any moment, and when she DOES, Erica should do everything she possibly can to KEEP her there. The doorbell rings and Erica rushes to answer it, starting to say Bianca's name [what, Bianca doesn't have a key to a door that's always unlocked anyway?] It's Greenlee. When Erica sees her, she holds up her hand and shrilly tells her she doesn't want any. She starts to slam the door, but Greenlee says she has news. Erica says she doesn't WANT her news, she doesn't have TIME for her news, LEO doesn't want her news-- Greenlee says it's about Bianca and Erica's hands fly to her face with fear. Erica: "Oh, please! She's all right, isn't she? Please let her be all right!" Greenlee: "Yeah, yeah, she's peachy. She's at the mall." Erica: "The mall?" Greenlee: "Yeah, she and her weather friend -- you know, snow, sleet --" Erica: "Rain?" Greenlee: "Yes. How do you feel about body piercing?" Erica and Jack practically shove Greenlee out of the way as they run out carrying their coats, but not bothering to put them on, despite Erica's aforementioned sleeveless top. Greenlee shivers (her jacket isn't zipped) and smiles, saying they'll thank her later.

TAD AND DIXIE'S HOUSE

Dixie gulps and says maybe they need some time and a little help. Junior comes in and is happy to see them both standing there. He's THRILLED that they are going on the trip that he assumed had been canceled. Dixie warns him against broken legs. He catches on that she's not going and loses all his enthusiasm. He glumly says maybe he should stay home with Dixie, and Tad and Jamie can go alone. Dixie pleads with him to go and says she'll have a great time pampering herself. He thinks it would just be really weird for her not to be there. She thanks him for worrying about her, hugs him and tells him not to worry so much. She reminds him that Tad is going to be making a mall run, and Junior goes to get whatever he wants to bring.

Dixie and Tad awkwardly discuss room numbers and telephone calls and he says he wants to take the 4x4. More foreshadowing about icy roads. She thanks him for doing it for the kids and says it really means a lot. Tad has already packed Junior's gear in the car and he explains that they really have to get going to make good time. Dixie watches with barely concealed pain. Junior and Dixie bid a fond farewell and Tad quietly tells her to try not to worry about "us".

Dixie goes back to her laundry, but is interrupted by a knock at the door. Amazingly enough, it is NOT David Hayward. Rather, it is Palmer and Vanessa, there to stir up shit and tell her things for her own good. Dixie says Tad and the boys just left to go skiing. Vanessa: "Are you sure--" Palmer cuts her off by sharply saying her name. Dixie says she's sure and asks if everything is okay. Vanessa starts to say something, but Palmer steamrolls on about snow and being great for skiing. He asks how things are going. Dixie thinks quietly for a few moments and says they need a lot of work, but she thinks Tad wants to come back to her, like she wants him to come back. Vanessa: "Oh HONESTLY, you poor deluded girl (gasp)--" Palmer cuts her off again and Dixie demands to know what Vanessa means by "deluded". By would she be deluded for wanting Tad to come back? Vanessa is chomping at the bit to tell her, but a look from Palmer just makes her gasp and toss her head in frustration. They have an entire non-verbal conversation (consisting of things like "sit!", "Stay!" "Heel!" "Shut up!").

Palmer begs Vanessa not to speak, but Vanessa says Dixie should not hear it from someone out on the street -- it should come from them. She tells Dixie that she and Palmer overheard Tad at the Valley Inn in what sounded like a lover's quarrel with that squirrel, Leslie Coulsen [in insult to squirrels everywhere!] -- the woman was half-undressed in the HALLWAY! Dixie looks nonplussed. Palmer and Vanessa continue to tersely bicker about breaking the news. She relates that Tad was saying "I'm sorry I ever slept with you in the FIRST place!" Dixie makes a grim face and turns, getting an ever increasing look of dread on her face. With her back to them, she asks if this was a few months ago after everyone got sick after the yacht party. Vanessa says it was just a short while ago. Dixie is crushed, then disillusioned and angry, but still facing away and keeping control for the moment. She asks if Tad came to her just now, right away after seeing HER? Palmer says he's never been a fan of Tad, but he certainly never wanted this to happen. Is there anything they can do? Maybe they misunderstood. Dixie finally turns back to them. She firmly and resolutely says she's SURE they didn't misunderstand. She thanks them for stopping by and asks them to leave so she can be alone. She's ever the thoughtful hostess and she thanks them again and again, like a cabin attendant at the end of a flight, as she holds the door open to usher them out.

She calmly walks back to fold her laundry some more, then stops, puts her head in her hands for a moment, then throws the laundry basket across the room [I can tell you from experience that that is NOT a satisfactory throw -- this kind of anger really requires actual breakage, and plastic and cloth just don't cut it]. She paces, pulling at her hair, rubbing her face, then sitting on the couch to stare mournfully at their wedding photo. She makes a decision, grabs her keys and runs out without so much as a sweater. At least HER thin top has sleeves.

HAYLEY AND MATEO'S ROOM AT ADAM'S HOUSE

Mateo shakes the pink letter as he comforts Hayley and says that the woman is CRAZY. Adam says he's taking care of her once and for all, TONIGHT! Hayley says they should go and confront her together like she wants. Sounding like a citizen of the "Gulch" town in Blazing Saddles, Liza says Hayley is right, they should all go together as a family, since Arlene is trying to ruin the ENTIRE family; they have to show an united front. Howard Johnson--er--Adam says Liza is right. In an unusual display of intelligence, Mateo asks if it's a trap. Adam says she can't trap ALL of them. [Oh no? Ever heard of fire on a boat? An explosion, maybe? Sea serpents? Greenlee?] Hayley, also showing unusual intelligence, actually puts her leather jacket on before they leave.

PINE VALLEY MALL

Erica rushes through the mall looking for Bianca. She HAS put on a coat, though. Bianca and Rain bounce back into the food court in front of them and Rain jokes about the small ring that now adorns Bianca's face like a semi-precious booger. Erica sighs her name in relief and rushes over. Bianca does NOT look pleased and asks what she's doing there. Erica notices the nose-ring and, horrified demands to know what she's done to her BEAUTIFUL FACE! Bianca stutters. Rain: "Hey, what about mine?" Erica says she MUTILATED her daughter! Jack chimes in that he doesn't want to be a hypocrite with his tattoos, but he wasn't 16 at the time and there's a little thing called Parental Consent which the store should know about! Bianca laughs tells them it's okay and she pulls the clip-on nose-ring off. She says she didn't do anything, so there's no reason to get freaked out. Erica begs to differ, since she stayed out all night and cut school with this, this MALL RAT! Bianca says they've just been hanging out. Erica says she knows Rain sleeps on the street -- did Bianca do that? Bianca says no, she just couldn't deal with school today and wanted to spend some time alone. Erica points out that she WASN'T alone, she was with this-- Erica turns to Rain and says: "And YOU! You are OUT of my daughter's life -- for GOOD -- effective yesterday! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? You are never to come near my daughter again!" Erica hauls Bianca (who is wearing her "GAAA!!" face, away. Rain cheerily says: "Later, Bianca!" Jack turns to her and tells her that, considering what just happened, he thinks the possibility of "later" is pretty slim. She puts on her "Damn!" face and turns away as he leaves. [I wonder how her green jacket stays so pristinely clean and pressed]

BACK AT ERICA'S HOUSE

Bianca slams Erica for being so mean to Rain. Erica says Rain encourages Bianca to do irresponsible and dangerous things! Bianca puts on her "GAA!!" face again, makes that thwucking sound with her tongue and teeth and turns to Jack for assistance. He holds up his hand and says he doesn't think she should stay out all night or stay out of school all day to shop for a nose-ring! Bianca spits back that RAIN gets along just FINE! Erica says she doesn't CARE about Rain. Bianca: "I KNOW!" Erica says Jack had to file a missing person's report and he says he now has to cancel it -- she stayed out all night and they love her too much to be casual about this! Bianca: "All right, all right! But I'm not six years old -- I can take care of myself!" Erica: "Oh really? Panhandling? Sleeping in the streets? Telling anyone who'll listen that your a sixteen-year-old lesbian?" Bianca: "A-HA! THAT'S what this is about, isn't it!" Erica insists it is not and that, to quote Bianca, she is "SO GROUNDED" that it's not even funny. Bianca nastily says "Surprise, surprise!" and runs to her room in a huff. Jack rubs the bridge of his nose and Erica paces in frustration. She's rails on about how Bianca is acting. Jack tells her she just has to be patient. Erica: "WHAT? She's becoming a MONSTER!" [Welcome to hell, Erica] Jack says that every parent, God willing, eventually has a teenager and hers just happens to be a little more inventive [I haven't seen any evidence of that yet -- except for the lesbian part, she's been pretty run-of-the-mill, actually]. Jack ushers her to the kitchen and says he'll make her a cup of tea. She snidely asks if he doesn't have anything stronger than tea [it's YOUR house, Erica, you tell HIM]

Bianca sneaks down the stairs and opens the door. She had heard Rain throwing pebbles at the window. Rain tells her she has to bolt -- TONIGHT! She can't do the shelter scene anymore, it's too cold to sleep on the street, and the security guard at the mall tossed her out. She has to rail it now, but she wanted to say goodbye. Bianca says she can't do that. Rain says normally she just leaves. Bianca: "I thought you said the railcar thing was DANGEROUS!" Rain: "I'll handle it." Bianca says "No WAY!" and pulls her inside, saying she'll stay there. Rain balks at Erica's imminent reaction. Bianca says the place has, like, 200 bedrooms-- she's staying the night, and that's IT!

PINE VALLEY MALL

Tad and the boys walk into the food court as Jamie tells him about Junior pushing David Hayward off the barstool. Junior says he TOLD Jamie not to say anything. Tad is perplexed and wants to know why Junior wouldn't want him to know. Junior says he was afraid Tad would get mad -- Mom, too. Tad reluctantly says he guesses this is the part where he's supposed to say getting physical to get even isn't a very good idea. Junior brightens and says he did good, though, didn't he? Tad barely stifles a grin and says yes. HOWEVER, he doesn't want him going anywhere NEAR David Hayward again -- if he gets mad, come to Tad with it. Junior agrees. Tad says that, in the meantime, they should use their energies to make things right back at home. He's not making any promises, but anything is possible. They leave to hit the slopes.

THE PIT

Dixie walks in rubbing her arms (but her nipples are completely non-erect, despite the freezing temperatures and a soft-cup bra). Bud asks if she's okay and the waitress asks where her coat is. She says her car got skidded off the road. He wonders if it's that one in the ditch outside [no, it's in the ditch INside]. the waitress wonders if they should call a tow-truck. Bud says they can try, but he thinks she'll probably have to stay there until "this thing is over" (more foreshadowing of the storm and it's consequences [maybe a giant wave will swamp The Fidelity!] Bud offers her a drink and she requests coffee. As she sits and stares out into the storm, David Hayward walks up and rubs her shoulder, asking if he can help. She looks up at him, gulping in pain. Adam's PI, Duffy, walks in. Bud spies him (so to speak) and asks if he's still looking for Arlene. He says she's was going to some boat, the Fidelity. She makes him nuts! She's there now and has a red coat. Duffy remembers Adam saying: "I need you to find Arlene before the police find her. The change of plan is this: I never want to see her face again." He thanks Bud and walks out.

THE FIDELITY

Hayley, Mateo, Adam, Liza and Marian walk in with trepidation. Adam asks what the devil Palmer is doing there (with Vanessa). Palmer says Adam's ex-wife sent them a note telling them to meet her there at 8pm if they wanted to get Vanessa's necklace back. Hayley says she sent them ALL notes -- what she wants to know is WHY. "GOOD QUESTION" says our intrepid Lt. Frye as he walks in, "it's not every day you get a handwritten invitation to a confession." Adam demands to know what he's talking about. Derek reads the note: "'Come to the Fidelity at 8pm if you want to see the guilty punished' -- don't all speak at once!" Vanessa and Palmer look perplexed -- the Chandlers and Santos's all look sideways at each other like a PV crowd at a wedding when the preacher asks if there's any reason why a couple shouldn't get married.

ON THE NEXT ALL MY CHILDREN

David whispers to Dixie that she needs him as much as he needs her. He grabs her and kisses her. She kisses back.

On deck, Vanessa walks up to a blonde in a red coat and jerks her around, exclaiming: "There you are, you THIEVING TRAMP! Honestly!" She is surprised to see that it's Hayley.

Jake shrugs and tells Gillian she's pregnant. Gillian looks flummoxed.

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "flummoxed: another cool word" Coutellier

2000: BC - Detailed Friday Update, 12/22/00 (BIANCA COMES OUT TO ERICA)

[NOTE: This update is extra long because it contains a lot of direct quotes from some very powerful scenes involving Bianca.]

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

Mateo, Hayley, Liza and Adam crowd around the front door as Derek tells Adam: "I have a few questions I need to ask you about the whereabouts of Arlene Chandler."

At the Valley Inn, Jack asks Erica: "What, exactly, did Hayward say?" Erica: "He actually said something really OBSCENE about Bianca and her roommate, Sarah!"

Bianca opens the front door to go meet Erica at the Valley Inn, but sees Sarah on the doorstep: "Sarah!"


VALLEY INN LOBBY

Erica thanks the reporters for being there and promises excitement about the new Enchantment campaign. She urges them to pig out at the buffet while they wait for her beautiful daughter, Bianca. Bruce, the prima-donna photographer, mutters about Erica's damn kid always screwing things up. Erica accosts him as his mouth bulges with hors d'ouevres. She angrily asks what he's doing there, since he's no longer working on the campaign. He says he's working for one of the trades now.

Brooke walks up to Jack and says hello. He jokingly asks if she's cover Erica's hoopla for Tempo, but she says she's just there for lunch. Brooke asks what Erica is up to and he says she's about to introduce Bianca as part of their mother-daughter campaign. Brooke gets angry and says Erica SHOULD be introducing her daughter to a THERAPIST! She needs help, considering SHE'S the one who pushed Laura overboard! Jack gives his patented upper-body sway/head-tilt 1/2 twist and asks if Erica knows this. She says yes, but Erica is in her usual denial and Bianca is suffering as a result. Erica walks up: "How DARE you!"

Jack steps in before any real damage can be done and tells Brooke that he has a hard time believing the story. She says it's all over the news that Libidozone had been given to almost everyone one the yacht. Bianca saw Leo and Laura kissing, got jealous and pushed Laura overboard. Erica protests that there was NOTHING between Leo and Bianca, so there was no jealousy, thus no motive. Jack pulls Erica to the side to have a "private" chat. Jack tells her that he HAS read the news reports AND he was there and was affected himself, if she will recall. Erica: "Affected so much that you would push somebody overboard?" He tells her to hear him out. He says maybe Bianca was affected by the drug and saw Leo and Bianca kissing. He stumbles over his words a little before finding his stride: "I think that maybe Bianca doesn't have feelings for Leo. I think maybe she has feelings for Laura." Erica: "Are you out of your MIND?" This catches the attention of a reporter, who starts scribbling, and both Erica and Jack clam up temporarily. They start up again, albeit more quietly. Jack: "I am not saying that I believe Brooke's story about Bianca pushing her into the water. What I'm saying is we have been seeing certain signs from your daughter and from other people. Now, your daughter is obviously struggling, honey. Bianca is struggling with something. It's clear. Now, I'll tell you what I think she's struggling with. Her sexuality." Erica blinks at him in consternation, then puncheslaps him. She glares at him, then totters unsteadily through the crowd of reporters, rubbing her hand. [As I watched the odd way she trotted out, especially in that dress with that hairstyle, I couldn't help but think of Sally Field in Soap Dish :-)] Brooke stares at Jack, who appears to be trying to realign his jaw.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Bianca, wearing a sparkling navy dress to match her mother's dress, asks Sarah what she's doing there. After making sure Erica isn't home, Sarah asks to come in. She's bearing a gift. She looks around and nervously says the house was what she expected, then comments that the dress is not Bianca's usual afternoon attire of t-shirts and sweatpants. She hands the gift to Bianca. Bianca asks if she's trying to make her cry. Sarah gets serious and begs her to open it. Bianca sadly takes it to the side and opens it. It's a new journal. Sarah: "For your new memories." Bianca stares at her, still hurt and bitter over Sarah's betrayal of planning to get married. Sarah stares up at Erica's portrait and says "She's everywhere, isn't she?" Bianca snaps that it's HER house! She demands to know why Sarah drove all the way down from Boston -- surely to give her the Christmas present? Something happened, didn't it? Sarah admits that's true. Her mother sort of lost it after Bianca had left her hotel room. She seemed afraid that Sarah would run away with Bianca, so she moved the wedding up -- to tomorrow! She thinks that will seal the deal and that will be that. Sarah says it will be good for her mother and good for Ian. Bianca asks what about her? Sarah says she guesses she's letting other people decide about that. Bianca heaves a sigh of frustration and asks what this is about -- is she asking--? Sarah says yes and begs for Bianca's help.

Bianca wants to know how she can possibly help. Sarah whines: "I can't believe this is happening to me!" Bianca: "Sarah, nothing is happening to you that you can't stop!" Did Ian try to do something to her? No, he wouldn't hurt her or anybody else. Bianca: "Well, then what do you want from me? You BROKE UP with me. I told you what I want, what I would do to make it happen, and you're marrying Ian tomorrow!" Sarah protests that she doesn't WANT that. Bianca tells her SHE has to change it, but Sarah says she can't do that -- she's not as strong as Bianca. Sarah: "My mother keeps telling me that everything is going to be fine, that my wedding day will be the happiest day of my life. Except -- that's already happened -- with you." Bianca looks at Sarah with angry hurt and her voice trembles as she says: "So what? Do you want me to make up your mind for you?" Sarah: "I want YOU! I want what we had! I want that with YOU. And I'll never be what my mom wants me to be! Maybe you can pull that off with your mom, but _I_ can't!" Bianca: "Whoa! You think I'm who my mom wants me to be?" Sara points out that Bianca is even starting to dress like Erica [heh, heh, heh]. Bianca says that she wouldn't be there if Sarah had come with her that afternoon in New York -- she's here doing this now because she doesn't have Sarah. Sarah tearfully says: "I'm here now." Bianca is stunned, but hopeful. She asks what Sarah is REALLY saying, because she couldn't take it if Sarah didn't REALLY mean it! Sarah says she can't marry Ian tomorrow. Bianca shakes her head and steps toward Sarah as Sarah says: "Not unless you help me through it! [I'm beginning to see why Erica doesn't like this girl] Help me to be strong, like you are!" Bianca, let down once again, resignedly says: "Sarah, what are you trying to do to me?" [Yeah, what she said!] Sarah says that Bianca can pull this off -- she can stay in Erica's house and be anything her mom wants her to be for as long as she needs to do it. Then she can move on and be herself. Sarah says that Bianca gave her an out that day -- she would have run away with her. Obviously Bianca is strong and can survive ANYTHING! Sarah: "I CAN'T!" If Sarah had said yes that day, Bianca would have gone with her. Bianca explodes: "But you DIDN'T -- NOW LOOK AT ME!!!" Bianca turns away. Sarah says they both know it's not going to stay this way forever, but she doesn't have it in her to be who she is -- she has to be somebody else. Bianca grits her teeth and says she doesn't know what Sarah wants from her. Sarah: "I want you to say it's going to be ok. I want you to tell me that I'm not going to be unhappy for the rest of my life! I want you to let me go." [Huh? I don't know about Bianca, but I think _I'm_ getting whiplash] Bianca: "Sarah -- I can't do that. I love you and that has never changed, not for one minute!" Sarah says that's why she knows Bianca is going to be ok. She can say what she feels and OWN it! She'll be able to tell her mother the truth one day because she believes what's in her own heart -- Sarah CAN'T! Bianca turns on her and darts her tear-filled eyes, saying that Sarah is SO WRONG about her! Sarah came there for her help, but she can't even help herself!

Bianca asks Sarah if she's BLIND! What is it that Bianca is able to do that Sarah is not? Bianca can't tell her mother she is gay -- not now, not ever, because her mother would fall apart. She knows because she's tried! Bianca: "I have tried to say, 'Mom, I want you to know who I am. I want you to know Sarah because I know that if you could see how special she is, there is no way that you couldn't love her, too.' My mom can't accept who I am, Sarah, and you won't accept us, so where does that leave us?" Sarah: "You'll be able to tell her. You're strong enough to do it. I know you are!" Bianca: "Sarah, would you just shut up? I'm not strong! You're not strong! The only thing that is strong here is our FEAR, and it's winning, Sarah! We're letting it win!" Bianca spins and walks across the room.

Sarah brings up a memory of them breaking out of the school to play on the swingsets at the school next door, and Bianca saying she was trying to kick the stars. Bianca: "Yeah. And you said I couldn't." Sarah: "And you said you could do anything. That's the difference between you and me [...] I still love you." Bianca: "I know. I know you do." They both gulp and stare painfully at each other. Sarah steps toward Bianca and they desperately hug each other, crying. Bianca closes her eyes and caresses the back of Sarah's head, cherishing Sarah and the moment as if it were their last. When she opens her eyes, she sees Erica standing in the doorway. Erica's face falls and she looks like she's going to hurl as she gives Bianca a questioning head tilt.

As a horrified Erica watches, Bianca suddenly breaks the embrace and steps back in terror like a kid caught playing doctor. Sarah turns around and Erica gathers her wits and slams the door. Erica demands to know what Sarah is doing there -- hasn't she caused them all enough pain? Sarah stutters that she was just bringing Bianca a gift from Boston. Erica says maybe she didn't make herself clear in NY -- Sarah is NOT welcome in her home, even WITH a gift! Bianca finds her voice again and steps forward, begging Erica not to do this. Erica blazes ahead, castigating Sarah for detaining Bianca while a dozen reporters wait for her debut at the Valley Inn. Bianca pleads with Erica not to do this right now. Erica asks if she has to call her personal security guards to make SURE that she leaves? [Erica has security guards? They aren't very effective, considering anyone at all can come to her door and people routinely let themselves in to lie in wait for her] Bianca yells at Erica to STOP! Sarah dives for her purse/backpack and says it's okay, she's leaving. Sarah says to Bianca: "I'm sorry I came here." Erica: "You should be!" Sarah shakes her head beseachingly at Bianca: "I never meant to hurt you. I never did, not for a minute!" Bianca stares as Sarah turns to walk out, then calls to her: "No, Sarah, WAIT! We have to talk!" Erica desperately tosses in: "We have to get to the Valley Inn, honey!" "NOOO!!!" Bianca shrieks! She looks quickly back and forth between Sarah and Erica and seems to make a decision. She walks over to Sarah and whispers: "Sarah, THIS IS IT. This is it. We can DO this! We can -- we can do this NOW, Sarah. You don't HAVE to get married! You don't have to --" Sarah frantically looks between Bianca and Erica and bolts out the door. Bianca screams: "Sarah!" She stares, devastated, at the closed front door.

Erica nervously walks over to Bianca and picks all around the lower half of Bianca's dress, twittering about the stylist smoothing it all out. [I notice that Erica's dangling forelock is on the opposite side of the face from the one that Bianca wears.] Bianca just stands there, catatonic. Erica reaches out and caresses her face, turning it toward her, telling her that she doesn't have to worry about anything -- Mommy's here! She can't wait to show her to the world. The limo is waiting and Uncle Jack is waiting. She tells her how much she loves her. Erica: "You know what else? Your father would have been so proud of you! Oh, he would have loved to see you JUST this way!" Through it all, Bianca stares at her without uttering a sound, her pain palpable. Bianca slowly turns and walks across the room. She picks up the journal and stares at it, knowing it represents all her lost hopes and dreams of love with Sarah, and the end of something bigger. The silence is deafening [so much so that I keep backing it up to make sure I don't inadvertently have the TV on mute or that the speakers aren't suddenly broken]. Erica finally calls Bianca's name, tentatively, worry and dread written all over her face. Bianca puts the journal down and turns, staring for a long time at Erica. There's still complete and utter silence -- not even a swish of a matching dress. She turns back to Erica and slowly reaches up to her right hear. Her sorrowful eyes never leaving Erica's face. There's something new in her eyes now, though: determination. She pulls the earring off, then pulls the other one off. Erica, afraid to say anything, but knowing she must, asks Bianca what she's doing. Bianca seems to be trying to muster all her courage to say something.

ADAM'S HOUSE

Adam tells Derek that he and Arlene are divorced now and there's really no further need for contact. Now if he'll excuse them, they were just on their way out to be remarried. Derek says he needs to talk to Arlene and needs to know where she is. Adam says he doesn't know and doesn't care. Ever the loyal daughter, Hayley makes a face and says he knows EXACTLY where Arlene is, he just came from seeing her! Why doesn't he just tell Derek here to find her? Derek rolls his head back and gives Adam a challenging go-ahead-and-feed-me-more-bullshit--I-won't-believe-you-anyway-you-degenerate-scum-sucking-bottom-feeding-maggot-from-hell look. [Of course, Derek also gives that look to grandmothers, nuns, newborns and passing airplanes, so that doesn't really mean anything. I'll bet it goes over really well when he asks women out -- no wonder this man never gets laid!]

They all move into the living room like they are being herded by a border collie. Adam admits it wasn't a social call -- he had tracked Arlene down to sign the divorce papers, she complied and he didn't look back. He certainly doesn't want to look back today, on the day he and Liza are starting over! Surely Derek can understand THAT! Derek says he understands that Adam still hasn't told him where Arlene is. Adam says she was in Amsterdam the last her heard. They met at a coffee house to sign the papers -- it was arranged by their attorneys, and he doesn't have her address. He knew it was the last 10 minutes he would ever have to think about her -- it IS the last time, right? Derek asks if he knows tht Stuart filed a missing person's report on Arlene. Adam and Marian are visibly stunned by this new piece of information. Derek informs them that Arlene left her stuff at the Pine Cone Motel, except for a valuable painting that Stuart had given her. Marian explains that she was very upset with Arlene after what she had done to Stuart last summer, so Stuart probably didn't tell them because he knew they wouldn't be sympathetic to Arlene's situation. Derek says Stuart called and dropped the missing person's report the night before because he had heard Arlene was in Amsterdam and assumed she was okay. Adam gets pissed off because that means Derek already knew the answer before he even came to the house and was just trying to test them!

Derek wants to know why and how she left the country with nothing but the clothes on her back. Do any of them find that out-of-character for Arlene? Hayley finds it VERY out-of-character because her mother hoards everything, especially because she never has anything for very long. Adam points out that Arlene hasn't been sober since Nixon was in office, so what would be so unusual about her leaving everything behind when she skips town? Derek watches him with puffed-out cheeks, but appears to be swallowing his lips as his eye twitches. Adam protests that all this insinuation and innuendo are demeaning, and they have a WEDDING to go to! He moves to leave. Derek ignores him, sits down in front of their white Xmas tree, and asks if anyone saw Arlene on the yacht the night of the fundraiser. Mateo rubs his face in his hands. Hayley opens her mouth and looks under and up at Mateo. Liza, Adam and Marian all give each other broad, worried, conspiratorial looks. No one says anything and Derek says it's not a rhetorical question. Derek tells them that a very expensive necklace was stolen that night and wants to know if any of them know anything about it. Hayley remembers choking Arlene and seeing that Arlene was wearing just such a necklace. Hayley chokes out a guttural sound and covers her face. Everybody stares at her.

After some other scenes and commercials, we return to the Chandler living room where everyone but Mateo is inexplicably ignoring Hayley and staring at Derek while Hayley tries to compose herself and Mateo suggests he gets her out of there (she declines). Adam: "Although it makes me all warm inside knowing that Palmer Cortlandt is out half a million dollars, it doesn't really concern us." None of them saw Arlene on the yacht that night. They were in the midst of a major battle with Arlene then, and if any of them had seen her, they would have noticed -- she's hard to miss! Derek agrees, then asks why Marian told Vanessa she had seen Arlene on the yacht that night. Marian vehemently denies telling Vanessa any such thing! Vanessa is a liar and Marian has no idea what she's talking about.

Hayley leaves the room and Mateo follows. She takes deep breaths, then tells Mateo that she saw Arlene wearing the necklace that night -- that must be how she got the money to get out of the country. She has to tell Derek! Mateo says they have to be sure and she spits out that she IS sure. Hayley bursts back into the room and tells Derek there's more.

Hayley tells Derek that she DID see Arlene on the yacht that night and she WAS wearing the stolen necklace. Adam sputters that Hayley can't say that, she was DRUGGED and hallucinating! Mateo yells at Adam in a manner that clearly says: "It's over, shut up and let her talk!" Derek wants to hear what she has to say. Adam pulls his finger out of his pocket and points to Mateo, saying: "No, no! That's IT! Mateo, take your wife upstairs." MATEO, do as I say!" Mateo tells her to go ahead and speak. Adam orders LIZA to take her out of there. Hayley yells "No, no, NO!" She wants to tell Derek the truth about everything. Derek: "That would be refreshing." Adam puts the kiebosh on it, saying not in HIS house! If Derek wants to question his daughter or anyone else in his house, he'll need a court order! Derek ignores Adam and tells Hayley she can come down to the station now or she can come later when he gets a subpoena -- it's up to her. She stares. Adam completely loses his composure (you can tell because some hair has fallen into his face) and yells NO, until Derek gets a court order, it's up to HIM! He grabs Derek and yanks him around as he says this last part. He orders Derek to get the hell out of his house! Derek grins maniacally at him, then turns back to Hayley, making REALLY weird faces and simultaneous baring and sucking on his teeth [Mommy, that man is SCARING me!] Still with a twisted smile, he tells Hayley he'll be REALLY interested in what she has to say. He turns back to Adam, saying: "And I WILL hear it!" He walks out as everyone stands still as statues. Hayley: "What just happened here? What do you all know that _I_ don't know?" Amazingly, she is NOT whining OR being sarcastic as she says this. Adam shakes his head. She DID see Arlene wearing the necklace and they ALL know how she knows it -- because she was CHOKING her! Adam: "Is that what you were going to tell Det. Frye, that you were choking your mother to death?" Hayley: "No, I wasn't going to tell him that I was choking her to death because she didn't die ... Right?" They all look away. Hayley turns back to Mateo and demands to know what the hell is going on. Mateo hems and haws and finally says she should know the truth.

Hayley DEMANDS the truth, but before Mateo can continue, Adam spins Hayley around and says that the truth is that her mother came on to her husband and she lost control and choked her. That's only because she got there first -- anybody in the room would have GLADLY choked her FOR Hayley. Marian chimes in that it's true. Hayley says there's more to it. Adam keeps trying to control the situation and Liza urges him to stop. Hayley says she choked her mother, and she passed out. Then she got up and went to Amsterdam, right? Adam saw her there, right? Mateo says no, he DIDN'T see her there. He takes her hands and tells her he loves her. Adam tells him that if he loves his wife, DON'T say another word! Hayley stares at Adam, then back at Mateo. Mateo takes a breath to say--[oops, scene change ...]

VALLEY INN LOBBY

Jack asks for the attention of the reporters, and gives a yada, yada, yada speech about teenagers being late and thanking them for their patience. Brooke walks up to him and he says he doesn't know why he does it -- she slaps him in public and he helps her fend off the wolves! He says he's either incredibly loyal or incredible stupid -- "Or in love?" Brooke says. She grins and says he never really got over Erica. She hopes that he can help Bianca, because she's not sure her mother can.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Bianca turns her back on Erica, then reachs up and takes the pins out of her hair, pulling it down around her shoulders in it's usual style. Erica puts her face in her hands, then assumes her hands-on-thighs model pose. Desperate to keep Bianca from telling her what she already knows in her heart, she walks over and tells Bianca that she's right -- she has good instincts -- of course her hair should be down. And if her hair is down, then the earrings don't work, but don't worry, they'll (stylists) make everything perfect -- they'll make everything right. Bianca takes off her heels and turns, stone-faced, back to Erica. Erica looks down and asks her what she thinks she's doing. Bianca: "This isn't ME mom -- it never was." Erica asks what look Bianca is going for and babbles about the stylists being magicians. Bianca interrupts and says NO. Bianca: "I have to tell you something." Erica is about peeing in her pantyhose and starts to edge away, saying she has to go -- she can't keep those people waiting any longer than she has. Bianca forcefully states that she's NOT going. Erica shakes her head and says: "Of COURSE you're going. We're going! We're going together! This is what we wanted, the PERFECT mother and daughter for all the world to see!" Bianca: "I don't want the world to see me, mom. I want you to see me." Erica continues to be the Queen of Denial: "But this is what we wanted!" Bianca says no, it's what ERICA wanted -- she NEVER wanted it. She turns her back on Erica again, then unwraps her dress and takes it off, standing in her black slip. Emotional soap opera music starts playing softly in the background. Erica, still dreading what's to come, asks her if she's lost her mind! Bianca turns back to face her and orders Erica to look at her. Erica doesn't want to look at her, she wants her to go! Bianca: "LOOK AT ME!!! I want you to see WHO I AM, mother. Can you see who I am? Can you? I'm trying to show you." Erica: "Oh, honey, there is something wrong. There is something TERRIBLY wrong with you!" Bianca: "No. No. You just won't look." Erica: "I am looking. I'm looking at my daughter standing half naked in my living room when we have a press conference!" She walks behind Bianca and picks the discarded dress off the floor, frantically shaking it out and seeming to focus on it's very threads in an effort to avoid the inevitable as she babbles: "We have dozens of reporters and magazine editors waiting --" Bianca turns to her, pleading: "Mom, were you listening to David when he tried to tell you who I was? Or Uncle Jack?" Erica looks like a trapped rabbit as he eyes blink rapidly and she starts to breathe faster. She turns back to face Bianca and says: "Bianca, what are you doing? What are you trying to say?" She smiles and tries to turn the dress right-side out [so to speak] Bianca sighs heavily. Bianca: "You know. I -- I'm trying to show you who I am. I want you to see who I am. Please. Please. I'm your daughter. Yours and Daddy's." Erica wobbles her head faintly and stares at her with big eyes [reminding me of E.T.] The soap opera music has grown increasingly louder. Bianca: "And I really believe that he would be proud of me, just like you said. Just not for the reasons that you think. Look at me. I'm exactly who you always knew. I'm still your baby and I still love you." Erica's face breaks as she starts to cry and says pitifully: "I don't know exactly who you are right now, honey. I -- I just know that I have to go. I have people waiting for me. I have responsibilities --" she starts to walk toward the door. Bianca turns and cries: "And you have a DAUGHTER who you won't SEE! Is that what you want, Mom? Is it?" Erica stares at her, her mouth working silently. [The music is so loud at this point that it's harder to hear the actors speak. Now I'm thinking of the "queue the music" scene from "The Truman Show".]

CHANDLER LIVING ROOM

Hayley stares at her father like a little girl. Adam says Arlene practially tried to kill her -- she practically ruined her life -- don't let her win NOW! Hayley: "Win WHAT?" He says her mother was impossibly cruel to her, over and over, no matter how many chances Hayley gave her, try to remember that! Hayley: "Was?" Mateo says her dad's right -- her mother never was a good mother, not once to Hayley. She didn't walk off that boat that night. When Hayley choked her, she didn't wake up. Mateo: "She died, Hayley." Hayley plops down on the couch and tries to absorb it. Hayley: "Oh! I killed my own mother?" She stares accusingly at Adam.

ERICA'S HOUSE

Erica walks back to Bianca and says she doesn't know why she's doing this to her! Erica: "I mean, I'm hanging on by a THREAD here!" Bianca stands stiffly and says: "This is not about YOU, Mom!" Erica whirls: "The HELL it isn't! Well, I'll tell you this! I will not let my COMPANY down and I will not let my FANS down and I will not let MYSELF down! She starts to crack as she exclaims: "I'll just do what I've always done! I'll just do it alone!" She starts to walk away. Bianca cries to her retreating back: "Have you always loved me, Mom? Have you?" Erica cries: "How could you even ASK me a question like that?" Bianca walks over to her and whispers: "Do you love me now?" Erica: "Bianca!" Bianca: "Do you?" Erica: "YES!" Bianca takes a deep breath, closes her eyes for a moment, then opens them and says: "I'm gay." Once again, the silence is deafening. Erica gives the merest hint of a questioning look and Bianca returns an only slightly less subtle nod to indicate that she truly did just say that and she meant it. Erica stares, speechless.

ON THE NEXT AMC:

Dixie walks into the Martin house as two unfamiliar boys [Max and Petey?] yell "Merry Christmas!" and jump up on her like Dino on Fred Flintstone.

Bianca tells Erica's back: "Turn around. Face me. Face who I am."

Liza leans over and tells Hayley: "If you tell the police, we'll ALL go to jail. Now, is that REALLY what you want?" [Gosh, what a supportive step-mother!]

As candles burn [in the tower?] and Gillian leaps into his arms, Ryan whispers: "Merry Christmas, Princess."

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "Merry Christmas, everyone" Coutellier

2000: BC - Wed, 11/15/00

Gillian has something TERRIBLE to tell Jake: she burned the popcorn. He can't TELL that there's burned microwave popcorn? His libido isn't his only sense that's sluggish! Meanwhile, the garbage can ignites and popcorn kernels fly all over the kitchen.

So that's the "honeymoon suite", huh? Considering how expensive it is, you'd think they would at least have different sheets on the bed.

I watched with delight as Arlene and Vanessa had their rather pathetic catfight/ballet, and could hardly believe it when they maneuvered close to the edge of what can only be described as a 69 position, but I LOL'd when Palmer walked in on them and told them that this was every man's fantasy!

I know Hayley has major baggage as far as Arlene goes, but I wish she'd SHUT UP about it! She can't say more than one or two sentences without warning someone about her or worrying out loud that Arlene is going to pop out of the woodwork. I'm not saying that's not a valid concern, all things considered, but GIVE IT A REST! She probably yells out warnings and whinings to hapless people in the cars next to her at stoplights! And woe to anyone who makes the mistake of saying: "Hi, how are you?" in passing!

I thought the Adrassi Foundation was ALSO a charitable institution with it's own fundraising concerns -- why are they shelling out $5k per ticket for "several tables" at Ryan's little boat party?

I have to say that I am absolutely FLABBERGASTED -- STILL no president, and ABC managed to show an entire episode WITHOUT any special report interruptions (noon San Francisco edition) -- a FIRST in a week of unprecedented blather! BTW, am I the only one who winces at the sight of all those people hand-counting the ballots and wondering who is going to pay to treat their resulting repetitive strain injuries?

Robin "one for you and one for me ... one for you and two for me ..." Coutellier

2000: BC - Wed, 9/20/00

I just have to say that I think Eden Riegel (Bianca) is doing a FANTASTIC job and has been doing so since her arrival on the show! She's a keeper!

It would seem that Dixie was poorly miked today -- her words would cut out here and there. The accoustics must be hard to take into account due to the uneven terrain :-)

More In-Jokes: Dixie (re David's comment that women can be merciless): "But not if the right guy comes along." David: "And then what?" Dixie: "We turn into adorable, delectable little cupcakes."

Crack PV Police Dept? More like CRACKED PV Police Dept! Leo just bursts into an INTERROGATION ROOM? PUH-LEASE!

LOD: Greenlee to Leo: "All I did was tell the Lieutenant the truth." Leo: "The truth?" Greenlee: "Yes, the whole truth and nothing but." Derek: "Sounds like some sort of precedent." BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I LOVED Vanessa's outfit! (It WAS green, wasn't it?)

AGGGGHHHHHH. Jack said the "C/K" word! MY EARS, MY EARS!!!

Bianca screams at Jack and Erica, saying they are hypocrites and that they both BETRAYED him! Jack mentally cups his family jewels as he remembers a 6-yr-old Bianca setting fire to his crotch (okay, it was a doll, but it REPRESENTED Jack). Bianca was pretty handy with that butane firestarter :-)

Oh Palmer, Palmer, Palmer! You are SUCH a sucker! I don't care HOW horny you get due to admiration of Vanessa's supreme blackmail skills, that is NO excuse for staying with HER!

Robin "GREAT show" Coutellier

2000: BC - Wed, 8/30/00

Leo did such a great (surprise) imitation of almost hurling at the smell of the hair-of-the-dog he mixed up for Greenlee that *I* almost hurled! Greenlee can't open her eyes -- I TOLD you that eye makeup had strong chemicals! I'm guessing superglue. She wants to know what died in it and he said Ryan didn't have any clam juice so he dumped some water from a can of tuna fish in it. BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! My neighbors must think I've finally (still?) gone around the bend with my laughing!

Greenlee laments that she's going to have to grovel to her parents for the money to pay back Wade and now they'll never let her out of their sight. How old IS she? Of course, if she's willing to give up her trust fund, she'll have to find a paying job and try to live within her means. That should be fun :-) [Yeah, like her grandparents wouldn't help her out.]

Leo offers, instead, to grovel to Vanessa to finagle a partnership between Palmer and Wade so they can leave Woodruff out of it and Greenlee won't have to grovel to or hang out with her parents. Let's see, Greenlee eats crow or Leo grovels to Vanessa, who sets Palmer up with a mafia partner. Oh yeah, it's a CLEAR choice -- NOT!

After Tuesday's great episode, Wednesday was pretty ho-hum.

Robin "on the next AMC: Leo offers Vanessa a tuna eclair" Coutellier